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The Black Sheep FR


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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college • @blacksheep_umn

Volume 3, Issue 10 11/8/12 - 11/14/12

Why College Students Don't Vote Katrina Nicholson wrote this

We watched the stream of over-generalized and ill-informed political tweets and Facebook statuses. We listened to the never-ending flood of drool that characterizes any presidential election. And we now have elected a new president. But, who cares? Nearly all of us college students are eligible voters, but only a few of us voted. It's a sad truth, but most of us either don't care, don't understand politics, or are too lazy to figure out how this whole voting thing works. Whatever your excuse is, remember it weeks and months from now when you inevitably complain about the election result. The rule of thumb is: if you didn’t vote, absolutely no complaining. And even if you did vote you still shouldn't complain, because no one likes a whiner. Most students won't complain though, because a staggering majority of college students don't give half a shit about the election. We may care about the issues, but when it comes down to the idiosyncrasies of each candidate, things get too complicated and really (really) dull. Reading up on their backgrounds, their quotes, and their mishaps is far too taxing. And let's be honest, we get all our information from Twitter or Facebook anyway. For the few people who attempted to Google the candidates’ stances on the issues, even the well-laid-out charts with animated drawings trying to explain and clarify tax plans to toddlers were too complex. At the end of the day, we just don't want things to get any worse than they already are. And by that we mean, we don't want to lose any more money or freedom. Spare us the details about income percentages and job creation and unemployment rates. Fix what's broken and don't break whatever still kind of works. Thank you. Politics aren't cut-and-dry, they're complicated, greasy, and dishonest. Both candidates, in any election, are that girl at the bar who insists she isn't that drunk, and then proceeds to throw up a mouthful of silky vodka and Cheez-Its on your shirt. Politicians make promises that they can't deliver in a strategic attempt to gain support. As usual, Disney explains it best. There was that episode of That's So Raven! Where Chelsea runs for class president... She really cares about the issues but because her opponent, Stinky Sturky, promises to do a bunch of cool stuff, Chelsea has to fight back with promises that she can't deliver. In the end, Chelsea didn't win because she didn't play the game right. It's not about who's a better

Finding the Winter Hook-Up Thick blankets, mouthed Christmas

person or who cares more, it's about conning the most people into believing they care more. Both candidates made promises that are unfair and unrealistic. Most everyone in the nation will be disappointed and pissed. The predominant reason that college students don't vote is because they can't figure out how. It's actually pretty pathetic how many people admit that they wanted to register but never got around to it simply because they didn't know where to do it. It's not incredibly complicated; you go to Google, find the search bar, type in “register to vote,” find the appropriate form, fill it out and stick a postage stamp on it. Or you find one of the thousands of GOTV prowling the campus and let them mail it in for you. Then you're pretty much ready to go. Why didn’t

what’s inside

you just ask someone? It takes a maximum 20 minutes of your life. It would be cool if it was easier to vote, but if it was easier to vote then it'd be easier to rig the election, and then really what would be the purpose of voting anyway? While many U.S. citizens voted in this election, most of us college students sat on our asses and played a (really great) drinking game to the CNN news coverage. Our version of political activism consists of “liking” a page on Facebook or retweeting a few sexual innuendos about the election. Maybe years from now, once we're out in the real world with families to raise, we'll figure out a way to muster up some shits to give.

The Top Ten Crutch Words

Bartender of the Week

songs, and booze. Easy.

We yell at college students for sounding stupid and demand more from them.

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Matt M From Town Hall Brewery better hope he never gets shrunk and put in a blender.

contents page 5: Post Election Depression Syndrome

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

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We sure will miss those “binders full of women” memes.

page 5: An Ode to Bacon

Table of

The more you eat the better you feel, so let's eat bacon for every meal!... wait.

page 10: The Art of Alcohol Origin Stories All you need is the open sea to make a great drink.

page 14: the riddle solve it and do that end zone dance you've been practicing for weeks.

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last week’s answers

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Emmy Rossum & Orlando Bloom

word of the week Brotive:

Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity. “Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”

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The Top ten

Finding The Winter Hook-up McKinley Johnson wrote this

Crutch Words

10.) Honestly: Usually found lodged between a “like” and a subjective statement, this crutch only serves to affirm your shallow personality. Honestly, it’s like they’re trying to sound like a moron.

