MSU SPRING ISSUE 14

Volume 12

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

FRE of g E! Lik oin e th g co e fe mm elin and g o...

Issue 14

THE BEST WAY TO

CHEAT ON FINALS Staff wrote this

With finals fast approaching, every Spartan is looking for the best ways to pass their classes. Some choose to study and exemplify hard work—and seriously, screw those kids. Anyone who tried so hard this semester that they can promenade into the exam, get a 50% and still 4.0 the class clearly doesn’t know what it’s like to binge watch all of Marvel’s Daredevil in one night. Take The Black Sheep’s advice on the best method to get a respectable 3.0 in the class by cheating on the final exam.

For starters, plan ahead. This may actually require you to go to the study session two nights before the exam, and we promise that will be the hardest work you put in on this strategic mastery in passing. In the study session, the professor covers all relevant information that one will need to excel in the final.

After all, you can easily fit 16 weeks’ worth of material into a two-hour review, which explains why you skipped class the past month.

As you now have all the relevant notes and answers, it’s time to find a way to intertwine them into your everyday surroundings.

Sneak into your classroom the night before and discreetly hide a few equations in areas visible to those facing the professor, but not visible to the professor herself. If this isn’t possible, put some are on the ceiling tiles. Since exams are often placed in giant lecture halls, even if the professors DO spot your mischief, they won’t have adequate time to remove the tiles nor change the questions on the exam. By this method, not only are you helping yourself, you are bettering the environment for all Spartans!

The next step in prepping for this exam is to tattoo some form of answer on your body. It would be preferable to have a tattoo not easily accessible to the professor’s eyes, however, your professor cannot discredit any tattoo visible on your body, even if it’s a 500-word reproduction of Eisenhower’s Military-Industrial Complex Farewell Address plastered on your chest, or a simple

Callan-Symanzik equation written on your forearm. It’s not your fault you own an appreciation of quantum fluctuations and how they alter distances.

The last step that will make you a true magician in prepping for this inevitable 78% on your final is to pull the old, “write answers on the professor’s back,” trick. Most consider this impossible, but you’ve made it this far! Have a buddy distract the professor while you spray neon pink paint in the shape of answers up and down her unsuspecting spine. That way whenever she wanders past, eyes sharp looking for cheaters, she will be none the wiser as you stare at her when she walks away, answers in tow.

If your professor springs a Blue Book exam on you, don’t fret!

Head up to Student Services, grab a few books, and start writing every essay you can possibly think of regarding the topic of your class. Even if you didn’t read any books for class, start scribing Sparknotes verbatim on to the pages. Simply keep them in your pocket and if the professor says it’s time to pull out Blue Books, *BAM*, you’re set for that 20%.

Follow these steps and not only will you waltz out of your examination period with a smile on your face, but you’ll also earn at least a 3.0 while hopefully not getting expelled.

PAGE 5

PAGE 9

TOP 10: REASONS TO DAY DRINK

TAKE YOUR MAJOR, YOUR NAME, AND YOUR DRINK OF CHOICE AND FIND OUT!

IF THE FIRST LADY IS BEHIND IT, DO YOU REALLY NEED ANY OTHER REASONS?

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

A BREAKDOWN WHAT HAPPENS DURING AN HOUR AND FIFTY MINUTE CLASS. IT’S NOT PRETTY.

APRIL 22ND 2015 - APRIL 29TH 2015

PAGES 12-13 THE BLACK SHEEP FINAL EXAM HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT US? ENOUGH? WE HOPE SO...

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MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Adelaine Lazzel

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PHOTOGRAPHERS Siobhan Findlay, Damani Gatewood

WRITERS Sam Metry Katelyn Hallup Max Harder, Danielle Jacosalem Justin Sienkowski, Halie Woody Andrea Jablonski, Victoria Martin Becky Stanish, Katherine Smythe DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Garrison Rasmusen

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

CONQUISTADORM A man or woman who demands entry into the dorm he or she lived in freshman year, but in which he or she no longer resides.

VICK THE SLICK

“Sherri, a true Conquistadorm, demanded to be let in to room 305 even though she hadn’t resided in there for 3 years and the freshman living there now was obviously just hooking up with a guy.”

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz?

Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS IF VEGETABLES HAD PERSONALITIES, WHAT ONE WOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND? ELIZABETH

“Carrots, because they are tall like me.”

BING

“Potatoes are easygoing and everyone likes them, and a potato would make a good wingman.”

RACHEL

“Carrots, because orange is my favorite color.”

06

GET OUT!

HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR ROOMMATE THIS SUMMER Claire Stark wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Reasons to Day Drink We’ve all had those days. You wake up after a rough Saturday night with a face tattoo of Mitt Romney. Or maybe you’re the type to shotgun a few beers after failing your MTH 103 class for the third semester in a row. Hell, you might be that kid who takes a shot for every minute the CATA bus is late. Everyone has reasons to drink, but in case you’re feeling guilty or alcoholic-y, here are ten more reasons to make sure your day drinking is always justifiable to your concerned friends, family, and youth ministers.

