Michigan State - Issue 1 - 8/21/2014

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

THR FREE! OUG LIKE H W BR ELC EEZI OM N’ EW EEK .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

THE BUZZFEED QUIZ How Prepared Are You For MSU? Jack Harder Wrote This One thing every Spartan should know is proper classroom etiquette: Walk in fashionably late, grab a back corner seat, and immediately open your laptop to distract you from the upcoming lecture. Netflix in class is too obvious, though, so your priority is to learn useless and inaccurate facts about yourself from a throng of Buzzfeed quizzes. You may already know what Mean Girls character you are, but now you can step up your game and take a The Black Sheep quiz to learn just how prepared you are for a year at MSU. Check the box adjacent to the statement(s) that apply to you.  I have purchased books for the classes that require them.  I have followed @BlackSheep_MSU on Twitter.  I have completely unpacked.  I have proof that, despite my true age, I am, in fact, 21 or older.  I am the proud owner of season tickets that allow me to see last year’s Rose Bowl Champions play seven games.  I have consumed at least a beer a day to prepare my liver for its upcoming beatings.  My residence contains ramen noodles, pizza rolls, and cheap beer.  I’ve explained to my parents time and time again that it’s perfectly normal to add a fifth year.  I have a small reserve of cash stored away for when the MSU Parking Police inevitably find me and repeatedly penetrate my hindquarters with a roll of parking tickets that were written for reasons unknown.  I have a healthy supply of condoms rescued from the third floor of Wilson Hall.  I have significantly decreased my moral values.  I have paid the required State News tax despite the obvious truth that not even Lou Anna K. can stand reading the “news” that institution spews.  I definitely haven’t been getting those emails giving me a “friendly reminder” that I forgot to enroll and pay my dues before their deadlines.  I know what classes I’m in.  I am aware of the general area of where the classes I plan on attending are located.  I have taken a screenshot my class schedule so I’ll be able to check to see where my classes actually are come December.  I have some sort of makeshift beer pong table that can be accessed easily at all times.  I have Febreeze stored somewhere so I can eliminate the smell of cheap beer, weed, and broken dreams from my home. Unless I live in Cedar Village, in which case that’s a lost cause.  Conrad’s number is saved in my phone as “bae” or something similar.  I have at least one extra couch stored somewhere, just in case I see a fire that needs fueling.

If you checked 0-5 of the above: You are the ultimate procrastinator. Your feat is impressive, but you really need to get your shit together. Do you even college?

If you checked 6-10 of the above: You know that as long as you’re in the city of East Lansing with a cold brew in your hand, everything will work itself out. You’re an expert at getting by with zero money and effort. Don’t forget all those meetings that give away free food.

If you checked 11-15 of the above: Sounds like you’re exactly where you want to be, and that’s great. However, make sure you let loose and make bad decisions in the near future. The Black Sheep is always looking for great party pics and you’re the kind of person we want to feature.

If you checked 16-20 of the above: Not to be an asshole, but you’re trying way too hard.

We get that you’re excited to be a part of the greatest set of college chronicles since Van Wilder, but you’re overpreparing for a life of underpreparing. Relax a little bit. These are the best years of your life – don’t waste them.

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PAGES 12-13

TOP 10 THINGS YOU’RE GOING TO START DOING ONCE YOU’RE A SPARTAN

LOCAL FRAT MEMBER NO LONGER FINDS PEEING ON THINGS FUNNY

WHAT SIX COLLEGE MOVIES GET RIGHT (AND OH-SO WRONG)

STALK HOTTIES, BECAUSE THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.

DREAM BIG, CHARLIE PETERSON.

VAN WILDER, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU AUGUST 21st, 2014 - AUGUST 27th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

JUST A FEW MORE WAYS

PAGE 3

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY CARVER Mittens stared sadly into the distance knowing he’d never land a job until he beat his catnip addiction once and for all.

Think you can do better? Tweet us your funnier caption and you may win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CREEPTOMANIA An addiction in which the afflicted cannot help but creep on new acquaintances’ Facebook pictures.

The moment Darren accepted Mariah’s friend request he spent the next 20 minutes looking at pictures of her in bikini.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killers nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Born in Chicago in 1971.

2

Is a spokesman for Rogaine.

3

Currently hosts Kitchen Casino.

# # #

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s the most college thing you’ve done since you’ve been back on campus?

04

WELCOME BACK

THE TOP TEN Things You’re Going to Start Doing Once You’re a Spartan 10.) Dressing Like A Freakin’ Hippie: Because guess what? The only stores within walking distance of campus are Urban Outfitters, American Apparel and a whole mess of hippie boutiques.

What, you didn’t own a canvas poncho in high school? BOOM, now ya do and you love it.

9.) Eating Constantly: The cafs are redonkulous. And since all the food is a part of your meal plan, you feel obligated to pile your tray sky-high with everything they’re serving. And YES, that IS an ice cream machine over there. USE IT. Plus, most cafs are in the same building that you live in, so you’ll be rolling down the stairs and into the caf like 17 times a day. And when you have extra cash to spend, you WILL be ordering Conrad’s and getting super fat off tater tots. Accept it.

6 Signs You Need to Drop Your Class (Like, Molly Burford Wrote This

It’s the first week back at school and in your hungover Welcome Week daze you’re not exactly sure if you’re feeling your new classes.

