Michigan State - Issue 14 - 11/20/2014

The Black Sheep

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Volume 11

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 13

INTRODUCING: THE SHIZZONE MSU Staff wrote this We’ve all had those moments when an innocent fart turns into something a little more diabolical. Usually, these moments come when we’re alone, sitting secluded in the library trying to bomb the entire second floor, or casually with some friends on a Tuesday night. But what happens when this gut-wrenching experience of pure fear comes in one of the most crowded and close settings in the history of mankind: The Izzone?

Since The Black Sheep always has your back in tricky situations, we’ve composed a handy guide on what to do when you shit your pants in the Izzone.

PRE-GAME

If you’re standing in the midst of the Izzone and the Taco Bell you shouldn’t have eaten comes crawling down your leg, just stay calm.

Luckily, the games are so loud that nobody heard the scariest squeak in the history of bodily noises. This moment is crucial, if you scoot off to the bathroom, you’ll lose your seat, so tough it out and follow these steps: first, gather as many pre-game programs as possible. After assembling a few, pretend to tie your shoe and start wiping up your leg that’s surely nice and warm by now (if you’re really sly, you’ll be able to reach for the source of your problems, but only attempt if you are a member of Cirque du Soleil). Once you’ve wiped yourself up, be sure to throw the heaping bundle of shit-smeared paper into the opposing fan section.

MIDDLE OF THE GAME

This is a tricky, but nothing a reader of The Black Sheep can’t handle.

After you realize you’re leaking gut grease, immediately act like you’re unconscious and fall to the ground, preferably with a loud yell. Once you are on the ground, PLAY POSSUM. Someone will quickly call for a medic, and you will be carted out ASAFP. There’s no need to explain yourself, since everyone knows tons of weird shit happens to you after you pass out. If you can, piss yourself as well to really establish that you were out of control. Being carted out of the Izzone on a stretcher by medics is embarrassing, but so is trying to walk while preventing shit from leaking out the bottom of your pants (and ultimately failing—it’ll find its way out no matter what).

quickly, this shouldn’t be a problem. Once you’re in the bathroom, you will need to really work the arts and crafts. Grab a stall and stand on top of the toilet, delicately balancing so you can remove your pants.

Throw them into the toilet, and crack open the toilet paper dispenser because you’re not gonna need squares, you are gonna need rolls.

Strip down to the bare-ass you were born with and begin wrapping yourself in toilet paper, like a large shit-stained mummy. Once you’re

covered head to toe in Breslin single-ply TP, you are ready to emerge and make a run for it.

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LET’S GET BASTED!

BLACK FRIDAY DEALS FOR THE BROKE COLLEGE STUDENT

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

NO 3D TV’S HERE, SORRY.

JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.

END OF THE GAME

You may be thinking to yourself, “easy, just walk on out to a bathroom.” Well smart-ass, how are you going to walk out of Breslin with shit-stained Dungarees and not get a few questions? The first step is getting to the bathroom, since everyone wants to get out of there

WE’VE GOT THE BEST BOOZE TO MIX THIS THANKSGIVING, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.

Shitting yourself is no joke, especially in the greatest student section in the history of collegiate sports. We here at The Black Sheep hope this will never happen to anyone, but if it happens to you, your friends, or your enemies, be sure to send us the pictures.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU NOVEMBER 20th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, these headphones suck!

THE FRENCH RIPPER

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.

Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.

2

Born in Bothell, Washington.

3

Died in 2010.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS When you are Pizza Emperor for Life, the only pizza available to your loyal servants will be…

SCOTTY “Pizza from New Jersey.”

AMANDA “Goomba’s.”

MEGHAN “Margherita pizza.”