It’s been a hell of a semester so far, and one thing is for sure—if you’re like most human beings, you’ve come to the point of almost murdering your roommate a few times this past school year.

Yeah, the first weekend living together was great, and first semester wasn’t so bad. But after eight months of tolerating a banana stealer/cocaine dealer/any other type of shitty person, you don’t know if you’re going to make it until your lease ends. Fear not, The Black Sheep has some strategies on how to get your annoying roommate out of the house this summer.

Suddenly become a nymphomaniac: If you fancy yourself a Casanova, this technique is for you. This is a feat that cannot simply be accomplished by one sexual partner. You’ll need an entire rotation, and unless you’re looking to add a roommate who requires a crib, make sure you’ve got some sex gloves before you spread that sex love. Build a sex dungeon in your living room and confess to your roomie that you’ve been holding back your weird sexual tendencies all year long. If they aren’t running when they see your pop-up sex swing and riding crop, you have bigger issues.

Become a hoarder: For this method, you don’t really need to become a legitimate hoarder. You just need to find as much shit as possible and cram it into your tiny apartment. Throw some trash around too, so you can establish an odor to your homemade landfill. Your apartment was already a dump before you moved in, now you just have to add some ambiance. If your roommate attempts to clean, make the second coming of the mess even worse. Sure, it’s disgusting and you might die being smothered by a stack of unread copies of The State News, but c’est la vie.

Start a squirrel family: This is a move only a squirrel whisperer can accomplish. Start it off with one squirrel; keep it in a little box and tell your roommate you just wanted a pet squirrel. They’ll be weirded out, but they’ll shake it off. This is your opportunity to get really, really weird. Start bringing more and more squirrels home and make yourself a little squirrel family. Imagine you’re Ash Ketchum, and you’ve gotta catch them all. Either the smell of your little squirrel compound will drive your roommate to move out, or they’ll get rabies from one of the little nuggets you brought home.

Whoops.

Play country music on the hour, every hour. In fact, just become a hick: Here at The Black Sheep, we try not to have too deep of a bias against country music. But let’s be honest, who really enjoys country? To get your roomie out, you’ll need to go full hick. Make your home look like the inside of The Whiskey Barrel on college night, and strictly enforce that the only alcohol allowed in your apartment is either moonshine or camo Keystone Lights. Replace your wardrobe and theirs with flannel. You might even want to start littering hay all over the ground. If they don’t get hay fever, they’ll hate you for your obnoxious gas station trucker hat.

Any one of these methods is sure to have you blissfully alone within a matter of days. Take caution at combining any of them though, because once you reveal that you’re a nymphomaniac squirrel-breeding hoarder hick, there’s no going back.

10.) Michelle Obama says that you need to eat breakfast every day: Who has time to make themselves a nutritious breakfast every morning before their 8 a.m.? Having beer for breakfast not only provides you carbohydrates to fuel you throughout the day, but it also will ensure that your class will be extra fun!

9.) Jesus did it: In the Bible, Jesus drinks wine multiple times. It’s not clear what time of the day he was drinking wine, but if you try to interpret the Bible after you’ve had a few drinks, it will be pretty clear that it drinking wine any time of day is following God’s word.

8.) Daytime is boring: Nothing fun ever happens before noon, so why not be the life of the party? Steal a car, kiss a girl, take off your clothes. These are all things you can do to spice up your day once you have a few drinks.

7.) You hate yourself: You can’t escape from your feelings in the darkness of the night, so why not escape in a dark glass of Guinness instead? The best way to forget about your parents’ divorce and the premature death of your beloved family animal is through 12 shots of Fireball.

6.) It’s cheaper than drugs: Sure, it’s preferable to shoot up some heroin during the day after you prostitute yourself for $6, but heroin ain’t cheap. Drinking shitty alcohol provides an inexpensive “high” that you hopefully won’t die from. Stay away from drugs kids, just stick to the Burnett’s.

5.) School sucks: Homework is hard and teachers just don’t understand. Have a few early morning margaritas and soon you won’t be worrying about school, you’ll be worrying about the spins.

4.) You’re ugly: On a scale of 1-10 you’re a soft 3, and you’re probably only going to date 1s and 2s. Day drinking allows look past outer beauty and focus on what’s really important: how much money a person has.

3.) It’s a sign of maturity: Sure, people cut loose and get turnt at night all the time, but those are the people who haven’t really made it in life. The real MVPs of the world (think Bill Gates, Hugh Hefner, Lindsay Lohan) definitely drink during the day to use their nights for high-risk drug deals and totally legal stock trades.