Sure, it could be the headache, but something tells you there’s one class that really isn’t sitting right with your schedule. Need validation for switching to something different? We’ve got you covered! Here are six sure signs you need to drop that class, pronto.

There aren’t any attractive people: Part of the fun of going to class is viewing the eye candy instead of the pointless PowerPoint that you can just download later from D2L, right? However, if everyone looks like they belong in U of M’s math department, then it might be best for you to seek other options for that time slot. How else are you going to be motivated to get those notes you missed if everyone sucks at being sexy?

There are too many attractive people: There needs to be a balance of the hot and the not-so-hot variety of students in your class; options are important! But when the equilibrium is thrown off and you’re in a class full of Conrad’s workers (how ya doin?), then you won’t get shit done, friend. We predict you scoring very low on all exams, which will lead you to being forced to drop out because your GPA is then destroyed. This will lead you to having to start cooking and selling meth, which will then later lead to your arrest and incarceration. Do you want that? No? Then drop that class A$AP. You’re the most attractive: While this is unlikely, if you end up being the best-looking in your class, then you’ll be the one who is sought after for all notes and study group invites (aka you’ll actually feel obligated to work). This new sense of hotness will also go to your head and lead you to hit on people extraordinarily out of your league. In turn,

Right Now)

this will kill all your confidence and make you resent that class. Then, you’ll never go and you’ll fail the class. Then you’re back to the meth. Just get out while you can; you still have Tinder for that confidence boost, right?

Your professor speaks English as a 13th language (and it’s a math class): Math should be filed under a foreign language, we all know this; so why the heck would they have someone who can barely speak English try and teach it? Run, friends; run for the fuckin’ hills.

The syllabus rivals the length and ambiguity of a Panic! At the Disco song title: Due dates will be vague, assignment parameters will be impossible to dissect, and your professor is related to Edgar Allen Poe, so all conversations will be spoken cryptically.

Like any good, old Panic! song—in which the song title NEVER HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE SONG ITSELF—every exam you’ll take in this class will be absent of anything the syllabus “prepares” you for. Make like a raven and fly outta there (lol, Poe jokes).

It’s in Comm Arts at 8a.m, and there’s a strict attendance policy: Unless you’re one of those freaky morning people, nobody has time for that shit. 8a.m.’s already suck; why make your life a million times harder and attend one all the way in BFE, and one you can never skip? Chances are your professor is actually Satan for enforcing such cruelty, so it might be best to dip out.

Well, there you have it. Six solid reasons for why you should drop that class. Now rush to Schedule Builder and GTFO of this lovable bunch of academic losers. There’s plenty of cinch classes out there, and we hear there’s plenty of openings in Horse Behavior and Welfare. Giddyup!

8.) Online Shopping. A LOT: It sucks trudging through the snow up to Grand River. As the winter months approach you’ll find yourself increasingly spending nights cuddling with your laptop, browsing page after page of online stores. And once your first package arrives, you’re addicted because it’s basically like a secret admirer just sent you a present! You get the thrill of ripping the box open even though you know exactly what it is, and… your secret admirer is yourself. Womp womp.

7.) Riding the Bus: The bus is awesome. We recommend buying a bus pass for both semesters, just because it’s convenient as hell. Friends want to go to Meridian Mall? Party in Chandler Crossings? Class on the other side of campus? BUS PASS. You’ll learn to love the bus and you’ll start refusing to walk anywhere. You live in Case and have a class in Holden? Eh… Better take the bus.

6.) Functioning on Zero Hours of Sleep: When you get back from a party at 4 a.m., all you’re going to want to do is climb into your cozy, clean bed. But just as you’re changing into your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle PJs you’ll remember that you have a five-page essay due in a few hours for your 8 a.m. class. And you don’t even know the topic… Welp, you’re in college. Get your laptop and start writing the most shitty and incoherent paper of your life.

5.) Doing Fun Shit for Free: MSU has awesome stuff happening on campus daily. Almost every weekend at Wells, there’s free GOOD AND RECENT movies, plus free popcorn. There’s bowling in the Union, ice-skating at Munn, craft nights and a bunch of random coolness like the annual drag show (with professional drag queens), a student film festival… Pay attention to the paper thingies on every table in every cafeteria. They’re replaced weekly and tell you all the stuff happening on campus. And bring your student ID! 4.) Valuing Your Student ID More than Your Life: You need that thing. You cannot survive a day on campus without it. If you don’t have your student ID, you can’t eat in the cafs, can’t swipe for credit in a lecture hall, you can’t even get up to your dorm.

3.) Meeting Cool People from Around the World: Sitting next to you in class could be a student from France, Mexico, China, ANYWHERE. MSU has an awesome International Student Program and recruits students worldwide. Don’t believe them when they act like they can’t understand you. They do, you’re probably just annoying.

2.) Using “MSU People Search” To Stalk Potential MSU Hotties: You think you’re a stalker now? IT HASN’T EVEN BUGUN. Welcome to the world of “MSU People Search” where you can enter in someone’s name and find out their home address, email address, grade, major and phone number.

You’re welcome, you creepy son of a gun.

1.) Actually Paying Attention to Sports: You may not have liked sports before you were a Spartan, but once you start going to MSU it becomes a law. Watching the games will fill you with so much pride. Plus, you go to school with these famous athletes! If ANYTHING, watch the games so you can recognize if you have them in your classes.

