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The Black Sheep

fr hu ee.. g f . li ro ke m ap de ro sp m er ot at io e SUAna l gr bea ou r ps

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 8 • 3/14/13 - 3/20/13 @blacksheep_umn

How to Make your Super Lame Spring Break

Sound Totally Awesome Rebecca Marsnik wrote this

It’s that time of year again. The temperature is above freezing and the snow is starting to melt. Over the sound of construction starting up again, you can hear the faint sound of birds chirping. That’s right. It’s almost springtime. And what does that mean? Yes, a shit load of midterms, but it’s also the time that most students have been counting down to since the semester started in January. What is this magical time? That’s right: spring break! The time when it’s okay to go out every night of the week, get wasted, and have sex with whoever the hell makes eye contact with you. The only problem is you’re going back home… NOT to some tropical paradise with all your friends. But worry not! With these simple tips, you can turn your boring, homebody spring break into the story of the century. You watched TV all week: This is not something you want to tell your roommate in the midst of his gloating about that “totally hot babe” who “wanted the D” yet failed to get her number or even her first name (though he distinctly remembered that she was a Kappa Kappa Gamma). When he finally stops to scoff and ask what possible fun you could have had, you break into a story about how you went on so many different adventures with all your new (cooler) friends. When your roommate skeptically asks about these adventures, you’re prepared with your own multi-colored alibi as well. If you watched romcoms, you found true love in a quaint little town next to your family’s spring break lake house, but the socioeconomic and geographic barriers were just too much. If you watched action movies, you almost died… hard… about four times (too many). And if you watched Jersey Shore or any dysfunctional reality show, you can vividly recount the many times you threw up. Your parents were gone so you slept in their bed: You can sum up this scenario with one statement: “Dude, I partied so hard I never even woke up in my own bed.” And if you want to make sure your friends don’t ask questions, just add an “if you know what I mean” at the end. Even if they don’t know what you mean, they’ll act like they know what you mean so they won’t get laughed at for not knowing what you mean… if you know what we mean. You had to pick your mom up at the bar at 5 in the morning: This situation is tricky. You start the story with, “Yeah man,

Top 10: Things for your "Night After" Kit

You know adult sleepovers are bound to happen, so be prepared.

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I was at the bar at the crack of dawn.” You must be careful not to say “still at the bar” or “until the crack of dawn” because then you’d be downright lying, and we don’t advocate (downright) lying here at The Black Sheep. If you’re lucky, this carefully thought-out statement will end the conversation with a chorus of “duuuuuuude” and high-fives from your bros. If you’re not lucky and your friends ask questions, you will have to go with the foolproof yet horrifying, “I picked up a woman.” This seems harmless enough until you realize that you’re using

what'’s inside

your mom as a fake hook-up. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, so just go wash your mouth out with soap, drink your weight in vodka, and never look at your mom again. It was a necessary evil. So there you have it. With a touch of Don Quixote-like deception, a dash of cunning, and a hint of prayer, your lame spring break has turned into a story told in hushed voices in the back of the Campus Connector for years to come.

Open Letter To The Middle Aged Student

Are you smarter than?

Please stop sweating profusely, it's the dead of winter.

Sydney from Blarney's didn't know which cereal is "kid-tested, mother approved". Do you?

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Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

page 4: Delightful jobs for the dropout

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Why not settle for the unspecialized type of labor college dropouts can resort to.

page 5: The Five Drunken Mistakes Of Spring Break no one wants a “stage 5 clinger� from a drunken sloppy hook-up

page 6: from the streets

Table of

What did you want to be when you were a youthling?

page 10:Into The Asshole With University Dining Services We take a trip to Sphinctoria, the magical but hellish world where its denizens strive to kill our taste buds.

page 12: St. Patrick's Day, The Movie Brought to you by the guys who made The Hangover and other sweet college partyin' movies.

$500 Gift Card Signing Bonus in March!

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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Anti-elope:

A contrarian stance taken by college males, denying their desire to ever marry. “Dude, I’m so anti-elope, I ain’t ever marrying no bitches.”

Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart

marketing manager Nishad Trivedi

Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Manager Eddie Lund, Brandt Tharp

owner Atish Doshi

Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond

Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,

distribution manager Eddie Lund

Questions? Advertising?