2.) It makes food taste better: Caf food sucks, but after a few drinks, your hamburger lunch will taste like filet mignon. Darty hard enough and you won’t even realize you’re in the caf!

1.) You’re going to die anyway: Day drink because it’s fun and because being “responsible” is overrated. You won’t be able to do this in ten years. YOLO, right?

Katherine Smythe wrote this

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The Pros and Cons of Having an Orgy Halie Woody wrote this

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have multiple dicks filling every orifice in your body?

If so, you might want to consider having an orgy! Pump the brakes before you put that Craigslist ad up, though! First you need to consider the pros and cons of having a hot n’ sweaty sex pile. The Black Sheep has graciously laid out all the things you should take into consideration beforehand.

Pro: Orgies help you to explore your potential as a porn star.

If you’re not really doing so hot in school anymore, but are still passionate about penis, orgies are a great way to explore new life options. You can finally start to live for yourself and pursue that career in porn that you’ve been dreaming of ever since you were a little girl. we all know hitting it raw just feels so much better than wearing a condom, so don’t ruin the pleasure potential of this shenanigan by being a square and having “safe sex.”

Con: You only have two hands.

Unless, of course, you’re an Animorph who morphs into a spider when you’re in sex mode. An Pro: You’ll learn recent American history. orgy calls for at least 6 dicks and 3 vaginas to be in the equation, otherwise you can’t call it an Having an orgy is basically a time machine back to Woodstock. Everyone in the ‘60s was having orgy. With only two hands things can get overwhelming. This is where you’re going to have to orgies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you’ve always wanted to know how your washed-up see what dat mouf do and suck off someone else. Use that body, and be creative! parents did it, just arrange an orgy. Throw on some Hendrix, and you’ve basically managed to travel back in time.

Pro: An orgy allows you to explore your sexuality.

If you’ve been questioning what exactly you’re into sexually, an orgy will open up a portal to Con: Health code violations are everywhere. answertown. After you’ve had a dick in your butt and tasted a cooter casserole, you’ll be able to You bet your sweet ass you’ll be eating lots of ass in an orgy. It will eventually just transform into sort out what you really want in life and in you. If nothing is clear post-orgy, you might consider one giant human centipede, so not only do you have to consider contracting gonorrhea, but you fucking a goat or any object, animated or not. Necrophilia’s next on the list if you’re too insecure could get pink eye if any of the poop particles flying around land in your eye. We recommend and nervous to fornicate with a living thing. wearing safety glasses during your sexcapade.

Con: You don’t know where they’ve been.

A hearty serving of assplay with nine or ten people could do us all some good, but just like The chances of contracting an STD or two run high when you’re playing with multiple peenys anything in life, it has its downsides. It’s up to you to decide from here on out whether you want and ginys, especially when you’re going to be pulling these freaks off of Craigslist. The thing is, to cross a ménage à more-than-trois off your bucket list.

Burritos Gone Wild Andrea Jablonski wrote this

It was a starry, warm evening in East Lansing. Students were out drinking and screaming about where they would satisfy their drunchies, so Paul decided it would be best to stay in tonight to avoid the hangover. Paul was a lonely Qdoba burrito, no quesadilla had lain in his bowl in over two years, and from time to time he felt pretty soggy about it. He spent most evenings alone on the couch, watching dirty pay-perview Taco Bell commercials to satisfy his needs, but tonight the usually spicy chalupas just weren’t bringing the sour cream.

It was getting pretty late, so Paul decided to turn off the porn and put on some Wheel of Fortune reruns instead. It was almost 3 a.m. when he noticed a particularly steamy commercial come on. Paul heard a sultry whisper come from the TV. “Do you ever get lonely at night? Wish you had someone to talk to? Well don’t worry, we have plenty of hot, fresh, local burritos just waiting to chat up your burrito bowl. Just call 1-800-SPICY and we’ll make sure you guac ;)” Paul was immediately horny.

Feeling his beans rise in his tortilla, he wasted no time dialing.

“Hola” said the voice on the line, “My name is Cindy, I’m from Chipotle, what about you?” she asked. Paul was already nervous, he’d never talked to a Chipotle burrito before. He lied and said he was from Chipotle, too, It just sounded so much classier. “Wish you were here with me,” Cindy pouted.

“Oh yeah,” Paul replied. “What would you do to me?” Paul asked as he nervously awaited her response. “First, I’d slide you right

out of your cute little tin foil to heat up your rice and beans.

Then I’d pour hot, cheesy queso all over your soft tortilla body,” Cindy whispered while Paul stroked his fajita vegetable, about to erupt with sour cream. “Come over,” Paul begged, quaking with desire. “What do you want me to wear?” she replied. “I’d love if you wore guacamole pasties, but go ahead and surprise me — I’m ready for anything.”

