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An Ode to Bacon
page 7
TBS STAFF wrote this Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous Rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air
To these people I ask, “Have you not lived?” Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “Bacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight
The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing
Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather
But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain
When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs
Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bahh, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free
The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as I make my breakfast each ‘morn I thank the Bacon Gods I was born
For I have enjoyed the purest form of happiness In fact, I’m eating bacon right now as I’m drafting this To my fellow friends and baconosseurs, I thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store.