Minnesota - Issue12 - 11/13/2014

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Volume 7

The Black Sheep

F wee ree! Li ken ke yo d be ur cau sche se y dule ou’r th e so is coo l.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 12

GREEN LINE FIGHT CLUB DISCOVERED Aron Wolde wrote this “The first rule of Green Line Fight Club: Don’t talk about Green Line Fight Club. The second rule of Green Line Fight Club: DO NOT talk about Green Line Fight Club! The Third rule of Green Line Fight Club: Don’t wear those stupid overpriced Gopher hoodies.” These were the opening words at eleven o’clock last Thursday at the East Bank Green Line Station. After weeks of searching, The Black Sheep had finally been able to send an undercover representative into this alleged fight club. According to our representative, the Green Line Fight Club was the brain child of a group of angry students. Stacy Watson, Michael Hicks, Doug Anderson, and Penny Rippa were just standing around waiting for the next train to take them home one night that was “cold as tits,” according to Rippa. Stacy, a journalism junior, was upset at a professor for giving her a poor grade on an exam. Rippa claimed she received her D+ because the teacher had it out for her because she was a Packers fan. She was brooding, cold, and close to the edge. It was when Doug lit up a cigarette that she unleashed her fury. Security footage shows Stacy ripping the cigarette out of Doug’s mouth and pointing to the “Share the Air” sign. After a few angrilyexchanged words that rhyme with truck, pit, and banana, Stacy is seen slapping Doug, who then pushes the girl back. Witnessing all of this, Michael tackles Doug into an unaware Penny, setting off the brawl. The four fight for the entire 10 minutes it takes for the light rail to arrive. Eyes are gouged, balls are slapped, several hairs are pulled, and one surprising crane kick can be seen by Penny near the end of the footage. After much cajoling we were able to get the four fighters’ spin on the night. “We didn’t really know we were having fun until the train came,” said Rippa. “Once it showed up we all stopped, got on, and were surprised that we were smiling just like the time that we saw bulldog wearing a top hat. We were all just so mad, and needed a way to get it out and my dealer was on vacation in Guadalajara so I couldn’t… I needed a new outlet.” And what else were the four so mad about? “Gopher Gold, tuition, financial aid, the insane price of doughnuts on campus, almost every part of university life,” Anderson sighed. And they weren’t the only ones, after the second week of the fight club more and more young people just started showing up, all of whom were fed up with aspects of the university. “There was this guy Tyler, he just showed up one night and joined the rumble. I was whaling on Penny, looked up, and saw him fighting both Stacy and Michael. He was screaming about his language requirement and swinging like a madman.” As a mathematics major, he’s obligated to take four semesters of a language. Which is fucking stupid since he studies math. When word had gotten out that students were venting their emotions in a real way, people started showing up every day. New rules were created by the head of the Green Line Fight Club: Stacy Watson. Rules regarding not bleeding on rented textbooks and no stopping to watch sexy girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy fights were later instituted. Despite now knowing of the fights, the UMNPD is unwilling to stop them. This is mainly due to the positive consequences of the fighting. Since the fight club student complaints have dropped by 25%. However, most importantly, the university is uninterested in stopping the fights for the purist reason of all: watching sexy girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy fights.

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PAGES 12-13

ART STUDENT DRAWS HERSELF ON DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALCOHOL

ON-CAMPUS FEATURE: THE UMM WOMEN’S ROW TEAM

TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY

SHE MIGHT AS WELL CAPITALIZE ON HER SKETCHING 1001 CLASS.

LOOKING TO JOIN A CLUB BUT HAVE NO EXPERIENCE? LOOK NO FURTHER!

DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UMN NOVEMBER 13th 2014 - NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM


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