Michigan State - Issue 12 - 11/6/2014

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 12

A FIELD GUIDE: WHY YOUR

TA DOESN’T GIVE A S*** Danielle Jacosalem wrote this Ah, teaching assistants. They’re a special breed, those who decide to join the ranks of hated people. But, no one really understands what a TA goes through. The Black Sheep gives you an inside look at what your TA really thinks of you.

Economics TA

Profile: Rocking a flow with his shiny leather boat shoes.

Life Goal: To be the next Jordan Belfort, snorting coke off of hookers. Little does he know he’s getting the wrong degree.

What They’re Thinking: “Dude. I’m just trying to make a little extra money while getting through my senior year. My office hours are never. I thought this job was going to be easy, but now I’m stuck for three hours a day reading the stupid papers that you guys are clearly plagiarizing. Normally, I’d look away at that Wikipedia quote you threw in about division of labor, but you’re kind of a smartass in class. This is why you don’t roll your eyes at me, son.

Yeah, fuck you too.”

ISB TA

Profile: This is the type of person who owns Skeletoes and bandanas.

Life Goal: To be Nigel Thornberry.

What They’re Thinking: “I get it—you’re not a science major. This is the last class that you want to take, and the last class you thought you’d ever take in college. You’re a freshman and you got stuck taking a class about bugs and science. No one ever told you that you’d have to play with termites and grow beans on your windowsill like you’re in kindergarten again. Lucky for you, I eat this shit up. I love this crazy nature stuff and I’m about to spend the rest of my life studying it. Strap on your Tevas kids, we’re getting wild.”

Math TA

Profile: Calm on the surface, until you get close and see their eye twitch. Streeeesssss.

Life Goal: To come up with some new equation that is actually relevant.

What They’re Thinking: “I’m really good at math.

The problem is that I’m so smart, I can’t explain a damn thing. I’m confused because you don’t get what I’m talking about. How is calculus confusing?

This is so easy we covered it in my AP math-no-onecares-about class. You’re going to be so confused, you’re gonna have to go to the MLC. But here’s the catch, I’m also the only person available in the MLC. I’m going to make that one math class you need to finish your requirements a living hell. Good luck, suckers.”

History TA

Profile: Wearing riding boots and legwarmers.

Life Goal: To move to France and marry some grimy street artist. Like a fairytale, right?

What They’re Thinking: “History is my shit. I spent my summer trying to be like Rachel Weisz in The Mummy. Yes, I own high-heeled Sorel boots and I wear them almost everywhere on campus with my Free People peasant blouse. Have you ever read Greek mythology? God, I’m so cultured. I’m hot too, but don’t even think about it—the only guys I’m into are ones who look like Jesus, wear Birkenstocks, and haven’t showered in the past couple days. I really like that earthy look, almost like they rolled around in dirt for an hour. Sorry, boys.”

ISS TA

Profile: This is a real wildcard. There are too many random ISS classes to focus further.

Life Goal: To get enough quarters to finally afford that McDonald’s coffee.

What They’re Thinking: “Yeah… so, integrated social sciences. Turn up. Okay, I’m going to be completely honest, I’m really sorry. Your schedule got messed up and somehow you’re taking Introduction to Canadian Politics. This class is going to be the biggest waste of your time. Even I don’t know what

I’m doing here.”

Your TA is a student who got the shaft and now has to grade all your papers on top of doing their irrelevant homework as well. They’re here to help, so… wait!

Second guess that dude! Don’t trust him.

PAGE 5

PAGE 10

PAGES 12-13

PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME: A TALE OF SURVIVAL

FOREIGN LANGUAGE SKILLS ACQUIRED AT MSU PUT INTO ACTION

HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, FRIENDS.

HOLA! ¿CÓMO TE LLAMAS?

THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU NOVEMBER 6h, 2014 - NOVEMBER 13th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Why is this reception so bad?”

THE BROWN NECKTIE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not.

“I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Ex-Amish, now a model.

2

Arrested for DUI in 2013.

3

Daughter of a bishop.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow—besides the sex stuff—what’d be the first thing you’d do?

ALBERT “Smack another dude because he can’t hit me back.”

WAZ “Pee sitting down.”

BAER “Ask as many people as possible if my ass looks big in these jeans.”

