The Black Sheep
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Vol. 9, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
8/21/13 - 8/28/13
The Black Sheep’s
Convocation Speech BY: Zoë Kremke Welcome back, you sexy-ass Spartans, for another fall in East Lansing. Starting another semester is always a delicious delight, primarily because of you, but also because of late night French toast sticks at the cafeteria. That being said, The Black Sheep is thrilled to bring you to and through another semester. Naturally, we’re even more excited about making the memories you won’t actually remember when Monday rears its ugly head. Just think of what this year could hold for us, fellow Spartans: the late nights at Club Lib, hung over Friday morning 8 a.m.’s, and those fantastic yet regrettable one night stands with that person whose name you attempted to secretly type into your phone…Roobort? Ah, yes, the new semester is filled with opportunity and potential. Summer is undeniably rougher than that under the table drug trafficking you accidentally got involved in during spring break last year. After all, moving back in with your parents to work an unfortunate part-time job can be excruciating. For starters, you feel obligated to put on real pants all the time, which should never be the case. And we know you had a meltdown when you realized your folks don’t keep tequila stashed under the sink in case of emergency. Fear not, Spartan. You’re home now in the great city of East Lansing. Where pants are optional and emergencies of all shapes and sizes are met with equal amounts of hard liquor and love. Look around you, Spartans. You are surrounded by your own kind now, not those non-State pansy asses you were stuck with over the summer. They will never understand you like your Michigan State brethren do. They don’t live the Sparty On lifestyle. They’ve never woken up in the middle of Adams Field on a Sunday morning wearing nothing but a floral print shower curtain and brushed it off as no big thang. They will never know what it is to tailgate with strangers and feel more welcome than they would at home on Thanksgiving. But don’t worry, you don’t have to pretend to like your summer friends anymore, you’re back at State and ready to put that life behind you.
only to dismiss the thought because the possibilities are too horrible to imagine. Go out Spartans, and dance passionately, though not particularly well, at The Whiskey Barrel. Give out your number to every smoking hot individual you see, with your only reasons being that you are past the point of what can sanely be considered “intoxicated,” and because you have a raging libido that cannot be contained by your typical lack of suave. Get bacon on your pizza because life’s short and bacon is worth your time, dammit. Hell, include bacon in your one night stand endeavors.
This fall, we want you to laugh. We want you to cry. We want you to wonder why your jacket smells like Lysol, gin, and marinara sauce,
Make your Spartan family proud. It’s a tall order, since most of us have stories that would give the average asshat a heart attack. But this
fall we each pull our weight, as individuals, to go above and beyond what is expected of us as Spartans. Don’t get us wrong; this will not be an easy task. Things might get a little sketchy. Actually, that’s sugarcoating it. Things will get downright fugly in our pursuit of the ultimately badass semester. There will be times when the only thing that keeps you holding on is that you’re not a Michigan fan. We promise that when a challenge is placed before you, whether it’s drinking, cramming, or trying to drink while cramming—you will succeed. Take in the wonderment of fall in East Lansing as only Spartans can: With intense sex appeal.
page 5
page 5
page 7
On Football: Beautiful, Beautiful Football
The top 10 Lie You’ll tell yourself about this year.
A Day in the Life: recounting your summer job
Football is back and everything feels normal again.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com
Your time in prison, better known as your awful summer job.