06

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

THE TOP TEN Ways To Spice Things Up in the Bedroom this Thanksgiving Holiday It’s the sexiest time of the year: Thanksgiving. We know it’s hard to keep it in your pants when you’re surrounded by warm, comfort food. It’s almost like the food is trying to seduce you... The sensual sloshing sound of the green bean casserole, the soft creaminess of the mashed potatoes... this food is begging to be included in your sex life. So, while your family is busy watching football, snatch up as much food as you can find for a lil’ afternoon delight.

WARNING: While it definitely throws a curveball to your bedroom tactics, The Black Sheep doesn’t condone the act of inserting Thanksgiving delicacies into your various bodily orifices. Number 8, for example, is a surefire way to get an infection and tragically die.

10.) Replace your regular lube with cranberry sauce: Cranberry sauce is slimy and tastes delicious. It’s like the pilgrims wanted us to use it as lube.

Drunk Student Kills Two Birds With One Stone Victoria Martin wrote this Jake and Corey were walking home from a long night of drinking cheap booze when they spotted a turkey on the River Trail. Being the drunken slut that he was, Jake decided it would be best to throw a rock at the bird. Upon impact, the turkey died instantly. “Oh man come on, you friggin’ killed it”, slurred Corey. “Well shit,” Jake responded, “let’s just drag it over here near the Red Cedar and cover it with leaves.” They did the deed and stumbled home to Emmons.

The next morning, the boys woke up and went to their last class before Thanksgiving break.

Jake could’ve sworn he saw a turkey in the shadows on the way to Wells. While he was in MTH 124, he got bored and looked out the window.

He thought he glimpsed a turkey lurking behind the trees. Again, he shrugged off the feeling. He thought it was just a coincidence, but on his way home from class, Jake felt like someone, or something, was behind him. When he turned around, all he saw was a tiny shadow ducking behind a bush followed by a light gobbling sound.

Jake didn’t realize how rare it was to see a turkey, let alone several, waddling around campus. Jake was unlocking his door while simultaneously thinking about all the sick jokes he was going to make with the turkey gizzard at home, when he suddenly collided with a large turkey – feathers were everywhere. Jake screamed, and the bird ran away too quickly for him to react.

Shortly after this incident, Jake went to change his sheets and found his bed smothered in mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and gravy – so much gravy. That was the final straw. “I must be getting punked or something. Where’s Corey, that little shit?” Then suddenly, something clicked. “What if… that turkey from last night… there’s just no way… it can’t be.” Jake decided to run and go check out the crime scene from last

night just to be sure.

When he arrived, the turkey’s corpse was nowhere to be seen. Jake stood there, dumbfounded, until he heard a low gobbling behind him. He turned around and found himself staring at 15 very angry turkeys and one skinny guy dressed as a pilgrim -- he looked hypnotized. “Look, guys, I’m—I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was drunk. I just—“ But no words could reconcile his mistakes. Jake didn’t realize that he had killed Gianmario “Little Jimmy’” Carvelli, the cousin of Aldone “The Juggler” Carvelli, the Don of a very dirty and notorious Turkey Mafia. The hypnotized pilgrim boy was the Don’s interpreter due to the fact that he was literally a turkey. The pilgrim spoke, “you killed a family member of the Carvelli Mafia and now must pay the price. Say your goodbyes.”

As the turkeys inched closer, Jake realized he was a man—a grown man—and these were just some dumb birds. He acted immediately by grabbing a rock and throwing it at The Don. Striking him in the face, much like his downed companion, the bird writhed wildly on the ground before gasping “spilt my wishbone, Momma” as his eyes rolled back into his head. Jake began to walk away, but the turkeys followed him – not threateningly, but respectfully. Was Jake the new Queen Bee? “Listen, fellas, I can’t lead your turkey mafia, you’re free to go.” The pilgrim boy translated Jake’s words in an obnoxiously human gobble, and they fled with the swiftness of a group of turkeys: slow, but steady.

Back at the dorms, he and Corey shared a blunt while trying to understand what had happened in the span of two days. They had no idea how they were going to explain this one.

