Michigan State - Issue 9 - 10/16/2014

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

Fre e! L ide ike or as f igin rom al c Buz ostu zFe me ed.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 9

BRADY HOKE FIRED

MOVES INTO VAN DOWN BY RED CEDAR Molly Burford wrote this Former University of Michigan head football coach Brady Hoke has recently been fired from his position due to his unsuccessful stint at the helm. Unemployed, he now resides in a bulky, dark blue Ford Econoline down by the Red Cedar River in East Lansing.

“Yeah, I saw this dude wearing what looked like wizard robes and a really unkempt Gandalf beard. At first I thought it was just a homeless guy, but then I realized he was was too fat to be a homeless guy. It was Brady Hoke!” exclaimed junior Bob Billington.

Indeed, since his departure from The Big House, Hoke has undergone a complete 180. The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to ask Hoke about his new way of life, since he doesn’t have anything better to do now anyway.

“You know, after spending so much time in Ann Arbor, the hippie lifestyle was always in the corner of my eye,” Hoke said. “When my team suddenly turned to shit, I decided to try it out.”

He gave an aloof smile. “Mushroom?” he added politely, extending his arm. Looking content and dazed, Hoke resumed sitting with his pet rocks: Haze and Boo. We tried to ask Haze and Boo for their take on the new Brady, but they declined to comment.

Besides taking on the hippie look, Hoke has also adopted some new philosophies. Hoke, who is actually literate, has been reading up on Buddhism and is often seen meditating.

“It’s really hard to turn your mind off and just be in the present,” Hoke explained. “Luckily I have Haze and Boo for guidance; they’re really good at sitting still and being quiet.” He continued to sit, patting his rocks lovingly.

Hoke has clearly been settling in nicely, but how have East Lansing residents and MSU students taken to Hoke? Despite his Ann Arbor roots, few have attempted to remind him of his shortcomings at Michigan.

“I mean, he’s clearly lost it,” said MSU senior Mary Smith. “Making fun of him would be like kicking a baby deer.”

However, PACE hasn’t been so kind. Since he isn’t technically in a parking spot, they’ve tried ticketing him a total of 66 times.

“That’s at least half a grand that guy owes us,” said an anonymous PACE officer. “I suppose it doesn’t matter much, though; all that money we ticket students for doesn’t do more for East Lansing or Lansing development anyway. We just like to assert our authority since we have no other control in our lives.”

So, besides chilling out by the Red Cedar, what else has Hoke been up to?

“Not much,” Hoke admitted. “I’m just trying to relax and take it easy. Those were some stressful times at Michigan. Bong hit?”

While we declined to toke up with the former Michigan football coach, we did decide to take him to HopCat for dinner, and then to IM West for a shower. It was the least we could do.

Since our interview, Hoke still resides in his van, but is now sporting a more clean-shaven look.

Apparently he’s also writing a novel called, I Can Drive a Van and a Team Into the Ground, and So Can You! It’s an inspirational, heartfelt piece.

Expect to see it in the Barnes & Noble sale section early next year.

PAGE 5

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PAGE 12-13

TOP 10: THOUGHTS WHEN YOU PASS THE PACKAGING BUILDING

EL POLICE RAID UNDERGROUND STUDENT-PROFESSOR FIGHT CLUB

WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?

GET IT? IT’S LIKE A VERY VAGUE DICK JOKE. AND WE MADE 1O OF THEM!

SANS THE SEXY BRAD PITT.

FOLLOW OUR FLOWCHART TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU OCTOBER 16th, 2014 - OCTOBER 23rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE CARPET CLEANER

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Four peyote caps later, the world had successfully cracked revenge on Miley Cyrus’ vocal cords.”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

MALAPOOPISM Accidentally or purposely shitting where one shan’t shit.

Bridget claimed her best malapoopism was the time she left a brown baked present in the trunk of an ex-lover’s Honda Accord.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Owner of Craft restaurants.

2

Made a cameo in season one of HBO’s Treme.

