Volume 11
The Black Sheep
BUD FREE DY ! LIK FIN E W ALL HEN YB A I L YO U R S YO UO UT.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
IT’S HOMECOMING, AND YOU JUST BOUGHT
A ROOT BEER KEG...NOW WHAT?! Albert Maclin wrote this
Homecoming Weekend calls for more than mediocrity for a student at Michigan State. The green light bulb giveaways and free ice cream at The Rock help add a thrill to the festivities, but we have deeper needs that must be met in order to keep us satisfied. The most important of these needs, obviously, is beer. Based on extensive beer-related surveys and statistics, The Black Sheep has recently concluded that the source of all pleasure in life is, in fact, the keg. Whether your keg’s full of Bud Light or Blue Moon, your homecoming weekend is taking an extreme shift towards the better. But what if you stop by the Big Ten Party Store and accidentally grab the keg reserved for Shaw Hall’s Homecoming Responsibility Hoedown? What if, when you tap that titillating tin tankard, you see sweet, syrupy root beer instead of the Keystone foam you’ve grown to love? Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has some solutions. Option One: Add Good Alcohol: When you see soda, there are two different attitudes you can have. That keg is either full of disappointment, or full of prime chaser. If you have the right mindset, all you have to do is grab a fifth or two of vanilla vodka, serve up some cold, root beer-esque alcoholic beverages, and prepare yourself for a special episode of Girls Gone Wild: Horny Homecoming Hotties to go down in your own home. Option Two: Add Not-So-Good Alcohol: You’ve looked around the house, and
inventory yields a 30-rack of Hamm’s, two boxes of Franzia, and an unidentified brand of cheap tequila in an old water bottle that’s been in your extra backpack since freshman year. Regular root beer isn’t going to get an average-looking person like you laid tonight, though. You’re not even on Homecoming Court, you peasant. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this situation is calling for some unconventional root beer-y jungle juice. Mix it all, and have no regrets. Don’t ask questions, just close your eyes and believe. Option Three: Just Go With It: If mixing alcohol into this thing is too complicated for you, you can always just enjoy what you’ve got. It’s not getting you intoxicated, but root beer is damn good. Keep in mind that if you don’t say anything, there’s a chance that people won’t even notice that it isn’t alcohol. Imagine the entertainment you’d get seeing your friends stumbling around “wasted” when you know that the only thing they’ve actually consumed is about 1,200 calories worth of processed sugar. Option Four: Head Straight to the Bar: Beer is beer. Root beer is not beer. You need beer, and therefore you’re just not at the right spot. Your priority should be to get to the nearest bar, where alcohol and horny, drunk people are found aplenty. Check out The Black Sheep’s Bar Grid for your plethora of bar options and their drink specials for the week. Another plus: you have a whole keg of root beer that’ll make you the coolest kid at the
Homecoming Parade tomorrow. Option Five: Sell It To A Freshman: The young’uns on campus are salivating over the chance to go to a party that isn’t their parents’ tailgate, and the idea of having a real keg is just too much for their rebellious souls to handle. Take a stroll through the second floor of SnyderPhillips until you find a group that’s
itching to get wild celebrating their first Homecoming in EL. It doesn’t matter if you tell them the keg contains root beer either, because it’s a keg, and the concept here is more important than the content. The best part is you’re technically not selling alcohol to a minor, so it’s probably not even illegal. Homecoming is always full of ups and
downs, but you know that even if a group of the un-MILFiest moms crashes your tailgate, a silver lining can always be found. Whether your keg is filled with Coke or Coors, you can look to the scoreboard and remember that you’re lucky enough to not be a Wyoming Cowboy. Have a great Homecoming, Spartans, and remember to make, uh, somewhat responsible choices.
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SPARTY’S JOURNAL: HOMECOMING VIGILANTE
A DRUNK WHITE GIRL’S JOURNEY TO CONRAD’S
ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME
HE’S WATCH THIS CAMPUS FALL VICTIM TO CHUMPS LONG ENOUGH.
SHE JUST HASN’T HAD HER FILL OF RANCH TODAY.
WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.
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SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 2nd, 2014
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