Well, fellow Minnesotans, we’ve gotten that first rush of nippy weather and it’s time to start bundling up for a long, suffocating winter. Hopefully it will snow this time around.

remember to cut ‘em loose before you end up like the Donner Party.

But we digress; we're going to give you a few tips to help you deal with the unsatisfying harsh winter. You need a mate to hibernate with. You need to get laid.

Set up a big party to kick off winter right. Lots of vodka and no inhibition! The ladies are on their way, and the guys are carrying the necessary ice luge. It’s time to get a few things ready for the night.

Make sure you have heat in your house. This is applicable regardless of whether you want to get lucky. If you live in a dorm this is already taken care of, but it’s a doubleedged sword from hell because with that heat comes the ungodly stench of depression and loneliness that would scare off even the most foolhardy bedmates. Those with your own place, remember to always keep the thermostat at a lovely 70 degrees. If not, buck up soldier, nobody’s going to want to join you. If done correctly, thick blankets are the most subtle and smooth setup to get nookie. With heat at an over-reasonable level and with a thick blanket you’ve ensured plenty of naked, hot and angry (AKA sex). Time to sink those teeth in, tiger. But your job’s not over. Now that you’ve provisioned your house, on to the fun part. Get out. Take a stroll around campus and get your flirt on. Go to the bar, dance, mingle, drink, get a few numbers. This is the season where men and women are looking for a cozy relationship. It’s allright to say “I’ll call you tomorrow.” If that's what keeps whatever you have going, going. Just

Or, the alternative.

The Winter Playlist: Put your iPod on crossfade and set up the speakers, start off friendly with a few Christmas-themed songs, “Winter Wonderland,” “Jingle Bells”, everybody will chip in for a note or two, a few white Russians later, switch up with some subtle romantic undertones “All I Want for Christmas is You” is always a good one. It’s time to start making calls while the party is still going full swing and nobody’s praying to the porcelain gods. At the end of the night that cute girl you’ve been making eyes at is smiling at you with those lips and playing with her hair. It’s time for the nerd to step up and claim the prize, get out an old school tune “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Lip sync it. Seriously, don’t pretend you don’t know the words. Get your girl out on the dance floor, then up to your room to have some fun (not necessarily in that order). You’ve gone through the list, you’ve done everything right? Then you’ll have a great time.* *Satisfaction not guaranteed.

9.) Basically: The person that uses this doesn’t trouble themselves with the details; they want the big picture and nothing more.They will strip any idea of unnecessary baggage and force blank stares from you when they regurgitate their interpretation. It’s basically like watching someone drive a car. (It makes sense if you don’t think about it.) 8.) You Know: The interjecting of “ya’knows” between statements has long been a staple phrase of “the moron.” This person is well aware that their communication abilities suck and they are making every effort (after every sentence) to make sure you’re following their train of thought. 7.) Irregardless: This is a word crutch in the sense that it is an extremely irritating non-word that makes one want to put the user on crutches. We’re in college; we should know the difference between “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” Furthermore, we should know better than to use a fictitious word. Double negatives are like heroin: you use it once and get addicted to the pseudo-intellectual babble that is spilling effortlessly from your mouth. Heroin might be worse, but not by much. 6.) Okay: This one is found right at the beginning of a sentence and is usually followed by an exasperated sigh and a bulleted “so.” It’s also used to interrupt people while they’re talking, so that it sounds like you actually give a damn about what’s coming out of their mouth. Shut up and listen, okay? 5.) Seriously: This one is seriously an annoying word. How would we know they weren’t being serious of they didn’t tell us? Seriously, stop it. 4.) Personally: The Black Sheep is all about personal opinions, but we’re subtle about throwing them at people (sometimes). Anytime someone starts a sentence with “Personally...” We all know that the words to follow will be lacking in substance and credible weight. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but that doesn’t mean it should be shared. 3.) Um, Ah, or Uh: Shifting gears from one topic to another, or even from one word to the next, can be a struggle. The “ums,” “ahs,” and “uhs” are the gears grinding in your brain as you struggle to spit words out of your face. There’s nothing more embarrassing than stalling a car, or in this case, your brain. 2.) Literally: This is literally one of the most overused and annoying crutches. It’s used incorrectly by placing it in front of an obviously untrue statement. Pick up a dictionary, try to figure out how to spell “literally,” and bash the book against your head until you get the definition through your skull. 1.) Like: Valley girls unite. If you’re incapable of speaking without interrupting yourself every other word, you need to slow down and, like, um, think about what you’re, like, going to say. Personally, I think that word crutches are literally worse than murder. Seriously. Okay, but like honestly, it doesn’t matter if English is “hard.” Irregardless, you need to figure it out, because basically, you sound like an idiot if you don’t. Ya’know?

