Michigan State - Issue 12 - 4/4/2013

The Black Sheep

FR EE pu ... l bl ike ica t tio he n aw Th ar e S dta win te Ne nin ws g .

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 8, Issue 12 • 4/3/13 - 4/10/13

theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep

Dearest Readers, It is with a heavy heart that I regretfully inform you that The Black Sheep has been subjected to a hostile takeover at the hands of the finest newspaper on Earth, The State News. Thus, our paper has taken a new direction. Gone are the days of genitalia humor and satire, and taking shots at celebrities who ask Drake to “murder their vaginas.”

There were forces at work beyond our control. Lou Anna K, our corporate sponsors, outraged alliances of citizens -- all of them sought to end the torrent of dickery being spouted on a weekly basis from our proverbial soapbox. So they sent in and backed our long-time, occasional rival, The State News, to overtake us and turn this paper into something that “enriches society and isn’t abhorrent filth.”

This week our new owners have allowed me to run this farewell, but they have also insisted on running the letters and inquiries leading up to this hostile takeover, as well as a taste of what the future articles and content will look like. Enjoy, I guess, or whatever.

Sunrise, sunset, nothing gold can stay, Justin Gawel Former Campus Manager

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! page three k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Illuminaughty: A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”

"O-Faces for our joint OkCupid profile pic? Sounds good!"

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theblacksheeponline.com

Lou Anna K. Writes The Black Sheep Randy Dickerman wrote this Scholars (or lack thereof) of The Black Sheep: Amidst tending to my presidential duties, such as beating my high-score on Minesweeper, slamming Brody Caf chili-cheese fries, and commissioning baller-ass museums with Eli Broad, it has recently come to my attention that I have become quite the mainstay in your “newspaper.”

Initially, the thought warmed my heart. I had never heard of The Black Sheep before and thought it would be a publication like our nationally-recognized and purposefully-bland school paper, The State News, with poignant content like “Best Board Games to Play With Your Floor” and “How the Women’s Lacrosse Team Affects the National GDP.” Apparently, I was in for quite the surprise. After the fourth accusation of me being drunk around students, let alone hanging out with Michigan fans, I was thoroughly appalled by your publication. And don’t even get me started on your fart joke fixation.

Now don’t misinterpret me, I’m not mad at you for constantly mentioning me. You’re Spartans, after all, and we must stick together. Plus, you’re kind of like a crappy, college version of The Onion and I love that damn publication. I’m just… disappointed. I remember reviewing your applications when you were wide-eyed and obviously-corruptible incoming freshmen. Some of you aspired to become middle management corporate cubicle-fillers, others wanted to find the coveted cure for athlete’s foot, and a few wanted to study horticulture for reasons that I can only assume after reading your material were marijuana-specific. Shame on you; you all showed so much promise. Now look at you, writing articles about the how the Constitution is a joke and professing odes to bacon. Truly lost souls on the path to knowledge.

Having said that, I will concede that the sex-help piece in the Bacon Issue did help spice things up in the bedroom for the First Man and I. Whenever he goes shopping now, he always comes back with cured meat, a pack of magnums, and a Jack Nicholson-esque grin on his face – a true romantic.

That is neither here nor there, though. I simply can’t take it anymore. As president of this institution of higher learning, it is my job to ensure that you don’t royally screw up your future, or any other students’ for that matter. It seems as if most of you are lost causes, but there is still hope to save the rest of campus from your depraved ways.

Something had to be done to rescue our university, which is why I have sent in the staff at The State News to take over The Black Sheep and, ultimately, restore order. I wasn’t going to go to these drastic measures, but just last week the statistics came in showing a spike in library streaking. The final straw was when I found an other-wise polite couple going to “pleasure town” on the hood of my car and, when they cited The Black Sheep’s advice as their inspiration, I decided enough was enough.

I can only hope that the positive influence of The State News will help straighten you degenerates out. If you wish to keep The Black Sheep on campus, I suggest you follow their upright and tasteful example by reviewing the content you choose to produce. Maybe more articles about the beauty of the W.J. Beal Botanical Gardens or why hygiene is important? That is quality material that appeals to all students.

With that, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Ghandi, “We must be the change we wish to see in the world

an ra's plea

grody man thighs wrote this

– so stop being sarcastic assholes and writing articles about being a ‘bar star,’ losers.” People always seem to forget that last part.