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Top 10

Things for Your "Night After" Kit

Everyone goes through his or her share of impromptu “adult sleepovers,” which can be fun, but also tricky in dealing with the aftermath. So it’s a good idea to have some of these tried and true tools in your bag, car, or 90s-style cargo pants. Seeing a stranger’s head when you wake up in a dingy Como Avenue apartment is concerning enough, but in a different country? That shit’s scary. Come morning when you have no idea where you are, you’ll be epically thankful for having the correct tools to fix yourself up for the cold, harsh real world. 10.) Phone: Obviously our generation is more attached to our smartphones than trivial things like “friends” or “family.” Your phone is like your child, but with all of your passwords and maybe credit card numbers. Just from a purely statistical standpoint: 89% of one-night stands have at least one member who is an adept identify thief. If it’s not you, you’re boned. So in case you’re stranded in a tropical spring break mecca, keep your (preferably smart) phone handy and call for a search and rescue. If you’re one of the rare identity thieves, get your techy freak on and hack your way out of there.

Delightful jobs For The Dropout

9.) Wallet: Even though it’ll be empty from having blown all of your money on booze, it still has your ID, aka proof of “diplomatic immunity.” Just make sure it doesn’t fall in the wrong hands. Do you really want last night’s conquest to know your name or address? That’s way too high a risk. Even if the ID is fake, it still has a picture of someone who looks like you on it, and that’s already too much information. 8.) Condoms: Okay, so maybe this isn’t necessarily an “after” tool (unless you want to take advantage of the morning wood situation). You don’t know anything about your partner. All you really know is that he looked moderately attractive in a dark, dark bar. Ask yourself this: Do you want syphilis, or worse, a baby? 7.) Deodorant: This is just so you can attempt to smell like something other than sweat, sex, and somber shame. At least TRY to smell like you’re guiltless.

Gabby Vanden Avond wrote this

After that gruesome all-nighter spent on a 30-page thesis paper, it's easy to find oneself daydreaming of days without the restraints of a university education. As a strong advocate for consensual, safe, depraved sex, The Black Sheep is here to tell you that prostitution is not your only option as a college dropout. In fact, there are many enticing and rewarding jobs for all you ex-bio majors, some of which are right under your nose. You could, for example, work as a tollbooth operator. Working from a cozy glass cubicle all to yourself with a spectacular view of the Chicago Freeway, you can interact with people from all different walks of life and the various odors that go with them. As the days zoom by, you may have the pleasure of picking lint off the dimes or sweeping loose crack off the floor from your coworkers. The possibilities here are endless.

can work for Milorganite, a company that specializes in making fertilizer manure out of human feces. Sure, every day is a little shitty, but at least you aren’t floating from job to job in life’s toilet bowl. Looking for a line of work in the financial sector? Consider being a repossession agent. Not only will you get to drive the sweet cars that debtors can’t pay off, but you’ll have the exhilarating job of running for your life on a day-to-day basis. Sure, there’s a little danger, but what’s the point of having a job if you can’t risk it all in the line of duty? Plus, why own a Range Rover when you can repossess one? You get all the luxury of a ride in the leather interior without the hassle of paying for the insurance. Nobody wants to look cool all the time. Seriously.

"Sure, every day is a little shitty, but at least you More of a beautician? A as a nail technician may be for you. Most aren’t floating from job to job of the time, you’ll deal with normal-smelling, job in life’s toilet bowl." relatively smooth toes. If debris-covered coins

don’t sound enticing, consider working for a hospital laundry service. When you aren’t catching influenza or whooping cough from virus-infested beddings, you get to tend to all the soft, fluffy hospital sheets that are covered in blood and pus. As an essential part of the hospital system, you make sure that the clothes worn by the employees are clean and sanitized. Nurse gets thrown up on? You get to help her out! Doctor covered in stomach bile? You get to sterilize his lab coat. You are pretty much the excrement superhero. If the laundry aspect of this is not appealing, or if you have an irrational fear of hospitals, you may consider working at a sewage plant. These individuals get to deal with all the bodily fluids without the hassle of a sanitary hospital. Want to get out of the Twin Cities? Move to Milwaukee, WI where you

However, as an occasional treat you may encounter some rather pungent, molding, cracked soles to which you may apply your “artistic skills” to bring them back to their former, pre-fungal glory. Plus, when Gladys and Marlene come in for their bimonthly Girls’ Day and spend an hour debating what shade of mauve to put on their toes, you get to attend to their needs. If you pay them enough attention, they may even slip you a quarter extra for your efforts. How charming!

So, kids, why on earth would you want to stay in school? You’re just spending too much money on a degree that will get you a job in a stuffy high rise with an annoying assistant who brings you coffee hour after hour. Getting home to your family by five? Pshhh. What an outdated idea. Third shift is where the party happens.

