Volume 7
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 11
624-WALK OFFICER REALIZES
HE HAS NO REAL AUTHORITY Victoria Petelin wrote this As of last Thursday, 624-WALK Officer Drew Dooley came to the daunting and unsettling realization that he is virtually powerless. This realization occurred at the corner of Pleasant St SE and Pillsbury Drive SE at 9:10 p.m., and hit Dooley with such force that he had to sit down on the curb with his head between his knees and take several deep, measured breaths. Upon every inhalation he could almost smell his ego deteriorating. At 9:16 p.m. he managed to suppress his emotions long enough to stand up and walk to Fraser Hall, where he would escort a sophomore student back to her dorm. Dooley managed to maintain his composure for the next 30 minutes by reminding himself that in an emergency situation his tall, wiry form would act as a strong visual deterrent and, if worse comes to worst, he would definitely be placing a critical phone call to local law enforcement. Should things get really gritty, Dooley reminded himself that there is no shame in shouting “back off!” or “you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, buddy!” in a firm, assertive tone of command. Though prohibited from carrying pepper spray or a baton, Dooley also grappled with the idea of delivering a quick, harsh slap to any and all assailants, but only if necessary for self-defense purposes. There are several factors that contribute to 624-WALK officers’ inflated egos and delusional sense of authority: their walkie-talkies and their badges for example. Their crisp, matching button-downs also don’t hurt. As of this week, Dooley may be the only officer that realizes his existence does not dramatically affect the safety of his fellow students because everyone, not just 624-WALK officers, possess the ability to call 911. Seriously, it’s not a problem for anyone to take their phone out and summon the fuzz if they run into trouble on the way home. Also, most people have vocal cords to scream and legs to run away on, so the only difference between a 624-WALK officer and a run-of-the-mill pedestrian is that pedestrians don’t get paid to walk around at night, unless they’re prostitutes. After he delivered the sophomore to her dorm, Dooley radioed base through the plastic walkie-talkie clipped to his uniform to give them the mandatory confirmation that the student had arrived home safely. After he received a positive response, Dooley felt endorphins rush to his brain, and he reported feeling how a dog must feel after receiving a pat on the head or a stale treat from the jar sitting atop the fridge. Dooley also reports that the job fulfills his constant need to be praised, as well
as his stifling need to feel control in his life, which may or may not stem from early childhood trauma. Several of his fellow officers have voiced similar sentiments; an anonymous source went so far as to say that they took the position of 624-WALK officer to help fulfill their masked vigilante fantasy that they aren’t cool enough to actually pursue.
At approximately 9:46 p.m., Dooley departed the sophomore’s dorm to go to meet his next client. As he walked alone under night’s dark cloak, he caught a glimpse of the breathtaking Minneapolis skyline. As he gazed upon this image, he realized that he was not the hero the University of Minnesota campus needed, nor the hero it really wanted, yet, as a 624-WALK officer, it was just enough to know that he can protect his fellow citizens one awkward conversation at a time.
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