Xoxo hugs and kisses, Lou Anna K. Simon P.S. I will concede your articles that fancy me a gin-drinker were relatively accurate. Tanqueray only, though—I’m not a sad, broke college kid like all of you.

The following was transcribed at a University Ethics Board hearing. It happened just days before The State News bought The Black Sheep, but we thought it necessary to print some materials that reinforce the reasons we bought out the morally depraved “entertainment” magazine.

March 28, 2013 UEB: “Please state your name.”

JESS: “Um, Jess Williamson.”

UEB: “Please describe the charges you are bringing against...”

Papers ruffling.

UEB: “The Black Sheep.”

JESS: “Where to begin… I guess it all goes back to why I became an RA in the first place. I remember during my freshman year, when I had nobody, my RA was there for me.

She was like an older sister who guided me and shaped the way I looked at the world. She was the influence my mother never was. As I went on to finish my first year here at State, I knew I had to become an RA and help girls just like myself.

So, I went through the grueling interview process and have held the job ever since.”

“My first two years were great. Each floor I lived on had its hiccups, but, for the most part, the girls I watched over were nice enough.”

UEB: “When did things take a turn?”

JESS: “Everything started getting bad when The Black Sheep started showing up. I had heard of it before, but knew it was smut so I never read it, and I certainly never encouraged my girls to read it either. But one day they started delivering it door-to-door in my hall and, once, three men without shirts delivered a paper to one of the girls on my floor. She was the first to go and I knew things would only get worse.

“Then the rest of my girls started changing. I was no longer a mentor to college-aged girls, I became a parent to the most terrible children imaginable. I went to child raising seminars: “Raising Kids The Way God Wants,” “Kids Got Drugs? Save Them With Hugs!” and “Beat ‘Em With a Big Dick.” That one was specifically for dads, but I had nowhere else to turn.

“Every weekend I would come back from the library to see almost every one of my residents, Susan excluded, with half gallons of cheap vodka and a man on each arm. You would think that Burnett’s was going out of business the way these girls put it down, but drinking wasn’t all they did. The smell of marijuana hit you like a semi full of vibrators whenever you opened the door to the floor. Now, I’ve never been high, but I know because of science that weed is one of the most dangerous drugs out there. That’s why it’s a Schedule I narcotic!

“But what got me the most was when I came to check on Rachel. Her room was awfully loud. When I opened the door, I saw her snort a line of cocaine. She tried to tell me it was just Adderall because she had a big final the next morning, but I know that no one snorts Adderall. It was cocaine, and I know for a fact that The Black Sheep staff does a lot of cocaine, because I had a friend tell me that.

“And how could anyone forget the dick jokes? Every girl on my floor, except for Susan (God bless her), was spouting off racy jokes about penises. Jokes like, ‘What did the vagina say to the dick? It was nice of you to pop in, but you should have stayed a while longer.’ What is that? That’s not funny like a Marmaduke comic. That kind of lewd remark is certainly not humor, but that’s what The Black Sheep finds amusing.

“Look, I just don’t want my students to turn out like these idiots who write for a paper like The Black Sheep. That’s all.

I know it’s not my job to tell them what to read, but is there any way we can ban this paper? At least from the dorms?”

UEB: “We have no ‘control’ over the students’ right to speech.

Luckily, Lou Anna K Simon has sent in staffers from The State News to straighten out this problem. Compromise is key.”

Gavel hitting the table.

JESS: “Thank the good Lord for those pure of heart journalists.”

Applause erupts.

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

A humble request prom night wrote this Dear Scumbags,

But, even compared to hipsters, you sickos are on a whole ‘nother level of social worthlessness. You just think you’re so clever, writing horrible lies about how great blood diamond s are, o r h ow p e o p l e are dying in the cafeterias, or for warding the notion that no one has really lived until they’ve had sex on a toilet—such slander makes me violently sick… I would stick some brain dead Frankenstein-esque monster we found eating out of an Arby’s dumpster in a commercial for Hamm’s rather than have our name printed in your “dick”-splattered “newspaper.” Hell, we even tried that, but McGary gets too scared and confused when bright lights and people bearing down on him.

10.) Change a Baby: When there’s a baby around, things are bound to get messy. Unfold an old copy of The Black Sheep on the nearest flat surface, and presto! You’ve got yourself a fancy changing table on the fly, with crappily-photoshopped pictures for your baby/niece/ abductee to shit on.