6.) A snack: We doubt this “one-night-hotel” is all-inclusive. For breakfast, you’re on your own. Whether it’s Fritos, Cheez-Its, or chocolate (recommended for those with self-esteem troubles), you’ll be happy it’s there. 5.) Dry shampoo: This magical white powder makes you feel better about yourself. Not as much as the other magical white powder, but HBO’s Girls taught us what a slippery slope that is. Spray some dry shampoo in your hair and you’ll look less like a grease monkey. 4.) Gum: You don’t have time to brush your teeth. Your only concern should be getting the hell out of wherever you are. Unfortunately once you get home, no amount of brushing or scrubbing will change what transpired in there the previous evening. 3.) An extra pair of underwear: You never know if you’re getting yours back. What if Ms.. Mystery is the” souvenirs type”? We all know you’ll never see them again, much less set another foot in that crime scene. 2.) Some light reading material: No one will suspect the chick walking down the street whilst reading is an unstoppable slut-bag. Not permitted: 50 Shades of Horrible, any thing that is a “saga”, a magazine other than The New Yorker, and self-help books. This will really class up that walk of shame. Plus, you don’t have to look anyone in the eye. 1.) Whiskey: The night before was for hard partying, but you’ll need some whiskey to forget the inevitable humiliation AFTER the hard partying.

Alexandra Adams wrote this

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The 5 Drunken Mistakes Of Spring Break McKinley Johnson wrote this

Spring break is a time of self-discovery and risk taking. As soon as March shows its face on the calendar, everyone, from the unwitting freshman to the seasoned senior, counts down the days to the week of uninhibited mayhem. The days leading up to spring break aren’t spent productively in class, but are spent daydreaming about the profound and perverse debauchery that one can squeeze into that single week. There are thousands of crazy, inappropriate things to be done and you’ve undoubtedly planned for those sacred few days, but no matter where you go and what you do, these are the top five mistakes that you will run into. Worry not adventurers, The Black Sheep’s got your back. 5.) Too much alcohol: Yes, though there will be many exotic drinks with names you’ll never be able to pronounce sober, you should watch out for just how many flautinas you happen to take in. If you’ve been a good student this year, the bar should be kicking you out before you’re tipsy. Alcohol mixed with the invincible feeling you get from being on spring break can lead to some pretty surprising and completely counterproductive decisions like… 4.) The sloppy hook-up: Everybody hears about this unfortunate accident and laughs it off, thinking it won’t happen to them. Think again. With your blood alcohol concentration levels reaching spiraling heights, you can be led to do almost anything – even that stage-5 clinging “butter face” who’s been looking for company since the day she hit puberty. Trust us when we say no amount of alcohol can erase traces of the sloppy hookup from your memory – or your tagged Facebook photos. You don’t want to spend the rest of your spring break doing social media damage control. 3.) Calling your ex: This is always a major fuckup. There is never a good time or way to call up your ex. They’re your ex for a reason, after all. Whatever that reason is might have escaped your alcohol-riddled brain, but we can assure you this situation will have you regretting every word you don’t even remember saying. This NEVER leads to a happy ending, and it ALWAYS leaves you more undignified than the initial breakup phase. At some point the alcohol will run out and you’ll remember the mantra, “There’s always something better.” Besides, it’s spring break. Enjoy some of the spicy locale.

2.) Leaving your friends: For the love of all that is unholy, do not separate from your friends. If you’re all stumbling around at the local pub because you were too broke to leave the country it’s one thing, but outside the country the wild tales of things that go wrong with poor university students are endless. If you’re lucky, the worst thing that will happen is that you’ll end up in an ice bath in Tijuana with a missing kidney. Sure, you get a totally boss scar to show all the chicks, but bragging rights isn’t exactly worth surgical back-alley theft. 1.) Leaving early: Even with all the stupid shit you could possibly get into, no matter what happens, it’s spring break! The last thing you should ever want to do is come back to the U. There’s nothing better than a vacation that doesn’t end and having a youthful body that can withstand all hedonistic abuse. Get out there and enjoy it.

From the Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?