3

For a short time, ran a website, EatDrinkOrDie.com

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s the stupidest question you’ve ever asked someone?

JALEN “Do I put cookies in the oven?”

ALISON “How is your day?”

JOHN “Dude, where’s my shit?”

06

BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

THE TOP TEN Thoughts When You Pass the Packaging Building The Packaging Building is obviously a place of intellectual pursuits, but you can’t deny that your mind reverts to the “seventh-grade pervert” level of thinking every time you pass it on your walk down Wilson. We don’t know much about what goes on in that building, but we do know a thing or two about fitting our packages into the tightest possible boxes.

10.) “This is one college that I’ll donate to when I get older”: Nothing would satisfy forty-yearold you more than being able to tell your friends that you donated something special so that twenty-year-old college girls could study a package. It’s a little complicated compared to a classic dad joke, but it works.

Are You Salvageable This Semester?

MSU Staff Clown wrote this

For most of us, midterm exams have come and gone. For the sake of discussion, let’s assume you failed at least one of them. Depending on how many exams are left in that class, you could be royally screwed. The Black Sheep feels your pain, so we’ve decided to give you a quick guide as to whether you should take a long walk off a short cliff or just study a little harder.

4 EXAMS LEFT: Back off that cliff, son! This game isn’t over yet. With 4 exams left in the semester you have more than enough time (and remaining points) to turn this train wreck around.

Let’s hope this first exam was a wake-up call. You should go out and raise a glass to the fact you’re not DOA after the first month of classes. School is rough, and even the smallest success should be celebrated.

There’s nothing at all to worry about, amigo.

3 EXAMS LEFT: You’re not as safe as our friends with 4, but as far as chances to turn your shit around, things are pretty kosher. The next exams will be crucial, so cram hard, cheat hard, drink hard, whatever you’ve gotta do. With three exams left you’re in a

gray area. You need to do just enough to pass each exam, but if you overdo it then obviously you will miss out on Tuesday night parties, Wet Wednesday parties, Thirsty Thursday parties, pre-Saturday night parties, Saturday night keggers, and Sunday “End of the World” parties.

2 EXAMS LEFT: Take a deep breath, because this is gonna be rough. You’re up Shit Creek with a very short paddle. With only two exams left, you have gotta nail both of them to have any hope of getting out alive. Depending on how low your first score was (this shit ain’t golf, son, that’s bad) you may have to put in more work than you’re willing.

Generally we’d never advise this, but don’t dick around anymore!

1 EXAM LEFT: There’s no hope, compadre.

There may be no way to get your money back, but an incomplete is better than whatever abortion of a grade you have earned so far. Spartans are not taught to give up, but there is more honor in stepping out of the game than being taken out because you suck so badly. If worse comes to worst, when the professor is handing out the final, scream as loud as you can, pull the fire alarm, and begin break dancing like it was 1982 and Grandmaster Flash was the shit. Once the professor realizes you are psycho six ways from Sunday, you will be excused and sent for a quick psych eval. Be sure to fail this evaluation. Once it has been established that you’re so far gone, they will withdraw you from your classes without a grade!

Hopefully, you know how to handle the next few weeks of class whether it involves studying your dick off, or acting like you’re shitting your brains out. Anything is better than failing and having your GPA screaming for mercy. It might be a cliché and really lame, but in the words of Yoda, “Do or do not.

There is no try.”

9.) “I bet there’s bubble wrap in there”: Bubble wrap: not the only thing (but definitely the most appropriate thing) that you ever popped in middle school.

8.) “Always use a condom”: Since we’re in the business of covering packages, it’s important that your thirsty mind be sheathed in some sort of protection. The Black Sheep PSA of the day: Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

7.) “I’d give those girls a research requirement involving my package”: Generally it’s frowned upon to make such degrading and perverted comments. Despite this, it’s refreshing that you’re trying to help these determined young package-lovers satisfy their interests in package-based research.