Paul was surging with sexual energy. He was a bit worried about not being from Chipotle, but unless she tasted his guac she would never know. He lit some chip-scented candles to set the mood and laid out the finest lettuce sheets in his bowl.

He cozied up in finest foil, leaving it unwrapped just a little so she could catch a glimpse of his goods when she walked in. He texted her his address, and it wasn’t long before she said she was on her way. This was a union that was about to end the fast-food feud between families everywhere, and Paul couldn’t wait.

Paul heard a knock at the door. “Come in,” he moaned. “I can’t wait to stick my beans in you.” Cindy sensually squiggled into his room. “Let me turn the lights off to set the mood,” she whispered as she slipped into his bed. Things heated up right away, Paul was just about to slip on his bean casing when he noticed something was wrong. He kissed her one last time and tasted verde sauce. Suddenly he smelled something that definitely wasn’t from Chipotle, it was much greasier.

He got up and flicked on the lights. Cindy struggled to cover her loose cheese with a blanket. “You whore! You’re not from Chipotle! You’re a chalupa! I’d know Taco Bell anywhere!” He screamed in a fit of rage. “I can explain!” Cindy protested, but Paul was just not having it. “No need,” he hissed, “I can’t believe I almost stuck my beans in your Grade-D beef!” Cindy ran out of the house, clinging to her taco shell, leaving behind a thick trail of GMOs and zesty pepper jack sauce.

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THE BEST PLACES TO FIND A SUGAR DADDY WHO SPOILS YOU RIGHT Stephanie Burnham wrote this

Rather than searching high and low to find that special someone to “challenge you intellectually” or provide you with “emotional support,” consider a third option: the Sugar Daddy. Loaded with hella hunnits, this man is your dream. Sugar Daddies present an option that takes zero effort, and can help you achieve your dream of re-watching Hey Arnold! with an honest man while also double fisting two 1.5-liter bottles of pink moscato.

Here are a few places around campus that will bring these deliciously loaded men to the forefront of your life and provide you with the opportunity to pounce.

Department Faculty Meetings: These men are bright, intelligent, and perhaps a bit quiet, but they are more than willing to spend every extra penny on you. The older and quieter the better – these are the ones that will be easily titillated by the thought of the fresh and fancy youth you possess.

They also aren’t married, judging by their social skills.

Even if they are though, it shouldn’t be that much of a bother. The key to making this relationship work is to find a discreet place to meet. The basement of Curious Bookshop should work nicely, and will also make him feel right at home.

Dormitories: No, your friend’s cute 40-something-year-old dad who comes by for a few minutes on the weekend is not an acceptable candidate (though dads make wonderful Sugar Daddies). We’re talking about RA supervisors, the poor souls who still LiveOn at age 35. They obviously have something for broke, blooming college students if they’re still on campus, right? Stop by, start a bit of conversation, and proceed to take all the condoms from their desk while making direct eye contact. You’ll know if they’re interested when they ask you where you’ll be using all of those pink and blue rubbers. Whisper,

“I‘m saving the yellow one for you,” and consider it a done deal.

Frat Houses: Really. Promising. Candidates.

Men of the fraternity system are frequently born into money, so the Sugar Daddies produced are in good, reliable financial standing, a crucial characteristic if this thing is going to work out for you. These Daddies will still let you get as drunk as you want, but this time around they’ll have the courtesy and funds to pay for it all. Tan, rich, and probably the owner of a boat, he tweezes his eyebrows every morning in the hopes of meeting some hot young thang — to not find him would really be a disservice to you.

Dah Bank: Plan a day to post up outside of the bank of your choosing and monitor the cars that come in and out.

Mercedes? Ferrari? Lambo? Bingo. When they walk up, make a comment, bat your lashes, and compliment his thick leg hair. Do whatever you need to do to make him fall in love with you. If you’re feeling bold, perhaps sneak a peek at his deposit. This will ensure your pursuit is of true monetary worth. If it’s looking good, price this at an extra $200 a week really to milk the cow.

If you’re willing to give him some lovin’, these places are sure to find you what you need: a real man with a giant, throbbing wallet for you tease and play with.

If you make the right moves, you’ll be rewarded with showers of cash, and in the end, you’ll be able to bat your eyelashes and squeeze every last cent out of that irresistible bulge in his pants. Remember ladies, in this case, size does matter.

The Black Sheep is Hiring Ad Reps do you like to make a few extra bucks?

trying to get some real experience?

quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs

THE BAR GRID

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off

TUESDAY: Dollar Deal Day! $1 Hot Dogs, Ice Cream Sandwiches and Pepsi! First pitch is 7:05 PM

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

THURS. 4/16

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

It’s Labatt Thirsty Thursday! $2 beer available throughout the game. First pitch: 7:05 PM

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 SocoLime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Tomorrow is Beerfest at the Ballpark! Get your tickets at BeerfestattheBallpark.net

$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

FRI. 4/17 SAT. 4/18

3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)

Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-barhospitality industry workers

Do you have your Beerfest at the Ballpark tickets?