Katelyn Hallup Wrote This

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A Simple Guide for

DORM DRINKING Danielle Jacosalem Wrote This

Welcome back, Spartans. We’re sure you’ve heard about the many wonders of East Lansing, but don’t forget that home is where the heart is—and the best place to drink if you find yourself too lazy to walk up and down Grand River. Sometimes your dorm room is the best place to kick it, as long as you know how to successfully pull off a gathering in the joint.

There are a few guidelines to drinking in your room, the first being to pick your poison.

Considering you’re still in a dorm—a true college student—you’re working with the cheapest of liquors. Popov is no Ciroc, but it’ll get the job done, especially if you run it through a Brita. Filter your alcohol, add a splash of pop, and class up your night by putting it in a plastic champagne flute.

The most important part of drinking in your dorm room is to assess your location. If you live in the scenic but inconvenient North Neighborhood, you might run into some spatial issues. The old school dorms are beautiful, but things look a little suspicious when six girls walk to the bathroom thinking they’re not being loud. Also, take into account your escape route if the RA on duty comes knocking. In North, you either have to be agile enough to climb in the above closet storage space or land a jump.

On the other hand, dorm drinking in East, South, or Brody is another experience. Unlike North, you can fit ten to fifteen people in your room. Also, with the comfort of a suite-style bathroom in East or South, you can easily shove everyone into the other room if trouble starts.

Make sure your suitemates are cool though, because there’s no interruption like a bunch

of drunk people.

Now, your RA is not the enemy. They are just trying to get through the school year with as little interference from you as possible. Make sure to get on their good side as soon as you move in. An RA who likes you will look past you playing beer pong in the lounge; one who thinks you’re an ass will write you up faster than you can say “it’s only five percent!” They’re students just like you and understand that you just want to kick back with a couple of drinks.

Unless you get a completely evil RA who looks for excuses to nail you, they’ll probably turn their head.

Speaking of students, think about who you’re inviting. Sure, that kid is super-fun at frat parties, but no one needs him singing “Wagon Wheel” for your whole floor. And having an even ratio is awesome, but everyone, including girls themselves, know that more than five ladies is asking for a noise complaint. Dorm drinking should be intimate. All you want are your friends, laughs, and maybe the guy who lets you drink his booze for free. Definitely that guy.

There isn’t really an art to dorm drinking-- it’s actually the easiest, laziest thing you could do.

It’s underrated and ignored, mostly because there are more interesting things to do. But when you’re tired, strapped for cash, and just want to hang out with your friends, why do anything else? You have the rest of your life to pay five dollars for shots, and people start judging your $14 half-gal when you’re a real adult. You’re young and you’ve got water speakers, a cafeteria with late night, and your closest friends. Need we say more?

The Dorm Room Shopping Drinking Game Baer Woods Wrote This

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again when every incoming freshman needs to furnish their dorm room. Usually this creates a terrible atmosphere for upperclassmen venturing to the local superstore— students who only need to re-up on a few new things. However, The Black Sheep has devised a drinking game for our veteran shoppers to make the trip a little more tolerable—and liquor-laden.

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

Liquor of your choice, flasks for every participant to smuggle in, and a ride to and from your local Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, or store of a similar caliber.

AMOUNT OF PEOPLE:

3-5, any more than that and you’re going to be spotted by a mom who didn’t like the idea of her son going to a state school in the first place; she’ll call the manager on you.

HOW TO PLAY:

Find a comfortable place within the store with a good view of the surrounding area; we suggest either the mattress section or the bean bag section.

06

TAKE ONE SHOT WHEN:

-A family member grabs a Michigan (or Michigan State) item and sarcastically says to their student “Guess we won’t be needing one of these, huh Jimmy?” followed by an eye roll from young freshman Jimmy.

-Every time you hear “Oh we don’t need one of those, I still have mine from when I was in college!”

-A younger sibling starts picking out items for when they need to start buying things for their dorm room.

TAKE TWO SHOTS WHEN:

-The student gives up and starts answering every question with “I don’t care anymore, you pick.”

-Every time dad smirks and points out red Solo cups or ping pong balls, saying “Say, Jimmy, you won’t need any of these will you?”

-You hear “Mom I will never need-- or use-- that.”

TAKE THREE SHOTS WHEN:

-You hear “Back when I was in college…”

-Every time you hear “Well wait a minute, this one’s cheaper, what’s the difference?” after the student has already put an item in the cart.

-A parent starts using “we” to describe what to buy. (For example, “Now what else should we bring up to school?”)

FINISH YOUR FLASK WHEN:

-A mom breaks down crying and begs her child to attend the local community college because she can’t stand the thought of little Jimmy being so far from home.

-Little Jimmy is so fed up with his parents micromanaging every decision that he yells “You do it yourself!” and leaves the store.

GIVE A SHOT TO A STUDENT:

-When they hide all the Michigan gear and replace the display with Spartan gear. That kid’s gonna go far at State.

-The student has clearly left her parents at home and is just walking down the center of the aisle and tossing random things in her cart. Her dorm room will be an unorganized mess, but at least she is avoiding the drama and hassle of shopping with an overzealous mom.

THE GAME ENDS WHEN:

You run out of liquor—unless there’s a liquor store in the same shopping complex. Then, keep going!

