Michigan State - Issue 3 - 9/4/2014

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

FR COU EE! LI SIN KE Y ’S B OUR UDD RO Y’S OMM NEW AT ALB E’S UM .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 3

The Fratelorette Comes to MSU Molly Burford wrote this The Fratelorette, a new reality show spreading to college campuses across the country, is now coming to Michigan State University.

“The show’s premise is to find the ultimate sorority girl who will be the desire of all the fraternities on campus. The winner will get to attend her formal,” said the show’s producer Mr. Toni Baxter, a former fraternity brother of Phi Beta Bro. Auditions for the show were held last week, but they weren’t your typical reality show auditions. In order to make the show as legitimate as possible, producers of The Fratelorette had sorority girls who were interested compete in a series of challenges to determine who would be the show’s first star.

“We actually had quite a successful turnout. We had around 200 sorority sisters from different chapters show up at Munn Field to participate in

multiple contests, all Greek-themed,” said Baxter.

And what kind of contests did they do? We interviewed sorority sister Jessica Smith from Zeta house to find out.

“Some of them were really hard. One thing we had to do was the ‘Sorority Squat Challenge,’ where we were timed on who could do that pose we all do in pictures the longest. We also had to go a week without yoga pants, which was probably the hardest. I only made it through three days,” said Smith.

Another Zeta sorority sister, Stephanie Ford, told us about her experience trying out for the show.

“I won the ‘Walk of Shame Strut,’ which basically each of us had to see who could get from one frat house to a sorority house in the fastest

amount of time, while wearing stilettos. My time was 6:36. I do this a lot, so it wasn’t anything too difficult for me.”

While Ford won the “Walk of Shame Strut,” the winner and first Fratelorette, Alyssa HigginStook home the Greek crown.

“I won four out of the five challenges. I can’t wait to be Michigan State’s first Fratelorette!” Higgins told us proudly.

The other activities included a gyro eating contest (Higgins ate ten) and a Greek word recognition game.

The show will be run in a similar manner to the popular dating show The Bachelorette, but there are a few key differences.

“Instead of Higgins giving the boys roses, she’ll be giving them Natty Ices, which they will have to shotgun in order to accept their continuation. And instead of the Fantasy Suite, they’ll have to stay at Motel 8, because that’s all our budget allotted for that.”

Who will host the show? According to inside sources, football coach Mark Dantonio was asked, but he declined, citing better things to do.

“I don’t have time for that shit,” Dantonio said. “I have a Rose Bowlwinning football team to run!”

Instead of Dantonio, the producers were able to convince East Lansing’s own Willie the Can Man to host the show.

“I’m very excited to help out! They’re giving me a dumpster full of cans to thank me!” Willie said happily.

So, what boys will be pining for Higgins? Each Michigan State fraternity can nominate one brother to participate on the show.

“I’m really excited to see what boys will turn up. I hope they’re cute!” said Higgins.

The Fratelorette will air in October of this year and will kick off at Sigma Kappa house, where Higgins lives.

“I WON THE ‘WALK OF SHAME STRUT,’ WHICH BASICALLY EACH OF US HAD TO SEE WHO COULD GET FROM ONE FRAT HOUSE TO A SORORITY HOUSE IN THE FASTEST AMOUNT OF TIME, WHILE WEARING STILETTOS. “

PAGE 5

PAGE 6

TOP 10: MSU MAKE OUT SPOTS

AN INSIDE LOOK AT SPARTY’S PRE-GAME ROUTINE

IT’S IMPORTANT TO HAVE GOALS, SO MAKE IT ONE TO SCORE IN THESE 10 SPOTS.

HE DOESN’T WAKE UP PERFECT, BUT HE’S DAMN CLOSE.

PAGES 12-13 WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU SEPTEMBER 4th, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 10th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A FEW MORE WAYS

PAGE 3

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE METAL FANG

“’This is least deformed chicken I’ve ever seen!’ the KFC worker proclaimed before casually throwing it in the fryer.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

FLUORESCENTED Any person or object so strongly reeking of artificial smell that it makes one’s eyes water.

After Tommy hotboxed his bathroom with Axe body spray he was so fluorescented three women were later admitted to the ER with lung infections.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Has a young daughter named Sophie Laurent.

2

Released an album, My Teenage Dream Ended.

3

Appeared on Couples Therapy.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s the weirdest food item you’ve ever made for yourself?

Andrew

“Candy on pizza.”

Danny

“Eel Sushi.”

Steven

“Chocolate-covered potato chips.”

04

DIRTY LAUNDRY

THE TOP TEN MSU Make Out Spots MSU is a beautiful campus and you should definitely explore it with someone make out-worthy. Whether it’s your long-term-committed-booty-call, a friend you’re trying to transform into a friend with benefits or some miscellaneous person you just met at Rick’s 10 minutes ago... Take them to these hot spots that get progressively more risqué: 10.) The Wells Hall Theater: Good luck trying to sit next to your MSU crush for two hours in the dark WITHOUT making out. It has to be done, it’s only right. Also, heads up, The Fault in Our Stars is playing there on September 4, 5, and 6. So while your significant other is bawling their eyes out, YOU can thrust your tongue down their throat! Okay? Okay.