It’s today from 3-8 pm!

Go to BeerfestattheBallpark.net for info!

$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

SUN. 4/19

1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-your-own Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m.

- Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurantbar-hospitality industry workers

Follow us on Twitter & Instagram: @LansingLugnuts

Closed waiting for Detroit Lions football!

Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

MON. 4/20

1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

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MONDAY NIGHT PARTY 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots

Sporcle Live Trivia!

7-8pm and 8-9pm

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

TUES. 4/21 WED. 4/22 THURS. 4/23

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

The Lugnuts return Friday with LAFCU Fireworks!

$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles

$1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY!

Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Visit Humphrey at the Lugnuts game next Wednesday!

(Yes, we really do have a camel at the ballpark!)

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Every Thursday is Labatt Thirsty Thursday! $2 beer will be served throughout each game. Join us on May 21st!

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 SocoLime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

$2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

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How Will YOU Kick The Bucket During Finals?

Victoria Martin wrote this

So, you’re going to die. Hey, at least you won’t have to take finals. To play this game, choose one item from the left side of each column that best fits you. Then, combine everything on the right side of each column to see how you’ll die. For example, if you’re lame and you just pick the first choice in each column, you’ll die drowning while break dancing on the Red Cedar River, which makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

College You Belong To=What You Were Doing Business – Break dancing Engineering – Pogo stick practice Natural Science – Playing hopscotch Education – Sewing a bunch of turtlenecks together Lyman Briggs – Doing squats with Magic Johnson Agriculture and Natural Resources – Training for a hot dog eating contest Arts and Letters – Finger painting at the Landshark Comm Arts – Lathering yourself in BBQ sauce Honors – Unintentionally sexting your grandma Human Medicine – Chugging a fifth James Madison – Naked tap dancing Law – Escaping a stage-5 clinger Music – Writing an angry letter to Burnett’s Nursing – Fantasizing about cat porn Osteopathic Medicine – Stuffing marshmallows into every orifice ROTC – Tying a police officer’s shoes together Social Science – Giving Mr. Spirit a lap dance Vet Med – Doing the worm on a water bed

First Letter of Your First Name=Where You Were A - Red Cedar River B - Union basement C - Botanical Gardens D - Brody elevator E - CATA station bathroom F - 4th floor Chem Lab G - IM West boys locker room H - Jenison Fieldhouse pool I - Vet Med sewer

J - Club Rush dance floor K - Behind Rick’s bar L - Booth of Conrad’s M - Deja Vu’s parking lot N - Dantonio’s office O - Top of Beaumont Tower P - Hamster Cage Q - Line at Rama R - Copy center in the Main Lib

S - Taco Bell T - 2nd floor of McDonald’s U - Lou K. Simon’s back seat V - Your bedroom W - Cedar Village X - Giant hole in Munn Field Y - Night Owl Z - Cow farm

Favorite Drink=How You Die Gin and Tonic – Drowning Bell’s Two Hearted – Frozen nipples Long Island – Heart attack Four Loko – Overdosing on Adderall Tequila shot – Broken esophagus Fifth of Burnett’s – Fapping with shoeshine Rum and Coke – Overdosing on carrot juice Bud Light – Attempting teleportation Jack Daniel’s – Accidentally launched a missile Mojito – Getting stuck to the floor Pint of R&R – Beaten by your own wooden leg Jagerbomb – Slapping the bag so hard it breaks the 30-pack of Rolling Rock – Rioting sound barrier Pink Blush Franzia – Overactive glands

STAGGER HOME PIZZA SPECIAL! $4.72 Thursday - Saturday | Midnight - 3AM

Medium Pepperoni or Cheese Pizza

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BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

PAULA AT THE RIV

Relationship Status: Single as f*** Major: Psych and criminal justice Favorite Drink: Sweet tea vodka, peach schnapps, lemonade, and Sprite Favorite Shot: Bombs Disgusting Drink: Long Islands What winter drink plays worst in warm summer weather?: Fireball. Just Fireball.

What beer or liquor has the biggest discrepancy between how much it costs and how much it SHOULD cost?: Any domestic – people complain to me about prices all the time.

Would you rather lose three fingers or your foot? Explain: My foot because you just can’t do prosthetic fingers.

What’s been your greatest brush with celebrity?: I’ve actually never seen a celebrity in person.

Where’s the strangest place you’ve found yourself not wearing underpants?: If I told you I’d have to kill you.

Is a hot dog a sandwich? Why or why not?: Yes, it’s two pieces of bread that just happen to be connected.

Who is the Mayor of Pleasuretown?: Your mom.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a grand old time.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BIKINI BOOZIN’

BEEFY BURRITO

Since Mother Nature is finally giving us consistently good weather, you can find the majority of campus hanging out at a pool. You know, a cramped one filled with as much chlorine as there are used Band-Aids. We’re going to make laying out at the pool a bit more fun than usual.