What did you want to be when you were a youthling? “A vet.” - Leah S., Freshman

“When I was 5 I really wanted to be 6.” - Hamza M., Freshman

“Belly dancer.” - Amelia A., Junior

send your party pics to

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

an Open Letter to the Middle Aged College Student Tim Krueger wrote this


Dearest middle-aged college student: Why are you here? You’ve made it this far without a college degree, so why start now? Perhaps you’re taking this class for recreational purposes; to broaden the horizon that you’ve been looking out towards for nearly half a century. But why do we feel like this is not the case? You’re always trying to one-up the professor with some little tidbit we haven’t yet covered, while shamelessly point-grubbing no less. What’s worse is that the teacher is telling you you’re wrong as you desperately cling to your stubborn old-person ways. This is not office hours, neither is it a personal tutoring session. This is a lecture of 50 students who are paying to be taught by a licensed professional, not to listen to the bickering of a curmudgeon in a power chair.

a marathon before class? Was there an early morning decathlon on the Washington Avenue Bridge? Do you throw your leg warmers on to do some pre-lecture jumping jacks? There are days when all we do is watch your back sweat spread its conquest to the still-dry outer regions of your Cabela’s t-shirt. It’s as if your body has already moved to Florida. Also, don’t ask if the professor could turn the heat down. Professors are here to teach, not fan you with palm leaves. Can you clear the phlegm out of your throat before you begin speaking? Your voice sounds like someone trying to unclog a locker room shower drain. Listening to your wet gargles is not only unbearably disgusting, but impossible to translate. Bring a spittoon to class if you’d like. You can join the chew guys in the back corner, and hey, maybe even make a few friends.

Why does everything you say require a backstory? We don’t need to know how your ‘87 family vacation influenced your interpretation of Marx’s Das Kapital. Also, don’t try impressing the class by relating your answer to a Facts of Life episode. We implore you: think about what you’re going to say, and then think about how it pertains to what we’re actually discussing. More than likely it will not, so we’d appreciate it if you could keep your doughy centered thoughts to yourself. Truthfully, it would be better for everybody if you just didn’t participate in class discussion at all. So if you could find a seat in the back, enjoy your morning grapefruit, and try to keep the chomping to a minimum, that would be great.

Don’t sign up for a 9 a.m. class. We think it’s great that you’ve been up since 5:30, but while you were making breakfast we were trying to catch a two-hour nap. Why would you want to spend your morning with a few dozen sleep-deprived 20-year olds? Don’t you have a job, or at least a parent in the home to take care of? Would you please just do us a solid and stick to the night classes? Overcrowding is a serious issue here at the U, and we don’t want you to be the reason why we were moved from a sleek, West Bank hall to the stuffy Tate Lab lecture halls.

Why do you come in panting like you ran

Everyone who sits around you

With fond annoyance,



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Into the Asshole with University Dining Services Jake Sorensen wrote this Most students who’ve lived in a dorm are well acquainted with the routine by now. Your alarm blares in the early morning darkness. You let out a demoralized groan, the loft beneath you mirroring your complaints with a sequence of creaks and other concerning sounds. Feet plunk to the carpet and you blindly fumble around for your hoodie. Today is going to be different… Oh what’s the point? Your willpower was one of the first things they killed anyway. So you trudge down to the dining hall, resenting your inability to prepare your own breakfast. Last semester the promise of scrambled eggs would have seemed too good to be true. But you know better now, so you give the mountain of chicken embryo a disgusted sneer while b-lining to the coffee machine. Cup in hand you plop down at a table in the far corner, stare out at the snow through the window, and grimace as you meekly down the brown piss water. You thought a meal plan was supposed to save you from this reality you face on a daily basis. How naïve you were to think someone couldn’t possibly fuck up something as simple as, say, spaghetti and meatballs. Turns out someone can. You try to fight back the disillusioned sobs but simply cannot. Others look on empathetically, knowing dining services has claimed another broken soul.

bian farmers as their providers, however, UDS imports from a hellish dimension locally known as Sphinctoria, where everyone’s taste buds are located deep inside their anus. Here in Sphinctoria, farmers have many techniques for preparing the shittiest-tasting food imaginable and are particularly gifted in producing rancid livestock. Cow patties in Sphinctoria undergo a rigorous drying out period of 36 hours in specialized sun lamps until the perfect level of stale ass flavor is attained. These rectavores (that’s the technical term for a predator that eats through its butt hole) are well acquainted with the flavor and all its subtleties. Sausage patties, on the other hand, are given an alternative treatment where they are soaked in the fermented juices of freshly excreted bratwurst, sealing in a uniquely repugnant taste. Fish are netted nearby off the coast of the vast Gulf of Spewed Chunks and fried in a vat of FatGuy-Taint Oil.