Confessions of a

3rd year Resident Adviser Uncle Waz wrote this

Recently, The Black Sheep sat down with an RA of three years. After dealing with the loving delights found in dormitory halls, better known as freshmen, he wished to share exactly what bullshit RAs stand, sustain, and stomach on an hourly basis: R As are apathetic about your accomplishments. “Oh my God, you ran a 5K and saved three kittens while doing it, earning a bronze medal in the process?! I hear there are openings for Jesus soon. You should apply!” Listen, if your endeavor is actually, you know, an accomplishment, feel free to share it once. But no one cares that you 3.0’d your bioethics class. In fact, most would find it smug that you’d dare brag of such an achievement.

RAs, like everyone, loathe a snitch. When your RA is bound to the hall for twelve hours straight, they normally can be productive anyway, for instance by binging Orange is the New Black, or masturbating. Don’t turn in your suitemate for leaving his bottle of Jack in the sink. Calling in trace amounts of alcohol that would make a 100-pound freshman girl blow a .02 is as deflating as a Michigan student hoping to get laid.

RAs have to attend all bullshit hall events.

This includes, but is not limited to, Sexual Health night, Square-Dancing, and the everpopular speed dating. If you were a cowboy looking to get laid with anti-social people who leave their dorm every other moon cycle or so (and we here at The Black Sheep heartily are), those three events would be most relevant; for the rest of humanity including your RA, they have to rip across the border with “Florida-Georgia Line” and receive free condoms that are ripped before the wrapper

is opened. Residents choose to (and do) ignore a vast majority of these events. Your RA is present before, during, and after them.

The bulletin board is a manifestation of Hell, conveniently taking the shape of a bulletin board. After snipping construction paper, going through more staples than a surgeon, and producing a godly artwork that would make Michelangelo blush, one of two true outcomes will happen to the bulletin board your RA happily slaved over for you. Either their boss will yell at them, metaphorically defecating on their Sistine Chapel lamenting that although they worked day and night on it, the residents are not captivated by it; or the residents are truly captivated by it and as any-three-year old taking interest in something would do, the kids proceed to rip the shit out of it, in which case their boss will yell at them for not having a bulletin board up.

Dealing with YOU. You may be ignorant and unaware of the annoyance of your existence, but your RA is not. Sure, you may be a part of the 10% of kids who are never in the dorm, and therefore, not your RA’s responsibility; for the other 90%, your RA has to deal with feuding roommates over the cute boy across the hallway, the occasional 3:00 a.m. cocaine snorter doing lines off the hallway radiator who doesn’t use wet wipes after they finish, and the bearded guy at the end of the hallway who humps the study room door knob.

But don’t let any of these reasons deter you from applying to RHA. You get to live in a single dorm room resembling a jail cell for the entire school year and eat Grade-F cafeteria mystery meat that wouldn’t be consumed by a starving coyote. What could be better!

9.) The Beal Botanical Gardens: Frolic through the flowers with your MSU fling. The Botanical Gardens are beautiful, particularly around the end of summer and the start of fall. Plus, there will be actual birds and bees around you. And taking a romantic walk through the gardens is the perfect time to show your crush a few things about the birds and the bees, oh yeah.

8.) Munn Ice Arena: The whole damn place screams romance, you can ice skate, get hot cocoa and huddle together on the bleachers. And for the non-traditional, more badass Spartan, take your love interest up onto the roof. Look at the stars and spark up a... conversation.

7.) Beaumont Tower: MEN, PAY ATTENTION: If you’re trying desperately to get a girl to screw you, take her here and tell her, “They say if you kiss someone in the shadow of the Beaumont Tower, you’ll marry that person.” Because it’s true, that is an MSU urban legend. People say it every day. And that’s romantic as hell, what girl could resist?

6.) The Railroad Tracks: If you live in South Neighborhood, the super-romantic railroad tracks are very easy to get to! And you should know that because you hear that loud-ass train whistle every damn day.

There are some grassy ditches that you can sit/lay/hump in on the side of the tracks and it’s very quiet and secluded. Would not recommend going there with someone you don’t know very well, because if it’s a murderer, no one will hear your screams OVER THE FREAKIN’ TRAIN WHISTLE. 5.) The Woods Behind Holmes Hall: This location is a must-visit, especially at wintertime when the tree branches are all beautifully covered in snow. Hold your random MSU hookup close and gently brush the snow out of their hair. Then press your dry, cracked, winter lips to theirs. Ah, love.

4.) The Basement of Wilson Hall: Wilson is open every night because they serve late-night food until midnight. You could sneak out some aphrodisiac foods from the caf by hiding them in your shirt, maybe a plate of nachos or a ridiculously big wrap, and head down to the basement for some privacy.