06

#META

THE TOP TEN

Excuses Your Friends Give To Not Hang Out With You It’s Friday night and you’re alone. What the hell happened to your plans? A few texts later, you’ve heard it all—here are the top ten excuses your friends give to not hang out with you.

10.) “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”: Not only is this excuse one of the hardest ones to talk your friends out of, but it also makes you realize that you should be upping the ante on your book reading and not on your Fireball. And yet Fireball will never judge you for your Friday night choices…

9.) “I got no sleep.”: Congratulations! Hanging out with you, making memories, etc., is less exciting than staying in and laying on a bed for a recommended eight hours!

PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME:

A TALE OF SURVIVAL Justin Sienkowski wrote this

My name is Gina McConnell and I am a survivor. Not of a plane crash, a shipwreck or even a deadly Michigan snowstorm. What I endured was more lethal than any of those things; I pregamed the pre-game, and I live to tell you my tale today.

It began as any other Friday here in East Lansing. I had just gotten out of my math recitation when I received a text message from one of my old friends, Natalie, I hadn’t seen since freshman year. It read: “Hey! We’re pre-gaming at my place at 8 before we go out, if you don’t come I will literally fucking hate you forever….haha jk miss you!”

This is the same girl that I had to drag out of her dorm room kicking and screaming to come to parties with us freshman year, the same girl that I saw take a half hour to beer bong a single Mike’s Hard. Surely, by pre-gaming she meant have a Smirnoff Ice or two, or maybe a mixer with 95% Sprite and 5% vodka. I would have to take drinking matters into my own hands.

It was 7 p.m., time to start pre-gaming the pregame. I downed a few beers, but still wasn’t drinking quickly enough. I had to drink enough to sit through a few hours of quietly chatting and sipping on white wine. I began swiftly swigging Fireball. The bottle finished, I needed more, so I ran across the street to Quality Dairy.

Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice ‘n loaded before this pre-game.

Finally, it was time. I emptied out the last drops of Four Loko into my tank and was on my way.

I arrived at the scene, sloshed but not too sloshed—just sloshed enough. Odd, I thought, that there were so many empty Nattys on the table. This couldn’t have been Natalie’s doing.

Sure enough, there she was shotgunning one, and in only 10 seconds too.

She quickly invited me to come sit by her and play a game of waterfall. Somehow, every single waterfall I ended up last, chugging almost my entire beer. Next up was presidents, and guess who the asshole was all game long? It was as if time was moving in slow motion, the drinks got more painful with every dreadful sip.

I couldn’t breathe, I was going to drown myself.

Gasping for air, I ran outside.

At this point it was decided; I was not making it out tonight. My legs were weak, my stomach wincing. I took off walking, only to realize I was lost. My phone and wallet were MIA. I was alone in the wilderness that is Beast Lansing.

8.) “I have to do this thing with my floor, sorry!”: While this excuse is upsetting, it offers the opportunity to bust your lying friend. Go to the ice skating rink, CalTor, or the Green and look for a group of 40 freshmen and one confused upperclassman. If you can’t locate the mob, call him out!

7.) “Starting to not feel well.”: Jager tastes like cough syrup, so why she won’t rally just hurts. Hope she enjoys her sweaty, sad Netflix coma when she could be in a sweaty, sad frat basement with you.

6.) “My girlfriend really wants to hang out, sorry.”: Only after throwing a two-hour pity party for your lack of a lover will you realize that he’s not even in a relationship.

5.) “I’m just feeling ugly today.”: This is a classic lady text that translates roughly to “let me lay in my sweat pants.” Instead of being totally ditched, you could offer to come with a movie. If that’s turned down, then it’s a “let me lay without pants” type of evening, instead of a“let me get laid” night.

4.) “I haven’t eaten, and I’m too poor for Grand River.”: Is this a test to see if you’ll pay for his food, or a subtle way of sharing he’s stuffing his face with whatever leftover pizza’s lying around from the drunk trip to Papa John’s yesterday? Either way, hope he enjoys his hungry, lonely evening while you snack on a quesarito with another homie.

3.) “I’m not in town dude, I went home!”: Some students live close enough that they can leave Friday night and spend meaningful time at home. You, on the other hand, do not. Enjoy spending your time scrolling down your Newsfeed and liking pictures of your friend doing a keg stand uploaded five minutes ago!

2.) “It’s laundry night and I have nothing to wear.”: If Beyonce’s new haircut can become a fashion trend, so can the baggy braless t-shirt look. Tell her that an outfit is like a cover, and no one should ever judge it.