6.) “I should probably brainstorm my porn name -- just in case”: Your middle name followed by the name of your street? Is that how it works? That’d make your name, what, Johnny Spartan?

Wait a second…

5.) “Have you heard the aerial view of this building is penis-shaped?”: The architects must have had a field day with that one. Additionally, they must have had really weirdly-shaped packages, because Google Earth says the building’s shaped like a square. Apparently this is one of those “seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see” situations. (Yes, we did just describe a penis shape using a quote from The Polar Express).

4.) “I hate cardboard”: Cardboard is the worst kind of material. Thanks a lot, Obama.

3.) “Fragile: handle with care”: When other people are handling your package, you best make sure they don’t get too excited and cause it to bust. If whatever you have in there gets out, they’re going to have a big mess on their hands. Literally.

2.) “It’s not about the size of the package, as long as you have a couple of packing peanuts, you can it fit it inside any box”: Mom always reassured you that size doesn’t matter and that’s kind of what we’re trying to tell you as well. We’re sure packaging majors can always fit things in the box neatly, but the rest of you are fine just jamming it in hard enough to allow for a satisfactory closing.

1.) “They make sure your meat stays fresh – even when it’s hot out”: The last thing you need is for your sausage to smell like it’s getting stale. Next time you see a packaging major, thank him or her for their hard work in keeping your package clean and ventilated until it’s ready to be eaten. While you’re at it, compliment them on their meat-packing skills and give them a little wink to really drive the compliment home.

Albert Maclin wrote this

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

Transformers in East Lansing: A Cylotron Government Victoria Martin wrote this What do you get when you mix lab coats, Japanese animation, and transmetal beings together? If you think we’re talking about the invention of robotic girlfriends, you’re completely wrong.

Matthew Beaker is a current employee at the Michigan State Cyclotron and is the first witness interviewed by The Black Sheep to officially describe what he believes to be an actual Transformer.

“You promise this will be anonymous right? They’ll probably take my lunch money if anyone finds out that I’m even mentioning Area 81,” Matt whispered hesitantly.

TBS: What can you tell us about Area 81?

Matt: When I was hired here three years ago, I worked with another student named Jenny. One day, while she was trying to find the circuit breaker box to the K1200 Sub-Basement, Jenny slipped behind the Area 81 gate and went down the stairs. I never saw her again, and my superiors now deny that they ever employed her..

TBS: What makes you think there is

a connection between the Cyclotron and a species of conscious, sentient robots from the planet Cybertron?

Matt: In another instance, while performing some routine maintenance on the S800-Spectrograph, I noticed a symbol engraved into a piece of the metal that was really out of the ordinary.

It kind of looked like a Decepticon emblem. When I casually mentioned it to my boss, he quickly denied it was ever there. The next day I snuck back to where I saw it, but the symbol was gone.

TBS: What else have you seen?

Matt: Well there was another time when I was pulling a late-night shift. I decided to do some snoopin’. I jimmied my way through a door that had like 89 locks on it. I don’t know how I did it, but I did. It was completely dark inside, but I swear I saw a pair of red eyes. They stared at me, never blinking, but always judging – it was like I’d walked into an Abercrombie store. I walked towards the eyes, but then I blacked out -- next thing I know I’m belly down in a booth at Rick’s.

TBS: Oh my god.

Matt: I also heard a lot of strange noises coming from the Ion Source area one

time, which I have never been allowed to enter. Not regular machinery noises, but something like you’d hear in War of the Worlds or some crazy shit like that.

TBS: This could all just be a coincidence, you know. Maybe this is an insane nerd web of lies that you’ve convinced yourself is true.

Matt: That’s what I thought too, but there are just too many similarities. One of my supervisors is completely emotionless, almost like he’s a robot. No smiles, laughing, frustration, nothing.

TBS: Maybe he’s just… an engineering major?

Matt: That’s possible, actually. But another one of the higher-ups in the building drives a yellow Chevy Camaro, and we have this huge blue and red truck that makes “deliveries” to the Cyclotron everyday. I’ve never been allowed to unload the deliveries, or even come close to the loading dock when it arrives.