9.) Gizzards = butt plugs: They’re naturally lubricated, so the addition of cranberry sauce is optional (though strongly encouraged).

8.) Use a turkey leg as a dildo: Depending on how blown-out your vagina is, you can either start out small with the bone end of the turkey leg, or dive right in with the big, meaty end of the poultrydildo for a satisfying finish.

7.) Hot gravy as a sensual massage oil: Turn your loved one face-down, ass-up and surprise them with this treat. The hot gravy will provide your lover with a warm, relaxed sensation pre-coitus, and you can lick it off post bang-out.

6.) Don’t have anywhere to put your dick? Stick it in a bowl of hot stuffing: The rough texture of bread chunks will rub against your fat dong, making you gobble gobble all night long. Stuffing not your style? Jam it in Aunt Carol’s famous green bean casserole.

5.) Use the leftover stuffing to give a blowjob with textural delight: Did Aunt Jan make too much stuffing again this year? No problem. Let the next lucky lady fill her mouth with stuffing and suck on dat dick like her life depended on it.

4.) Make love on a fluffy bed of buttery mashed potatoes: Lay out a tarp and create your own makeshift Tempur-Pedic bed out of mashed potatoes. Nothing could be better than doin’ it on a cloud of warm tater goodness.

3.) Turn your sweet potato pie into a sweet cream pie: Your man will love grandma’s homemade sweet potato pie recipe when he’s licking it from your lady parts. So spread your legs and ride his face off into the sunset.

Majestic.

2.) Stimulate your areolas with pumpkin pie: Don’t forget to give your nipples some TLC this Turkey Day. Shove your titties into the nearest pumpkin pie! The grainy texture will make your nips erect and ready to be sexed. (Bonus fun: Keep some extra pie in your cleavage as a snack during dinner).

1.) Out of ideas? Shove an ear of corn up your ass: If you’re tired of the mainstream ass dildos; switch it up this year by shoving an ear of corn up your ass. Let the kernels stimulate your b-hole and remind you of what you’re really thankful for.

Halie Woody & Katie Hallup wrote this

PAGE 6 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

TURKEY DAY

LET’S GET BASTED!

Liquors One Could Mix in Gravy Lauren Masek wrote this

It’s that time of year again — time to go home to the family that you hate and attempt to stomach their poor excuse of a Thanksgiving dinner. The second you arrive home, you’re already missing the comforts of MSU: your friends who know how to have a good time, the horrible caf food in Akers, the bar scene, and the copious amounts of alcohol you consume weekly — hell, daily. These fond memories give you an idea: put the alcohol you’d usually be drinking into your mother’s gravy. It’s the perfect way to ride that buzz while your uncle hits on his son’s new girlfriend.

off. On second thought, maybe you should save this option for your friends — no one wants to see grandma stripping and singing, “I’m too sexy for my cardigan.”

As your family coos over the new baby that your sister chose to have for some ungodly reason, you act fast. You have many options, so you’ll have to choose wisely. The Black Sheep is generous, so here are our takes on the best types of alcohol to add to the gravy — Not that we would ever condone that type of thing.

Peach schnapps: Or any schnapps flavor for that matter. The subtle flavor will blend in with the taste of the gravy, and just like with the vodka option, your family will be unaware that they are getting buzzed off of the dressing.

Vodka: As it’s virtually tasteless in gravy, you can add as much as you want and watch the hilarity ensue. This is foolproof unless you’re stuck with something awful like UV. Then they’ll know it’s in there, so just dump the whole bottle in and hope it doesn’t turn blue. Vodka is a surefire way to turn the party around and get your family in a giggly mood.

Tequila: Sure, people might catch on to the fact that there’s something in the gravy, but after smothering their food with it, they’re sure to forget. You’ll be doing shots of gravy off of anyone who isn’t a member of your family (your sister’s fiancé perhaps?) and going balls-to-the-wall. There’s a reason that they say that tequila makes your clothes fall

Fireball: This is everyone’s new favorite drink.