Nobody is ever down there, it’s a make-out session waiting to happen.

3.) Your Roommate’s Bed: Total revenge-make out situation here. Just imagine the satisfaction you’ll feel the next time your roommate is giving you shit. “It’s okay Ben, you can yell at me for leaving the dishes in the sink because guess what, you’ve been sleeping in a puddle of my sexual juices for like 4 weeks. Ya bish.”

2.) An Empty (Or Full) Classroom: Most residence halls have classrooms in them on the lower floors.

If you’re looking to add some excitement and risk to your friends-with-benefits relationship, pull your hookup into one of these currently empty classrooms. Make out on the professor’s desk. And hopefully a class or study group won’t barge in on you.

1.) The Laundry Room: Okay yes, the laundry rooms have cameras. But that’s only to catch the bastards who are shamelessly rooting through random students’ laundry and stealing all their clothes. So, throw some laundry in the washer because, let’s face it, you haven’t done it yet this year, have you? And while you’re waiting for your clothes to get clean, you and your fellow Spartan can get a little nasssstay.

Katie Hallup wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

An Inside Look at SPARTY’S PRE-GAME ROUTINE Lauren Masek wrote this

Being the best mascot in the country is hard work, our beloved Sparty must keep his mind sharp and his body physically fit to stay on top of Mascot Mountain. In addition to his everyday regimen, Sparty has an extensive Saturday morning pre-game routine to remain the best. No other mascot’s preparation rivals Sparty’s routine — his efforts are what every mascot should aspire towards; he’s a Spartan after all.

When he wakes up on game day, not only does Sparty piss excellence, he drinks a Bloody Mary while doing so. Over the years he’s developed a taste for the blood of his enemies and the tomato-y coolness of the bloody holds him over until game time when he can sate his thirst as his team destroys whatever poor excuse for a football team they’re playing. He’ll certainly get his fill during the game.

As the sun rises over East Lansing, Sparty ventures atop Beaumont Tower. He surveys the campus, seeing who’s already tailgating for the game. He then begins his hour-long yoga session atop the Tower, demonstrating his superior balancing skills. He likes to keep himself relaxed so he can do his one-armed pushup at the beginning of the game and hang with the cheerleaders during the onthe-field action. He’s well-known for his dance moves—he’s gotta keep himself loose so he can bust them out at any moment with the dance team.

Sparty then swims the length of the Red Cedar River, collecting cans from the previous night

to donate to Willie the Can Man because, let’s face it, Sparty’s a super nice guy. He believes in making MSU a more beautiful place (as if that were even possible) and doing good at the same time. Lucky passersby get to see Sparty without his armor, clad only in a Speedo, the manliest of swimwear. Sparty doesn’t believe in the idea of “shame.”

Sparty is a firm believer in the notion that you will feel your best when you look your best, and he practices what he preaches. He shines his armor because it makes him feel more manly, a near impossibility; Sparty is the embodiment of manliness. He inspires the players with his shiny armor, his musk, and his manly muscles that can be seen from miles around.

Right before game time, he takes his pet wolverine for a walk through Spartan Stadium; it instills fear in the visiting team and is an absolute slap in the face when the Spartans face off against the University of Michigan.

That’s what they get for not having a mascot of their own. Sparty loves his wolverine, it’s a docile creature named Hoke, although he tends to call him “Choke” because that’s all he seems to be good at doing.

Prior to running out through the tunnel onto the field to plant the flag into the grass, Sparty plays two of his favorite songs: “Teach Me How to Sparty” and “Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Buckeyes.” He then sprints out onto the field to tremendous applause and knows that all of his hard work has been worth it.

Unconventional Ways to Respond to Unwanted Booty Calls Halie Woody wrote this

Boy or girl, we’ve all experienced that one person who only hits our line when they’re trying to get their genitals wet. Some of you have had a one-night stand where the person keeps coming back, others have had the person you like only text you when they want the goodies. The Black Sheep is here to help you reject these unwanted calls for sexy time.

Brilliant Excuses: When you’re walking home after a long night of drunken debauchery at Rick’s you get hit with that after-hours sex text and you need to get out of it quick. Tell this horny pest that you can’t meet up because you’ve just stumbled upon a baby in a trashcan.

It all started when you heard a faint cry as you walked outside of the bar, at first you assumed it was just the cry of a “baby-back bitch” frat boy who drank one too many vodka tonics, but as you got closer you saw that it was, in fact,

06

a baby. Shocked and concerned, it is your duty as a Spartan to save this spawn; hopefully your booty caller understands now why you can’t get dicked down tonight.

Freak ‘Em Out: If saving a baby from a trashcan outside of Rick’s seems a little too far-fetched, try sexting out some disturbing picture messages. If you run into the typical sloppy drunk dude begging to come over in the wee hours of the night, tell him your nipples burned off in the tanning bed.