TBS: Please stop sweating. Matt, if what you saw was indeed a Transformer, why would they be hiding this?

Matt: Personally, I think they are building

an army of Transformers that will ruin everything and take over the world — starting with our campus.

TBS: But – first of all can you seriously stop sweating? Why would they even do this? Where’s the motive?

Matt: I think they made these robots in order to block the Wi-Fi signal and drink all the shitty beer: two sure-fire ways to destroy a college campus and its surroundings. Hey did you just see that?

In the window? It kind of looked like my

boss. What’s he doing out of the lab?

TBS: I’ll ask the questions here. Sit down.

Matt: I, uh, I must go.

A week after the interview, we called up Matt for a few follow up questions.

His phone number was disabled and, according to the employees of the Cyclotron, there was never a Matthew Beaker who worked there in the first place.

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Halie Woody wrote this

Four professors and almost a dozen students are in custody after East Lansing police raided a supposed “fight club” ring in the basement of the Broad Art Museum.

“Professor Walters said I could show up here for an extra credit assignment,” student Jeff Peters, recently released on bond, noted. “I bombed my first Trig 4 exam and I needed all the help I could get. I walked in and he’s just, like, shirtless and sweaty and I was ready to suck his dick I guess, but then this other student came out of the shadows and socked him right in the mouth. Blood got all over me, but it was a little better than that other option.”

East Lansing police received a call around 10 p.m. Sunday night from 23-year-old MSU student Tommy Smith. Smith said he saw 3 of his own professors sneak into the building while one of them stood by the door letting in what appeared to be students.

“I saw not one, but three of my own

professors enter the building. They looked sweaty and up to no good, “ said Smith, “when I saw a former classmate of mine enter the building along with the other students I felt it was my duty to call the police.”

Police entered the building to find nothing out of the ordinary until they got to the basement. When the doors opened they saw a blood bath.

Professors and students were violently attacking each other. Limbs were being cracked left and right. There were several toes, dozens of bloody teeth, and an eyeball on the ground.

“Ambitious students looking to earn a 4.0 have to knock a professor out cold.”

“It was a complete shit-storm in turd town,” said ELPD Officer Moore. “It

was like a zoo full of angry, uncivilized baboons on a mission to make the dean’s list by beating the crap out of their instructors. These people need Jesus.”

The ELPD began making arrests shortly after the shock wore off. “It was a challenging task because adrenaline was high,” Moore whispered, staring into the distance. “We couldn’t tame these rabid students and teachers, they weren’t going down without a fight. One student even bit his chemistry professor’s ear off.”

“It’s my senior year and I have to pass this class to graduate,” said student Gary Clark. “He told me if I want to pass I better not go easy on him, so naturally I went for his ear and bit that fucker off.”

“The students were told that the more severely they could injure their professor the higher the grade they would receive,” said Officer Moore. “I haven’t seen anything this ungodly in all my years as an officer.”

earned a 1.5 or 2.0 GPA, depending on how strong it was. Stomach shots earned students anywhere from a 2.5 to a 3.0 in the class, the more internal bleeding the higher the grade. Anything from the neck up would merit a 3.5. Ambitious students looking to earn a 4.0 have to knock a professor out cold.

Students were told blows below the belt

“As of now, we have about 30 students in

custody,” said Moore, “all of the teachers involved are on their way to the hospital.

These students were brutal… They were all going for 4.0s…The savages...”

Students and teachers involved in the scandal will meet for a court trial next Monday. There is no answer whether the teachers and students will be able to stay at the university.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

East Lansing Police Raid Underground StudentProfessor Fight Club

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Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off

Game Day Specials: During Lions/MSU/Wings/Tigers $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates

Thursday 10/16

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Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Friday 10/17

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Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

Saturday 10/18

Open @ 10! $3 Pints, Fireball, Kamikazes & Washington Apple Shots EDM DJs til Close

$2 Tailgate Specials MSU Home Football Games ‘til kickoff 3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)

Open for Lunch! SundayWednesday 11:30am-Midnight Thursday-Saturday 11:30am-2am

Sunday 10/19

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close

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Monday 10/20

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

HALF OFF Pints & Pitchers $5 Burger & Beer

Tuesday 10/21

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

Sporcle Live Trivia!