1.) “I’m not drinking tonight.”:The four words of death. Your friend might still come out with you, but he knows that no one wants to drag around a sad sack of a sober college kid. Let him go -- he needs to think about his passive aggressive ways.

“Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice n’ loaded before this pre-game.”

“This is how it ends” I thought. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, a mean booze blanket and a ping pong ball that I found. I named her Wendy; she was oddly comforting.

Wendy and I traveled until we could travel no more. I sat and looked off into the distance, and that’s when I saw it. The radiating glow of Chandler Crossing flashed before my eyes. We ran as fast as my 3-inch heels would take us. I immediately went to my cousin’s apartment and knocked on the door. When he opened the door, I dropped to the ground and kissed the sweet, sweet carpeted floor. I had done the impossible, I had survived pre-gaming the pregame.

Staff wrote this

PAGE 6 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE

SATAN FRAT

HEADED TO EAST LANSING

The historic brick house on the 300 block of M.A.C. Avenue is set to receive a new fraternity after the members of Theta Delta Rambo fraternity were evicted and stripped of their charter following ancient frat law violations.

The violations reportedly included eating non-Greek yogurt and wearing clothes that didn’t make them look like someone’s wealthy grandmother dressed them for Easter Mass.

While the old residents and controversies are gone, there is a whole new set of big fat fratty problems moving in. The new owners are the Delta Xi Kappas, and their arrival is causing a real devil of a controversy amongst the current residents. The members of Delta Xi Kappa are not your ordinary frat boys--aside from the usual fraternity shenanigans of beer drinking, sexually tense bouts of grab-ass, and rock n’ roll music, the members of Delta Xi Kappa are all devoted Satanists.

The MSU chapter of DXK is set to be the second house of the growing organization on American college campuses. Tracing the short, one-year history of Delta Xi back to its creation leads to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. According to founding brother, Ben “Dark Snake” Hardein, Delta Xi Kappa and its Satanist doctrine was cooked up as a joke by anti-social Wolverines before taking on a life of its own.

Tom White wrote this

Said Hardein, “Well me and my buds were sitting around brainstorming how to be super-ironic and then someone threw out the idea of starting up a Satan frat. So I said sure, the co-op thing isn’t really freaking out my parents like I thought it would, and a Satan frat

sounds pretty damn ironic to me. Let’s give it a shot.

“I mean It started out as a joke but fast forward a year and my homely U of M girlfriend and I are trying to conjure demons and hissing at Christians like a couple of regular Tom Cruises.”

When questioned on allegations of violent practices, Hardein continued, “Has it gone a little too far? Maybe. One time we were drinking Boone’s Farm, got a little carried away, and captured, sacrificed, and drank the blood of one of the many, many virgins we have at U of M. That made the mood kind of awkward and heavy around the house for a few days, but I mean shit happens. Kinda funny how life goes, ya know? One day its skinny jeans and record players, now its black lipstick and snake daggers. Anyway, we’re coming to a neighborhood near you soon and uh… go Satan!”

East Lansing residents both old and young have expressed trepidation about the cult of devoted Satan worshipers moving in next to them.

MSU Delta Xi president Cooper Rye had this to say in response to the backlash his fraternity is facing from the East Lansing community: “You get caught snatching a few dogs and maybe a student here and there in preparation of the autumn sacrifice to Ahrazual the Eternally Vengeful and all of a sudden we’re the bad guys? Welcome to Obama’s America. We’re not hurting anyone… Well except for that one dude and all those dogs we’ll be stealing.

Mostly no humans though.”

A Guide to Like Totally Get Any Girl Anywhere at Anytime MSU Staff wrote this

The most important thing you will learn in college is how to get (properly) laid. Yeah, high school was great, but you’re not 16 anymore finger bangin’ away in the back of the movie theater.

Everyone who is anyone should know how to pull some hot ass, but sometimes shit gets messy and doesn’t work out.

Luckily, The Black Sheep’s here to share a foolproof step-by-step system on how to get ANY poontang your pecker desires within 24 hours. While we haven’t entered into a woman’s boneyard ourselves, we’ve studied our fair share of pornos and could totally score with any chick we wanted, we just have so many options we can’t decide right now.

