The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 • 1/10/13 - 1/16/13
kentucky: the kick-ass state Leo Weisberger wrote this
You might not be able to tell just by looking around at the confused, hung-over faces that sit squinting next to you in class every morning, but roughly one out of five UK students count themselves among the poor, miserable souls that had to slough out a childhood outside of the beautiful, bourbon-soaked grace of Kentucky. They are, of course, your out-of-state classmates. And every Christmas break these poor kids have to trek across this desolate, sorry nation back to their non-Kentucky homes, where they are certain to find a barrage of ignorant questions and disparaging remarks about this blessed land where we all now reside… Do you all wear shoes in Kentucky? On occasion, thank you. Aren't you all inbred as shit? Not as much as we used to be. Didn't UK students publically hang a racist effigy of President Obama from a campus tree? Well, yes, we did do that. But you know what? Screw that. Kentucky forever. Kentucky is a goddamned beautiful place. We're the land of Lincoln, best in bourbon, home of horses, kings of college basketball and the exclusive manufacturer of the 2013 Toyota Avalon. There's no reason, native-born or college new-comer, that any of us should hesitate to bust out the Skoal and sing the praises of Kentucky from holler to holler in our nicest wife-beaters. And when the time comes for you to defend your adopted state to that brainy, socially inept cousin of yours who accepted that full ride to Stanford, let The Black Sheep help inspire you with the best we Kentuckians have to offer. We have a ton of famous people: Everyone knows that Abraham Lincoln was born here in Kentucky. Some might even know that big name celebrities like George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Ashley Judd are Kentuckians at heart. But did you guys know that Richard Hell, Billy Ray Cyrus and Muhammad Ali are also from Kentucky? How about journalists Diane Sawyer, Helen Thomas and Hunter S. Thompson - the latter of which might be the sole reason students today pursue a journalism degree? And remember those Ernest Goes to Camp movies you watched as a kid? He's one of us too. Brian Littrell, who apparently was a Backstreet Boy, was from Lexington. Louis Brandeis, the first Jew appointed to the Supreme Court and whose name is immortalized at some pretentious liberal arts school in Massachusetts, came from Louisville. And how about the dude the invented the Tommy Gun? Rajon Rondo? The guy who help create The Walking Dead? All Kentucky. Kentucky's predominant export...is vice: Maybe it's something from our moonshining legacy, but Kentucky’s industry is still firmly rooted in having a good time. Kentucky is the largest producer of cigarette-quality Burley tobacco in the nation. We also produce upwards of 95% of the world's bourbon whisky. And where better to enjoy getting sloshed off of Kentucky bourbon than cultivating your new-found gambling addiction at the horse races? Keeneland, the
The college boy's guide to hooking up
Kentucky Horse Park, and the historic Churchill Downs are all home to world famous races that attract spoiled celebrities, wealthy Saudi oil princes, and wasted college kids alike. And if bourbon isn't your thing (god forbid), you can always just get baked and munch on some fast food. Marijuana is Kentucky's largest cash crop, and we come just behind California and Tennessee as America's third largest domestic supplier of bud. And once the bowl is cashed-out, you and your buddies can just roll on over to KFC - the nation's largest fried-chicken chain and home of the infamous, 500-calorie deep-fried chicken-on-chicken-on-chicken Double Down. Dammit...at least we're not as bad as the rest of the South: You know what? Sure. Kentucky has plenty of problems. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, Kentucky has 14 officially registered hate groups. But Georgia has 65, so suck it peach-eaters. Alabama may have a juggernaut football program, but they're also plagued with a juggernaut appetite and the second highest obesity
Top 10 Moments on Campus in 2012
Need help with the ladies? It's easier than it seems!
Car-flipping, horse-racing and squirrel-watching? Let's recap last year's highlights.
rate in the nation (Kentucky is only sixth). And did you know that Mississippi was actually ranked by Public Policy Polling to be the 4th most unpopular state in the country? Or how about the fact that 20% of Florida adults lack "basic prose literacy skills" - a full 8 percentage points higher than Kentucky? Kentucky might not be the brightest, fittest, most non-meth-using place around, but if you can't take pride in your home, at least take solace in the fact that shit gets a lot worse in the rest of the SEC. We mean, you’ve seen Deliverance... haven't you? So our fellow Kentuckians - be proud! Stick out your beer guts and hold you chin high! Whether you're out-of-state or a born-and-bred good-ole'-boy, Kentucky's your home now. Your brainy Stanford cousin can shove it. And if your friends and family still don't understand, just tell 'em we don't need ‘em anyway. We'll be just fine with our bourbon.
how to: plan spring break Rome wasn't build in a day, and neither should your Spring Break booze-fest.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
page 4: UK Senior Bucket List Don't be like Joker Phillips - make sure to leave UK with a bang!
page 5: Live. Love. Twerk. Is there anything twerking can't do?
page 6: from the streets What's the first thing you're going to do when you get back on campus?
page 10: fwb: a timeline Feelings for your booty-call? You broke the rules.
pages 11: bartender of the week this hometown boy has seen some funny stuff...
pages 13: we interview: nightlands David Harley talks to us about what it means to be a sci-fi guy trapped in a musician's body.