7-8pm and 8-9pm $1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

TWO DOLLAR TUESDAY $2 Drinks, Pints & Bottle Beers, Better Than 1/2 Off Anywhere Else, NO COVER

Wednesday 10/22

Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY! Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt

Ladies Night 4-11pm; $3 glass/$9 bottle of wine, 1/2 off apps for ladies | Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

HALF OFF WEDNESDAY!

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Thursday 10/23

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

HAPPY HOUR 4–7 HALF OFF APPS & PINTS HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10

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MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

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Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

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BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier (Colorado) $5

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider $2 Wells (6-11PM) (Massachusetts)

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% $2 Wells (6-11PM) hefeweizen (Germany) $5

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells,

BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 $3 MicrobrewJAGER Shorts $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $5 and Brew 7 PATRON $3.50 Beef Schawarma SandBurger Special! wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Happy Hour 3-7

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Fireball, Bacardi MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, $6 Chicken Schawarma

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Friday 10/17

Craft HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5

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Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/ Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

COCKTAILS

MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3

Thursday 10/16

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

$3 Blue Moon Shorts $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, Royal, Apple WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown $4 Captain Morgan $3 $2 Washington Apple Shots, Schapps, Cranberry 5 Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger $3 Johnny Vegas CIROC BOMB - 6 Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Happy Hour 3-7

FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5

Saturday 10/18

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,

MOJITO -Bacardi juice, mint leaves, MASTER $3 Rum, 16oz,lime Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda $6 7 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite the rocks 6 $5 OffonKabob Combos For Two Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Sunday 10/19

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER

$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

SPECIAL NIGHT

JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots

SHOTS

Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long Specials Run Monday (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts Watermelon Schnapps, 5 JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Sunday All DayRed&Bull, Night!

Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American (2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks

BEER BOTTLES

BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3

Premium/

lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 $5 Bud Light, Coors Light Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored$2.50 Vodka,orange Martinis, Glasses of House and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Happy Hour 3 - 7

Falafurger Combo

Monday 10/20

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8

$3- Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles Grey Goose, dry MARTINI ON THE ROCKS and 8Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel

$3 Angry Orchard Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6Mai Tai's, WHISKEY SOUR - CrownWines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Happy Hour All Day! $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, 7 $3 Off Select Appetizers

ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

Tuesday 10/21

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian

MARTINIS

Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $2.75 Corona, Corona Light $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, and Dos Equis $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our GUMMY BEAR Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, Mediterranean Wines,splash $2.49 Falafel Happy Hour 3-7 of sour and sprite 7

Wednesday 10/22

Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$3 Microbrew Shorts Burger and Brew Special!

Happy Hour 3-7

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT

Thursday 10/23

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

One of our most trusted sources in Greek Life has told us about the man, the myth, and the bro who just won’t quit—Brad (last name redacted), the king of all things Big. Literally, figuratively, this kid is a mammoth, in more ways than one. Big Brad is a brother at Zeta Beta Feta. The only thing missing was his big brother—not literal big brother, his frat brother.

Brad’s big was never really around—he wasn’t really ZBF material. So Brad made it his mission to be the best brother he could be to a Fall ‘14. Big Brad wanted to be the perfect big, and he’s been planning how to win over his little bro since day one. Sure, it’s kind of creepy, maybe a little weird. Actually, very weird. But ZBF was the best thing to ever happen to Brad; all Brad wanted was to make his little’s experience with ZBF the best in the world.