Follow this up with a picture of your knees close together and tell him the nips are gone. Say you need to heal from the emotional trauma of being newly nipple-less, and therefore won’t be able to make it to pound town.

I’m So Gay, So Stay Away: If you’re a guy who’s faced with a sex-crazed girl who won’t leave you and your penis alone, tell her you realized shortly after your last “meeting” that you’re actually

gay. Thank her for helping you come to terms with this new identity, but her presence is no longer desired as you have moved onto bigger and better things (i.e. wieners). If this doesn’t stop her from hitting you up for that fourth meal of dick, then you need to get a restraining order and change your number.

Missed Connections and Adult Services: If you’re a real, huge asshole and want to take things from zero to one-hunned real quick, post the number of the person you’re trying to get rid of on a Craigslist ad. Prior to posting an ad, shoot the booty caller a text that makes it clear you don’t want sex. Try something like, “Hey I would rather masturbate with sandpaper for the rest of my days than ever look at you; let alone sleep with you.”

After you’ve hit them with a bold text, get to work on that ad. If they’re that desperate for poon, you’re technically

“What it comes down to is really how heartless you are as a person” helping them by putting out their ad for anonymous sex. Make sure you require some freaky shit under their number like “Seeking someone to shove pineapples up my ass; serious inquiries only!”

Whether you choose to potentially ruin someone’s life with a craigslist ad or make up an extravagant lie about your nipples falling off, there

are countless ways to end booty calls.

What it comes down to is really how heartless you are as a person and/ or how much you hate the person who is hitting you up for late night sexcapades. That being said, evaluate how you feel about your booty caller then apply one of these reasons to them and hopefully put an end to the madness. If all else fails get a restraining order. Good Luck.

Quarter

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

One Book, One Community: Expanding the Shit out of Your Cultural Horizon Albert Maclin wrote this

If you were to ask any James Madison student about what they do in their precious spare time, you’d quickly begin to hear a common theme: reading books about civil and social injustices. Most of us don’t really know what this means, but next time you’re out, ask any JMC about it (they’ll identify themselves, trust us) and you’re sure to find out that these books are a big deal. Luckily, the city of East Lansing and Michigan State University agreed with this sentiment, and saw the dire need for the rest of the university to spend their first few weekends at school brushing up on their cultural awareness through bland realistic fiction and shady communitysponsored events.

Now a thriving operation, the One Book, One Community program has successfully intimidated countless page ad = 5” w X 5.5” h freshmen into buying overpriced copies of books they’ll never read for thirteen years. It has blossomed into a way for East Lansing residents to socially integrate with hip college kids, for freshmen to kick-start conversations with new friends in the dorms, and for guaranteeing the virginity of the students who power

through the book of the given year.

A giant banner outside of Louise Campbell Hall reminds everyone that this program is no joke, and that even professors and city officials have to pretend to take it seriously. The foldable flyers on cafeteria tables are also prime for letting the student body know that they have the privilege of meeting the author of the book that brings our community so close together every year.

Local East Lansingites rave about these occasions every year, saying things like: “the variety of settings I can discuss this book in really encourages me to come together with my community,” and “I really appreciate diversity and culture after reading this book,” and “conversations about this book nearly got me a handjob at my local library.”

Our (on track) senior readers will remember the One Book, One Community chapter directed towards them: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. A sad, deep book whose title describes most girls after a Mike’s Hard or two, but really tells a story about dealing with tragedy and finding one’s self.

Behind the Beautiful Forevers was “required” for those arriving in 2012.

The challenge that came with this book was finding out the actual plot, but everyone who read the back cover knew that it probably involved caste tensions in Mumbai, lots of cultural diversity, and at least one softcore sex scene.

Last year The Yellow Birds was the buzz of the town, another solemn tale elected by the city that wasn’t about yellow birds, but war. Reviews indicate that in the book, “innocence is lost, one way or another, and no one escapes,” which is eerily similar to a review of a night out at Rick’s.

This year, however, is a cut above the rest.

Cue orgasms from knowledge-seekers everywhere because now we don’t have just one worthless wonder but THREE! A plethora of possibilities to please the palate await you in the form of two racially risqué novels, and for our less literate friends, the first ever One Movie, One Community. The movie, Fruitvale Station, intends to raise awareness about police brutality, just in case you haven’t used any form of informational media

HARPER’S

HAMBURGER HEAVEN

2

$

ALL-YOU CAN-EAT

Hamburgers Hot Dogs French Fries Salad Bar

Thursday 2-9 PM

All Draft Pints HEAVENLY $2.00 $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamis, LI’s SPECIALS $3.00 Dbles, Shots & Bombs

in the past three months. The novels are written by a Congressman and an NPR contributor respectively, so the level of excitement promises to fall somewhere between a C-SPAN marathon and a Nickelback concert.

Overall, we can expect to expand the shit out of our cultural horizons and

political spectrums, because whoever made these selections gave it everything they’ve got. We at The Black Sheep can only speculate as to what the MSU/ EL power duo will cook up next. The possibilities are endless, but one thing is certain: you’re much better off buying a Long Island from Peanut Barrel than you are buying whatever they choose.

The only relevant shirts for football season

FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY - RICH HOMIE D

comes with a FREE Koozie! - blacksheepswag.com

NEW THIS FALL! • Mac n’ Cheese Bites • Mozzarella Stix • Onion Rings

MENNASJOINT.COM

115 ALBERT AVE. • 517-351-DUBS 790 S. HAGADORN RD. • 517-324-DUBS

The Bar Grid 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday 9/4 Friday 9/5 Saturday 9/6 Sunday 9/7 Monday 9/8 Tuesday 9/9 Wednesday 9/10 Thursday 9/11

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

HAPPY HOUR 4–7 HALF OFF APPS & PINTS

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 9 Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

$3 Pints & Wells $3.50 Calls, Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

PATIO Pre-Game Party $3 Fireball & Rumpleminz, $3.50 Calls Jerry Sprague on the Deck at 2PM! DJ Post-game & GO GREEN!

Sunday-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-barhospitality industry workers

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

HALF OFF Pizzas HALF OFF Adult Beverages ALL DAY – ALL NIGHT

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-your-own Bloody Mary Bar Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

HALF OFF Pints & Pitchers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

TWO DOLLAR TUESDAY $2 Wells, Calls, Pints & Beers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

Home of the Original HALF OFF WEDNESDAY Jerry Sprague on the Deck @6 DJ on Stage @9

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 9 Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU Scan to go right to the page!

PUB

The Bar Grid

EAST LANSING

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM) $1 BURGERS, $1 WAFFLE FRIES 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1 BURGERS, $1 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

8pm-Close: $2.50 All Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.50 Long Islands

$3 All Draft Pints, $3 Jack Daniels $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

CRAFT DRAFT

SHOTS

Sunday Off-Day! 6pm - 10pm SOFT 1/2 PARADE SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer (Bellair, MI)

TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4

GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider (Massachusetts)

$5

$2.50 All Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Long Islands

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3 Platinum Bottles $3 White Gummy Bear Shots BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1 BURGERS, $1 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs 8pm-Close: $2.50 All Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.50 Long Islands

PATRON 7

Friday Movie Night!

4

Thursday 9/4 Friday 9/5 Saturday 9/6 Sunday 9/7 Monday 9/8 Tuesday 9/9 Wednesday 9/10 4

MACH 5 - Crown$3 royal, Rumpleminze, Fireball, Bacardi $2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, Captain Drinks,151, $2 Jagermeister Washington Apple (LIMIT 2) 8 Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger $5 Grey Goose Cocktails, Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft $3 Cinge, $3 Fireball HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3%

$4

WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schapps, Cranberry 5

Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium

BOMB$5 - 622oz Dead CIROC hefeweizen (Germany) $5 - Midnight Saturday Drink 50: 4pm Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off & $0.50 Keystone, $4 Long Islands, HONEYLICIOUS - Bottles Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% $1 Off $7.99 American Reuben, $2.50 Bacardi Bombs Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5 Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 JAMESON - 5 Entrees Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie

$5

5

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLEROasis BEER Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita CO., 4.4% (Vermont) Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Sunday 1/2 Fruit Off Beer Day! 6pm -$510pm Whiskey Drinks, $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV $2 Off Veggie Sampler BLOODY Appetizers MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, Wisconsin, United States $3

GO LIONS! 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.50 Domestic, $6 Premium $3 Blue Shots

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial Show Time 7 to 11am: & IPA Bacardi (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

LAGUNITAS - American IPA | 6.20% ABV California, United States

Closed for NFL Football!

Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

SPECIAL NIGHT

JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/ 4pm - Midnight: $2 Slider, JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma $1(Colorado) Coney’s, $4 Long Islands, $5 Sandwiches, $5.50 Salads, Red Bull 5 JAGERFalafel BOMB - Jagermeister, $3.50 Domestic Pitchers $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

American IPA (Bellair, MI)

$3.50 Captain Morgans $3.50 All Flavored Vodkas $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

$5

Welcome Back MSU! CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch Specials run Monday Schnapps 4 Sunday All Day & Night!

COCKTAILS

horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

MASTER MOJITO -Bacardi Rum, lime juice, mint leaves,

BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $2 Domestic Bottles, $3syrup, Premium/Micro/ simple club soda 7 States 7pm - Midnight $3 MondayMissouri, Open United Mic Night!