With the semester coming to a close soon and the sun shining on the regular, there’s no better time to whip up a massive burrito. Who even has the time to wait in that line for one of those? Follow this recipe to make a meaty burrito quick enough to make and eat in front of your foolish friends waiting in the Chipotle line.

What You’ll Need: Your bathing suit, booze, and beach bod. The latter’s entirely optional, since there’s no way in hell you kept that going after spring break.

Number of Players: 2+, you and the girls you’re laying out with.

Level of Intoxication: You won’t realize that tan is actually a sunburn. Pink, orange… what’s the difference? SUMMER. How to Play: Take 1 drink…

-For every triangle bikini you see. No, don’t stop. May as well keep on going.

-Every time some dude cannonballs and splashes everybody.

-When said gentleman realizes no one outside of middle school gives a shit about cannonballs anymore.

Take 2 drinks…

-For every person’s beach body that isn’t quite beach ready…

-If you see a girl actually in the pool and not worrying about her tan.

-For anybody who’s passed out and veering on the whole second-degree burn, red lobster bandwagon.

Finish your drink…

-If there are no chairs available! Time to go home!

The Game Ends When: You pass out and wake up with the worst sunburn of your life. PCB won’t save you now, pally.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You’ll Need: Ground beef, tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and guacamole.

Fatty Factor: This burrito can certainly feed a whole family, but this one’s just for you, yourself, and Yaakov. So, you do the math.

Let’s Get Baked: -Put a skillet on the stovetop, turn the heat on medium, and throw your ground beef in it. Season the sunnuvagun with salt and pepper.

-Dice the tomatoes up and chop the lettuce, careful not to chop your fingers. Playing adult is hard, isn’t it now?

-Don’t forget about the meat on the stovetop! Stir it occasionally until it’s cooked all the way through.

-Once it’s cooked, it’s time to assemble your burrito. Start with your tortilla and just kind of toss all that shit in there.

-Add a couple spoonfuls of guac (be generous) and sour cream.

-Wrap your burrito like you’ve seen the employees do it… like a giant, hastily-prepared taco…

Now you’ve got one of the biggest and best burritos in campustown without having to stand in line or deal with all the basics. Be sure to stay by a bathroom because large quantities of Mexican food run through your intestines very quickly.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WAYS TO FASHION A BAGEL INTO A WEAPON Becky Stanish wrote this

These delicious doomsday devices might appear to some as one of the lesser intimidating breakfast foods. How exactly can this pantry item hurt another human being? The Black Sheep investigated this issue, and our Food to Weapon research has given us the following results.

According to science, physics, and people who look trustworthy when they wear glasses, if a bagel is thrown at a certain trajectory and superfast speed, it can cause some pretty major bruises. This might not seem like a bad injury at first, but just wait. When a victim is asked how they got those nasty bruises, their answer can take a major toll on their self-esteem. Getting hit by a bagel can cause intense PTSD, and also severe sadness that its deliciousness went to waste after hitting the ground and not being saved within the limits of the Five Second Rule. You think bagel projectiles are a joke? Try being on the other side of a drunk dude who used to play baseball in high school and decided to chuck bagels at you for fun. You don’t forget that.

One way to really cause some damage is to insert razor blades into the bagel. While the cushioned exterior might gracefully smack someone in the face when thrown, once they pick it up and decide to eat it…. That’s when things get real. The victim’s face might not have been compromised in any way, but the instant those blades hits the large intestine, bring on the blood. It is assumed that this was the method of terror implemented by partygoers after the Elite Eight win this March.

Another clever way to turn an otherwise harmless object into a form of modern-day artillery is to target those allergic to gluten. As society’s current source of all evil, gluten has the ability to really set its victim back a couple days. One accidental slip into the mouth can cause a world of hurt for some students with weak colons. The butthole blowouts these guys will experience are certainly an issue that deserves to be brought to attention from the ELPD.

Several weeks ago, East Lansing celebrated MSU’s win over Louisville in a way for which the world was not quite prepared. In the mess of students jumping and yelling in Cedar Village, an estimated 150 bagels appeared out of nowhere. Before this terrifying circular apparatus was introduced to Michigan State, students would revel in their basketball wins by simply starting fires and flipping over cars.

After the Bagelocolypse of 2015, East Lansing will never be the same. Nor will anyone ever really know what could be considered a weapon. Perhaps in 2016, the student body will turn to pool noodles to set a record for concussions formed within a half hour. Or maybe it will be an abundance of State News newspapers

that will send everyone into a highly opinionated and slightly annoyed riot. Either way, the ELPD, otherwise known as the glorified lunch ladies of East Lansing, will be on the case.

