The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 13 • 4/25/13 - 5/1/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
Remembering Why You Came to Minnesota Rebecca Marsnik wrote this
It’s that time of year again. You social media addicts know what I’m talking about. It’s that time when you see waves of Facebook statuses that go something like: “I wish I lived in the south,” or “Why didn’t I go to a school with winning sports teams?” and everyone’s favorite: “Why did I come to Minnesota anyway?” In times like these you often find yourself agreeing with such statuses. Maybe in a second-winter crisis of yours, you even find yourself looking at transfer applications to Florida Gulf Coast University, because not only is the climate warm, but everyone loves them right now. It’s a win-win, right? Wrong. Why? Because then you won’t be in beautiful Minnesota, silly. Looking back on things, there are actually a lot of reasons that the U is the best place to go to school. Okay, so maybe the Gophers haven’t been the easiest team to root for in just about any sport this year. Yeah, the football team lost in a really lame bowl game, the men’s basketball team lost in the round of 32 in the NCAA Tournament, which prompted the firing of Tubby Smith, and not to mention that men’s hockey lost not only in the conference tournament but also in the Frozen Four. In times like these it’s hard to remember what there is to live for in the realm of Minnesota sports. There’s not even the women’s hockey streak to be excited about because the season is over. What is there to be excited about at all? Well open your eyes, sports fan! If you're like a lot of students on this campus you probably came here partly because it’s a Big Ten school. Do you know what that means? Awesome sports that aren’t just football, hockey, and basketball! Look at this: Gopher baseball is currently first in the Big Ten and they have a super hot new field they’re playing on (to match the super hot players). Another great thing about Minnesota: your money goes to super bomb things like sick new stadiums. Remember when the football team played in the Metrodome? That sucked. Now your journey to a football game on a brisk September morning doesn’t include a bus ride. Yay new stadiums! Now you’re either mildly excited about spring sports or you’re rolling your eyes because you just don’t give a shit. Either way, you’re still pissed about the weather. If you are not ready to punch Mother Nature in the uterus you are either crazy or extremely patient. However, as much as you hate Mama Nature’s hormonal imbalance this April, you can at least be happy that there are seasons up here. If you had actually transferred to FGCU you would just be warm all the time. Then you would have no grounds to bitch about anything, and let’s be real, bitch rights make staying here kind of worth it.
An Ode to Tits
warmer weather means "cleavage, cleavage, CLEAVAGE," so let's pay metered homage.
page 5
Besides, Minnesota has those beautiful fall seasons when the St. Paul campus is a festival of vermillion leaves. Even though winters can be harsh, they also have moments of breathtaking beauty. Where do you think St. Paul born-and-grown F. Scott Fitzgerald got his inspiration for Winter Dreams? Even if the snow right now isn’t pretty and looks more like a bunch of snowmen had the runs everywhere, you can still go to St. Anthony Main and take in the Minneapolis skyline from the other side of the river. Seriously, do it. You won’t regret it. For those of you who aren’t convinced, don’t send that transfer application yet! If you’re not here for the academics (third in the nation for chemistry, it’s hard to beat that unless you’re first or second) then you’re probably here for the vast number of awesome things to do here. Where else can you see Macklemore, four professional sports teams, and a ridiculous number of events sponsored by Red
what'’s inside
Bull all in the same year? The Minnesota State Fair is the most badass and inexpensive conglomeration of all things food, music, and agricultural innovations. Maybe you’re not as into the “awesome-things-watching” thing, which is cool too, but no matter what you are into, the absurdly nice and attractive people is a cultural staple unique to Minnesota. If you’re skeptical, you can always just look on the University of Minnesota Secret Admirer’s page, which is crawling with beautiful sweethearts. Or if you’re more of a social type, you could always try chatting up one of the many ridiculously attractive baristas at the Purple Onion. Looking back on everything, the U doesn’t seem to suck as much as you thought it did. Maybe you should just put that transfer application on hold for a semester or two while you fall in love with this place all over again.
The Smoker's Code
Are you smarter than mitch?
page 7
page 11
A Campus guide to cigarettiquette.
test yourself against this bartending fountain of random knowledge.