The first step to smashin’ is to find your mistress and ask her out. Set yourself up for success by picking a crowded area with lots of noise. Let’s go with Late Night at Holmes, that’s always a beehive of activity and is bound to have at least a few solid sexin’ prospects. The key to this quest is to find a homely-looking girl sitting by herself at a table.

If she’s not alone, then do not approach! This is an intimate dance and it only takes two to tango.

Once you’ve spotted your lucky lady, saunter on over like you are the biggest badass this side of the Mississippi. You could even pull up and do the Stanky Legg on an unsuspecting group of

freshmen, your call there, chief.

Once you get to the table, it’s show time. Look her straight in the eye and ask as smooth as possible, “Is this seat taken?” Now we know what you’re thinking, “now is when I ask her to bump uglies,” and the answer is “hell no!” If you ask her now, she’ll expect it to happen right then and you’ll have to knock it out in front of the entire late night crowd! Now is when you ask her to dinner in another cafeteria, preferably some place classy like Landon. She may assume that this date is for another night, but we’ve got to get down to business because it’s business time. The ETA on this booty is ASAP! Changing cafeterias is more than just a distraction, it allows you some time to think. What kind of moves are you gonna throw down in the sack? Are you gonna be a power bottom? There is a lot of shit to consider! So while walking to your next destination, try to feel her out for what she is into. S&M with some leather?

Role reversal? You’ve got to be ready.

Believe it or not, all women want the hot meat injection. This is the next phase of our operation, getting her to go back to your love shack. Once you get in the cafeteria, pick a table near the door and sit down. Remember, no food. Now is not the time to find out that the cafeteria switched nacho cheese brands and the new grade-F cheese

gives you burning, liquid shits. As soon as she sits down, ask her if she’s ready to go. Lay some slick line like, “yo bae, let’s bounce,” and walk out the door.

galore, so take advantage! The rush of getting caught with your rooster in her hen house is equivalent to a small mountain of cocaine cut with angel dust and some crushed-up molly.

The third step, the homestretch. Girls love excitement, so take her to a public bathroom somewhere and get nasty. The bathrooms on the second floor of the Union have counter space

Once you’ve made it to this stage, you’re a true champion. The Rocky Balboa of the one night stand. Turn your floppy drive into a hard drive and take a trip to Pound Town, population: you!

INSIDE SCOOP PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep Hazing Gauntlet Unveiled!

The Tipsy Gypsy wrote this

Ever wonder what it takes to become a staff writer for The Black Sheep? Well lemme tell ya pilgrim, it takes guts. You have to be fearless and ready to throw yourself in the face of danger! You have to be ready to down countless tequila shots in the name of research, or hook up with the fat guy at the party to see if they really do try harder in bed (they do).

We don’t just take anyone, though. Every current and former member of our writing staff has completed every challenge on the list below, because we are… warriors? We challenge you to complete the list if and only if you’re a boss-ass bitch like us, because if you’re not, you could actually die. And we haven’t let a dead person on the writing staff since the ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote a really funny STD article.

So, can you complete the following?

A friendly game of paintball with the current staff members: A bonding experience for one and all.

Except instead of paint pellets, we use bullets, and instead of paintball guns we use AK-47s.

Punt a football: Hard enough as it is. But anyone who wants to write for The Black Sheep must punt a football over Mike Sadler’s head, mid-game.

Win a hotdog eating contest: Against Brady Hoke. Good fucking luck... These hotdog eating contests have been known to last for days and it’s nearly impossible to beat the Hokedog. But if you want to join the bitchin’-est newspaper squad east of the Mississippi, ya gotta do it.

Beer bong 4 gallons of water: From the deepest, scummiest depths of the Red Cedar. And nothing to chase it but a 40 oz of Colt 45. We Sheepers stay hydrated. It’s about avoiding hangovers and imminent death at all costs!

Inflate the tires on every CATA bus: Using nothing but your own mouth. It’s practice for CPR! You’d be

surprised how often The Black Sheep writers suffer heart attacks and the like. We only kind of blame Goomba’s.

Play a prank on one of our beloved PACE officers: Gotdamn, we love those guys. They are incredibly helpful and totally necessary to the university. Your choice bub, you can either pants one of them and run away or steal their badge. This second option is a little tricky, because who knows if they even have badges?

Catch and skin an actual Wolverine: The animal, an insufferable U of M fratstar who you caught pokin’ holes in your condoms and hitting on your sister, or even just a Walmart Wolverine. We’re not picky, man.