Big Brad’s

Big Little Date Claire Stark wrote this

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“Brad’s been planning for his little for quite a long time,” said a brother of ZBF. “It’s kind of creepy. Like, he barely knows the kid and he’s going crazy. He’s been crafting…like, bro. No one needs a Chevron beer koozie.”

Big Brad has been assigned his little brother, Little Jimmy. Little Jimmy is just the type of little Brad wants—cool, smart, and obviously the best. How couldn’t he be the best? When Little Jimmy chose ZBF Brad was going to make sure that Jimmy had the best four years of his life.

“I found out that Big Brad was going to be my big brother,” Jimmy told our source. “At

first, I was cool with it, but things started to get really weird really fast. I never knew the truth about Brad or why people would laugh when I told them.

Then, one day I came home from class to a basket of Sports Illustrated, beer, a ZBF fanny pack, and an Aztec print paddle with my initials on it. The next day, Brad texted me that he was going to take me to get Los Tres Amigos. I would’ve said no, but I’m in no position to turn down free guac. He picked me up and it all kind of went downhill from there.”

Big Brad took Little Jimmy to Los Tres and planned on wining and dining him on burritos and fishbowls. He wanted to show Jimmy that he could be fun, and obviously was going to be there for him in thick and thin. Whenever Jimmy had lady problems, Brad wanted him to be able to share his issues. If he was slacking in school, Brad could easily get a nerd to do Jimmy’s homework. If Jimmy needed a condom, a half gal, or a shoulder to cry on, Brad would be by his side. And over chips and salsa, Brad let Jimmy know.

“Brad thinks he really won over Jimmy,” said his unnamed brother. “I don’t think Brad realizes that Big/Little is way different for frats than sororities. I mean, Jimmy just happened to get Brad. Poor son of a bitch.”

When asked how his relationship with Brad was going, Jimmy smiled, but his eyes spoke fear. “Uh, he’s okay. As long as he stops squatting and making me take pictures on his back, I think we’ll be cool.”

BARTENDER of the WEEK CLAIRE of THE RIV

Relationship Status: Single • Major: Hospitality business Favorite Drink: Vodka and water • Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Beer In your experience, what nonalcoholic drink is the worst mixer?: Gatorade, because it doesn’t cover up anything.

The most overrated brand of beer/wine/liquor is what?: Fireball Where’s the best place to hide in The Riv?: DJ Booth What Halloween costume could you make with only what you have in your pockets or purse/bag?: A bartender.

What do you think will be this year’s most overdone Halloween costume, and why?: Elsa from Frozen.

Have you ever wondered if love has a first name?: Nope.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It seems pretty funny.

THE DRINKING GAME PIN THE TAIL ON THE RA

RECIPE FOR DISASTER SUGAR-COATED CAVITY FILLING

It’s been a few months since you moved into your new dorm and you’re understandably tired of hearing shit from your RA about not “getting blacked out in the halls” or “puking in the water fountain instead of the toilet.” Whatever. It’s time to show the boss who’s boss. Follow these rules and you’ll successfully pin the tail on your RA.

Hey, you little three–year-old, you still have to go to the dentist? You still have to get fillings? Did you have too much candy this weekend? Maybe next time let your babysitter know your limitations. Or grow up and stop eating three pounds of Sour Patch Kids every week, you’re 20 years old for crissake. It’s time to move on to red meat and salads.

What You’ll Need: A pin, a piece of paper that says “ASSHOLE,” and enough speed to run away from a nerd who’s still a RA. Number of Players: You and an unsuspecting loser.

Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to stab your RA in the ass with a pin.

What You’ll Need: The maturity of a kindergartener, about $1.59 cents at a gas station, a lack of self-pride and an abundance of self-indulgence.

Fatty Factor: The weight you’ll gain in fat you’ll lose in missing teeth, don’t worry about it.

How to Play: - Hold a grudge for a notice you were given weeks ago for peeing in your neighbor’s fridge.

- Don’t pee for an entire week.

- Finally release your urine on your RA’s doorstep as a warning shot.