Where did it all go wrong? Where does all this terrible food even come from? After months of investigating, it turns out there is actually a trade secret fueling the phenomenon, a secret the U has been gracious enough to finally disclose.

Agriculture is also a significant part of Sphinctorian inter-dimensional production. Anti-moisture squadrons work round the clock to ensure vegetable crops are devoid of all palatable value. Apples are molded from orchards of Sphinctoria’s finest mediocre plastic. Fresh bananas are thrown full force against steel silos at least three times to meet national bruising standards. It must also be noted that diligent dairy farmers work tirelessly, mashing and blending cheese in order to match its consistency and temperature to that of day-old semen.

Much like how Chipotle imports the finest ingredients from around the world to ensure top quality Mexican cuisine, so too does UDS with its food supply. Rather than having Colum-

Despite the consequences it bears on students’ morale and mental health, the U stands by its partnership with the good people of Sphinctoria. The university claims it is merely an-

other strategy in preparing woefully ill-equipped kids for the trials of real life. This awful source of sustenance is a reminder of the inescapable lesson everyone must learn at some point in his or her life: learn how to cook, you lazy bastard. So try to take the message to heart, or eat ramen until you die. Whichever is more manageable.

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are you smarter than? sydney, from blarney's

1) Religion: Lao Tzu wrote the Tao Te Ching, the seminal work of this eastern religon. _____________________________________________________

6) Language: The Latin phrase, "In vino vertias" translates roughly into this. _____________________________________________________

2) Science Fiction: What alphabetically-themed ship does Luke Skywalker pilot in Star Wars: A New Hope? _____________________________________________________

7) The Human Body: A person's circadian rhythm mostly relates to this function.

3) Food: What well-known cereal is "Kid-tested, mother approved"? _____________________________________________________ 4) Literature: This House of the Seven Gables author also famously wrote about a woman with a letter on her chest. _____________________________________________________ 5) Astronomy: What planet in our solar system is most similar in size to Earth? _____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________ 8) Fashion: Famously icy Anna Wintour is the Editor-inChief of this monthly fashion mag. _____________________________________________________ 9) Geography: Which state in the continental United States has the lowest population density? _____________________________________________________ 10) Youth: Who is the leader of COBRA in the G.I. Joe universe? _____________________________________________________

1) Taoism 2) X-Wing 3) Kix 4) Nathaniel Hawthorne 5) Venus 6) "In wine, truth." 7) Sleep 8) Vogue 9) Wyoming 10) Cobra Commander

correct answers

the drinking game: table horse

Sports are just an excuse to get hammered; you drink before the game and get plowed after to celebrate a win or ease the pain of a loss. March Madness is no different, but instead of just throwing back a few brews, practice your ball handling skills while getting a great pregame buzz. What You’ll Need: A plastic cup, a table, a ping pong ball and beer. Number of Players: Between 2 and 4. Level of Intoxication: A legit pregame buzz unless you have no game, then you’ll be wasted. How To Play: - Set the cup in the middle of the table. - Have a shoot-out to pick the order. - The winner of the shoot-out starts the game by shooting into the cup any way he or she wants. - Be creative with your shots—bounce them in, shoot them behind the back. If the first player misses their shot, they have to take a drink of their beer. - Once a player makes the cup, each player will have to match their shot. - Every player that misses while trying to mimic the shot receives a letter (H-O-R-S-E) and will have to chug for ten seconds. - After everyone tries to mimic the shot, the person next in line creates their own shot and play continues. The player that gets HORSE first has to beer bong a beer. The Game Ends When: Once a player gets HORSE. Then start it up again!

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sydney's answers 1. Orthodox? Is that a religion? 2. I have no idea. ABC. 3. Kix 4. Next question

5. Uranus 6. In wine...? 7. Dancing 8. Um...Vogue? 9. Alaska 10. Channing Tatum

syndey's score: 2.5/10 correct

recipe for disaster: swoll shake

There’s nothing meatheads love more than a protein shake before, during, and after their workouts. It’s important to stick to a strict protein regimen if you need large muscles to compensate for your below-average dick and brain. This Swoll Shake will take care of that for you, so you have more time to focus on your squat form. What You’ll Need: An 8 oz. steak, 4 oz. of salmon, 2 oz. of tuna, 4 oz. of turkey, 4 eggs, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, ice, half a gallon of milk, 1 cup of peanut butter and a kick-ass blender. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: No fat, bro. Just muscle. Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the steak, salmon and turkey into little pieces. - Cook each item separately to the desired level of doneness. - Beat the four eggs and cook them in a pan. - Mix all of the ingredients and then throw them in the blender with the ice. - Blend the items up until the drink is smooth. If the mixture is too thick add extra milk. - Pour you Swoll Shake into your favorite workout bottle and hit the gym. Don’t be turned off by the smell… or the taste for that matter. Just man up and drink it down.