Participate in a 3-way-fist-bump: With Izzo and Dantonio. The ancient legend states that if a true The Black Sheep writer locks fists with both Izzo and Dantonio simultaneously, Conrad’s tater tots will rain down from the heavens. That’s how we know if you’ve got what it takes. No tots, no entry.

If you think you can complete all of the tasks on this list, then you my friend have what it takes to be a part of that sacred circle we call The Black Sheep. Fail and you shall go down in history with the most famous failures of all time and that, friends, is nothing to scoff at.

NEW THIS FALL! • Mac n’ Cheese Bites • Mozzarella Stix • Onion Rings

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Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off

Thursday 11/6

Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Friday 11/7

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Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

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1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close

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Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Game Day Specials: During Lions/MSU/Wings/Tigers $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates

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MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

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Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

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Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

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$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

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Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/ Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

COCKTAILS

$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Salads

Friday 11/7

HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5

JAMESON - 5

LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $3 Bells Two Hearted $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3 Jack CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) $3 Fireball CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Fireball, Bacardi MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, $6 Chicken Schawarma

Thursday 11/6

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Blue Moon Shorts $3 Royal, Captain & Bacardi Drinks, Apple WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown $4 Captain Morgan $3 Schapps, Cranberry 5 $2 Washington Apple Shots, $3 Johnny Vegas Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger CIROC BOMB - 6 Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft Happy Hour 3-7

FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells,

BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 $3 MicrobrewJAGER Shorts $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $5 and Brew 7 PATRON $3.50 Beef Schawarma SandBurger Special! wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Happy Hour 3-7

HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% American IPA (Bellair, MI)

Closed for Detroit Lions Football!

Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

SPECIAL NIGHT

JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-yourown Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

SHOTS

Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long Specials Run Monday (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts Watermelon Schnapps, 5 JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Sunday All DayRed&Bull, Night!

Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American (2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks

Saturday 11/8

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,

MOJITO -Bacardi juice, mint leaves, MASTER $3 Rum, 16oz,lime Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda $6 7 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite the rocks 6 $5 OffonKabob Combos For Two Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Sunday 11/9

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

BEER BOTTLES

BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3

Premium/

lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 $5 Bud Light, Coors Light Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored$2.50 Vodka,orange Martinis, Glasses of House and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Happy Hour 3 - 7

Falafurger Combo

Monday 11/10

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8

$3- Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles Grey Goose, dry MARTINI ON THE ROCKS and 8Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel

$3 Angry Orchard Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6Mai Tai's, WHISKEY SOUR - CrownWines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Happy Hour All Day! $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, 7 $3 Off Select Appetizers

ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

Tuesday 11/11

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian

MARTINIS

Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $2.75 Corona, Corona Light $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, and Dos Equis $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our GUMMY BEAR Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, Mediterranean Wines,splash $2.49 Falafel Happy Hour 3-7 of sour and sprite 7

Wednesday 11/12

Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$3 Microbrew Shorts Burger and Brew Special!

Happy Hour 3-7

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT

Thursday 11/13

Quarter

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

LIFE TIPS

Foreign Language Skills Acquired at MSU Put Into Action Uncle Waz wrote this

For far too long, Billy had been a scholar of foreign language at Michigan State. Being a sophomore, Billy was already through Spanish 201 and well on his way to completing 202, where he would advance from naming certain types of food to being able to ask where the bathroom “donde.” One would think that spending $6000 for foreign language skills would equate to more linguistic competency than a freshman trying to act classy on a date at El Azteco, BillywfeltXconfident page ad =so5” 5.5” h in the abilities he acquired from MSU as he traveled to Mexico with his family for Thanksgiving.

“I don’t see naranjas in the room.

I better get ready to camino to the local market!” exclaimed Billy, unaware that his all-inclusive

resort also included oranges.

As he wandered outside of the resort, a car pulled up that had writing on the side. “This must be a taxi!” thought Billy as he climbed in. It said “Coche Secuestrador,” or, in Spanish, “Abductor Car.” “¡Hola! ¿Cómo te llamas?” asked Billy, impressing himself with his Spanish prowess. As the men in the car looked at him, annoyed, he proceeded to dig deeper, finding out more about his newfound acquaintances. “¿Cómo estás hoy? ¡Mi nombre es Billy. Me gustan las naranjas!

Tengo veinte años. Soy de Michigan. ¿De dónde eres?”

