The Black Sheep
fr ee ta ... l mp ike on th e s. Ca pu rd bli bo c r ar est d, r ou oo ch m !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 10 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
farting etiquette 101 Jake Sorensen wrote this
Hey there. Yeah, you in the corner avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the elevator. Why? Why would you unleash that foulness currently wafting beneath everyone’s nasal passages and slowly building to a pungent crescendo? Could you honestly not clench up for a measly five stories before the elevator reaches your floor? It was obvious it’s you. Christ, at least have the dignity to accept responsibility and apologize for your stinky transgression. But you won’t, will you? You’re going to continue to nervously pore over your smartphone before booking it out of this desecrated tomb, leaving everyone else to suffocate on the stale aroma of mustard and day old salami. Awesome. Everybody farts. That most certainly must be accepted despite what the women-folk might have you believe. At this very moment, there are in fact literally millions of people blasting the pants cannon and turning their undergarments into the kind of fuming swamp a wide array of amphibian species could easily call home. However natural tooting may be, like many unpleasant human behaviors (using the rest room, choking, genocide, etc.), it does not give you the right to ignore the protocols in place for avoiding said acts whenever humanly possible. Sadly, there are a disgustingly high number of you here at the U who seem to have never been properly educated in this particular matter. Hopefully this article can help set you straight and your sphincters tight. The first rule in the gentleman’s code of proper gas passing is, whenever possible, do not fart in public places. It doesn’t matter where you are or how discreet you can be. If you are waiting in line outside the Apple Store in New York City with a million other people and the wind is wailing in your ears, ensuring the stank won’t be around long enough to strangle anybody, you still do not let loose until the pressure gauge has breached maximum capacity. You don’t see people walking around shouting racist jokes on the bus or light rail, and if you do you hopefully think those people are obnoxious. Likewise, do your part and don’t offend people with your anal reek. This especially applies to enclosed spaces: elevators, classrooms, tightly packed lecture halls... Just don’t do it. If you must honk your horn amongst the general populace, there are a few situations in which it is acceptable or simply undetectable. Walking across campus, for example; as long as they’re relatively silent, quick sporadic releases are fine. Everyone is in such a hurry to get to class that no one is lingering to notice your deadly secret. Just be wary when crossing
Diary of a Sex Addict’s Roommate
A roommate’s story of survival against the masturbatory antics of a sex addict.
page 5
the Washington Avenue Bridge. That old accordion player has the olfactory senses of a synesthetic bloodhound. If you are stationary or sitting down, it is standard regulation to ensure there is no one within a fifteen-foot radius. The coast must also be clear for the proper dissipation time of sixty seconds. The back of a library or Barnes and Noble would be examples of such acceptable locations. And once you’ve planted the seed of the putrid odor bush, swiftly evacuate the scene in the least conspicuously casual manner possible. Really, the only appropriate place to flatulate is in the comfort of your own apartment. Your roommates have forfeited the
what'’s inside The Eatless Diet
a new, scientifically proven diet for losing that Freshman 15.
page 7
right to judge because your home is your space, and a ruler is free to fill his domain with as much bum-wind as he sees fit. This is a sacred tenant handed down from the first men and was the driving force behind Henry VIII breaking away from the Catholic Church (embarrassed, Pope Clement VII blamed Anne Boleyn to save papal face). Your home is your personal fart tub. Go nuts. Hopefully you can now go forth and regulate your backside activity with presence of mind and courtesy. Sorry ladies. Queefing is still never ok.
An Open Letter To The Social Media Abuser An uncensored harangue to those who ruin social media/ online attention whores.
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