Hungry for More?

S t. p A T R I C K' S D A Y Brought To You By The Guys Who Made The Hangover And Other Sweet College Partyin’ Movies In case you didn’t know, The Black Sheep dabbles in more than just print and porn. A few weeks back we had the opportunity to meet with a bigwig executive at a movie makin’ company. “This is our big shot,” we thought. We couldn’t blow it; we had to come up with an idea that no one could turn down. And what’s one movie that seems impossible to kill off? Star-studded ensemble holiday movies, of course! So we marched into that executive’s office ready to pitch The Black Sheep Presents: Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day The Movie. Since this idea was so golden, so perfect, so mouth-wateringly fresh, we brought a tape-recorder so that we could send our pitch to other movie companies… just in case this guy was actually stupid enough to pass on the idea. The Black Sheep: Hi Mr. [redacted] nice to meet you! Are you ready to hear our pitch? Executive: I suppose, but let’s make it snappy. I’m eating sushi off of a naked woman in 20 minutes. The Black Sheep: No problemo! Okay, the scene opens on a lush green field on a quiet morning in southern Ireland – yes, Ireland. Then, out of nowhere, a stout little leprechaun -- played by Adam Sandler or Tracy Morgan, because, as an offensive racial stereotype would say, “a leprechaun ain’t black!?” -- runs across the screen with a HUGE bong in his hand. He turns back and yells “You’ll never get me POT of gold!” He’s being chased, but by whom? Drunk guys clad in St. Patrick’s Day gear – Sean William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Then, freeze frame on Sean and Ryan diving after the leprechaun, (maybe they miss, and accidentally pull down a girl’s shirt instead, and there’s like, these huge tits on this huge screen, except the nipples are green, like St. Patrick’s Day! It doesn’t matter where the girl came from, we’ll figure that out in production. Titles SMASH into the screen, “Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie.” Executive: Okay, I like boobs on the opening scene – always an eye-catcher. Make them golden boobs, for St. Patrick’s Day. Otherwise, I don’t see where this is going, and my naked sushi is waiting. TBS: (flipping through pages and pages of loose paper) Okay, okay… Here! So basically, Ryan O’Toole (Ryan Reynolds) and Brady McDuff (Sean William Scott) are looking for the perfect solution to day drinking without falling asleep. In their search they run into a crazy German coke dealer (Kevin James), an uppity high school Adderall dealer (Andy Milonakis), a Scottish

butcher obsessed with “meaty bits,” that is, if we can get Mike Meyers, who tells them they must travel to Ireland – the land of drinking to find the “Irish Trifecta, the three-leaf clover of drinking.” Executive: Okay, this is starting to get better, but what’s going to make it stand out from all the other comedy romps out there? TBS: Well, Ryan and Brady finally find a secret book that spells out the Irish Trifecta – green beer, gold boobs (we winked at the executive upon saying this), and a very special strain of weed found on a marijuana farm that photosynthesizes from refracted light. “A rainbow!” say Brady and Ryan to each other, looking up from the ancient book. Executive: Amazing. TBS: (our voices gathering excitement) So Brady and Ryan have their work cut out for them. The conflict: Where do they find these three things? Well green beer is everywhere, and they start hilariously drinking too much of it – we’re thinking a montage of these two getting super hammered and dancing around Ireland, pulling down girls’ shirts to see if they have “golden boobs” – who wouldn’t watch that? It’s gold. So after that 20-minute montage, we’re thinking they finally realize “boobs” didn’t mean “breasts,” but rather the archaic English meaning of “dolts.” Sean and Ryan look at each other – half naked, covered in Goldschläger sitting in a pool of green beer in Colin Farrell’s Irish castle with 21 bare-boobed women – “That’s us!” they say. It’s a revelation! Colin Farrell looks up from a line of coke, “DUH DOY!!!!!” he says! Executive: Ok, I’m putting through word to get this into production right now. Do we have a screenplay? Actually never mind that, we’ve still got the broomstick that fell on a keyboard and wrote Hangover III on retainer from But, how does it end!? TBS: Okay, so Brady and Ryan now have two parts of the Irish Trifecta – all they need is the pot at the end of the rainbow, but they can only get there via helicopter. Whose helicopter? EDDIE MURPHY’S! He’ll be playing a black Irish millionaire who loves to PARTY! Again, remember, Irishland doesn’t have a whole lot of black people, so him doing that accent will be really funny. Executive: Eddie Murphy’s awful expensive, boys.