Af te r m u c h p a i n s t a k i n g deliberation, the kidnapper sitting beside Billy, gun present

on his lap throughout the duration of Billy’s babbling, finally decided to let him in on the situation.

a toothbrush” or the everlasting debate about “the difference between how one would say black socks or navy socks.”

“Kid, we’re kidnapping you. Also, we speak fluent English. And… it’s painful listening to you try to speak Spanish. Call your mom and demand our ransom, then shut up.”

“You make my ears bleed from the inside out,” said another kidnapper. “If I had a choice between listening to a weed whacker or having you quiz me on whether I like chocolate milk or regular milk, I’d take the weed whacker, slice my ears off, and bleed out in peace.”

“¿Que?” the ever-prying Billy asked. “¿Usted no habla Español?

Yo hablo Español. ¿Te gusta mi charla español?” Billy figured that if he was going to speak in the native tongue, he may as well ask for actual constructive criticism.

His TA lacked that kind of criticism, often too entranced by PowerPoints covering crucial life lessons such as “how to ask for

“¡Jaja!” laughed Billy, knowing that this taxi was clearly intended for jokers. “Eres divertido, no? ¡Es una divertida mañana!”

Remarking that it was such an enjoyable morning, Billy was sure that his new friends would want to enjoy the entire day with him.

“Miguel, for the love of God, this kid isn’t worth it,” claimed the driver. “Push him out of the car before I drive us into a brick wall.”

And like that, Billy was promptly removed, rolling to the side of the road. As he looked up, he saw he had made it to the market.

“Wow, a free ride!” exclaimed Billy, watching his friends drive off. “¡Qué divertido!” And as easy as that, Billy wandered into the market, appreciative of his guardian angels that safely led him around the countryside. “¡Adios mis amigos!”

The only relevant shirts

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle Major: Economics and Spanish • Favorite Drink: Gin and tonic Favorite Shot: Cinnamon Toast Crunch • Disgusting Drink: Four horsemen What drink is much better in the winter than it is in the summer?: Irish stout, it puts hair on your chest.

As a bartender, what do you see as an acceptable tipping policy?: 20% and a smile.

Make an argument for fall being the best season: The leaves change and cardigans.

Where’s the most surprising place you’ve ever found money?: $10 on the bar floor at the end of the night that somehow no one picked up.

Who is your favorite alumnus of MSU?: Kirk Gibson because he was a huge Tigers fan.

What are you terrible at, but fine with being terrible at?: Singing

BRYAN of HARPER’S

THE DRINKING GAME

The puny mortals have offended you, m’lord, what shall we do with them?: Send them to Rick’s.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: The originality.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

STRIPPING THE COLD

OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH

Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...

If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.

What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm.

Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one.

Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather.

How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting.

- Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on).

- Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on.

- When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off.

- Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.

What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS).

Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight.

Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate.

- Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!)

- After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it.

- Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends.

- What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich.

- You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.

The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.

Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hulahooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers.

Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX

Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide.

Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each

Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot

Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribalsounding drum music.

to 11.71 at the present.

How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.

Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld.

Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny.

Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.

Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already.

Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.)

How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line

Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC

between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, liongod of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.

Summary: Eliza, a social media fiend and popular personality, is ruined after an embarrassing selfie goes viral. In order to save her image, she hires a self-image marketing expert who reluctantly agrees despite his utter annoyance at everything she does. Essentially, it’s every single show ever made where two opposite personalities clash, except they think if they add enough social media references, young people will watch it.

Apparently this is not the case.

Ratings: After debuting at 5.31 million viewers, those figures

How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.

Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC

Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of.

week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating).

Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million.

How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part.

He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.

How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day.

Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.

Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX

Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her.

How clever.

Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.

How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.

have dropped to 3.82 million weekly.

How to Fix It: An elderly man who is lonely after being widowered by his late wife decides to enlist his young neighbor to teach him how to use technology in order to make new friends and find a new, younger wife. Over the course of their teachings, a bond is formed between the two neighbors, who begin to manipulate their technological prowess to trick beautiful women into going out with them, mostly through the use of cleverly-angled and extremely-filtered selfies.

Know Your Album covers

THE BACK PAGE

Do you know all 9 of these album covers?

Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com.

If you're right, you'll win a prize!

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2501 Abbot Rd • 517.324.9880 Amenities & utilities included are subject to change. See office for details.