- When you’re done hosing down your RA’s door, knock and hide next to the entrance while giggling.

- Wait for your RA to open the door, slip and fall face-first into your golden pond.

- When the RA is face-down, ass-up, pin the piece of paper that reads, “ASSHOLE” into the RA’s butt.

- #GTFO and RUN. The Game Ends When: You don’t wake up to a notice on your door and think the operation was a success, turn the corner and find two police officers waiting to bring you to the station.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Let’s Get Baked: - Instead of accepting an invitation from a friend to go out to the bars, stay indoors and eat four bags of popcorn.

- Once you realize you’ll need something sweet to balance out all that salt, gather your quarters and go to the store for some candy.

- Take one pound of Twizzlers, three cups of gummy bears and a 48 oz. sack of Sour Patch Kids and mix them in a bowl.

- Grab a spoon and dig in (whipped cream on top is optional but recommended).

- When you feel a sharp pain and hear a loud pop in your mouth, ignore it and continue eating.

- Fall asleep with the spoon in your mouth and an empty bowl on your stomach.

- Wake up to the feeling of not being able to breathe, discover you’re choking.

- Cough up one of the fillings you received last week, throw away and continue eating like the proud fourth-grader you’ve set out to be.

Sure, you’re probably going to die at the age of 24 with clogged veins and a sugar headache so bad your eyes begin oozing glucose, but my god, death and social disgrace has never tasted so good.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?

If you’re seeing your dorm covered in spider webs, with a multitude of carved pumpkins, and an occasional exorcism happening at your local Catholic church, then it must be Halloween. And because it’s Halloween it must mean there are sorority and fraternity parties or house parties that you’ll be attending. There will be some awesome parties full of orange Jell-O shots and slutty costumes, and then there will be those parties that have bobbing for apples and the Halloweentown series playing in the corner. Now, one party may sound better than the other. The Black Sheep is here to help you determine which kind of party you’re attending. Enjoy whatever party you choose. PS: We hope you win the costume contest.

PAGE 14 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

STREAMING for CONFIDENCE Garrison Rasmussen wrote this

Since the semester started, life was going swimmingly for Matt Williams, freshman at MSU. The first football game proved positive enough as he failed to recollect most events before the game even happened, although he distinctly remembered a 30-second keg stand of Natty Ice. ‘Twas a great start to his yearly quota of getting shit-faced every Friday evening for the semester, a goal most freshmen aspire to.

As he wandered from the stadium to Conrad’s after that first game, all proved tragic, and life wouldn’t be the same. Normally, traveling to Conrad’s would be a celebratory occasion regardless of the circumstance, but after he got his tots, he tragically dropped them on the sidewalk outside of Rick’s. There would be no hope for salvation for the precious tots, as they were soon trodden on by white girls stumbling in their heels.

Two days later, Williams’ bad luck continued.

Matt had been to a party that Thursday evening and proceeded to crash in a bush, as he was known to do. Perhaps it was his good fortune that he passed out under a bush as it rained that evening; however, he overslept and missed his Spanish exam that next morning. Receiving a 0 on his exam pushed his grade below a 2.0, and a letter was quickly sent to his parents. He was soon subject to derision and ridicule courtesy of his mother.

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It was a cold, rainy Friday evening as Matt Williams stood at the urinal at the Union, gearing up for the football game the next day, coping with all the troubles that had occurred to him in the past few weeks. “What ever will I do?” asked Matt to the wall, gaining some weird looks in the process.

Questioning life distracted Matt, and soon he

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couldn’t even confidently create a satisfactory stream flowing onto the urinal cake below. “Of all the tragedies in the world, this is the worst,” lamented Matt as he blankly stared at the wall.

When his disposition was at its darkest, an angelic being was sent to his aid.

“It’s okay, son,” said the heavenly figure, as he placed a caring hand on Matt’s shoulder, “you will be the one. Be resilient and find the inches.