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

The Black Sheep’s

Welcome Week Checklist Justin Sienkowski Wrote This

You’ve spent a small fortune on textbooks from the Student Book Store and you’ve gotten all new Spartan swag from Campus Corner to fit that sexy new summer bod of yours, but what about Welcome Week? Often overlooked in the back-toschool preparation process is the need to plan for what is Inarguably the most important week of the semester: the week that will set the tone for the rest of your life year. Welcome Week is as much of a tradition at MSU as painting The Rock and not making it to the football game because you pregamed a little too hard. Luckily, The Black Sheep has put together a thorough list of everything you will need to survive a week of nothing but turning up until you throw up.

An Alternative Place to Stay: Nothing begets a tumultuous year-long relationship with your roommate more than coming home from the first night of raging your face off to a locked door with Maria Sharapova-esque grunts coming from the other side. Make sure to have a home away from home, ideally one with a couch.

A “In Case Of Emergency” Bottle: It’s better to be safe than sorry. In this instance “safe” is having a backup bottle of booze to keep the party going

and “sorry” is not waking up naked in the 3rd floor study lounge of Armstrong.

An Old Hookup’s Phone Number: Tonight you struck out harder than a little leaguer facing a Justin Verlander fastball, and that bet that says you could get laid every night of Welcome Week hangs in the balance. Who you gonna call?

A Taxi Driver’s Number: Don’t be that lone girl stumbling home from Rick’s at 2 a.m crying while on the phone with their bestie because “Tyler was, like, totally flirting with Jenny.” Instead, call a cab and spill your heart out to one of the many wonderful and understanding cab drivers/licensed white-girl therapists.

A Plan B Party: No, not a party where an emergency contraception pill is included with the purchase of your Solo cup, but rather a backup plan in case that first banger wasn’t quite bangin’ enough for you.

A Well-Rehearsed Pickup Line: Practice makes perfect. You may not even remember the name of the sexy Spartan you’re talking to in your inebriation, but if you can flawlessly lay down that sure-fire pickup line slur-free you’ll be calling them “babe” in no time.

A Pseudonym: A distant relative of the fake ID, the pseudonym is a license to commit whatever regrettable action you wish while avoiding future repercussions, including, but not limited to, Facebook friend requests from that “guy who showed you his third nipple” you grinded on last night. Bonus points to anyone who can convince someone their name is Phil Ashio or Eileen Dover.

A Lighter: Lighters are the Swiss Army knives of the college student. Used for everything from opening

a beer bottle, igniting couch fires in Cedar Village, and, of course, lighting a cigarette, this simple device might be the “spark” your night needs.

Disposable Income: You have been working all summer, right? Now is the time to blow all that hard earned cash on that top-shelf bottle of scotch from QD you’ve always wanted. Ignore your friend who says it tastes like any other scotch. Is his scotch distilled 14 times and come in the shape of a dragon?

Check and mate.

NEW THIS FALL! • Mac n’ Cheese Bites • Mozzarella Stix • Onion Rings

MENNASJOINT.COM

115 ALBERT AVE. • 517-351-DUBS 790 S. HAGADORN RD. • 517-324-DUBS

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! “Thomas HARPER’S $3 T.G.I.F.” Mixer for neighborhood and MSU $6 = Wings + JAGER or J. VEGAS $11 = Organic Red On-Site Brew + Pasta Party on the Patio w/ LIVE Music IN&OUT

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

TUESDAY: Eat-A-Palooza presented by Gordon Food Service. All the food in the park is FREE! Tickets are only $19.

First pitch is 7:05 PM.

Friday 8/22

“Thomas HARPER’S $3 T.G.I.F.” Mixer for neighborhood and MSU $6 = Burger + JAGER or J. VEGAS $12 = Organic Red On-Site Brew + Penne Party on the Patio w/ LIVE Music IN&OUT Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

LAFCU Fireworks tonight!

First Pitch 7:05 PM

Sunday-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-barhospitality industry workers

LAFCU Fireworks and Lugnuts Charities Auction presented by Dan Henry Distritbuting! First Pitch is 7:05 PM!

Sunday 8/24

1/2 OFF SUNday FUNday KARAOKE Night (No Cover) 1/2OFF ALL DRINKS (yummy Bloody Mary’s) & PIZZAS $15OFF = 16” Pizza w/3 toppings + PITCHER of beer $11 = Bottle of WINE + 10” stone-baked Ch. Pizza $13 = PITCHER of SPARTAN wheat + 16” Ch. Pizza Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-your-own Bloody Mary Bar Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

First Pitch tonight is 5:05 PM!

Monday 8/25

“MONDAY FOOTBALL-MANIA” NO/Cover $0.50 WINGS + $6.50 PITCHERS of all BREWS 1/2 OFF 16” Pizzas & $3 Burgers Huge TVS on DECK Patio BAR w/ FIRE pits Birthdays Groups for the week ALL get VIP Cards Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

First Pitch tonight is 7:05 PM!

Tuesday 8/26

“DOUBLE DOWN TUESDAYS” (NO/cover) $3.75 OFF ALL Well DOUBLES, $1.50 OFF Pints+ $8 = Double Rum & Coke + WINGS $8.75 = Double Gin & Tonic + Hummus/Pita NEW patio BAR w/ LIVE MUSIC in & out

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Hungry? Good. It’s Eat-A-Palooza presented

by Gordon Food Service. All the food in the park is FREE! Tickets are only $19.

First pitch is 7:05 PM.

