The Black Sheep
Fr ee ... l at ike h Sp ar ow ta mu n St ch s ad iu tud m e go nt fo tick r. et s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 12 11/14/12 -11/28/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
How to: Silence Your Questioning Relatives Alex Everard wrote this
What’s worse than guiltily gorging down that turkey leg while knowing damn well the pilgrims were totally the bad guys? Answer: your relatives yapping your ears off about “career possibilities” and “your future.” Sorry, I thought this was “Thanksgiving,” not “Thanks-for-coming-now-let-me-give-youmy-opinion-on-your-life.” Mastering the art of silencing pesky relatives and stuffing your face in peace is a complex process, but we’re here to offer guidance. Step 1- Drink: Identify the relative most likely to make you the stiffest drinks. We’ve all got that aunt, maybe even that grandma, who’ll pour it ‘til it’s on the table when Mom and Dad aren’t looking. Sure, the ‘rents might give you a beer or two, but they don’t want you to get sloppy, slapping-obesewomen-at-Rick’s drunk and make them look like failures in front of the whole family. Luckily for you, relatives that don’t have the responsibility of being your parents generally don’t give a fuck. Find this relative and seek them out repeatedly in order to get a nice buzz going. You’ll be able to smash more stuffing, and it will dull the aggravating barrage of questions you’re sure to encounter. Step 2 - Dig for Dirt: Before the Thanksgiving feast, make sure to coyly ask your parents about embarrassing things your relatives have done over the years. They’ll think you’re just making conversation, and everyone knows parents love to retell stories with excruciating detail. That way, when you’re Uncle Jeff says something like, “So what’s the worst hangover you’ve had this semester?” with a sly grin on his face, you can reply, “Nothing that could possibly compare to the one you had after you ditched my Mom at the Van Halen concert in ’82.” Boom, what’s that, Jeff? That’s what I thought. Step 3 - Make Stuff Up: When that goodie-goodie relative who over achieved despite having a lesser degree than the one you’ll be getting asks about the internships you’ve got lined up, just fib! “Oh, you know, I’ve got a few paid gigs that are in the bag but at this point; I’m just looking for the highest bidder!” Give them a jab in the ribs and a wink as you say this. It’s just the kind of schmoozing they did to climb the success ladder and they’ll totally buy it. No one will ever have to know you’re the “Social Media Manager” of a “satirical booze-paper” and get paid in middle-shelf rum and sometimes chicken wings. Step 4 - Get Seconds, Thirds, and, if You Have the Gut for it, Fourths: Grandpa has you locked into a story that began
The Real First Thanksgiving
about fishing, but has now morphed into a story about the time he met Arnold Palmer at the movies. It’s boring as shit, so just simply interrupt and say, “Oh, I better go get some pie before Jeff eats it all!” By the time you get back Grandpa will have moved on to rambling to his next victim with yet another fictitious story about the time he rode a dolphin through Cape Cod. Step 5 - Keep Drinking: Maybe you’re the type of person who gets wittier as they get drunker. Maybe you’re the type of person who just doesn’t give a Hefeweizen as they get drunker. Either way, devote plenty of time to playing toys with
what’s inside
your little cousins, but not so much time that everyone knows you’re hammered. FYI: fucking up Jenga on your first pull is a dead give-away - believe me, you should have been at my house last Thanksgiving. Follow these steps when necessary and you’ll spend more time putting delicious poultry down your throat and less time stumbling over what you plan to do in the next five years. Let’s face it, no one wants their college buzz killed with a reminder that college is meant for career advancement and societal placement. Lame.
Point/counterpoint: parades
Thanksgiving 3000
The more things change the more they still stay pretty racist.
Both sides agree it's a great place to watch fat spectators humiliate themselves.
oh Don't worry, the Lions still lose.
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