Add a few shots of it to the gravy and your day is sure to get turnt. Cinnamon gravy will be interesting, but it’ll be an adventure for everyone. Either your family will play the most hilarious game of Apples to Apples after binging on the gravy, or you’ll all be dead from the antifreeze in the alcohol by the end of the night.

Rum: No one’s favorite alcohol, your parents will have plenty of this in the back of the pantry.

Pick the least horrible-tasting one and pour half of the bottle in! Add some Coke too and you’ll have a delicious rum and Coke chicken gravy. Mmm! It may be unconventional, but once your family members make it to their third plate, they’ll be addicted to this new gravy flavor.

By the end of the night, your family will be wasted and you’ll be feeling pretty good about yourself. That is until you throw up because you chose the vodka option and added the full half-gal. You may regret it in the morning, but everyone will have that hilarious story about your heroics and how you saved Thanksgiving from being the boring affair that leaves a bad taste in the mouth, just like every year previous.

Bartering for Basketball Tickets Albert Maclin wrote this

A fierce do-gooder of Lyman Briggs College, sophomore Alice Lovegood was not the kind of girl to fall victim to life’s temptations. Alice volunteered regularly for the Association of Future Alumni, and was a loyal advocate of MSU’s LiveOn program. She enjoyed the alcohol-free Neighborhood Tailgate events hosted on campus, and based most of her morals off of the movie Blackfish. With her high grades and caring family, life was relatively simple for Alice. Simple, that is, until she found herself in possession of tickets to the Izzone.

Alice was not accustomed to the party life, much preferring to snuggle up with a book in the “quiet study” wing of the library. As a result of this, she was taken aback when the rowdier members of the MSU community began approaching her in the hopes that they could convince her to part with her basketball tickets by way of a trade. No student, they reasoned, could afford extra guac on their burrito, much less tickets to the little slice of heaven known as the

Izzone, so legitimate currency was out of the question. The bartering techniques Alice was exposed to were unconventional, to say the least.

Her first encounter took place at the intersection of Farm Lane and Auditorium as she was trekking home from a night of Cosmic Bowling at the Union. A group of inebriated gentlemen began catcalling toward her, and when they got close enough, interrogating her about whether she had basketball tickets. Alice nodded, wondering if boys usually asked questions like this when they saw ladies walking alone. The group became solemn, and informed her that if she was willing to part with the tickets, they had a “shit-ton” of “hella good weed,” they would be willing to give her in return. One of them even offered to acquire her a fake that would work at QD should she be generous with her tickets. Alice politely declined, and with a flick of her scarf, haughtily informed them that she would alert the authorities if they mentioned participating in illegal

activities again.

That Friday night, Alice attended an event hosted at the Eli Broad Art Museum and decided to grab some fro-yo from Tutti Frutti, the small establishment above Peanut Barrel, when she finished. As she passed Taco Bell, she was approached by a boy she had worked with in her biology lab. He was visibly intoxicated, and seemed to be very interested in something she had tweeted recently. “I saw you scored some bashketball tickets,” he slurred. “I would totally trade you some sexual favors for those.” As a leader in the feminist movement, Alice was inclined to refuse this offer. How dare this man objectify her as a person with tickets, much less a person with lady parts.

Upon her rejection, the boy realized that she was not interested in coitus.

“What about, like, my first-born child?

You can have it, I swear. I really need these tickets.” The idea of a cute baby excited Alice momentarily, but the impulse quickly passed. She ignored her friend’s pleas, finding solace in her

knock-off ice cream Before the game, Alice sat and dwelled upon the crude experiences she had gone through that week. She didn’t know much about basketball, but were sex and drugs really the methods to persuade her? She wasn’t certain, but she was logical, and that just didn’t seem right. She brainstormed all the things that she may have been willing to consider giving up her tickets for.