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word of the week Jockulard:
A star high school athlete that has since gained a significant amount of weight. “Did you see Kevin over break? That jockulard used to stuff the ball down a guard’s throat; now he’s stuffing whole pizzas down his.”
The College Boy’s Guide to Hooking Up: A Primer, Pt. 1 G. Jordan Johnson wrote this College films of olde painted a picture for my generation of what the college years would look like; raging alcohol-fueled threesomes with the occasional trip to class. The reality is not one John Belushi would have imagined. College is a tedious (and expensive) responsibility that leaves little energy to pursue the coveted three-way. Ryan Reynolds, the last great hero of the genre, took with him the over-the-top humor of farts, cheesy disco parties, and the ancient art of hooking up. Bereft of Van Wilder’s virility and left with little more than a growing collection of Xbox achievements, Mountain Dew boxes, and a hefty external hard drive full of porn, we say "No more!" The window of opportunity to heed nature’s calling inches shut beyond the glare of your monitor. College, the first tongue-tantalizing taste of freedom for many of you readers, is prime time for sexy time but those desirous opportunities are viciously masturbated away (thanks Adderall) or spent arguing with Internet trolls about why "camping is for total shit stains." It's amazing how the iconic imagery of a couple going at it in the back of a ’56 Chevy lost precedence to “headshotting n00bz.” You must make a choice. Your sweet level 80 Elf Cleric is sick d00d, and your emotional sensitivities really express something genuine about your depth and understanding of out-of-print vinyl, but neither of the two are natural (and certainly won’t put the gravity to work on any panties). Start now and fulfill your biological duties. The key to getting yourself out of that sexless rut is being proactive. You’ve got to want to get up and give it some effort. Lovely ladies the world over, by some degree of separation,
are waiting for you to awaken your inner Don Giovanni and woo them into horizontal harmony. Alas, the first step is the hardest. Prying yourself out of that compression-formed desk chair, separating the fibrous layers that have formed between the faux-leather and your ass hairs, and a small step into the shower marks a milestone in the marches of the modern would-be man. Protip: Avoid Axe products. It’s a marketing ploy targeted at dipshits like yourself. The stench may be pleasant to you, but it’s a cheap and easy fix. Ladies don’t go for cheap and easy (unless you’re in a motel). This is college, your chance to be a real showstopper; to finally fulfill all the promises your Facebook profile has made. If you’ve got a little extra Skrilla in your pocket, pick up some Yves Saint Laurent L’Homme or Hugo Eau de Toilette for a scent that was made for heartbreaking. If you’re tight on dough, go for Diesel Plus Plus. Now that you no longer smell like bacon Doritos, you need to plan your mode of operation. Go out or invite a girl over? You don’t know any girls? We can’t say we're shocked. Socially, you’re going to have to reassert yourself back into the world. Speed-clicking through Brazzers can be time-consuming. Here your mileage may vary, but there are a few surefire methods. Ideally, you have friends who don’t shriek at the sight of a vagina, and through them you might casually make your way into a few distant social circles. Don’t get angry at the fact that we exist in cliques, remember, this is the world we created for ourselves. If your friends are equally terrible at socializing, then perhaps casual random interactions are a better opener. These don’t have to go down in the dark, sweaty crevices of bars, rather this can be a bummed
senior bucket list: wildcat edition Nicole-Eliza Barnes wrote this
cigarette outside of the coffee shop. You might pretend to have missed some notes from the last (two weeks of) class and ask to borrow a pretty lady’s before the next quiz. See where this is going? You’re going to have to chock up some confidence and speak to the opposite sex. We can’t trust you beyond that, so we’re going to have to work on all the dumb shit you’re going to say. Tune in next week for Part Deux, and learn how to not make an ass of yourself plus more collegiate wisdom.
Okay, so you're graduating (as far as you know) and need some daring things to do before you move onto the real world, lest you become boring. Boring folks are forgotten shortly after graduation, and your boring self will die alone sitting in front of the television in your Snuggie with your hand in a jar of cheese dip, watching reruns of According to Jim. Assuming you’re a pure, innocent, rule-abiding student, and at this very moment you’re too busy polishing your Halo skills to think up something memorable to do before you graduate, here are a few suggestions from a sinful person to add to your senior bucket list: Toilet paper something (huge): How about Patterson Office Tower? Why? Because it’s never been done before. Shrouding this monolith in Charmin will earn you credibility with even the lowliest of Lexington’s denizens. It won’t be easy, seeing as this structure’s a solid eighteen stories tall. Now, gather a group of your richest friends, get some helicopters, and start wrapping that tower. In the dark of night you’ll feel like a Navy SEAL on a black-ops mission to demoralize the enemy, and when President Capilouto appears broken and tear-ridden on public access TV the next day, resolute to find out who did this, you’ll know you won.