Wednesday 8/27

“Home of the 1/2 Off WED on FOOD & DRINK VOTED #1” $3 Burgers, $2 Wings, $7 Entrees, $6 Pastas, $4 Sandwiches, Stoned Baked Pizzas 10” $4, 16” $8, Michigan Salad $5.50, LiVe DUO Jerry & Gabe w/ Dj Frank Hudson & co.@10, DRINKS AS LOW AS $2, PITCHER $6.50, BOTTLE of WINE $7, Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Last chance for Lugnuts baseball - the final regular season homestand starts Saturday!

Thursday 8/28

“LADIES BEACH-ARAMA” (NO/cover) $2.75 Off Specials; LONGIsland, SexONBeach+ $6.75 = Beach Drink + WINGS $2.75 NEW Raspberry Wheat NEW PATIO ParTy BAR +LIVE Music Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Find us on Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram: @LansingLugnuts

Saturday 8/23

“FIRE & ICE BASH” $8.50 = ANY CALL DRINK + Wings $10.50 = Crafted Pint + Hot Italian Sausage Sandwich ICE LUGE +fire pits + live MUSIC in&out 11am-midnight FIREBALL special

Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

Voted BEST HAPPY HOUR noon-7pm

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU Scan to go right to the page!

PUB

The Bar Grid

EAST LANSING

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM) : $1 BURGERS, $1 WAFFLE FRIES 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

CRAFT DRAFT

SHOTS

SOFT 1/2 PARADE SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer Sunday Off-Day! 6pm - 10pm (Bellair, MI)

$5

TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 BLUE MOONMovie - COORSNight!

BREWING, 5.4% Witbier Friday (Colorado) $5

$3 All Draft Pints, $3 Jack Daniels $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

Show Time 7 to 11am: $5 Grey Goose GUINNESS - 4.2% IrishCocktails, Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD ADAMS, Hard Cider $3 Cinge, $3- SAM Fireball (Massachusetts)

Welcome BackAPPLE MSU! CARAMEL - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch Specials run Monday Schnapps 4 Sunday All DayVEGAS & Night!

JOHNNY -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5

SPECIAL NIGHT

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3Melon Schapps, Sprite JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 WashingJAGER BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 ton Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/ $5 FalafurgerPATRON Combo7 w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

4

Friday 8/22

4

MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, Fireball, Bacardi

$3.50 Captain Morgans $3.50 All Flavored Vodkas $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA $5 Domestic (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

& $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Saturday Drink 50: 4pm - Midnight HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% $0.50 Keystone, $4 Long Islands, Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 OffAPPLE Bottles & $1 - Crown Royal, Apple WASHINGTON American IPA (Bellair, MI) $4 $7.99 Reuben, $2.50 Bacardi Bombs Schapps, Cranberry 5 $12.95 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% Surf N Turf, $2CIROC off AllBOMB Veggie Entrees - 6 hefeweizen (Germany) $5

Closed for Detroit Lions Football!

Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5 FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% $3 $5 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) JAMESON - 5 $6 Oasis MarOasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas,

Sunday 1/2 Off Day! 6pm - 10pm LAGUNITAS - American IPA | 6.20% ABV California,garita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses, United States

$5 Whiskey Drinks, $5 Off Kabob Combos $2 Well For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER

COCKTAILS

CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.50 Domestic, $6 Premium $3 Blue Shots

$2.50 All Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Long Islands

8pm-Close: $2.50 All Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.50 Long Islands

MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice,

LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite on the rocks 6

$2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Premium/Micro/ Wisconsin, United States $3 horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7 Monday Open Mic Night! 7pm - Midnight Craft Bottles, $4 Featured Martinis, $2.50 $3.50 Washington Apples, $5.50 Patron, MASTER MOJITO -Bacardi Rum, lime juice, mint leaves, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV Glasses of House $6 soda 1/2 Lbs. simpleWine, syrup, club 7 Missouri, United Girl StatesScout $3 $3 Dirty Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Sunday 8/24

Monday 8/25

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

BEER BOTTLES

Dollar Bottle Beer - All Day! $3.50 Washington Apples, $5.50 Patron

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3 Platinum Bottles $3 White Gummy Bear Shots BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1 BURGERS, $1 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Saturday 8/23

4pm -

AMSTEL LIGHT 4 BUD LIGHT 3 BUDWEISER 3 BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 1/2 Off Crafts ALL DAY! HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD $2 4 Slider, $1 Coney’s, Midnight: MICHELOB LIGHT 3 $4 Long Islands, M.G.D 3 $3.50 Domestic Pitchers REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1SPICY Off Glasses of- All, ANAJEO MARGARITA Don Julio, Grand Marnier, lime juice, simple$6 syrup, chili powder 9 Our Made in Michigan Wines, Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai CARRIE BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored Vodka,orange Tai's, $3 Offliqueur, Select Appetizers cranberry juice, lime 8

Tuesday 8/26

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain

Morgan, Grand Long Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8 $2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5Tanqueray, 16oz Sicilian Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All MediMARTINI ON THE ROCKS - Grey Goose, dry terranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon&peel 8 Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 WHISKEY SOUR Crown Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6 Falafel Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wednesday 8/27

ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

MARTINIS

7

Thursday 8/28

GUMMY BEAR - Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, splash of sour and sprite 7 DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT FOOTBALL!

Local Fraternity Member No Longer Finds Peeing On Things Funny

With fall approaching all attention turns to football at MSU. Sophomore Mitchell Davis, a disgruntled soccer player, is less than enthused over all of the attention that football and its players get during the fall.