Puppies, Chipotle, maybe a shiny new iClicker case? Orgo chem is a cutthroat

game; she’d take anything that might score her some extra points with the prof.

Whether she was the sloppiest of sorority girls or the most proper of academic prodigies, Alice knew that nothing could compare to that slip of paper that granted her admission to watch the boys of the Breslin. The prospect of seeing Izzo in action would attract students from all aspects of life.

She wouldn’t trade her tickets for the world.

KEEP CALM

Molly Burford wrote this We all have those nights. You go home with someone you never intend on seeing again, and then bam! One day they’re walking down Grand River, and you have nowhere to turn; or so you think. The Black Sheep staff is full of in-demand people, so we have this situation happen a lot.

Here are some of our tried-and-true methods of handling encounters with the brand of human you hadn’t planned on seeing again.

RUN!: Run past that person with the speed they left your room. Knock down other people to get away if you have to. Your backpack will help you: Swing it with all your might and fly, you fool. While this isn’t the most inconspicuous option, it’ll be the quickest. Unless you’re a shitty runner; then you might just get beat up for being an asshole.

Run some game: If you’re not a fan of actual running, run some game—especially if you were a five and they were a four. You never know when there will be a lonely Saturday night in your future, and if you’re ranked higher, you totally have the upper hand. Pull out all your best pickup lines, or get straight to the point and compliment them on previously-used techniques. Wink. You’re golden.

Pretend to be the identical twin you don’t have: If they were way out of your league and tequila was your ally, it’s time to pretend you have a twin.

If he or she comes to say hi, give them a look that screams “I don’t know who the hell you are.” Once things become sufficiently awkward, giggle, and then say, “oh! You think I’m my identical twin, [insert your name here]! My name is Jamie.” Using an androgynous name will help in the deception.

Foolproof.

Never leave the house ever again: This is where being proactive comes into play. Never, ever leave your house for the rest of your Spartan career.

Take only online classes and get your friends to go grocery shopping for you. We promise you and your one-nighter will never cross paths again.

Call your mom (or brother, grandma, boss; whomever will answer): Nothing says “don’t bother me” like being on the phone. Call your mom, who you probably don’t call enough anyway. If she doesn’t pick up, go through your phone list and call each person. Hell, call Goomba’s if you have to and order some Pokee sticks. You’ll be supporting the economy and getting delicious food. Sounds like a good plan to us.

Jump in front of a CATA bus: Drastic? Absolutely, but The Black Sheep doesn’t half-ass anything, and neither should you! And anyway, this option is full of benefits. Not only will you get that hypothetical free tuition, but you’ll also avoid having that

awkward interaction with your hookup! Oh, and don’t forget all the sympathy you’ll get. If you’re a guy on crutches, for example, you’re basically the equivalent of a puppy owner. *Survival not guaranteed

Well, there you have it, you animal. A few options to consider when you see your one-night stand on the street. Or, you know, you could totally just say “hey” and keep walking and be a normal person.

Or just stare at the ground or something and not risk death. Up to you.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

What to Do When You See Your One-Night Stand in Public

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$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles

$2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

CRAFT DRAFT

SHOTS

Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch Go Green! Go White!

SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts Specials Run Monday JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American Sunday All Day & Night!

(2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier (Colorado) $5

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider $2 Wells (6-11PM) (Massachusetts)

JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells,

BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 $3 MicrobrewJAGER Shorts $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $5 and Brew 7 PATRON $3.50 Beef Schawarma SandBurger Special! wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Happy Hour 3-7

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% $2 Wells (6-11PM) hefeweizen (Germany) $5

SPECIAL NIGHT

HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% American IPA (Bellair, MI)

Fireball, Bacardi MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, $6 Chicken Schawarma

Salads

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Blue Moon Shorts $3 Royal, Captain & Bacardi Drinks, Apple WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown $4 Captain Morgan $3 Schapps, Cranberry 5 $2 Washington Apple Shots, $3 Johnny Vegas Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger CIROC BOMB - 6 Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft Happy Hour 3-7

FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5

Friday

HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5

JAMESON - 5

LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $3 Bells Two Hearted $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3 Jack CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) $3 Fireball CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/ Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

COCKTAILS

MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3

Thursday

Saturday

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,

MOJITO -Bacardi juice, mint leaves, MASTER $3 Rum, 16oz,lime Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda $6 7 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite the rocks 6 $5 OffonKabob Combos For Two Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

Sunday

& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

BEER BOTTLES

$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3

Premium/

lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 $5 Bud Light, Coors Light Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored$2.50 Vodka,orange Martinis, Glasses of House and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Happy Hour 3 - 7

Monday

Falafurger Combo

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8

$3- Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles Grey Goose, dry MARTINI ON THE ROCKS and 8Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel

$3 Angry Orchard Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6Mai Tai's, WHISKEY SOUR - CrownWines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Happy Hour All Day! $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, 7 $3 Off Select Appetizers

Tuesday

ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian

MARTINIS

Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $2.75 Corona, Corona Light $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, and Dos Equis $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our GUMMY BEAR Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, Mediterranean Wines,splash $2.49 Falafel Happy Hour 3-7 of sour and sprite 7

Wednesday

Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$3 Microbrew Shorts Burger and Brew Special!

Happy Hour 3-7

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT

Thursday

Quarter

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THANKSGIVING

Black Friday Deals for the Broke College Student Justin Sienkowski wrote this Black Friday is a beautiful semi-holiday when coupon-clippers everywhere go ape-shit nuts in order to get $50 off of something they don’t need. While college students like to take advantage of these deals, most can’t afford a plasma screen TV even if it’s marked down 99%. With that in mind, The Black Sheep created a list of Black Friday deals that would actually benefit the more modest, plasma-donating students of MSU.

Company: Conrad’s Product: Con-wraps Original Price: $7.25-$7.75 Deal: $2 off Stipulation: You must blow at least a page0.12 adblood-alcohol = 5” w Xcontent 5.5” on h a policegrade breathalyzer.

Nothing is more desirable than a hearty tot-filled wrap from Conrad’s when you’re drunk; not even sinking the final cup in a game of beer pong that just won’t end. Unfortunately, on such a tight budget, many students find

themselves forced to choose between being drunk and eating Conrad’s. When it comes down to it, alcohol is always priority numero uno, but with a little marketing genius, Conrad’s could make it possible to take pleasure in both. What college kid could resist the temptation of the ultimate trifecta of being bombed, smashing Conrad’s, AND saving money? Not a single Number One.

care about teaching their pupils, they should work with the bookstore to provide a buy-back deal to students who used their textbooks for more than just propping up that broken leg on the couch. The professor could pit two members of his class against each other in a Billy Madison-esque academic showdown to the death, with the winner receiving his or her money back.

Company: Spartan Bookstore Product: Any overpriced textbook Original Price: More than your monthly rent Deal: Refund the cost of your textbook purchase entirely Stipulation: You must be able to prove discernibly that you read more than two chapters.

Company: HopCat Product: Fancy-ass craft beers Original Price: $5-$10 per beer Deal: One free beer with the solemn vow that you never ever say Natty Lite is your favorite beer again.

What’s more important: massive profits or knowing you helped educate the future leaders of society? We’re going to pretend it’s the latter, just for the sake of discussion. If professors really

To many a young lad or lass, craft beer is nothing more than a pipe dream.

With limited funds, students must be efficient with their money and get as drunk as they can be for as little cash as possible. But just like a fine lay, it is about quality over quantity. This Black Friday you’ll finally be able to bump

uglies with that golden blonde (ale) you always see on the other side of the bar.

Company: Michigan State University Product: A college education Original Price: Roughly $22,000 per year Deal: $5,000 scholarship Stipulation: Must be able to do a 104-foot-tall beer bong off the top of Beaumont Tower.