9.) Make a Pirate Hat: If you picked up a copy of The Black Sheep before it came under ownership of The State News, you obviously have no respect for yourself or for your academic career at Michigan State, so go ahead and make yourself a pirate hat and sit in the corner to reflect on your life choices.

8.) Lining Your Hamster Cage: It’s expensive to go pick up those little wood shavings for the bottom of your hamster’s home, so don’t bother! The Black Sheep (pre-The State News takeover) is absorbent enough to make the perfect potty-humor filled potty-catcher for your little rodent friend. Simply layer the various copies you’ve picked up with no intention of reading along the inside of your cage and you’re good to go.

onto a true bottom feeder, like Big Flats, you defamatory rascals.

I see you’re supporting prostitution now too with this “artisan handjob” business. Classy.

Oh, please, let me just sign right up to be on Team Artisan Handjob. Mention us again in your “paper” and I’ll sue the shabby pants right off you. For the record, and just because you’ve responded to our numerous cease and desist letters with pictures of a pudgy, deformed wombat you’ve somehow trained to chug beer bongs full of cold delicious Hamm’s, doesn’t mean those letters go away, you perpetual catastrophes!

"Benjamin E. Hamm here, and here’s to hoping this letter finally buries the message into your skulls to LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE!"

Guess what, peasants, Benny Hamm isn’t stupid. I get what’s going on here, “Shitty beer for shitty people,” huh? Well, maybe Hamm’s isn’t the best beer out there, but at least we’re not the official drink of Ed Hardy and E.D., like Bud Lite Platinum or “Ol’ Estrogen in a Bottle” a.k.a. Blue Moon.

Terribly sorry you had to find out Blue Moon is a chick beer like this, but at least now you can start drinking real crafts. So go latch

Top 10

Things To Do With Your Old Copies of The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep brought to you by The State News will pledge not to litter your streets and eateries with shaven trees like The Black Sheep did. We are looking into ways to distribute a print product en masse without physically leaving papers anywhere. However, that doesn’t mean we can clean up all the old copies of The Black Sheep, so here’s what we suggest doing with them.

Benjamin E. Hamm here, and here’s to hoping this personally written letter finally buries the message deep into your horrible skulls to LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE! Don’t write about Hamm’s beer, don’t talk about fun times with Hamm’s beer, and don’t even think about that smooth refreshing taste of Hamm’s beer. We tried to be mature about this by ignoring you, we tried to be civil, but it seems your band of freaks just doesn’t get it—like Mitch McGary trying to count.

Look, it’s bad enough all those thumb-sucking, Obama-voting hipsters started ironically drinking us. Don’t even get me started on the blow to morale that was! Do you have any idea what it’s like knowing your beloved beverage has been reduced to mistake-fuel that allows a bunch of smug, skinny-jean wearing goobers to coerce their smelly, hairy women into regrettable dry-hump sessions accompanied by countless Death Cab For Cutie playlists?

It’s bad—like a "no pancakes ever again" kind of bad. Heck, Hammy the Bear has been so depressed, he can’t even get out of bed; he just lays there watching his old commercials on repeat while he types up draft after draft of his suicide letter.

The

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Trust me, creeps, you don’t want to wake the sleeping bear—well, unless it s Hammy the B e a r, because his depression is becoming less “ going through a small rough patch” and more

“Kurt Cobain has a conversation with Werner Herzog.” Point is, if you push this, I’ll come after you like a swarm of bear lawyers, just devouring and suing everything in their path.

It has been brought to my attention while writing this letter that I mistakenly accused you of sending us photos of a “pudgy, deformed wombat” bonging beers. The misshapen lumpy creature in question has identified as Mitch McGary. It appears the poor brute was simply trying to let us know that he likes our beer, but his disturbingly limited vocabulary prevented him from doing so like a normal human. So I guess you’re off the hook for that.

Kiss my Grits, Benjamin E. Hamm

7.) Burning: Worst case scenario, you can always just burn The (Old) Black Sheep for warmth, or just for the sake of burning a copy of The Black Sheep before it became a reputable, upstanding beacon of journalism. Remember, one less old copy of The Black Sheep means a happier, less dick-centric world.

6.) Emergency Toilet Paper: It may not be of the best quality, and the ink will probably smear all over you, but in a pinch it would definitely get the job done. Wipe with caution in order to avoid paper cuts and putting “dicks” in/around your butt.