“Coming off of the FIFA World Cup and the US’s advancement to the Round of 16, people should be psyched to watch more soccer! I mean, I’m just as good as Clint Dempsey,” Davis opined to The Black Sheep. “People will feel stupid for ignoring me and my team when we play for the Men’s National in Russia in 2018!”

Lauren Masek Wrote This

Everyone reacts differently to the things that they see on their Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Charlie Peterson, a junior at MSU, has been looking at the real issues.

“I was just scrolling through my feed, making sure that my exes Chrissy, Maggie, and Lindsey were all still single and miserable when I saw something about a place called ‘Gaza’; sounds like a made-up country right?” Peterson said, pounding back a beer on his fraternity’s couch.

He continued, “It’s really made me rethink my life, y’know? I do stupid things; I pee on things to make my bros laugh.”

“Dream big, Charlie Peterson.”

“Man, I just think about people dying over there and here I am, pissing on someone’s bike because my bros think it’s hilarious,” Peterson said as he proceeded to pee in the fake potted plant next to the couch.

What started out as a stationary interview at DeMartin Stadium ended up being one held while walking around campus, ending up at Spartan Stadium, the home of Davis’ nemeses.

We didn’t know how to break it to him that people were only excited about the World Cup because it was an excuse to binge drink and buy into something, so we just put on a smile and let him continue his rant.

We asked him to kindly put his dick away, but this seemed to give him a brilliant idea.

“You know, I could get a sponsor to support the efforts overseas. For everything that I don’t piss on, I could earn like 100 bucks for it!”

“I’d give you 10 bucks if you went a day without pissing on my backpack,” Fraternity brother Ryan Michaels said in passing.

“See, I already have one sponsor!” Peterson crushed his beer can against his head then set to work on his plan for sponsorship. He was too happy about the prospect of helping people in another “country” that we weren’t going to discourage him. Dream big, Charlie Peterson.

“We play Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan…We’re just as important! Our games are free and we play more of them! This is bullshit,” he grumbled as he kicked a stone at Spartan Stadium. He looked at the building with hate; screaming, “What makes you so special?”

When he turned back to us tears were rolling down his cheeks, he whimpered “I just really love soccer and it should get the attention it deserves. We’re just as good of players as football players but we actually attend our classes.”

Surprisingly true words from an otherwise angry, sad, little man.

MSU Men’s Soccer kicks off the season against Washington on August 21st.

Lauren Masek Wrote This

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken, I guess.

Major: Advertising

Disgusting Drink: Warm gin

Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Ian Bennett, a bartender at Dublin who only wears a beard to hide his herpes.

What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of school? “Wasted” by Tiesto

If you were Spider President for a day, what kind of tarantu-laws would you enact?: All the spiders have to kill themselves.

Four words to describe MSU’s football season: Badass Motherfuckers, Go Green!

What’s the most college thing you’ve done since you’ve been back?: I went to a bar crawl on Monday. Heck, I’m still on a four-day bender.

Favorite Drink: Rumpletini Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze

Give us a bit of MSU –specific advice for incoming freshmen: Don’t lose your fake at Dublin

KATIE of DUBLIN SQUARE THE DRINKING GAME CENTURIONS OF FLOOR 9 We all remember that awkward first floor meeting freshman year – the one where your RA tells you not to drink and all that nonsense and has you play those ridiculous ice breaker games. Remember how useful those ice breakers were? Yeah, neither do we. You know why they didn’t work?

Because they didn’t involve playing the name game while taking a shot of beer every minute.

What You’ll Need: A couple 30-racks of beer, tall glasses, shot glasses, a round table, a very open personality.

Number of Players: 6+, or as many as your amount of beer allows. The less you know the people around you the better.

Level of Intoxication: “Wait… how did we not hang out in high school?

Oh my god, I totally thought you were too popular to talk to someone like me…”

How to Play: As the game’s namesake foretells, this is a game of Centurion. The objective of the base game is to take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. In addition to see who has the most alcoholic endurance, this iteration of the game also acts as a long-term

ice breaker exercise. Every 10 shots, the sub-game or topic question will change. The goal is to realize how easy it is to get to know people while drinking… as well as how to regret it come the next morning.

Shots 1-10: The Name Game: Starting you off easy here. “That’s Sarah and she likes salmon. That’s Andrew and he likes apples.” That sort of thing.

Shots 11-20: Speed Friending: After every two shots during this segment, switch conversation partners with each other.

Shots 21-30: Telephone: As things get a little hazy, play an ongoing game of childhood telephone. If the chain is broken, everyone must take an extra shot.

Shots 31-40: Trust Falls: Just like in camp, find out which of your friends would somehow catch you if you fell backwards off of a cliff. Please do this one on the carpet.

Shots 41-50: The Name Game II: Electric Boogaloo: Did you forget those names and their corresponding likes? Give out an extra shot to those who screw up the chain.

Shots 51-60: Two Truths and a Lie:

What would you trade for two more weeks of summer? My soul.

What is, like, so 2012?: “Drunk In Love” by Beyonce

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It is literally the funniest newspaper ever, and very informative.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER BACK-TO-SCHOOL BREAKFAST BAGELS

Since you’ve reached the point of drunken gullibility by now, this one should seriously screw some people up.

Shots 61-70: Charades: Team up with a buddy and see how well your friends can act out words with impaired motor capabilities.