Why is it always those nerdy overachievers who get all the scholarships?

If it weren’t for the hardcore partiers here at MSU, we would never take the top spot in any of those Top Party School rankings. It’s about time that the alcoholics get their due; after all, they probably do more damage to their body than any athletes do. Downing enough to beer to fill a 104-foot-tall beer bong in one effortless chug is more worthy of a scholarship than anything Andrew Maxwell ever did.

The only relevant shirts

IS BACK!

for football season

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Humanities Favorite Drink: Anything clear • Favorite Shot: Pixie stick Disgusting Drink: Car bomb What beer or liquor can most accurately be described as “the best of the worst”?: A 40-oz of Natty Ice. A warm shot of well gin is a good punishment for…: A terrible pick up line.

Why did the last person you kicked out of Peppino’s deserve it?: Being a bad representative of Michigan State after the OSU game, GO GREEN.

HEATHER of PEPPINO’S

THE DRINKING GAME

DEALING WITH FAMILY

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

marathon and cheesy breadsticks from Peppino’s.

Give us three words to describe MSU’s basketball season.: Izzone, undefeated, NCAA champs (Editor’s Note:…)

What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Chocolatecovered crickets.

What should church wine be replaced with?: Angry balls.

With Old Man Granderson hot on their heels, how will the gang get outta’ it this time?: Duct tape, a kiddy pool and strawberry Jell-o.

Your secret bartender hangover cure is…: Ginger ale, a Supernatural

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s actually good.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

THE FINAL POTLUCK

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HOW TO AVOID THE

WORST QUESTIONS

YOU’LL BE ASKED AT

THANKSGIVING Question: “Are you working at all?”

Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side.

Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes.

What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.”

What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”

Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?”

Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side.

Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married.

What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.”

What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”

Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school.

Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades.

What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!”

What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”

Thanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.

Question: “What are parties like in college?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you.

Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything.

What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.”

What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”

KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS

Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?”

Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?”

Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink.

Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s.

What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.”

What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”

Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side.

Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing.

What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.”

What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”

Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?”

Question: “Have you found a church at your school?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19.

Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here.

What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?”

What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”

Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?”

Who’s Asking It: Your dad.

Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to.

What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.”

What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”

Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side.

Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell.

What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.”

What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”

Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.”

Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side.

Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it.

What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.”

What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Cites Student Debt, Climate Change as Reasons Sparty Shadows wrote this

Early this morning, a public statement from the infamous Williams Hall Ghost was issued in the form of what appeared to be blood, but was later found to be spaghetti sauce, smeared on a Williams Hall basement wall. The statement read: “I’m on strike. Kids don’t scare anymore. F--- this. – Williams Hall Ghost.”

“Student looooanns!” Dave let out in a deep howl, “How am I supposed to scare a student when the average kid here has over thirty grand in government debt!? That’s the most horrific shit ever! I just can’t compete.”

The Black Sheep, with help from the MSU Paranormal Club, contacted the Williams Hall Ghost, who goes

by Dave, last Tuesday. We confronted Dave about his noticeable distress. “What’s wrong, Dave?” we asked, hoping for the best, but praying for the worst.

Initially, everyone in the basement nodded in agreement, each stating his or her own respective student loan debt before Dave interrupted: “Stop! I don’t want to hear it! I’m dead, and I still wouldn’t trade death for a life under crippling government debt! Just for trying to get an education? Let me tell you something: I died getting crushed in an elevator shaft, and that is still more tragic.”

“Ughh, what’s right?!” the ghost exclaimed. “Kids don’t scare anymore! I can’t get a single tear; not one blood-curdling scream!”

We implored Dave to list other reasons, as we simply didn’t believe student loan debt was the only thing keeping him from scaring millennials.

We asked him to elaborate. “Look,” Dave whispered with breath that smelled like a 100-year old fart.