katrina wrotethis this Nik nicholson Strand wrote

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Post-Election Depression Syndrome

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TBS STAFF wrote this Election season is coming to an end. Say goodbye to GIFs of Obama dancing, autotuned Romney singing his arguments, and most of all the much-loved debate drinking games. Over the last few months every media outlet has been fueled by coverage of both candidates’ campaigns, missteps along the way, and the occasional ultimatum by Donald Trump. What will happen when someone actually wins the election? We all know that Honey Boo Boo Child and Hillbilly Handfishin’s ratings aren’t affected by the election, but what about the shows that have done nothing but cover the election for the past three months like The Daily Show, Saturday Night Live, and Fox News. We know that their ratings are going to take a hit after November 6th, so what happens next?

It’s not all about us though. What about all of the poor TV networks that will have to start covering real news or coming up with original jokes, and not just repeating what the president said the previous night during the debate? Saturday Night Live can go back to making MacGruber sketches (something that should have died one movie and thirty sketches ago) and Fox News can go back to making up 50% of the news. And if Romney loses? They’ll just carry on as if he won and talk about the sweeping reforms he is bound to make as President of the United States.

An epidemic that sweeps the nation every four years will resurface again: Post-Election Depression Syndrome (PEDS). Symptoms include staring aimlessly at the TV and flipping the channels hoping to find some election-related coverage, carrying around binders full of women, and dressing up like Big Bird to get unrelated points across. There are a few known cures, but they don’t always work. Some people say they begin to actually pay attention to state and county elections (like those even exist), others print off the transcripts of the debates and reenact them, but the truly afflicted write slash fiction of surprisingly inti-

What’s truly sad about the election is that all of the newspapers will have to actually go search for news instead of just repeating what every website posted during and immediately after the debates. We know Romney has binders full of women in his office and Obama has a weird fascination with Big Bird, we heard it last night. I know the time will come when you can start making headlines about the president’s blunders, but until the new president is inaugurated, newspapers are going to have to start covering actual events like Hurricane Sandy or Snooki’s mothering techniques.

mate encounters between various political figures (see: “The Presidential Erection”).

Whatever the outcome of the election may be, we ask only a few things of the world to help us deal with PEDS: One, do your best to make us laugh without references to the candidates. We’re okay if you want to make fun of congressmen or other elected officials. Two, come up with some new memes. We don’t care if that means taking awkward pictures of your grandma and posting them online for people to make fun of, or tweeting a boner pic and saying it’s a celebrity, just think of something. Last, but not least, put NBC’s Community back on the air. This whole election thing is just a way for networks to bridge the gap between this season and last season. What’s going to happen to Annie’s Boobs, people? Now that’s a national emergency.

From the Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?

If money were not a factor, what would be your dream job? “A dog breeder, so I could play with puppies all day!” - Tucker S, Sophomore

“A fighter pilot in the military, and then retire and fly commercial planes.” - Thomas H., Sophomore

“I’d keep being a princess.” - Erinn B, Senior

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(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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An Ode to Bacon

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TBS STAFF wrote this Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous Rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air

To these people I ask, “Have you not lived?” Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “Bacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight

The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing

Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather

But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain

When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs

Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bahh, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free

The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as I make my breakfast each ‘morn I thank the Bacon Gods I was born

For I have enjoyed the purest form of happiness In fact, I’m eating bacon right now as I’m drafting this To my fellow friends and baconosseurs, I thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store.

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page 10

The Art of Alcohol Origin Stories

TBS staff wrote this Like many of you, we’ve often wondered how alcoholic beverages get their names. Certainly there’s some reason why we call it “Grey Goose” and not “Burgundy Elephant” or “Magenta Hippogriff.” We ventured out on a mission to find the best booze origin stories. It took many Wikipedia hunts and time that would have been better left to drinking, but it was an amusing adventure, nevertheless. Captain Morgan: On the bottle it says that Henry Morgan “was a natural born leader—he and his crew were famous for their love of adventure and their taste for the finest rum.” The label conveniently neglects to mention the fact that Captain Morgan was also a mass murderer. Yeah, he sort of burned down Panama. He and his adventure-loving mates decided to start a fire that destroyed over 5,000 houses, churches, and hospitals. We’ll grant the makers of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum some credit for at least finding a spokesman who loved to drink and do stupid shit. For example, he once missed out on a chance to capture an incredibly valuable Spanish Galleon because he and his crew were wasted. Burnett’s: You probably know Burnett’s as we do: the dirt-cheap, battery acid-flavored moonshine that frequents many of Champaign’s finest happenings. But did you know that it was created by a true gentleman? It originates from a distinguished character named Sir Robert Burnett. Next time you’re knocking down a pull from one of their classy plastic handles, try to remember that the guy who made this was actually