Shots 71-80: Would You Rather…?: No matter which horrific, painstakingly difficult to image scenario you pick, everyone is sure to fall off their chair laughing.

Shots 81-90: True or Dare: Consider this the most scandalous ice breaker ever conceived. This late in the game, you can bet your ass that both dares and truths are going to be dark as all hell.

Shots 91-100: Secret Handshakes: You did it! If you’re still hanging on by this point, devise one secret handshake with a buddy. You’ll need all 10 minutes to get it down.

The Game Ends When: The 100 minutes is up and you had the pleasure of meeting new people or seeing your friends in an enlightening new light. Or if two once-strangers start making out in front of everyone.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Weeeell here we are again, kiddos, the beginning of a brand spanking new semester. For you uninitiated freshies out there, welcome to Recipe for Disaster, a series of weekly college food recipes even a blacked out Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t dare concoct. Since a lot of you first-timers didn’t know better to opt out of 8 a.m. gen-eds, most of you are going to have to learn to become morning people… and fast. The best part about this morning meal is that it won’t cost you (but probably your parents) a dime, since all of the ingredients can be found at your local dining hall. Upperclassmen can join in on the fun, but the expense of buying all of these items separately will probably drive you straight back to your classic “two pieces of bread with a dab of cooking oil in between” breakfast combo.

What You’ll Need: 6-pack of bagels (if you settle for plain, drop from this university immediately), packets of cream cheese (again, plain = “get the f*ck out”), bacon, eggs, sausage patties, assorted jam packets, hash browns, and literally anything else you can sneak out of the dining hall.

Fatty Factor: There’s a “freshmen 15” joke in here somewhere.

Let’s Get Baked: - Garb yourself in tracksuit-like attire/large overcoat with deep pockets and use your first meal credit to

enter the dining hall.

- Nonchalantly stash away the aforementioned ingredients wherever you can stuff them. Only experienced stashers should use anatomical cavities.

- Sneak past the card swiper and head back to your dorm room (we guarantee that the swiper will not care.)

- Layout a bagel and a half as if you would a tripledecker sandwich. Toasting is optional, but certainly recommended for those who aren’t certifiably insane.

- Begin adding desired stolen spreads. Remember, you’re in college now, meaning that no one is around to tell you what’s weird and what’s not.

Daddy says mixing cream cheese and jelly was weird. The Black Sheep says to douse that shit.

- Build your breakfast sandwich with your proteins, eggs, and starches.

- Use one of the thousands of Ziploc baggies your nervous-wreck-of-a-mother supplied you with for easy transportation.

- Realize you’re already 5 minutes late for your first lecture, say “to hell with it” and enjoy your sandwich while kicking back to Netflix.

There’s no reason why this feat can’t be more easily accomplished within the confines of the dining hall.

But then again, that means you’d have to talk to people… and NO ONE wants to talk in the dining hall.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

X I S AT

H W

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VIES

HT (AND O

H-SO W

College movies all follow the same vague thread: An underdog student or group of students face odds impossible to overcome until the third act hits and everything gets figured out and tied up in one nice, happy bow. Still, all these college movies get certain things right and certain things wrong about the college experience. This week, The Black Sheep looks at six of these college flicks to see where they shine, and where they’re shit.

By: Brendan

RONG)

COLLEGE MOVIE RIGHT & WRONGS

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VAN WILDER The Basic Premise: Lothario party boy’s dad stops paying for college, so he has to sell his party skills to pay the party bills.

GOOD WILL HUNTING The Basic Premise: A brilliant janitor at MIT faces a series of difficult life decisions after his brilliance is unearthed.

What it Gets Right: Staying in college forever is both awesome and terrible. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of something you love, like that case of trashy beer you clutch oh-so-tightly on a Friday night. And why not? A relatively carefree lifestyle intermingled with bouts of binge drinking is something that’s easy for most early 20-somethings to process. By year six, though, when that love of of party life has transformed into unwavering ennui and a sense that alcoholism is right around the corner, you gotta get out.

What it Gets Right: You’ll question your previous, postcollege friendships. Sure, you had some great times— you’ll never forget the time Brett threw a pizza on the roof—but edging into your mind is the inevitable, “Am I still similar enough to these people to consider them friends?” Inevitably, some of the people you hung out with when you were a senior in high school will not be the same people you’re texting every day when you’re a senior in college.

What it Gets Wrong: Oh, just every college party trope. A good college party is lucky to have more than a couple of kegs. A college costume party is lucky to have a guy who spent 15 minutes drawing stigmata on his hands, sombrero on hands as Hey-zoos, the Mexican Jesus. A college party with a tiki theme hosted in a gorgeous Malibu mansion has only happened in the wet dreams of hundreds of 15-year-old boys.

What it Gets Wrong: Professors won’t find you interesting, at all. We get it, you got a 29 on your ACT— that’s pretty good! What you don’t get, though, is…so did everyone else you’re sitting next to. Your take on Hemingway’s “Cat in the Rain” is the same take as four other students’. It’s the same as six students’ last year. And the year before. Hey, it was a nice try at being profound, but Professor Jefferson is going to have a TA grade it, she doesn’t have time for this shit.

LEGALLY BLONDE

OLD SCHOOL

The Basic Premise: UCLA grad Elle Woods chases her ex-boyfriend into Harvard Law, hoping to win back his heart.

The Basic Premise: Old guys tired of old-guy life start a new fraternity at a local university.