TBS: Also, his helicopter will be blasting, “Party All the Time,” like that scene in Apocalypse Now. That’s like, double nostalgia. Executive: I GET IT! Uh, okay, wait. When did they find out where the rainbow weed was? TBS: …They just know… because… Ryan had a dream where he saw Vanilla Ice dressed as a leprechaun show him the field, so he like, knows what it looks like. Executive: … Works for me! TBS: Okay, so they get in Eddie Murphy’s helicopter and find the rainbow weed, but unfortunately Adam Sandler/Tracy Morgan leprechaun is guarding it. But we know you're short on time Mr. [redacted], so we’ll get to the end, just to prove we definitely haven’t not thought out the ending. This is where the chase from the beginning happens, and they chase the leprechaun into his layer. And what do they find there? Women, with golden boobs! “There really are golden boobs!” they say! And after talking to the leprechaun (who will say hilarious things like “Kiss me I’m stoned!” and “I’m higher than Tommy Pickles’ dad!” 90’s nostalgia is so “win” with kids these days!) they realize he can’t visit big Irish cities because he’ll get caught and sold as a leprechaun slave like his ancestors. Therefore, he’s been unable to obtain green beer and instead guards the two other constituents of the Irish Trifecta, waiting for the right two people to bring him green beer. But Ryan, Brady, and Eddie don’t have any green beer on them! So the four of them all get super stoned on rainbow weed – cue hilarious stoner montage – when they come up with a great idea: put the sad, dejected leprechaun on stilts and treat him like a human! They head to the nearest city, Dublin, and fuse the Irish Trifecta. A sick golden three-leaf clover rises above the bar and everyone goes crazy, but the leprechaun falls off his stilts… silence, shock, awe (are people going to capture him?)… no! Everyone keeps partying, treating him as an equal, not a novelty. So he buries his face in some golden boobs, and declares that everyone shall day drink without repercussions for all St. Patty’s Days to come! Executive: The end! I love it! and just got word that the broomstick has the first draft done already!

we interview: Pandora's boxx We had the opportunity to interview Pandora Boxx (of drag queen lore, not Greek mythology). You know her from multiple appearances on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, but she’s involved in a plethora of other projects. Check out for a peek into her bo… okay that’s enough. By Quinn TBS: How did you come to the name Pandora Boxx, besides the ol’ double entendre? PB: When I started I knew I had to pick a name, and I wanted to pick something fun and punny. I was in Greek mythology at the time, and I liked the story of Pandora and thought with a name like that you wouldn’t know what to expect. The Black Sheep: You’re a comedian, entertainer, musician – a Swiss army knife, basically – when did you start being an entertainer, and did drag go hand-in-hand with that? Pandora Boxx: I think that since I was a kid I’ve always been an actor… but I didn’t really know you could do drag, so when I got older and tried it I thought “Oh wow this is actually really fun, and you can kind of just do anything you want to do.” And that’s basically how I got started. I never thought of doing it as a career until much later. TBS: So did you treat it as a career while in college, or afterwards? PB: I had been interested in doing that all my life but never on stage. I’m always cracking jokes and telling funny stories, so I was kind of doing it, but not actually calling it stand up. I also hosted drag shows, which are a lot like standup because you have to talk to the audience and interact. But I guess I didn’t realize that was what I was actually doing until I went into stand up comedy. TBS: You’ve got The Gay (means happy) Show! and two pretty crazy music videos with chart-topping songs. What makes you want to keep branching into new things? PB: Since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to do music – you know, lip synching to Madonna songs in my room. And then I met some people through Drag Race and it started to become a reality. I just wanted to make fun music, because there really aren’t any comedy dance songs. But then you actually [make music videos] and you realize how much work goes into making everything – there’s a lot of money and a lot of time, it’s just this crazy process and I have a newfound respect for any artist that does any kind of music or album. TBS: The lack of comedic dance music is definitely a good point. Was your “Nice Car, Sorry About Your Penis,” a bit before it was a song? PB: Actually it wasn’t… I met this girl Shango who did the backup vocals on the song in San Francisco. We started talking about the song idea, that I wanted something Ke$hasounding because I think her style would fit mine -- I’m certainly no amazing singer, and I should stick to my realm. So she came back with the song, and we went back and forth in the writing process. I just thought it was funny, and I’ve never heard a song about that, even though it’s a common thing that people talk about.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