addressed as “Sir.” You might have to drink a lot before you actually believe it. Franzia: Teresa Franzia paved way for the Franzia empire starting all the way back in 1906. All nine members of the Franzia family helped out to build their own winery by hand. They put forth a simple vision for success: Make a wine with undeniable quality, freshness, and value, so that one day someone can get hospitalized for butt-chugging it. Kraken: Their website offers the best creation myth we’ve ever heard. Long ago in the Caribbean, a ship carrying spiced rum to Norway was attacked by the enormous kraken beast. In an attempt to fend off the monster, the crew dropped a crate of dynamite into the water and detonated it. But the legendary creature was merely stunned by the blast and came back at the ship with a furious rage of black ink and fatal tentacle attacks. The only survivor of the massacre was a single barrel of the spiced rum, heavily tainted by the squid’s ink. This barrel was rescued from the wreckage and made its way to the Queen of Norway, who sipped from a glass of this blackened rum and proclaimed it a glorious achievement. The drink was named after the dastardly demon in honor of the men who were lost that day during the ill-fated creation of the Kraken Black Spiced Rum. We’re not quite sure how they set off dynamite underwater or how a barrel was saved from an attack that killed the entire crew, but we know one thing: The Kraken origin should be made into a movie.

With these origin story archetypes in mind, it is possible now to create: Every Alcohol Origin Story Ever: Sir Captain Tobias Blacksheep was a distinguished gentleman whose love for creating the finest liquor in the peace loving British Empire was surpassed only by his love for the open sea. One day when Sir Tobias was sailing across the Caribbean to sling booze to some colonies, his ship was struck by a terrible storm. There were also sea monsters which attacked his ship. It was messed up. In the darkest moments of the storm, Tobias sacrificed himself for a barrel of his prized liquor. Although Tobias perished with his ship, his legend and liquor have survived through the ages, the liquor now being purchased by 21-year-old kids who pour it into their butts and eyeballs at Dispatch concerts. That’s it. The end. Let’s get drunk.

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week Matt M. Town Hall Brewery What’s your favorite drink: We’re more of a beer bar so Masala Mama IPA is my favorite beer. That’s my favorite beer to drink here. What’s the worst drink ever: Anything with calvados in it. It’s this French apple brandy. It’s disgusting. Using a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how weird you are: 8/12, 10 being crazy weird. What's your favorite type of music: Country What would you do if you just inherited a bakery from your grandfather: I would turn it into a brewery.

If you were shrunk and put in a blender, how would you get out: [Laughs] How would I get out of a blender... Well, I guess it would depend on how much I was shrunk. Say, the size of a pencil: A pencil... Hopefully by some sort of gymnastics move. What is the last book you read: Some Vince Flynn book, I can’t remember what it was called. If you could be any superhero, which one would you be: I would be Superman [short pause] he can do it all.

What's the most interesting thing you've witnessed as a bartender: Just probably a month ago I saw a guy pull his penis out at the bar.

In a few short sentences tell me about your life from kindergarten onwards: [Laughs] Got really good grades in school, went to the U. Graduated from the U. Worked here while I was in school and loved it so much I never left.

What animal would you prefer to be, and why: Probably a cheetah because they’re really fast.

Justin Bieber or Justin Timberlake and why: Timberlake, because he’s not Justin Bieber.

What's your favorite kind of candy: I don’t really eat candy. Wait, wait, I’ll say dark chocolate. How about that.

the drinking game

Wizard Duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.

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Recipe for Disaster

Pizza Ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.

Hungry for More?

ou y n a c y a Os ? e i v o m s i h see t

In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn

Lincoln: Nov. 16

Django Unchained: Dec. 25

Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.

Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recently-freed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.

Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, Day-Lewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days.

This movie is nothing less than a bloodspattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.

But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also in-

evitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations. Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.