What it Gets Right: College is one of the last opportunities you’ll have to really follow your dream—fuck the haters. They thought Elle Woods couldn’t succeed in law school, but she got into Harvard and proved them wrong. They didn’t think pink would work, then it did. You—you’re not yet besieged by a crippling mortgage or two snot-nosed twerps, so take these four years to do you. Whether it’s weird facial piercings or the even weirder decision to double major in English and philosophy, make your own decisions, regardless of what others think.

What it Gets Right: Age does beget wisdom, even when it comes to partying. We hope even the most naïve freshman knows that inhaling a fifth of Smirnoff is some bad juju, but a college senior has more than that trick up his sleeve. Whether it’s knowing the last place in town that’ll sell whiskey on Saturday to the best way to clean a beer bong in under 2 minutes, hey, you’ll pick up thing or two long the way.

What it Gets Wrong: Still, no one trusts you with any actual responsibility. Would you, Mr. “I-Got-UpAt-2p.m.-Hey-At Least-It’s-Not-4p.m.”? For some reason Elle, a first-year law student, was allowed to participate in a real-life murder trial. Hah, so not college. Any job you’ll have in college will be menial at best and embarrassing at worst—you’ll have an ill-fitting uniform, just learn to deal with it.

What it Gets Wrong: If you’re partying with 30-somethings, they’re probably undercover cops. You know how when you party with someone notably older than yourself, it feels weird and creepy? Well, when you party with someone notably younger than yourself, it also feels weird and creepy. 30-yearolds are as afraid of you as you are of them—don’t hang out with one another.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS The Basic Premise: There’s a frat full of nerds and a frat full of jocks. Then, they clash.

What it Gets Right: Nerds rule the world.

So, turns out if you’re moderately bright and really passionate about something to the point you’re willing to commit your life to it, then you can assume a lot of power and make a lot of money doing that very thing. If that thing is outsmarting jocks, you can even make a cult comedy about it.

What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re handsome and athletic doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. Even Mark Zuckerberg, King Nerd, isn’t a totally heinous dweeb. Barack Obama is smarter than most of us and is a serious law nerd, and most women in his age bracket would admit that he’s better-looking than their out-of-shape schlubby-looking husbands. Brains and brawn aren’t mutually exclusive, regardless of what the media would like you to believe.

ACCEPTED The Basic Premise: A mischievous high schooler who fails to get into any of the colleges he’s applied to creates his own university where everyone is…wait for it…Accepted.

What it Gets Right: You’ll inevitably make friends in college. Among the tens of thousands of other students on this campus are a select few with whom you share very specific interests. Enjoy butt-chugging vodka on a Tuesday night? You’ll find someone who enjoys the same. Introverted neo-futurist LARP-er?

Hey, there’s a group that meets specifically for that twice a month! In college you have to actively try not to make friends; if you put yourself out there someone will turn up just as bizarre as you are.

What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re making friends doesn’t mean you’ll get the hot girl. Sadly, cliques still exist in college, and it’s not as different from high school as you might want to pretend.

Look at your peer group—these are the people you’ll date. If it’s full of uggos, get ready to be sleeping with lots of uggos.

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GOING IN BLIND

It’s that time of year again, summer has come to a close and school is back in session. You’re ready to leave mom and dad and get back to the fuckery that you left back in the spring.

Unfortunately for some, you’re stuck living in the dorms and there’s an impending doom amongst you because you’re going in blind—no sense of who your roommate is going to be.

How to Break the Ice

Moving in with a complete stranger is actually one of the most terrifying ideas ever. The person you’re living with could totally be a serial killer and you don’t know it. It’s essential that you and your new roomie form a friendship right from the start.

The quickest way to get acquainted with a stranger is to get naked. As soon as you move in, formally introduce yourself with your balls swaying freely in the wind or in your chesticles hangin’ loose. Once you’re both naked there’s essentially nothing left to hold back from one another.

Halie Woody Wrote This

Don’t beat around the bush with silly questions about what their hobbies are, what they’re in school for, blah blah blah… none of this matters. What you need to know is the important things.

Do they like anal? Do they prefer beer or Four Loko. Are they up before noon on weekends?

This will give you an indicator of how much of a wild whore your new friend will or won’t be.

After a rapid-fire round of 20 Questions, put on the outfit that most screams, “have sex with this” and hit the town. It’s Welcome Week, the possibilities are endless. Tonight will be a night full of inebriated adventures, because there’s no better way to get acquainted with a stranger than drinking copious amounts of alcohol together. This is the perfect time for both of you to explore the Michigan State campus and get in touch with its beauty by stumbling around drunk as a skunk in the wee hours of the night.

Once you’re both back into your dorm it’s a smart idea to try to make friends with the people on your floor. Throw an after-hours rager in the study hall. If anyone on your floor passes up this opportunity to turn up, you’ll be able to file him or her under “avoid at all costs.” Feeling out the behavior of the floor you’re on will bring you guys closer, you two can pick out the shithawks that you don’t like and it instantly gives you another subject on which you can bond. Nothing brings two people closer together than hating the same person equally.

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In the worst-case scenario your roomie may actually turn out to be that serial killer from Single White Female. You may wake up in the middle of the night to see them sacrificing a squirrel in the name of the dark lord or sniffing your underwear while rubbing one out to pictures of your dog. If this is the case it may be the time to seek a different roommate.

Good luck, incoming roomies.

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