5.) Casual Paper Mache: Maybe your best friend’s birthday is coming up, or you’re just incredibly sick of that terrible article you’re reading and have the overwhelming urge to turn it into illegible pulp. It can be done! The range of things you can make with paper mache is infinite. Sculptures of your favorite post-Industrial philosopher, models of Paleolithic tools— anything! Spartans will get creative!

4.) Advance Absence Note: The (Old) Black Sheep’s small, neatly typed lettering is ideal for a quirky, fun way to let a professor know you won’t make it to class. No one likes a skipper, so mark your rare need to miss a lecture with crafty, cut-and-paste lettering and you’re sure to still be their favorite student!

3.) Packing Christmas Ornaments: Never want to see that article about poop again? Use it to pack your Christmas ornaments! By tucking it away into boxes in the basement, you’re essentially ensuring that the immature fart jokes will never see the light of day.

2.) Umbrellas: It may be a gloomy spring day, but fear not! You can outsmart the torrential downpour despite your lack of umbrella with a copy of The Black Sheep of yesteryear! Its thickness is ideal for holding over your head to keep dry; and since the so-called “reading material” it contains is virtually pointless, who really cares if the words all run together?

1.) Throw It Away: The Black Sheep brought to you by The State News promises to never publish predictable, run of the mill advice, but the absolute number one thing you can do with your old copy of The Black Sheep is to put it where it belongs—the recycling. Nobody wants to actually read that shit, and you certainly shouldn’t keep it around if it can be avoided.

Crumple it up into a ball and dunk that shit like you’re Michael Jordan. Job well done.

broey frisbee wrote this

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you feel about The State News taking over The Black Sheep?

“You can write down whatever you want.” - Clayton S., Senior

"Meh.” - Billy N., Sophomore

“Both newspapers contribute in their own ways. I’m not supportive of it.”

- Sarah S., Junior

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Why The Black Sheep Sucked at Swag enter meg wrote this The Black Sheep Brought to you by The State News is here, finally, to call your attention to some very distressing news. After the staff received heartbreaking correspondence from the Hamm’s Corporation that they now wish to sever ties with the former The Black Sheep as “official” sponsor, we took to the streets with our hard-hitting journalism and extensive investigation skills to find out what we could do better to appease our corporate sponsors and uphold The Black Sheep Brought to You By The State News’ mission of celibacy, sobriety, and decency.

After interviewing everyone on campus from that creepy fifth-year senior who still lives in the dorms to Lou Anna K herself, it was found that seven-and-a-half out of ten Spartans agreed that The Black Sheep’s former endeavor of giving out swag to its harem of fans flopped harder than Snoop Dogg’s attempt to get people to call him Snoop Lion.

The Black Sheep made promises they couldn’t keep, and the result was the Swag Shortage of 2013 that left millions without the basic necessity of a beer coozie to keep that Natty Ice more frigid than a constipated pregnant woman. Fear not, the casualties that resulted from swagstarved college students burning couches in the street and catapulting warm beers at The Black Sheep’s headquarters cannot be ignored by our new regime. The State News, unlike The Black Sheep, are people of action, accountability, and integrity. Plus we don’t make up drinking holidays, like Total Beer Diet, as an excuse to get out of work for four days.

Okay, we’ll admit it, The Black Sheep’s swag definitely had a sort of boyish innocence going for it, but other campus groups were figuratively giving it to them rough between their tender butt cheeks by charming students with free magnets, morning coffee at The Rock, and t-shirts as far as the eye can see. Research and development at the The Black Sheep’s sweatshop had been more disappointing than J-Lo’s performance in any film, but, don’t worry, The State News knows a thing or two about running sweatshops and exploiting cheap labor for “college credit.”

Gone are the days of The Black Sheep staff refusing to be roused from their hangovers from gluttony and sin. Today is the beginning of The State News captaining this sinking ship and

waking up to give out free coffee, smiles, and news before your 8 a.m.!

While the malevolent leaders at the corporate The Black Sheep office fancy themselves “poop joke aficionados” and spend their time on such japery, we here at The Black Sheep brought to you by The State News are committed to customer service as strongly as we abide by our Creed (not our code of ethics, just the universal teachings of Scott Stapp and company). We will not tolerate complaints such as one angered resident of Mary Mayo Hall complaining, “Uh, yeah…

I got this beer coozie jammed into a card envelope. I thought at first my six-year-old niece sent me something based on the handwriting on the outside and seven stamps plastered on.” Out with the old, in with The State News.