“There are simply too many other things to be afraid of these days. Ghosts are so 1994. Nowadays you’ve got Ebola, ISIS, the Kardashians, need I go on?” We assured him that he made his point clear.

But everyone’s afraid of coming into contact with those things, so we asked Dave some studentspecific fears that trumped his ghoulish ability to scare.

“Well, let’s see,” he said sarcastically. “Earth is set to be in shambles in about thirty years due to climate change, and your government is busy making it harder for women to get abortions and taxing retirees’ pensions. Sure, when I was alive we had to deal with the constant threats of typhoid, scurvy, and being killed in duels, but at least with those you knew what you were getting into! Kids these days, they’re just too jaded! The other day, I appeared in front of a freshman’s mirror—a

freshman—and the kid barely batted an eyelash.

He just turned to his friend and kept talking about an all-Republican Congress and how the new head of the Committee on Environment and Public Works published a book called: The Greatest Hoax: How the Global Warming Conspiracy Threatens Your Future… and to be perfectly honest, I was a little

bit freaked out! That’s when I knew it was time to go on strike.

“Yeah, now you get it,” he said. We sympathized with Dave, informing him that it was a brave new world, and that maybe things weren’t cut out for a ghost like him anymore.

PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WILLIAMS HALL GHOST GOES ON STRIKE

THE BACK PAGE

THE BACK PAGE

CLUE BANK

the GETTING DUMPED LIKE A PRO madlib

1) Week day 2) Weekend day 3) Building supply 4) Crush's name 5) Social Media site 6) Shitty Beer 7) Relative 8) Nearby town 9) Flavor 10) Type of soda 11) Dorm with a great cafeteria 12) Favorite meal 13) School subject 14) Girl you hate 15) Your high school best friend 16) Type of liquor 17) Main road in town 18) Color 19) Flower 20) Type of cat 21) Awesome cat name 22) Crazy celebrity 23) Late-night food place 24) Soda from #10 25) Badass celebrity 26) Body of water

This past weekend, I got dumped. I should have seen it coming, but since I’m usually drinking ___1___ through ___2___, I guess everything was a little fuzzy. The writing was on the wall, but it still hit me like a ton of ___3___ . However, like a strong woman once sang, I will survive.

We fell in love - or something like that - during welcome week. I saw ___4___ sitting in his dorm room, with the light of ___5___ on his laptop illuminating his gorgeous face. He was about to shotgun a beer - a ___6___ , my favorite, and I was already smitten. My roommate’s ___7___ ’s cousin from ___8___ suggested we walk in and ask for a chaser for our ___9___ vodka. He said they only had ___10___ , and that’s totes my fave. I shrieked with the excitement of our instant connection, and they invited us in to take shots until we couldn’t stand anymore. I was drunk… and in love.

But a few weeks later, in retrospect, is when things started to go downhill. First, he didn’t invite me to dinner in ___11___ on Wednesday - our day - and it was ___12___ night, and he knew I waited all week for that. He also told me that he had to study for ___13___ with ___14___ which totally bummed me out. Later, when I was creeping by his closed door for the 10th time that evening, I heard some annoying girl-laugh and fell into a depression. After much over-analyzing with ___15___ and sipping on ___16___ , we knew what we had to do; we had to Catfish him. But before I could even make a fake Gmail account, I had already passed out.

NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016

So this past Saturday I did what any normal, insane girl would do; drunkenly freak out on ___17___. He said we had to stop seeing each other when I started going on and on about how his ___18___ eyes wouldn’t match the ___19___ I’d have in my wedding, anyway, plus he’s allergic to cats and I was definitely going to have a ___20___ named ___21___.

He said I was “more psycho than ___22___” and left me in the street to go to ___23___. I followed him in there, only to fill a cup with ___24___ and pour it on his head in front of everyone. I felt amazing getting escorted out by the manager, like ___25___ riding a jet-ski in ___26___ and I realized that I would be okay. I would survive, and I will survive.

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