Craft Bottles, $4 Featured Martinis, $2.50 $3.50 Washington $5.50 Patron, LABATT BLUE -Apples, Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE Pimms, and Sprite on the rocks 6 Glasses of House Wine, $6 -1/2 Lbs. Adjunct 5.00%Scout ABV Ontario, Canada $3 $3 Lager Dirty| Girl Cheeseburger &STATE Falafurger Combo Baileys dropped in beer BOMB - Goldschlager,

BEER BOTTLES

Dollar Bottle Beer - All Day! AMSTEL LIGHT 4 $3.50 Washington Apples, BUD LIGHT 3 $5.503Patron BUDWEISER

BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 ALL DAY! 1/2 Off Crafts HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 4pm Midnight: $2 Slider, MIKES- HARD 4 3 $1 MICHELOB Coney’s,LIGHT $4 Long Islands, M.G.D 3 $3.50 Domestic Pitchers REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

6

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA $3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and- Don Julio, Grand Marnier, 9 lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made inCARRIE Michigan Wines, $6 Flavored Vodka,orange BRADSHAW - Citrus liqueur, cranberry lime 8 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50juice, Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long MARTINI Pitchers, ON THE ROCKS Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria $3 All- Grey Goose, dry bitters, lemon peel Mediterranean Beer &Vermouth, Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $18 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 WHISKEY SOUR - Crown Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6 Falafel Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/ Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

MARTINIS

7

Thursday 9/11

GUMMY BEAR - Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, splash of sour and sprite 7 DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

SMALL-TOWN CHRISTIAN GIRL EXPERIENCES

TWERKING FOR THE FIRST TIME

Justin Sienkowski wrote this

Michigan State University offers all sorts of new experiences and chances to broaden your horizons. For freshman Patty Smith, her “welcome to college” moment came in the form of a violently-shaken badonkadonk.

The event took place at the popular College Night at the Whiskey Barrel, a choice destination for 18-yr old freshmen who still find going out on a Wednesday a novelty. When Patty accepted the invitation to go with the gaggle of her floor mates in Yakeley, she had no clue what was in store for her that night.

“When we got there, we made our way towards the dance floor. I was hoping they would play my favorite Brad Paisley song, but the only thing coming from the speakers was a man’s voice yelling at me to ‘wobble’.”

Patty ventured onto the dance floor at the urging of her roommate. She quickly got swallowed up by the crowd of dancers who were definitely not leaving room for Jesus.

Amidst the chaos, she witnessed the most terrifying sight she had seen in her young life.

“It was as if a family of raccoons had taken up residence in a lady’s, ahem, ‘behind’ and were now attempting to break free. The gyration was terrifying,” the now somber Smith said. “I had heard of demonic possessions before in church, but I never really believed in it until then.”

Smith fled the floor and insisted to her floor mates they leave that cesspool immediately.

Upon arrival at her dorm, she blessed each one of the girls with holy water to dispel any demons they may have contracted.

A scarred Patty, to this day, can no longer eat tomatoes, pumpkins or any other rounded, plump cuisine. She is currently beginning treatment for a severe case of PTSD.

CALL US TODAY! (517) 203-5963 Beer, Fine Wines, Keg Beer, Liquor, Subs, Salads

210 Michigan Ave., East Lansing • jonnas2goelansing.com

GRAND OPENING SPECIALS! WELCOME BACK STUDENTS

FREE PRIZES DURING WELCOME WEEK Large 1-Topping Pizza Keystone Light 1/2 Barrels ONLY $5.00 ONLY $49.99

Look For Our Great Liquor and Wine Specials

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single, I guess…

Major: Bartender Favorite Drink: Neapolitan Milk Stout Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Spartan Wheat What imaginary liquor would you like to wish into existence?: Red Bullflavored vodka What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen while working a shift here?: Three guys took a tequila shot, but snorted the salt, took the shot, then squirted the lime in their eyes.

WILL of HOPCAT THE DRINKING GAME KARIO MART: SELECT YOUR DRINKER We all know the basics of the Mario Kart drinking game, but any seasoned Mario Kart player knows that there’s an element of strategy outside of being the lucky sonofabitch who scores a blue shell. In this rendition, the character you select will directly impact your impairment (so listen up, try-hard Toad drivers).

What You’ll Need: A copy of Mario Kart, 4 controllers, beer or liquor of choice depending on how fast you want to end this train wreck. OPTIONAL: A designated refiller to prevent “I’m gonna sit this one out” syndrome.

Number of Players: 2+, or more if you’re doing it LAN party-style, in which case you probably don’t go to bars anyway.

Level of Intoxication: “Mamma mia! I haven’t been this fucked up since taking my first Super Mushroom in World 1-1!”

How to Play: The same Mario Kart drinking game rules you

know and love apply. Players must finish their drinks before finishing the race, and they may only drink when at a complete stop. The last player to finish must chug a whole second drink before the next race, or the 1st place player may designate the drink to whomever.

The following additional rules must be done as well, and failure to comply results in the refilling of a drink mid-race.

Character Legend: Mario: Player must shout “Mamma mia!” after being hit by an item or spinning out.

Luigi: Player must “bunny hop,” or hop obsessively without stopping during the race (if you can correctly guess why this is, we’ll send you a koozie).

Peach: Player must sit on the lap of whoever is playing as any of the following: Mario, Luigi, D.K., or Bowser. Double or tripling up on laps is encouraged.