Readers, enjoy the new look of The Black Sheep Brought to you by The State News and enjoy the promptness and frequency of the aforementioned swag. Frankly, doing this makes us at The State News feel important, and we like feeling important (or is it impotent?). So, as the wise poet Oprah, proclaimed, “You get a beer coozie! You get a beer coozie! You get a beer coozie! Everyone gets a beer coozie!”

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Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

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Season Starts April 11th!

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THURS, 4/4

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb

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FRI, 4/5

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SAT, 4/6

Potter Park Zoo is here every Sunday!

CLOSED Bar Crawls, Please Call 517-332-2959 and let us know the details!

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MON, 4/8

Dollar Deal Days every Tuesday! $1 Hot Dogs, Sodas and Ice Cream Sandwiches

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TUES, 4/9

$1 Beers tomororw (4/11) at the Crosstown Showdown against MSU!

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WED, 4/10

MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers

11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

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page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Point/Counterpoint: Too Many Dicks or Not Enough?

Bannah Horland wrote this As your dominant college media conglomerate, The State News is in charge of debating the moral compass of our nation’s youth and the caliber of our diction. Does the former usage of words for the male genitalia in The Black Sheep represent a reflection of increased comfortableness with sexuality among our nation’s youth? Or does it highlight the blatantly poor quality and lack of affinity towards humor this publication embodied?

Point: Constant references to male genitalia while ignoring the feminine side of things is unfair to women and makes them feel excluded. It shows The Black Sheep is but a cog in a sexist society.

Counterpoint: We have all read the depraved things this paper has published about the male sex organ. It’s been wrapped in bacon, inserted in Kim Kardashian, and, perhaps most horrifyingly, whipped out in Rick’s. But the ability of our peers to discuss the penis openly and without fear should be applauded as a strong aspect of our generation. Maybe if he could have just been able to talk about his dick more in college, George Lucas wouldn’t have sold the Star Wars franchise.

Point: All of the published penis misadventures unfairly sexualize men and characterize them as only having one thing on their minds: nothing. Are we pigeonholing our male peers as destined to be chauvinistic and barbaric?

Counterpoint: You sound like everyone’s high school AP English teacher. This is college. If you can find one guy that is actually using more brain cells than blood vessels, congratulations, you found a James Madison student or an Evans Scholars.

Point: The Black Sheep’s former staff’s preoccupation with

the “disco stick” is evidence that not a single staff member has ever experienced the premarital lust of a lover.

Counterpoint: Would a bunch of “virgins” suggest bacon or the use of 1940’s terms of endearment as foreplay? Perhaps they would. But if these advanced sexual techniques inspired only one reader to divulge in their wildest dreams and enhance their love life, can we, as journalists, really be angry?

Point: The word “dick” was used in The Black Sheep over four thousand times this semester alone. This shows a total lack of literary discipline. It also shows that they’re unoriginal and can’t even think to watch an old Adam Sandler movie or simply use the Internet for some new synonyms. Frankly, I’m glad The State News have intervened and vowed to turn-around that trash rag of a paper.

Counterpoint: Synonyms for the word “dick” is not something that can be safely Googled. You would think that the writers would have kept a running cache of original ideas for ways of saying penis without saying penis, but no, they were too busy writing fake news articles, fantasizing about Lou Anna in a prom dress, and eating Greek yogurt.

Point: The majority of The Black Sheep’s readership was guys who pretended they were into comedy. The rest were the writers themselves. Shouldn’t The Black Sheep Brought to you by The State News take a new direction and try to attract more women by using less childish humor?

Counterpoint: There have been many articles tailored to female perspective. In fact, in the most basic sense, simply saying the word “dick” is a device geared toward heterosexual

females. Now, there are males with micro-phalluses who feel selfconscious reading about “dicks”—deservedly so. There are also females who prefer lady parts over dicks, yet I’m sure the phrase “dick” doesn’t offend them nearly as much as “John Boehner.”

Point: There are just too many dicks.

Counterpoint: Were there too many dicks on board when Washington crossed the Delaware? Probably. Were there too many hot, wig-wearing dicks in Independence Hall when they signed the Constitution? Most likely. Are there too many dicks earning way more than non-dicks for the same jobs in America today? Definitely.

Point: Then we’re in agreement, the over-abundance of dicks in this world is suffocating, so we say good riddance to bad rubbish and thank God The State News has stepped in and vowed to derail this runaway dick train.

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week Andrew g. applebee's Major: Mathematics Relationship Status: Single Bar pet peeve: Oreo shakes Favorite shot: I’m sober Most important issue at MSU: Parking What should Lou Anna K. Simon do about parking at MSU: Stop being greedy and lower prices of the meters.

How long did it take for you to learn the bar menu: About two weeks, the most difficult part was learning the complex fru-fru drinks How drunk is too drunk for you: When I can’t walk in a straight line

the drinking game: go drunken fish

What do you think is the most important issue involving drinking at MSU: Binge drinking for underage students How would you solve binge drinking: Have cops at every corner handing out MIP’s left and right What is the most potent alcohol you serve: Barcardi 151 How often do you serve it: Once a month What’s your position on FAFSA: I’m okay with it, no quandaries here.

How easy do you feel it is to do get a job in college: Pretty easy, especially if you have restaurant experience.

recipe for disaster:

mom’s homemade wasted pizza

While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.

You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.

What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka.

Number of Players: Four to six players.

Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.

What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.)

Cook Time: About 30 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine.

Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go.

- Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees).

- Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees.

- Spread the tomato sauce over the dough.

- Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more.

- Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts.

- Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.

How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table.

- Take one shot before the game begins.

- Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down.

- The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins!

- If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle.

- The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot.

- If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle.

- The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards.

The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

page 12

theblacksheeponline.com

Letter to TBS from a Westboro Baptist Garrison Rasmussen wrote this Dear The Black Sheep, Have you ever heard of the eternally burning pits of Hell? The vengeful Lord Jesus and I are so fed up with your publication; so fed up that we finally decided to stop rambling on about homosexuals and do something about this printed hive of unrepentant blasphemer literature.

Do you people find the moral degradation of our society funny? You heathen kids need to stop this barbaric behavior. Hangovers are no joke, it’s the Holy Spirit giving you the toughlove reminder your Satan-worshipping parents forgot to give you when they brought you into this world. Jokes are meant to be clean and funny: Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Jesus and his quarry of followers determined to vanquish this world of all the Dark Lord Satan’s woes. Jesus’ followers are legion, and we will prevail in the face of those who deny him, Christ our Lord.

And hangovers, periods of binge drinking, forgetting who you are, feeling light-headed, and having ANY sex that isn’t solely for bringing more of the Lord’s Army into this world are not what we’re here for. Man’s body isn’t programmed to drink and fornicate up to four times a week. If you ever are to become respected publicists like those future Pulitzer Prize winners of The State News (God bless their souls), you should be spending every Friday night hunkered down in a fort of books, newspaper clippings, and miserable sorrow -- not taking body shots off that sultry whore temptress from MKT 327.

Consumption of the Devil’s drink is never justifiable. Last week we crucified a Catholic on Good Friday because he chose to have a sip of wine at Mass. Those Catholics are one of the Lord’s most regular betrayers, evoking his name in vain as if he were little more than a manifestation of the Jewish-led media. What is the appeal in doing keg stands, withstanding constant bonging and shot-gunning of canned alcoholic evil, or inexplicably grinding your disease-ridden genitalia up on the nearest alcohol-soaked harlot at Richard’s All-American Café? Repent, for these actions do not guide a pure soul to the gates of Heaven.

The wasteful trash you call a bar grid will soon feel the terror of the Lord’s wrath. When we first arrived in Lansing to protest at Lansing Eastern, we were shocked by the filth found between your pulpy pages. Your bar grid suggests that there’s more dens of sin than there are tax collector money tables for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to flip over. When a student is not reading or studying, he should be not be filling his mind with visions of intoxicated whores shaking their wares wildly in public. Jesus died for your sins, son. Repent immediately.

There are multiple other problems I have with your publication, but I am a member of The Westboro Church, an organization staunchly against everything you stand for. I’m aware that your popularity continually grows day in and day out (especially considering that scoffing at your articles has become a weekly occurrence at our meetings), but I implore you to stop letting Satan manifest himself in your pages for the good of your souls and the souls of those who read your filth.

Say hello to Satan for us, Deeply Concerned

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

can you find all 20 sheep?

page 13

six degrees

1

of separation think you know how James Franco and Tara Reid are connected?

email us at classtime@theblacksheeponlne.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize! how cool is that?

2 3

4 5

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Mick Jagger

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