Michigan State - Issue 14 - 4/17/2014

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The Black Sheep

JOI

Vol. 10, Issue 14

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

NIN FREE G TH ... LI E AR KE KO F LO

VE.

4/17/14 - 4/23/14

RED CEDAR FLOODS,

MSU STUDENT BLAMES GAY MARRIAGE MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS The Red Cedar River has flooded, as it always does around this time, though the rising levels are especially high this spring. Thus, an MSU student has attributed the flooding to the temporary legalization of gay marriage in Michigan and has started construction of an ark with plans to flee the state in protest. “Obviously the Red Cedar flooding is a message from God and the message is that gay marriage is wrong. It’s a tragedy in the making,” Darren Kimble said. “I tried to warn you guys about the gays, but you all just made fun of me. Well, guess who’s laughing now? God. God is laughing. And crying. It’s the rain. Tears of laughter.” His roommate, senior Sam Ryder, was able to provide us with some insight about Kimble’s ark-building process and the motives behind it. “He spends all his free time working on the ark. It’s nice because he’s never here anymore,” Ryder said. “He’s been making a lot of grilled cheeses, too,” Ryder added. “He said he hopes he’ll get another sign from God like that lady from Texas claimed to have years ago. He’s been stealing my bread, though. And he always burns it so the apartment smells terrible.” Bread isn’t the only thing Kimble has been stealing, according to MSU culinary workers. He has been caught taking trays from cafeterias across campus, which he has been using to put together the ark. “Yeah, he totally takes like eight trays a day,” cafeteria worker Kelly Hendrix said. “My boss told me to stop him, but I really don’t want to have any interaction with that guy,

so I just look the other way.” When asked about his thefts, Kimble said, “I don’t want to use wood because I don’t think two hard pieces of wood should ever be touching.” Oddly enough, when Kimble showed us the blueprints for the ark, there was only one entrance—through the back door. When asked about his design rationale, he said he just went with his intuition and that it “just felt right.” Besides putting the ark together, Kimble has also been attempting to gather others to join him on his journey. He has been sending out invitations to heterosexual couples, urging them to board in pairs. So far, no one has shown interest in joining him. Apparently the invitations have found other uses, however. “I used my invitation to clean some dog shit off my shoe,” an anonymous recipient said. We interviewed another recipient of Darren’s “ark of love” invitation who expressed similar disinterest. She requested anonymity as well to avoid embarrassment. “I didn’t even read it. I just used it to spit my gum out,” she told us. “I mean, the invitation says we have to be married to board the ark, because ‘God will be watching us procreate.’ I’m not married, but if I was there’s no way in hell I’d get on that janky boat.” Kimble has expressed frustration in the fact that nobody seems to agree with his views or wants to join him on his homemade ark. “Most people I give an invite to don’t even look at it and use it for disposing of trash.

It’s maddening. Doesn’t anyone care what I think? Doesn’t anyone care what God thinks?!” he said. According to sources, Kimble has had some luck with the Wells Hall Preacher, who has been seen helping him build the ark. There have also been packs of raccoons spotted hanging around the site. Wildlife experts say the animals are not likely to be interested in boarding the ark, but do want to lick scraps off the cafeteria trays. One important question remains: Where

does Kimble plan on going once his ark is complete?

“That thing is going to sink straight to the bottom, along with this kid’s archaic views.”

“I didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but probably Florida. I know they believe my views and the shape of the state is cool, too,” he noted.

“We’re never going to get those goddamn trays back,” Food Services Coordinator Pam Lehey lamented,.

Kimble said he plans to leave as soon as construction of the ark is complete. Engineering professors and architectural design students have expressed grave concerns with the structural build of the ark. MSU professor Dr. Lawrence Carter said,

The story of Darren Kimble and his ark will likely come to a conclusion in the next few months, as water levels continue to rise from spring rains. What will happen when the ark sets sail is anyone’s guess, but if all else fails, East Lansing raccoons have truly appreciated it.

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PAGES 12-13

TOP TEN: REPLIES TO SLACKERS BEGGING FOR NOTES

STARBUCKS EVENINGS COME TO EAST LANSING

JESUS OF BLAZERETH

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE SEMESTER WHEN SLACKERS SPAM YOU FOR NOTES.

THE HIPPEST WAY TO GET BLITZED ON COFFEE AND BOOZE.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.


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