Toad: Player must speak in Toad’s high-pitched, cringeinducing voice throughout

the entire game (that’s what you get for taking a cart racing game so seriously, asshole).

Yoshi: Player must stick out their tongue during every drink.

This one might get messy.

D.K.: Player must make the most obnoxious gorilla sounds possible/beat on chest if anyone obtains banana peels.

Wario: Player must make sure that at least one hand is constantly pulling their own fake/ real moustache throughout the race.

Bowser: Player must do a shot of Fireball at the start and end of every race. If no Fireball is available, just shout alongside Bowser’s gargling roar whenever he yells.

The Game Ends When: Any of the following situations occur: The loser that everyone picked on is blacked out, the bars begin calling your names, someone questions the ethical repercussions of Nintendo’s use of Italian stereotypes in their mascots.

As a bartender, how can you tell if someone isn’t a student here?: When people ask where to go at the end of the night (it’s Rick’s, obviously).

A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: A douchebag.

Is there a word you use in everyday conversation that confuses people?: I try to dumb everything down.

Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality?: Cheesy Gordita Crunch, it’s got a little bit of everything.

Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: 1100101 What are we going to do with all of this blood?: Splatter it all over East Lansing and call it art.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the best paper to ever exist.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER FRANKENSTEIN LEFTOVERS Even if you’re a complete and total recluse, it’s a given that you’ve soaked up a doctor’s recommended amount of greasiness from campus’ non-franchised, local drunk food offerings. Hell, these All-American, deep fried creations are so good that you’ve probably amassed a bomb shelter-tier selection of them in the form of leftovers from Thirsty Thursday’s past. But spending $7-10 a pop on late night cravings is a lot of money to spend, so if you want the most bang for your inebriated buck, The Black Sheep is offering a creative way to ingest the last of what’s kicking up orders in your fridge… so you’ll have room for more.

What You’ll Need: (Ingredients will vary, but you’ll likely have) Half of a large cheese pizza, fries, 1 ½ chicken strips, a gyro with only a few bites in it, cheese sauce, not-so-loaded-anymore nachos, a multi-pattied cheeseburger (Philly cheesesteakstyled), brown chicken (once orange chicken), marinara-soaked stale mozzarella sticks, an oven

or microwave (if you’re daring), and some incredibly forgiving roommates.

Fatty Factor: …You’re joking, right?

Let’s Get Baked: - If using an oven, begin preheating to 350 degrees, or whatever the nearest empty frozen pizza box recommends.

- Unload what’s left of the pizza onto the preparation area. This will serve as the base of your Frankenstein food monster.

- Take the meatier, ground beef parts of your leftovers and cut them into smaller, sausage-like bits to cover the entire area of the pizza.

- Crack open the mozzarella sticks in order to coat the cheese over any parts of the meat that are uncovered. This will act as a great way to embed the meat within the pizza’s cheese.

- If you really want to abuse the definition of “meat lovers,” add the chicken to the pizza instead of saving it for dipping sauces.

- Scatter the smaller, non-meat foods for extra flavoring. Don’t

be afraid to get creative by making faces with the fries and nachos.

- Drizzle the cheese sauce/whatever dipping sauces you have to your liking on the pizza. Make sure you hit those hard-to-reach places that haven’t been hit by the cultural wave of grease yet.

- Place the Frankenpizza in the oven and base its readiness on the browning (or blackening) of the crust. If using a microwave, be extremely diligent in making sure nothing explodes in hot, cheesy goodness.

- Once cooked to your liking, let it sit for a few minutes to cool off before gorging.

- For best eating results, get drunk… fast.

For the wasteful moneybags who’ll find it far simpler to toss their precious leftovers in favor of just getting something more fresh, for shame. There are starving vegans in liberal arts colleges out there who would kill to break their code and dive into the mounds of grease that you’re wasting.

the black sheep interviews:

mike Birbiglia Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction. The stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one?

Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ballpark for sure. Are you on Twitter right now?

TBS: Logging in as we speak.

Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that.

TBS: Oh the glory!

Mike: Isn’t that great?

TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it?

Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers.

TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass.

Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actually one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but…

TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk…

Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah…

TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right?

Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, super soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Dayton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chicago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now.

TBS: Yes! You are going to be in Michigan for two dates, so I should be seeing you in Kalamazoo.

Mike: Oh yes! Kalamazoo is going to be an awesome show. Chris Gethard is opening the show, who is hilarious, brilliant, brilliant comedian who does a lot of stuff for UCB Theatre in New York, and is on Broad City where he plays Derek, and he just shot his own Comedy Central half-hour special too and it is really good.

TBS: When was the last time you were on tour?

Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done.

TBS: DAMN. Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy, which is an unexpected turn in my career.

TBS: What can you tell us about Orange is the New Black? Anything at all?

Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say anything. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-cometrue for me.

TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean

it’s your brainchild.

Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into being.