Red Dawn: Nov. 21

Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though,

Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Nov. 16

This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless…

Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white

people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone).

If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content.

again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money. Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.

And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampirethemed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH! Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing

should make you more proud than knowing that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA! Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.

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Contributing to Philosophy Class

page 13

TBS STAFF wrote this

Philosophy class may be the last place on Earth where students actually have the urge to raise their hands and contribute to discussions on stuff like Aristotle’s badass virtue ethics. In this last haven for student-faculty interaction, one beholds the rare opportunity to look deep into the psyche of a UVa student. For those who have chosen to pursue majors that will actually land them a job after college, you will be surprised at what you would find in these classes. In your average lecture hall, the professor decides to conduct a conversation about last week’s reading that approximately 1% of the class bothered to look at. While he is delving into critiques of Mill’s brand of utilitarianism, Sorority Sally emerges from her hungover haze, gripped by an insatiable desire to share her words of wisdom with her lecture composed of 150+ of her peers. As she weaves her way through several “I feel likes,” a handful of “I think thats,” and an alarming number of “I guesses,” Sorority Sally has finally concocted a complex web of pseudo-philosophical ramblings that somehow relate last week’s slutty affair with her sister’s boyfriend to the application of hedonism as a moral theory. The professor, so deeply disillusioned and physically sickened by Sally’s response, drags himself out of a stupefied stare and brings himself to reply, “I never thought about it that way. . . good. . . anyone else?” The rest of the class, mildly amused by Sally’s deeply personal and unconvincingly “hypothetical” scenario,

braces itself for Philosophizer Phil’s reply. Phil is the guy whom everyone in the class knows by his characteristic Megamind chin-beard and the obnoxious level of effort he devotes to class. At the instant he begins to speak, the class unleashes out a collective sigh of despair. You see, Phil is the type who stays after class daily to challenge the professor with an “if p then q” statement. Even the professor hates him. After a longwinded whiny response about a bunch of “if ought implies cans” and a long link of outrageous syllogisms, no one knows whether this kid is the voice of god or just a bombastic moron. The second the professor responds with a hesitant “Yeah. . . I don’t know though. . . anyone else?” the class rejoices as one. Out of nowhere, your professor calls on Lax Bro Brennan taking a snooze in the back, who was, up until then, camouflaged by the volleyball team. Brennan only showed up today to maintain his solid 2.0 GPA, and was busy occupying himself with less than subtle comments making fun of Philosophizer Phil. “Uh what was that bro? Can you repeat the question?” This situation is nothing new to Lax Bro Brennan; he figures when times get tough, he can always whip out ol’ reliable: “Yeah I mean pretty much what everyone else said.” Nice one, Lax Bro Brennan, crisis averted. Nervous as hell after a long succession of wrong answers, Timid Tina is convinced that she can provide the right response. With the classic half hand raise, then

retreat; raise, then retreat; resembling a sad case of impotence, the professor finally notices Timid Tina and calls on her. Tina, caught off guard, bursts out an “I feel like . . . wait I don’t know how to say it . . . wait what’s the word . . . you know like Aristotle was like . . . like you what I mean, right?” Unfortunately for Tina, the professor does not know “what she means, like.” Class dismissed.

the riddle

Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to and if you’re right, you’ll win something sweet!

the classtime

rappers and their lyrics Across 2) It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine 6) With so much drama in the LBC, it’s kinda hard bein’ ____ 8) Fake shoes, that’s that shit I don’t like 9) I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one 10) Black and yellow, black and yellow 14) See Caroline, all the guys would say she’s mighty fine 16) ‘Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 17) Move, bitch, get out the way 18) You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime 20) Ten, ten, ten twenties on ya titties, bitch

king, so that’s why you’re my highness. 5) Kick, push. Kick, push. 7) ___ ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with. 11) Today, I didn’t even have to use my A.K. I got to say, it was a good day. 12) To all, skeet, skeet, motherf*cker! All, skeet, skeet, god damn. 13) I do suicides on the private jet, you know what that means? I’m fly to death. 15) Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit. 19) I don’t hate players, I don’t love the game. I’m the shot clock, way above the game.

Down 1) So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head 3) That’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is 4) Now baby you’re the truth, so I’m just being honest. You treat me like a





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Minnesota Fall Issue 10 - 11/8/12  

Minnesota Fall Issue 10 - 11/8/12

Minnesota Fall Issue 10 - 11/8/12  

Minnesota Fall Issue 10 - 11/8/12