Girls Sunday, March 17th at 9pm on HBO

TBS: And then you have the Huffington Post blog -- do you treat it as a personal blog or a platform for a voice for LGBT? PB: Well, I haven’t really been amazing with my Huffington Post blog, because I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with it. Like, I don’t want it to just be a personal blog, I want it to mean a little more. So I’ve been using it more as a personal story, because I realized on Drag Race when I talked about myself and how I was depressed as a kid and tried to commit suicide, I realized how many people that affected and how many people still talk about it… so hopefully by saying that it can change someone’s life who might be going through something similar. TBS: What other projects are you working on now? PB: I’m kind of at a point where I’m trying to figure out what the next thing to do is. Like do I work on another song or anything else. And one thing I’ve learned from Drag Race and being an entertainer full time, is that there’s a lot of stuff that starts but never finishes – because that’s just the nature of the business with working with people and their schedules. But I do have a short film called ExConfident that’s coming out, and I’m not sure where all the screenings will be for it, but we’re going through the film festival process and seeing if they’ll pick it up. And I’m doing a new web-series for called Drag Center, where I recap the episodes of Drag Race. TBS: And finally, what’s your perfect sandwich? PB: Hmm, food sandwich or sexual sandwich? I’ll say sexual sandwich.

Just when you were really starting to understand the intricacies of Hannah's barely-decipherable mind, Season 2 of Girls is coming to an end. In the season finale, Hannah (Lena Dunham) must write her voice-of-a-generation book in a single day, Marnie (Allison Williams) totally misinterprets her ex-boyfriends intentions (just get naked already), and Ray makes a move to impress quirky Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Don't worry, season 3 is already in the works.

Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience out march 19th

After nearly seven years and a few legit acting gigs, Justin Timberlake is back with his third solo album, featuring the so-so single "Suit & Tie." Timberlake said he began working on the album with "no rules or end goal in mind," which sounds like a pretty sweet way to make a record. Try to check him out on tour with Jay-Z this summer, because who ever would've thought a former Mickey Mouse Club member and drug dealer would share a stage.

admission in theaters march 22nd

Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in this rom-com about Portia Nathan (Fey), a Princeton admissions officer who makes a recruiting visit to an alternative high school overseen by her former college buddy John Pressman (Paul Rudd). Upon visiting the school, Pressman suggests that one of his wacky, gifted students is her son that she gave up via a secret adoption many years ago. Will this deep, dark, quirky secret drive them together? Only time will tell. (Also, yes it will.)

play st. patty's day bingo! Nudity

Green Beer

Someone Crying

A Paddy Wagon

Drunk Old Man

Someone Asleep

Striped Socks

A Cop

A Beer bong


Green Eggs or ham

A Fight

Leprechaun Hat

A Wipeout

Dropkick Murphys Shirt

This Sign

A Makeout

Outdoor Peeing

A Bags Game


A Drinking ticket

A Drunk asian

Marijuana paraphernalia

Indoor Sunglasses

the crossword: Things that are green shake. 20) Jim Henson’s most famous creation. Down 1) Mad Christmas H8R. 2) She put this in the coconut, and drank them both up. 3) Not to be confused with a crocodile. 4) Ganja, baby. 7) The capital city in the Land of Oz. 10) Luke’s teacher, he was. 11) He can blow a bubble with his bum bum bum. 13) Prickly son of a bitch. 15) They are black, too. 16) Delicious when drizzled with ranch. 18) This city dyes their river green.

2-fors b m o B r a C s t h o s Iri$4 Sh st Warehouse District 430 1 Avenue North Minneapolis, MN

Green Pints

Green Beer 1

Party Favors

Across 2) St. Patty’s Day mascot. 5) Spanish for green (salsa). 6) Snooki loves to drink its juice. 8) The winner of this gets a green jacket. 9) No matter how many times you cut it, it always grows back. 12) An edible, mini tree. 14) Guacamole, essentially. 17) Normally paired with spinach and pita bread. 19) A minty McDonald’s

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Minnesota - Issue 8 - 3/14/2013  
Minnesota - Issue 8 - 3/14/2013  

Minnesota - Issue 8 - 3/14/2013