Volume 11
The Black Sheep
SHO FREE! T AT LIKE THE A M END ELT Y OF JELL A TA -O ILG ATE .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
CAMPUS WIDE EPIDEMIC:
Waiting for the CATA Bus Will Literally Kill You Katelyn Hallup wrote this Tragedy has stricken campus, students have been dropping like flies and MSU is in total disarray! Why, you ask? The CATA bus system. Your day could start as any other. You wake up—flawless—and head down to catch the CATA bus. You love riding the bus, it’s so convenient, and you have total faith in the bus system. If there’s one thing you know for sure in life, it’s that this bus will be here on time. God bless CATA and God freakin’ bless America. You’ve been waiting for a while, not that long. Maybe about 10 minutes. Out of pure boredom you start reading the bus information that is displayed at the bus stop. Ah, yup. A bus comes every 7-10 minutes yup yup, yupperino; It should be here soon! It’s been 15 minutes... the bus driver must be running late. No worries, we all have those days man, he can take his time! You still have a little while before your class starts anyway. OKAY WHERE’S THE BUS. THIS IS NO LONGER A F****ING JOKE, MY CLASS STARTS IN 10 MINUTES, I AM NOT F***ING AROUND, A CATA BUS DRIVER BETTER SHOW UP HERE AND CARRY ME ON HIS SHOULDERS TO CLASS BECAUSE THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT. Maybe you should just walk. Hah, yeah, ever think of that one? Your class is like a half mile away you should totally just walk you big dummy, what are ya even thinking, just do it. Come on let’s go. But... what if the bus comes right after you leave? You would much rather ride the bus. And now you’ve been waiting for so long that you feel weak, dehydrated... You can’t walk in this condition, YOU NEED THE BUS. You start to feel like you can’t breathe... like a fish who’s been tossed from the water onto the dry, hot pavement of a bus stop. You’re lightheaded and begin to hallucinate. Visions of the CATA bus haunt you, tormenting you. Every large, white car you see fills you with hope that the bus is finally here! And it never is.
Shriveled up on the sidewalk, barely able to breathe, you gasp out the words, “WHY, CATA? WHYYY?” These will be your last words. You close your eyes and see the light approaching. This is it. You’re dying. Goodbye Mom, goodbye MSU, goodbye leftover Chinese food you had waiting in the fridge. It’s over. The light gets closer and closer and you have accepted your fate. You are ready to die at the hands of CATA. The last thing you see before you kick the bucket is the 33 pulling up to the bus stop, but alas it is too late. U ded.
This tragic story is all too common. A record number of students have reported “literally dying” while waiting for the CATA bus. Can you imagine the pain of waiting at a bus stop for 15, 20-- even 25 minutes. THE HORROR. Do more to protect yourself. Be alert, memorize the bus schedules in your area and you could save a life!
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LADY SPARTAN’S GAMEDAY WALK OF SHAME
WELLS HALL PREACHER DECLARES WAR ON PROFESSOR
IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US, RIGHT?
SHIT IS STARTING TO GET VERY, VERY REAL.
You start to hear voices in your head, “STOP REQUESTED” “NEXT STOP, OLDS HALL AND THE MSU LIBRARY” “PLEASE EXIT FROM THE REAR DOOR” It’s all too much and you fall to the sidewalk in a crumpled heap.
If you’d like to donate to the “OMG I Literally Died and Was 5 Minutes Late for Class” awareness fund, contact us at: theblacksheeponline.com
THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT UP AND SHUT UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU SEPTEMBER 18th, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM