The Black Sheep's
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contents page 4: The quiz
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
Which famous alumni are you?
page 5: From the Streets if you had to choose between either cheese or oral sex for the rest of your life, which would it be?
page 6: A Heartfelt Goodbye: Leaving Your Mark on Campus We give you some inspiration on how to leave campus infamously.
page 6: The Top 10: Things you didn't do but totally should have done in college no regrets, right?
page 7: Ann Arbor Will Not Miss You Nor will you miss it! Wait a minute...
page 11: How Michigan Students Study for Finals Whether you're a big ole stoner or just a regular ole overachiever, we break down your unique studying habits.
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! k e e W e h t f o c i P
“Funny,” “hilarious,” “uproarious,” “side-splitting,” “cherished,” “orgasmic,” these are just some of the adjectives used to describe Broadway smash-hit The Book of Mormon, but in good time we hope that similar positivity will be uttered about the very thing you’re holding in your hand, a copy of The Black Sheep. We’re here to tickle your funny bone, and not in a way that involved a doll, a psychiatrist and a whole lot of crying. We want to be the University Health Service to your getting safely laid once in a while, the GrubHub to your stoned late-night hunger pangs, the Beer Depot to the first thing that made the previous two things possible. Basically, we’re here to be funny, and not in the “hilariously macabre” invite-a-hobo-to-a-fancy-dinner kind of way. Like you, we’re students enrolled right here in Michigan, and we hope we can dig up some of the funny once in a while. If we can’t, we’ll throw a “shit” or an “ass” in there to get some brownie points just for trying. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the read. If this causes you physical pain, you’ve stuck this in the wrong hole. Those paper cuts are going to get infected, -The Black Sheep
Yeah, he tapped that. (Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at email@example.com
word of the week Lactate Chess Own
Hammer Into Worts
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org First five right answers get a prize!
An open proclamation of sexual joy by a female who just got laid. “Lana boysterously screamed ‘Yeah, just got banged, bitches!’ from the rooftops moments after Rodrigo exited her apartment.”
Which Famous Alumni Are You?
1. After graduation, you plan on… a) Starting the high-paying job I already have. Money is my favorite! b) Find a job I love so I can build my career. c) I’m not really sure if I am graduating, so… 2. You spend most of your undergraduate weekends… a) DRINKING CUZ I LUV ALCOHOL SEW MUCH. b) Having sex! Haha not really. Working out is fun too, right? c) Wrestling crocodiles, being a badass, and working hard. 3. You would describe your style as… a) Confident. I know who I am and what I like. b) Cool. No—sexy. Athletic? Can I be more than one? c) Trashcan-chic with a mix of car parts, leather, corsets, and a love for conical shapes. 4. You plan on getting ahead in your career by… a) Using my talent and rugged good looks to get by. b) Working hard and being the best there is. c) Being as outrageous, sexy, and bizarre as possible without getting arrested. 5. When your coworkers think of you, they think… a) “Wow they’re talented! Shame they’ve got the intelligence of a pumpkin.”
By: Rachel Rowlands b) “They want to be my baby momma/daddy. They want me; everyone does.” c) “They could lead me through a jungle of burning tigers with snake fangs and I would still follow.” 6. While at Michigan, you made your mark by… a) Becoming the inspirational masterpiece of everyone’s wildest dreams. b) I didn’t really make a mark… but I’m going to be awesome in a few years! c) Partying it up like a banshee and then dropping out. Like a badass. 7. Your parents… a) Love all the money I’m making now! b) Really shouldn’t look at my Facebook if they want to sleep peacefully at night. c) Couldn’t be more proud of my accomplishments. 8. You want the legacy you leave behind to be… a) That anyone can drop out of Michigan and still be successful. That’s a good message, right? b) That if you work hard and do your best, you can become an inspiration for generations to come. c) Even if you don’t succeed in college, you can become super rich later.
answers answers answers answers answers 1. a)2 b)1 c)3 • 2. a)3 b)2 c)1 • 3. a)1 b)2 c)3 • 4. a)2 b)1 c)3 • 5. a)2 b)3 c)1 • 6. a)1 b)2 c)3 • 7. a)2 b)3 c)1 • 8. a)3 b)1 c)2
8-13 Points: Bo Schembechler You are the epitome what it means to attend Michigan. You’re a winner, a champion, and an inspiration for an entire campus. Your legacy will last lifetimes. And you could win a bear-wrestling contest blindfolded with your arms tied behind your back.
14-20 Points: Tom Brady Although not a big deal at first, later your skills blossomed. You’ve succeeded in every way, but it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. You have a tendency towards idiotic haircuts, your significant other keeps you whipped, and many people hate you for your talent.
21-24 Points: Madonna Your body and/or mind are withering, and you might be on crazy pills. Your fashion has gone from weird to 100% insane, and you dress like you emerged from a metal scrap yard trashcan. People are ripping off your “style,” but you’re so irrelevant no one remembers you started the eye-piercing trend in the first place.
scooter stick husker do husker dont
krazy bombette brocade firefly fountain
From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you had to choose between either cheese or oral sex for the rest of your life, which would it be? “Swiss cheese because then I’d have both.” - Jeremy B., Junior
“Cheesy blowjob?” - Jon S., Junior
“I’m lactose intolerant and I’d still pick cheese...cheese rocks.” - Emily F., Junior
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A Heartfelt Goodbye:
Leaving Your Mark on Campus Rebecca Theisen wrote this Seniors, this is it—the final hurrah. After four (or five) years comprising 29 football pregames, 46 all-nighters, and approximately 896 shots of shitty vodka, we’re finally staggering over the finish line. Graduation is upon us, and amidst all your tearful and drunken proclamations of love for your peers you may be wondering how you can truly leave your legacy behind on Michigan’s giant-ass campus. A quick Google search will tell you that you can leave your mark by getting involved in an organization you’re passionate about, or by starting a center to help underprivileged children learn how to read good. Those ideas are admittedly boring as hell, and not exactly feasible with a twi-ish week countdown ‘til we don the caps and gowns. To help you out, The Black Sheep offers the following list as a source of inspiration. We hope it will aid you in your endeavor for campus infamy. Speak from Your Heart: With so little time left, you’re going to have to be bold. Spread the message of your undying adoration for this university by taking a few shots, setting up a podium, and waving a megaphone about. Historically, the best places to profess your Michigan love have been the Diag, or at the corner of State and North U; the very places this reporter learned of her own sure-fire condemnation. Be sure to really hassle everyone walking by, or else they may falsely believe you’re homeless or something, rather than a prestigious almost-alumnus. Embrace Leadership: So you were too busy getting wasted and hooking up with members of the Skeep’s Tuesday crowd or the occasional GDI to really accomplish much else. At least you’re fucking graduating, right? Still, forlorn retrospection may have you wishing you’d led more on this campus than a frightening outbreak of pubic lice. In order to get the ball rolling quickly, you’ll have to start something based exclusively on your own personal beliefs and life experiences. Lure in a gaggle of unsuspecting freshmen using false promises and alcohol outside of Shady Pi or DKE some Friday or Saturday (or Monday or Tuesday
Things You Didn't Do But Totally Should Have Done in College
Seniors: Congratulations. College happened. You did college. Provided you don’t fail whatever final paper or exam you’ve been neglecting all week, you will soon be the proud owner of a college diploma. Flaunt it. Frame it. Swap it for job security. Roll it into a giant blunt if you want. You’ve earned that. The downside to your impending graduation is that the window for using “college” to excuse infantile behavior is closing. Don’t pretend you don’t do it. Wasted on a Tuesday afternoon? College! Skateboarding in the kitchen? College! Burning couches in the street when your basketball team loses? No, really, don’t do that. You’re able to get away with a lot of ludicrous shit between the ages of 18 and 22—possibly more than you realize. For some inconceivable reason, our society places a high comic premium on stories that begin with “This one time in college…” So, seniors, to help you make the most of your final days as undergrads, here’s a list of things you probably didn’t do but could have done in college. Underclassmen, take heed. 10.) Sex in a campus building: As the generation that grew up sneaking into the American Pie movies, we were raised to believe that college = nonstop orgy anywhere and everywhere. But, honestly, whose sexual appetite is so uncontrollable that he or she can’t make it the few extra blocks from the Ugli to the bedroom? 9.) Break into Michigan Stadium: Hopping the fence and throwing some TDs in the Big House sounds totally chill and all, but when it comes down to it, that shit’s a felony and you need to get into law school.
or Wednesday or Thursday or Sunday) and start spreading word of your own “New Religious Movement.” Keep in mind that if you want your own beliefs to stick around this campus for forever, these “New Religious Movement” members must prove themselves loyal and above rational choice. If successful, your “New Religious Movement” will grow for generations to come! Ashley’s Tour de Force: Little is more inspirational than witnessing an individual overcoming severe adversity to accomplish something huge. Show the campus world you’re made of drunker stuff by doing the impossible: completing the Ashley’s Beer Tour in one sitting. You may have to puke ‘n rally a bit, but remember that this will be your last opportunity to do so; after commencement, people start sending you to AA for that sort of stunt. Public Exposure: In accomplishing this feat, you would do more than make your presence known; you’d become a goddam legend. Have you ever noticed that even during your best hair days, no one gives you a second glance? That’s because you look similar to everyone else: clothed. Try wrapping your shoulders in a bed sheet, putting on your best mask, and whipping out a black sombrero cordobés. Become your alter ego: the Flash Bandit. Nothing grabs attention like bare ass, and saving the damsel in finals distress has never looked so offensive. If you have a few fellows also
seeking legendary status, feel free to start your own “flash” mob in the Diag. And Chem 1800. And the MLB. Human Stamp: Graffiti is a little passé, but it’s admittedly pretty effective in leaving your “mark.” Unfortunately, it may be too commonplace to really communicate your individuality. Instead, slather some paint over your ass and decorate the side of the Ugli. It could use some beautification, anyway. Raze Your Own Monument: Everyone knows that physical presence is a key legendary component. But marble is pricey, and that one-credit art class you took to fulfill some ludicrous distribution requirement didn’t really teach you how to chisel stone. What, then, could make an equally powerful and semi-permanent statement? Fire. Property Management Specialists, Inc. will probably thank you for torching that house you’ve shat all over for the past three years, and you’ll go out in a blaze of glory. All the kiddies setting fire to couches after the basketball championships won’t have shit on an indoor fireworks display. There you have it, wisest of the Wolverines: a few tricks that basically guarantee the DPS crime alert sent to all of campus about you is weird. Best of luck to all the graduates—whether you’re getting your big kid job next year or sitting in your parents’ basement face-down in a pile of Doritos, you are moving on to, like, other things!
8.) Gain the freshman fifteen: Like most in-state students, we had the occasional privilege (misfortune) of bumping into one or two of the zillion Michigan students who went to the same high school as us. And, while they don’t necessarily look as fresh faced as they used to (stress + booze – sleep = gaunt) everybody’s somehow kept the infamous freshman fifteen at bay. You sexy bitches, you. 7.) Sell weed: College is pretty much the last chapter of life when smalltime drug slinging is quasi-acceptable. Before 22, it’s beer money. After 22, it’s a career. 6.) Go to UMMA: Michigan has one of the largest university art museums in the country, and half the student body thinks it’s an extension of Mary Sue Coleman’s house. 5.) Threesome: Another media-fueled illusion of collegiate sex is the elusive threesome. You probably won’t have one. Lord knows it’s hard enough getting one person to have sex with you. 4.) Elevator surfing: In Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides highlighted U-M buildings as primo locations for elevator surfing then had the protagonist’s Wolverine brother eat LSD, climb atop his dormitory elevator, and ride up and down all day long. The concept of elevator surfing is pretty simple. Step one: Break into elevator shaft. Step two: Mount elevator. Step three: Don’t die. Also, don’t get caught (another felony). 3.) Roam the steam tunnels: Despite the myth that Harry Potter was almost filmed in the Law Quad, Michigan’s Hogwartsiest feature remains the six miles of steam tunnel than run beneath campus. Incidentally, a popular means of illicitly entering the tunnels is through an elevator shaft. If that’s not your bag, there are allegedly entrances in the basements of certain dormitories and the Union. Like everything else vaguely fun on this list, breaking into Michigan’s steam tunnels is a felony. Sucks.
2.) Sleep with a GSI: In theory, boinking your studly and brilliant psych GSI sounds stupendous. But in practice, it’s nearly impossible to hunt down a GSI without trekking to Main Street. Not to say that Michigan’s Great Thinkers aren’t hanging out at Skeeps. 1.) Butt chug: You know you’re a little curious.
Matt Pollock wrote this
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are you smarter than?
Will Ellis, President of Alpha Delta Phi 1) Technology: Who is the largest cell phone service provider in the United States? __________________________________________________
6) Slogans: What car company trumps themselves as the "Ultimate Driving Machines"? __________________________________________________
2) The Wild: The black mamba is the most poisonous what in the world? __________________________________________________
7) Famous Speeches: Which President of the United States issued a warning against the rise of the militaryindustrial complex in his farewell address? __________________________________________________
3) History: Bushido was a way of life practiced by these romanticized warriors of days past. __________________________________________________ 4) Comedy: Famously, where does SNL character Matt Foley live? __________________________________________________ 5) Sports: In 2012 R.A. Dickey won what prestigious award? __________________________________________________
9) Current Events: The bombs used in the recent Boston Marathon bombings were housed in what? __________________________________________________ 10) TV: What much-loved TV show sparked rumors of a comeback ten years after going off the air? __________________________________________________
1) Verizon 2) Snake 3) Samurai 4) In a van down by the river 5) Cy Young/NL Cy Young 6) BMW 7) Dwight D. Eisenhower 8) Friedrich Engels 9) Pressure cookers 10) Friends
8) Politics: Who co-authored 1848's The Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx? __________________________________________________
will's answers 1. AT&T 2. Snake 3. Samurai 4. No idea 5. Cy Young Award
6. BMW 7. Eisenhower 8. Not sure 9. Pressure cookers 10. Friends
will's score: 7/10 correct
Ann Arbor will not Miss You
David Hiltzik wrote this
At orientation your too-peppy group leader undoubtedly told you, “you must spend a summer in Ann Arbor at least once. Omigod it’s like, magical.” While The Black Sheep tends to avoid people who froth Maize and Blue at the mouth, your orientator had a point. There’s plenty of stuff you’ll miss out on when you leave AA to spend your summer getting high in your backyard with that neighbor kid who still works at the gas station. The Ann Arbor Summer Festival: A vivid display of Ann Arbor’s artistic scene, the Ann Arbor Summer Festival doles out such a powerful dose of culture that you’d swear it cancels out all the boozing and public vomiting you did all year. The closest you’ll get to culture at home is when your dad makes you watch old Peter Sellers movies that—try half-assedly as you might—you still just don’t get. Detroit Tigers’ Games: None of us really care for baseball, but most college kids can get behind public daytime drunkenness. After your brief foray into civilized townie-ship in item #1, think of how truly satisfying it would be to leave the festival and get blasted at Comerica Park. All that angst and bitterness that built up during finals? Now it’s all on the Cubs. Because fuck the Cubs. Floating: For nine months out of the year, the Huron River is a frigid, spiteful bitch that wants nothing more than to freeze and/or drown you and your pets. During the summer, though, it becomes the most laidback lazy Sunday buddy known to man. All your friends who chose to stick around for the summer will be spending their afternoons with a case of beer, an inner tube, and the gentle lullaby of the river current. Meanwhile, at home you’ll be stuck with the wine coolers you stole from your mom and the kiddy pool your younger brother outgrew years ago. Orientees: There’s nothing quite like exploiting fresh-faced naïveté for your own amusement. You can’t call yourself a true Wolverine if you haven’t led a gaggle of not-quite-freshmen over the gold M in the Diag and watched the blood drain from their faces as you reveal the curse.
An added bonus: that creepy senior that your roommate’s sister slept with during orientation? That coulda been you. The Space: When June arrives, a calm washes over the Diag that is the exact opposite of finals week in every way. The sun is shining, the libraries are near empty (except for those unfortunate few who elected for spring term), and the passersby you meet on your walk to nowhere in particular actually seem to have a soul behind their eyes. Truth is, Ann Arbor really is beautiful after everybody’s had a good night’s sleep. It’s not all bad, though. You can take solace in the knowledge that though the AA bars are still somehow crowded as absolute fuck, your local dive will always have a stool for you. Right next to the aging bikers, Gunther and Knuckles.
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How Michigan Students Study for Finals Rachel Rowlands wrote this Finals are upon us, and Michigan students are having minor heart attacks wondering how the end of the year came so fast. Weren’t we all on winter break like, yesterday? Students pack the libraries like sardines, and caffeinated beverages are flying off the shelves like it’s the caffeine-apocalypse. Michigan is known for diversity, so it adds up that each group of students on campus has a different way of studying. Let’s take a look at some. Overachievers: These kids have been studying since the end of their last midterm. Sure, that was two months ago, but you can never be too prepared! Michigan’s competitive academic atmosphere spawns these students like poor, socially deprived rats. They reserve private study rooms, nest in the stacks, and camp out in the library for days at a time. They’ve got homemade study guides, stacks of practice exams, tutors flown in from Harvard, and they do basically everything in their power to make the rest of us look bad. These are the students who will, without a doubt, ruin your exam’s curve. Greek Life: Michigan’s Greek students throw the best ragers on campus and drink most students under the table, but finals are a whole other story. Come exam season, frat boys are forced to ditch their springtime fratio darties and stumble into the library, where they pretend to get work done. Bros can usually be spotted studying in large, confused groups sporting tank tops and sunglasses indoors. Sorority girls take up entire floors of the Ugli, chattering away like flocks of parrots, sporting letters on every conceivable body part. Keep your distance. If you’re anywhere near Greek students, you won’t get much studying done. Seniors: Seniors are on the brink of being done with college and take every advantage of it. You think senioritis was bad in high school? Try multiplying that by one thousand and adding alcohol. Seniors no longer give a damn—they either have a job, grad school, or some
haphazard travel plans for after graduation. After years of fighting other students for the best grades in intellectual cage fights, all their worries have flown away. They’re seniors now, and they simply have no more fucks to give. Seniors don’t study anymore unless it involves analyzing the available drafts at Charley’s. Stoners: In Ann Arbor stoners can be found wherever you look. Don’t confuse stoners with the casual party smokers; these kids are the real deal. Rarely braving the harsh light of the sun, stoners stay inside their rooms and smoke the day away, only leaving to acquire more Jimmy John’s. They go to Michigan, so presumably they’re smart, but how they continue to pass their classes beats us. Athletes: While Michigan athletes bathe in glory and free swag most of the year, finals season is where they’re out of their element. “Wait, we have to do something besides play sports? Well, crap.” Sure, our football team can face down the 300-pound dudes stampeding toward them; but exams? No thanks! Luckily, athletes have near unlimited tools at their disposal. Tutors and a specialized study center are thrown at them to help pass their exams. Although it seems daunting at first, our athletes always rise to the occasion. Even if some athletes aren’t exactly regulars in class, they’ll turn their brawn into brain and make it through finals with the rest of us. Average Joes: Average Joes have a bland-as-white-toast study schedule. They’ll hit up the library, but they won’t camp among the overachievers or talk the ear off anyone nearby like the Greek girls. They might binge on Monster and pull an all-nighter or two depending on how much they’ve been slacking. If they’re really behind, they might even resort to sleeping in the library. Average Joes care about their grades, but not too much—they’ll put in the minimal amount of work possible and make sure to save some time for getting drunk as hell so they can forget finals ever happened.
Beyond this honored myriad of students who while away their days at the University of Michigan, there are dozens of other study subcultures, from the guy who’s too old to be here, to the lady who just wants to transfer to State to be with her boyfriend, to the guy who’s really too old to be here, different folks study for finals in different ways. Soon enough, we’ll all rejoice in being done with these last hellish weeks. And to that, we toast.
A ____[adj.] Start to Summer
I awoke surrounded by __1__ to the sound of my clock radio blaring __2__. My head throbbed with the malice of a __3__ __4__, punishing me for the amount of __5__ I’d consumed the night before. I realized with __6__ that my parents would be at my doorstep in minutes. I had not planned ahead. I quickly gathered my __7__ and jammed them into my __8__. Along with my __9__ and a __10__ for the road, I had everything I needed to last me the summer. Hopefully. They greeted me at the door with their usual __11__ __12__. My mother immediately noted in her usual __13__ tone of voice, “You look __14__. What did you get up to last night?” An icy grip seized my __15__. Memories of impersonating __16__, wrestling __17__, and running naked through __18__ flashed unbidden before my __19__. My __20__ began to sweat __21__ as I tried to come up with an alibi that would place me out of __22__ during the time in question. “I was, uh, __23__ some __24__. You know, for science.” My father eyed me with palpable __25__. “Throw your bag in the __26__. We’re gonna make a quick detour to __27__ __28__’s __29__. __30__. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Spending the afternoon __31__ while trying not to __32__ isn’t exactly my cup of __33__.
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19) Sensory organ 20) Body part 21) Adverb ending in -ly 22) Incriminating location 23) Verb ending in -ing 24) Noun, plural 25) Emotion 26) Vehicle 27) Relative 28) Name 29) Structure 30) Expletive 31) Hobby ending in -ing 32) Bodily function 33) Drink
By: David Hiltzik
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Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating inter-galactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and
shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight."
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was deadset on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has
basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almost-spoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter, we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat. What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”
World war z June 21st
That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).” Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for firstworld nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks, all an unhappy peas-
ant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours. Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
The seek n find: ultimate frisbee
the crossword: Studying for finals
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Writers Matt Spelich, Rachel Rowlands David Hiltzik, Rebecca Theisen Brooke Gabriel
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Across 1) Literature majors' online study buddy 4) Secret Starbucks super-strong coffee 5) Last-second study session 11) Coffee alternative for the weak 12) Hope you've taken notes since day one if you've got one of these exams 13) Don't let one audibly slip in the library 14) They always manage to break right before your paper is due 17) Look at these for last minute cramming 18) Biblioteca, according to Spaniards 19) Where to vent your #studyprobz 20) Coffee shits can be described as such
DOWN 2) As finals get closer, the price of this goes higher 3) A bubbly test form 6) "Adderall Alternative" by Genetech Pharmaceutical 7) "To ___ perchance to dream" 8) Adderall and meth have this in common 9) The social networking mecca of procrastination 10) It streams hours of procrastination 12) The lifeblood of studying 15) You'll have to borrow these after never going to class 16) Scientific word for "why coffee makes you pee"