The Black Sheep
FRE FRI E... LI DAY KE H .W H O O W YO WA N TS U A R E TO P THIS A RT Y?
Vol. 10, Issue 6
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/13/14 - 2/19/14
A VALENTINES DAY MESSAGE
FROM BRUCE THE HORSE COP, HORSE TOM WHITE WROTE THIS
Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse, here, citizens. How’s spring semester coming along, pals? Fred, are you doing well in your biology class? Ha, I bet! Well, keep at it, guy. And Charlie, I know organic chemistry can be tricky but keep your chin up, slugger. You know, I never thought I would say it, humans, but I miss seeing your drunken, rosy faces stumbling around on Saturday mornings for football games. I miss you bellowing hate speeches at anyone not in MSU gear, your “Holy shit! It’s a horse!” comments. Hell, I even miss the scabby, vagrant fingers of the co-op kids petting my face because they’re too high to tailgate. Just kidding. You can always count on Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse for three things: bringing the pain, top-notch horse puns, and the enforcing an absolutely zero tolerance, “no undergrad nonsense” policy. I do all of these things and more at a very relaxed trot, because there ain’t no sense in getting all worked up over the shit you kids think is “cool” and “acceptable.” And with Saint Valentine’s Day coming up, I’m back to remind you all that ole’ Brucey and Officer Jones are back in the saddle again — nailed it — and looking to bust some ass. So while you chumps are shacking up, getting all hot and heavy with foreplay, or dressing up as Wizard Mickey Mouse then quizzing each other on how to spell words while reaching your climax and venturing into opposite dark corners to flick your respective beans or franks while maintaining sultry eye contact, just know you better keep that behind closed doors and off my streets. I will not stand for the likes of you trying to get it on in the bushes. It’s cold out, and as much as my bitter horse heart would love to see you suffer frostbite on your naughty bits, it’s against everything I stand for to allow you grimy creatures to expose yourself in public. It’s nasty, upsetting, and trust me, you don’t want anyone comparing your shriveled up ginger root to Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse’s cock. In fact, the only thing I dislike more than not being able to bite those douche-kings mincing around campus with their floppy-tongued Timberland boots and Beats by Dre that scream shitty electronic music that sounds like a toaster filled with pennies crashing down a mountain of tin foil, is P.D.A. Why would you deem it appropriate to get funky where everyone can see you? You humans have no self-respect, and it’s
repulsive. Just the idea of your weird, soft bodies tangling together in some dark alley corner is enough to make me say neighhh and horsevomit into the nearest available freshman’s North Face. So, you so-called “Spartans,” let this be your warning, the Captain of Clam Blocking, the Magistrate of Mood Kill, the Admiral of Ass
Prevention, Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse, is looking for you. I’ll be out there stopping more people from getting laid than dirty buttholes do, because when I go after something, I mean business. Saddle up, Officer Jones; it’s going to be a bumpy ride of busting horny chumps before you can even say, “bust a nut.” Happy Valentine’s Day, you pack of hated hooligans. Better watch your back.
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TOP 10: MOVES TO NOT WATCH ON VALENTINE’S DAY
HOW TO TAKE YOUR BEST ASS PICTURE
THE INNER MONOLOGUE OF CUPID
STAY AWAY FROM THESE FILMS TO KEEP YOUKNOW-WHO HAPPY AND HORNY.
TAKE OUR ADVICE FROM A GIRL KNOWN ON THE INTERNET AS ‘MAKEYOUWOODY.’
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com
CUPID: GREAT AT SHOOTING ARROWS, EVEN GREATER AT SHOOTING DOWN DREAMS.