How to Declare a Major When It’s Time to Declare a Major Garrison Rasmussen wrote this

Fellow Spartans, as you finish up your sophomore year (or senior year, for the more The Black Sheep type), you’re likely still struggling to declare an actual major. You’ve gotten the snooty email from the undergraduate advisor, or even more ball-shriveling and terrifying, the confidential message from the Registrar’s Office. Here is the best advice The Black Sheep has to offer when the nervous sweats happen as the year comes to a close and you’ve no idea what to do.

The most reasonable thing to do is cause a diversion with your undergraduate advisor as a means to distract her from sending you snide messages about declaring a major. The next advisor meeting you schedule, walk in and distract her.

Diversions can range from throwing up all over the floor to exemplify your dire need of Olin’s services, to walking in belligerent, red-faced, and flipping her desk over while you scream about your childhood. She will take pity on you either way and kindly call security to escort you out the building. By the time she’s finished, she’ll have forgotten about asking about what major you want. Score.

Tell the security guards before they take you out, though, that you must assist your advisor to the bathroom. You need to return to her good graces, and helping her clean your bile off her is a great foot in the door. Clear the bathroom to give

her some space, followed by turning on all the faucets not only to set up a bigger diversion, but also to provide some steamy comfort as she hopes she avoided any transferred disease from your excrement.

While she’s cleaning herself off, you need to sneak out.

This is why the faucets are on. You can do the honest thing and stay with her while she wipes away the sadness, or you could be a Spartan, go for the win, and change your transcript by entering good grades in classes from the major of your choice. Wait until she starts wiping off her glasses, and quickly bolt, calmly shutting and barricading the door behind you.

After you return to her office, take a seat at her computer, where your transcript was innocently left up on the screen.

Navigate the decrepit internet “MSU 2.0” and enter newer, improved grades for yourself. Go crazy; you have all the freedom in the world! We advise some cushy, easy job, like in the engineering field. Enter grades for all the prerequisites you need, as well as a few fun electives just to lie and say you had fun in college. Feel free to enter as high as you want; entering a 4.0 or 5.0 may seem a tad sketch for every grade though, so give yourself a couple of 3.5s. Be kind of humble, bro.

At this point, only one thing separates you from graduating in a month. Find the field on the screen of graduation status, and enter, “To Graduate.” Call your parents and alert them of all the fortunate events that just occurred. They’d be proud of the hard work you put in for roughly fifteen minutes.

Enjoy, smarty pants, and congrats on walking on that stage.

Don’t trip!

A BLACK SHEEP EXAM

THE GONZ WROTE THIS

The Black Sheep Final Exam The final requirement for graduation that isn’t listed on any of your curriculums is The Black Sheep final exam. All the knowledge that you learned over the course of four years within a copy of The Black Sheep will be tested. Only the best and brightest can pass, and only those people go on to achieve moderately-paying jobs in the field of their degree.

Section 1: Verbal Reasoning

The following questions use sections from past The Black Sheep articles. Circle the logical word choice to fill in the blanks.

The cartoon part of the movie begins with SpongeBob all excited to become the manager of the new ___(1)___, but he doesn’t (SPOILERS) get the job. I think it’d be ___(2)___ to be in charge of the Krusty Krab. It’d also be awesome to be in charge of The Black Sheep. If I was in charge of The Black Sheep, I’d make sure every article of every issue would be about how ___(3)___ fat ginger kids are. Fat ginger kids are the worst. I’d also put a picture of ___(4)___ in each copy of The Black Sheep because I admire him as an actor. But I can’t do that because my bosses are fucking ___(5)___. (Don’t tell them I told you that.)

1. McDonald’s Washington Redskins BMO Harris Bank 2. Swell Arousing Zestful 3. Soulful Squishy Freckly 4. Keanu Reeves Nicolas Cage Muhammad, Peace be upon him 5. Awesome Majestic Beautiful

“When I woke up, I saw that the sun was up, and I began to ___(1)___,” said Phil in the year 5015, somehow still able to communicate with The Black Sheep through our ___(2)___ skills in journalism. “Once I saw that the rest of mankind has transcended its biological roots by reaching the Singularity and becoming one with ___(3)___, I realized, Oh shit, I’m 3,000 years late to my ___(4)___ exam. This was the first time I’d ever overslept an exam, so naturally I freaked the ___(5)___ out.”

1. Masturbate Panic Vomit 2. Clemency Xanthippe Antebellum 3. Dogs Grapes Nature 4. Prostate Gynecological Chemistry 5. Cat Shit Fuck

Section 2: Quantitative Reasoning

Section 3: United States History

Provide a numeric answer.

1. The local bar special consists of wells for $2 and draft beer for $3. How much money can you spend before you receive a low balance notification from your bank?

Complete the blank with the correct answer.