You’ll find your identity out there. Believe.” As the deity was standing at the next urinal, Matt’s focus returned, and he saw that his savior was none other than local hero, coach, and all-time badass, Mark Dantonio.

“Oh my—holy sh—I…crap! Coach!” exclaimed Matt. “Thanks. Thank you so much! I needed this, for sure. You’re—you’re clearly one of the greatest beings to have ever walked the Earth, but why would you put your faith in me?!”

But Coach Dantonio had already done his work.

As a sly grin formed on his face, Dantonio merely nodded, shook thrice, and confidently stated, “It starts here.” And like that, he walked from the urinal and out the door, onto his next heroic moment, most likely concocting a strategy for the Wolverines’ ongoing implosion.

Matt watched Mark walk out, as his stream flowed healthily onto the urinal cake. His confidence restored, Matt knew that it was his time to shine, and followed his glowing conversation with Coach Dantonio by walking to the nearest liquor store, and buying a fifth of their most expensive spirit.

“I will be the one, to down this Everclear tonight,” confidently stated Mark, then taking a hearty swig from the bottle, on to his next party and impending evening of fun.

The only relevant shirts for football season

FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY - RICH HOMIE D

comes with a FREE Koozie! - blacksheepswag.com

CLASSTIME

the WEEKEND BACK HOME madlib

CLUE BANK 1) Campus street 2) Required class 3) Body part 4) Blow-off class 5) Luxury car 6) Hometown 7) Your high school’s mascot 8) Heavy metal artist 9) High school stoner friend 10) Weed slang 11) Your old weed-smoking spot 12) Number 13) Cheap beer 14) Old munchies spot 15) Old female acquaintance 16) Basic cable channel 17) Type of dog 18) Kid cereal 19) Slutty girl 20) Pop star 21) Bro-y bro 22) Shitty beer 23) Even shittier EDM artist 24) College town

After all the parties on ___1___ and the constant attention from the dude in my ___2___ class and the T.A. with the big ___3___ in my ___4___ class, I just needed to get away for awhile. So I borrowed my roommates ___5___ and headed back home to ___6___, to see what the young ___7___ are up to and sleep in a real bed.

But when I got home, my room had been turned into something out of a ___8___-music video, and I quickly shut the door. I instantly hit-up ___9___, my old friend who I knew would have some dank ___10___ that I so suddenly needed. We met up at ___11___ and everything felt like I had never left. I told him/her about college, how I’ve drank ___12___ of flavors of Burnett’s so far and that I’ve realized ___13___ is my favorite of all shitty beers. Then, per tradition, we went to ___14___ and laughed about how we couldn’t tell if ___15___ was fat or pregnant.

The next morning I woke up on the couch, with the local ___16___ news on, and my parent’s new ___17___ puppy taking a poo on the floor. I looked over and all my clothes - dirty or not - were cleaned and folded on top of my bag.

I walked over to the kitchen to grab a box of ___18___ and to make a pot of coffee, which I noticed was already made. God, parents are so adult-like. I sat down and sighed at how pleasant and relaxing it was to be at home, without ___19___ on the 2nd floor screaming ___20___ lyrics at 4 a.m., or without ___21___ down the hall pounding on my door to shotgun ___22___s to ___23___ before we hit up a frat party.

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But I knew it was time to head back to ___24___ when I heard strange noises from inside my old bedroom. That’s when I noticed 50 Shades of Grey on the kitchen counter and thought, “Isn’t that book so two-years ago, anyway?” and remembered why I hated my antiquated town. I gathered up my clean clothes, wrote my parents a note expressing how glad I was they were enjoying being empty-nesters, and hit the open road.

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close to campus + free CATA bus pass + private bedrooms + private bathrooms available + fully furnished wi-fi hotspots + game room with billiards + 24-hr fitness center + 24-hr computer center + swimming pool & sun deck basketball & sand volleyball courts + free tanning + coffee bar + internet & extended cable with HBO included

2501 Abbot Rd • 517.324.9880 Amenities & utilities included are subject to change. See office for details.