The Black Sheep
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Vol. 10, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
1/9/14 - 1/16/14
surviving
the winter trek to class BY: Molly buford It’s wintertime here in East Lansing, which means it’s time for that dreaded winter walk to class. The sidewalks are icy; the snow is blowing sideways, upways, and swirlways. It’s a freaking Dr. Seuss nightmare of misery, and you’re freezing cold by the time you walk into your 9:10 class after your two-mile stroll in what felt like Antarctica. However, here at The Black Sheep, we’ve compiled a list of travel options and ideas for attire that will get you to class in one piece and keep you warm. Now, who’s going to say that’s not a winning combo? A sled pulled by highly trained sled dogs: Besides being adorable, a team of sled dogs will get you to class with comfort and speed. Just picture yourself, bundled up on a sled while a team of huskies pulls you down Farm Lane. Plus, boys, you could probably pick up some ladies while you’re at it. Who doesn’t love a group of fluffy huskies? Cold-hearted gremlins, that’s who! Don’t ask us what to do when twelve huskies leave a literal pile of shit outside the Union, we’re just the idea people here. Snowshoes: Put the frilly, fringe covered “Native American” boots away, girls, because a Michigan winter is a crazed, vengeful bitch. And she means serious business. A good pair of snowshoes will get you to class without the risk of you wiping out. No, tennis rackets don’t work. Don’t even try that shit, we know from experience. Mr. Plow: If a team of sled dogs is too old school, then this is the option for you! Simply commandeer a snowplow — not only will you be doing the public of East Lansing a favor, you’ll be getting to class in ample time and with a sense of authority only ELPD could envy. And, let’s be real, who doesn’t want to roll to class high on the power trip that is a snowplow. An ELPD horse: Speaking of the ELPD, maybe they would be kind enough to lend you one of their fine equines for your ex-
pedition to Erickson, especially after you gave them that “legitimate” tip for the identity of the “Burn the Couch” sign guy. Since they couldn’t give you $20,000, the least they can do now is give you a horse. Sounds fair to us. Your feet (you wimp), a snowsuit, and ski goggles: Even though you probably haven’t sported a snowsuit since first grade, it will keep you warm on your way to class, when you inevitably give up and fall back to sleep in a snow drift. Complete the look with a pair of ski goggles; you’ll look crazy, but at least now you can see through the ice flurry that’s happening all around you. Winter in EL is a judgment-free zone.
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breaking news: area woman keeps resolution to bathe in sausage grease
Spring semester safety guide
well, we think it was sausage grease?
A beer blanket: Substitute the milk in your cereal for some beer and you’ll be set and maybe even excited for class! We recommend regular Cheerios or Frosted Flakes. They absorb the carbonated goodness nicely, and soon enough you’ll be so deep in debilitating alcoholism walking to class, or even going outside, will be a thing of the past! As easy as it is to say “It’s zero degrees outside, and an oven of orgasmic warmth in my bed; I think I’ll choose the latter,” it’s very important to get to class, even in the winter. That being said, if the university can’t provide everyone with sled dogs, what do they expect? For us to risk bodily harm for an intro-level class? No thanks, we’ll play catch up in the spring.
There are dark forces at work this semester, and we are here to help.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com
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Interview: Mary Lambert We chat with the “Same Love” singer, you know, the song that’s been stuck in your head for months.