1. The abbreviation for “United States of America” is __________.

2. How many The Black Sheep articles can a person read in a span of one 50-minute lecture?

3. The first Mexican president was __________.

3. A girl gave you her phone number last night, but you forgot. How many combinations of 7-digit numbers can you randomly text before you find the right one?

2. There are _____ stripes and _____ stars on the Chinese flag.

4. __________ is the official cloven-hoofed animal of the US. 5. Complete the National Anthem: “Oh but ain’t that _____ for you and me. Ain’t that _____, we’re something to see. Ain’t that _____, home of the _____, yeah. Little _____ houses for you and me.”

4. Calculate the difference between your GPA and a 4.0. How much do you have to add for sufficient self-respect?

5. There are five bars scheduled on your barcrawl. You plan to spend one hour at each bar. How much time will you spend on your barcrawl, accounting for rounding up stragglers, food stops, waiting in line, and passing out?

Indicate which value is greater.

1. You have a 9 a.m. class. Which quantity is greater: the number of consecutive classes you can sleep through or the number of hours you will spend cramming for the final?

Section 4: street smarts Select the correct answer.

1. Liquor before beer. Are you in the clear?

In the clear Never been sicker 2. Never stick your dick in _____?

Mailboxes Chocolate Milk Crazy

2. You drive a Ford Focus. Which is greater: The number of miles per gallon or the number of chicks willing to bang you?

3. A dime bag costs?

1 dime

3. Your university charges X amount for tuition. Which has greater value: $X or your English degree?

4. What happens if you give a pig a pancake?

He will be satisfied.

He will want syrup.

4. On an average day, which number is greater: the hours you sleep, the hours you are awake, or the hours you are drunk?

5. Which direction do even-numbered Interstate highways run?

North-south East-west South by Southwest

10 dimes

100 dimes He will shit in your house.

North by Northwest

5. On a number line, which value is greater: -50 or -100?

answer key

Section 5: The Black Sheep History 1. What year was The Black Sheep established?

1935 1802 2015

6. Where is The Black Sheep headquarters?

Cleveland, OH Guantanamo Bay

2. How many articles are published every day by The Black Sheep?

0.5 540 5,302

7. How many feral cats roam The Black Sheep offices?

20 25 800

3. How many university campuses have The Black Sheep publications?

1 2 3

8. What is the favorite food of your average The Black Sheep writer?

Mutton Lamb Chops Buttered Noodles

4. Who is the best writer for The Black Sheep?

The Gonz The Gonz The Gonz

9. What is the average number of alphabetical letters used in a single The Black Sheep article?

26 10 666

5. What was The Black Sheep formerly known as?

The Booze News The Beer Broadcast The Liquor Lowdown

Chicago, IL

10. How high can the average The Black Sheep writer count?

10 20 3

Section 1 Part I 1. Washington Redskins 2. Zestful 3. Soulful 4. Keanu Reeves 5. Any answer is acceptable.

Part II 1. Masturbate 2. None of the options are correct, so fuck you.

3. Grapes, obviously.

4. Prostate 5. Shit

Section 2 Part I 1. The answer is equal to the amount of money in your bank account 2. 50 articles 3. 823543 4. Answers vary per person 5. 12 hours Part II Answers will vary.

Section 3 1. US of A 2. 0 stripes and 5 stars 3. Thomas Jefe-rson 4. The Black Sheep 5. America, America,

America, free, Red White & Blue Section 4 1. In the clear 2. Crazy 3. 100 dimes 4. He will want syrup.

5. East-west Section 5 1. 1802 2. 0.5 3. 2 4. The Gonz 5. The Booze News 6. Guantanamo Bay 7. 800 8. Buttered Noodles 9. 666 10. 3

seen-n-find!

Can you find the 8 sheep? If so, email us at spot@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

THE POPSTARS CROSSWORD ACROSS

3) Charli XCX’s real first name.

5) Demi Lovoto was diagnosed with this disorder during her 2010 stint in treatment.

6) Mariah Carey expresses this holiday as her favorite.

8) This first season winner of American Idol, two words.

9) This pop star will release her 13th album Rebel Heart in early 2015.

10) Ariana Grande was born in this city, two words.

14) Katy Perry got her start singing this type of music as a teenager.

15) Taylor Swift infamously pulled her music from this music streaming service.

DOWN

1) Iggy Azalea moved to the United States from this country in 2006.

2) This popular English singer sadly joined “The 27 Club” in July 2011.

4) This pop star’s real name is Stefani Germanotta, two words.

6) Britney Spears was the star of this 2002 cult-film.

7) Whitney Houston is the only artist to chart this many consecutive Number 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits.

8) This pop star recently took the $ out of her name.

9) Adele was originally offered a recording contract by being discovered on this social media site.

11) Miley Cyrus put this type of dancing on the map.

12) Blue Ivy is this star’s child.

13) This pop star comes from New Zealand, and broke out in 2013.

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