TBS: I bring this up because I’m wondering if Orange is kind of you shifting gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you would kick ass at.

Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indie-niche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a movie together and I play Amy’s brother-in-law, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it.

TBS: Is that the wrestler dude?

Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obviously this is very timely. I know that they actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he became sort of the hero of America.

TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for directing again?

Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now.

TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that.

TBS: Now are we looking at these coming out in the next year…or ten years?

Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that.

TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you.

Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said.

I am hoping to have a movie out next fall.

TBS: Right on.

Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense.

TBS: You realize I’m in college right?

That makes perfect sense.

Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dish-mountain below the line.

TBS: Where did you go to college?

Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown.

TBS: Do you have any unknown horror or glory stories you’re willing to share?

Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?!

TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown.

Mike: Yes, sadly so.

TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, producing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy?

Mike: Directing, and even more so directing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh. Then the people will say that it’s just not funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy,

so I think that directing film comedy is the hardest thing you can do. That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that.

TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end?

Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these numbers we’re talking about as far as years.

What year were you born in?

TBS: ‘92 Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was going to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable.

TBS: When you were…

Mike: On a side-note to keep you updated on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the receptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage.

TBS: Godspeed man.

Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question.

TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you thinking of casting like, Zach Braff or something?

Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.”

You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situation where I wrote this script, I’m producing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stallone comparison probably ends.

TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be?

Mike: I think I always wanted to be a comedian, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals – or maybe a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed.

TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure.

Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies. the interview: mike birbiglia

The Black Sheep: So, what is up?

Where are you right now?

Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brooklyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

THE BACK PAGE

LET’S PLAY SQUARES!

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MSU: THE MUSICAL Lauren Masek wrote this

One MSU senior, Bobby Brezinski, is consumed by music. Not only is he constantly listening to a tune but when he’s not allowed his iPhone and headphones, his subconscious fills his head with the perfect song for his current situation. “It’s kinda cool,” he says. “I mean, they all fit but it gets a little annoying, y’know?”

“Wake up in the morning, feeling like…” Gross. Bobby clicks his phone’s alarm off with great distaste. He loathes that song but nothing could keep him in bed, not with that playing; not even if Ke$ha herself were in it. Despite her terrible voice, she isn’t the worst-looking person – like a new, less saggy Britney. As he rolls out of bed and prepares for the day, he needs something to drown out the noise of his roommate and his girlfriend having hot morning sex next door. Like a cruel bitch, his subconscious picks “All By Myself.” What an asshole.

A very lonely Bobby rushes to catch the CATA bus, missing it by a few seconds. As he watches it go by, his iPhone shuffles to “When You Come Back To Me Again” by Garth Brooks. It plays on repeat until the next bus comes along a mere 6 minutes later. Shit. Now he’ll be late for his class and his first professor’s an asshole.

As Bobby sits in class and listens to his professor talk about how horrible everyone did on their first test, “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles blares in his mind; the professor is a dick and abuses his power by telling them all that it was their fault and not his that they did poorly. Leave it to a middle-aged man to think that he’s never in the wrong.

At the end of the day when Bobby has finished all of his classes, “School’s Out” blasts from his headphones.

He’s happy but only for a moment when he realizes that he has school again on Monday. But for now, he has Burgerama to go to and a long weekend of partying and masturbating-- he has about as much game as an aye-aye. His favorite partner is ol’ Righty, or if he feels like cheating, Lefty. “Get This Party Started” booms in his brain with the nostalgia of his freshman year when he went to frat parties with their horrible pop music blaring from the speakers with the bass turned way up. It reminds him of a time when he was so horny all he could think about was getting pussy but he looked too much like a Chia Pet to get any positive attention.

When he realizes that he forgot his wallet and can’t even get into the Riv, he wanders home to find another roommate of his apparently getting some. He sits down to do some homework, feeling like a loser for missing Rama on a Thursday and that’s because he is. Nerd. “White and Nerdy” sneaks into his mind and he hates himself for it. He slams his books shut and watches some porn on his laptop, feeling better about his life choices.

When he finally lays his head down on his pillow hours later, preparing to hear another of his roommates drilling his girlfriend or a random chick from the bar, Bobby relaxes to “All the Pretty Girls” by Fun. and promises himself that he’ll get out there and attempt some sort of a social/sex life tomorrow night. Good luck, Bobby Brezinski. We wish you all of the best and hope that you get laid soon.

15

WELCOME TO MSU S T O P B Y & TA K E A T O U R A P P LY T O D AY & R E S E R V E Y O U R S PA C E F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 ABBOTTPL.COM

close to campus + free CATA bus pass + private bedrooms + private bathrooms available + fully furnished available wi-fi hotspots + game room with billiards + 24-hr fitness center + 24-hr computer center + swimming pool & sun deck sand volleyball & basketball courts + free tanning + coffee bar + internet & extended cable with HBO included

2501 Abbot Rd • 517.324.9880 Amenities & utilities included are subject to change. See office for details.