be the sun. You have to tell him off. It’ll make you feel better. Go ahead. Get it off your chest. On a rainy day, trudge through several mud puddles, and track that mud into his office. Stomp around, shout every profanity that’s in your tired-ass, fed-up, little heart. Tell him what you think of his zeroexcuse attendance policy. Explain to him how you have other important classes to think about, not just his intro-level biology class. And what’s more – tell him you know he hasn’t lifted a god dammed finger since he wrote the syllabus, and the nonEnglish-speaking TA’s do all the work. Make him know these aren’t perception, they’re fact. After doing that, storm out. Then, slowly walk back in, apologize, and tell him that you’re kidding, and you expect that letter of recommendation in your inbox post-haste.
This is not a high school prankster's TP job. Go big or go home.
Do something that involves public nudity: Every college kid has a naked story or two, except you. And here you are, months away from graduating and the closest you’ve been to naked on the quad was that time your belt broke as you walked to class. Well, time to organize a naked run. It’s perfectly fine to do bad things in the name of something good, so affiliate some charitable case with your licentious actions. A “Sexy Fun Run for Morbidly Obese Quadriplegics” has a nice ring to it. So go ahead, take your clothes off. It'll help.
Tell that professor off: You know the one - that pompous ass who makes every quiz, paper, reading assignment and exam extremely difficult so that students will take him seriously, because everyone knows he barely graduated from Playschool University with a degree in finger painting. This guy thinks that if the campus were a model of the solar system, his classroom would
Your halo is blinging enough. Now hang it up, and get to the dirty work. If you leave UK with nothing to say for it besides a piece of paper and a general idea of what your GPA was, you’re doing it wrong. These three bucket list items are just a jumping off point, seniors, you need to get out there and do the legwork so you’re don’t become catatonically depressed once this semester is over.
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moments on campus in 2012
2012 was jam packed with action. Kim Kardashian officially ruined the sanctity of marriage, Colorado (finally) legalized marijuana, and the world underwent the lamest non-apocalypse yet. Nonetheless, for most of us this past year was spent cramming for exams and further improving our alcohol tolerance. In order to bid 2012 a fond farewell, The Black Sheep handpicked the Top 10 moments on UK’s campus. 10.) UK Winning the NCAA National Basketball Championship: Here at The Black Sheep we don’t believe in saving the best for last. UK winning its 8th National Championship is exactly how we wish to begin this trip down memory lane. There won’t be another reason for the world to witness a riot flip cars and burn couches until UK wins its 9th. 9.) Dance Blue Raised Over $800,000 for Some Charity: Perhaps the only redeeming activity on Kentucky’s campus, Big Blue Nation came together to support a noble cause. Most of you were out getting drunk or actually doing something fun. Maybe this will be the year you decide to participate… maybe. 8.) The UK vs WKU Tailgate: It was supposed to be the one for-sure win this past football season, so you went hard in the paint. You don’t even remember going into the stadium. In the end this only helped you bury your sorrow under some Tolly-Ho fries.
Live. Love. Twerk. Shauntionne Mosley wrote this
“Bounce that ass; drop it down to the flo’. Shake that shit, ‘til you can’t no mo’. Twerk that monkey, let me see you get low!” –Too $hort, “Shake That Monkey” You can always count on Too $hort to deliver the perfect amount of ratcheness to bring out a good girl’s inner hoodrat. Students of UK, we at The Black Sheep believe that we should all pay attention to the awesome wave of ass-claps that is twerking. Twerking, slang for a girl moving her ass like a bowl of Jell-O, has raced across the nation with flu-like speed, affecting millions in dark night clubs and sweaty house parties. Sure, there are those who refuse to support twerking, who say that this art belongs in the strip club and nowhere else. They believe any person who does this outside that domain is a hoe or slut. But no! These sad shut-ins have a myopic view of modern dance culture, waiting to master whatever the next viral dance from Korea might be. Trying to avoid twerking with mere distaste is like saying you’re not going to get mono because you don’t agree with the associated lifestyle. For those who have not witnessed a legit twerking session, we pity you. Almost every party has one group of professional twerkers that can do things with their hips many didn’t know were anatomically possible. As those twerkers do twerk work they’re forced next to all those drunkards who are too blitzed to realize that hopping up and down doesn’t even count as dancing. It’s a Dickensian tale of two cities, the have (rhythm) and the have-not (rhythm). Those patron saints of booty poppin’ literally dancing their asses off, while the rest of the party’s assholes simply jump up and down until their bodies break down from dehydration. Lie and tell us that you don’t ponder the mechanics of this dance. Don’t you ever wonder what Travis Porter was asking us to bring back?
How exactly is one supposed to booty someone down? And, “Don’t stop, pop that pop that?” How does one pop that?! The music of today demands that we twerk. So much, in fact, that we’re starting to believe it is becoming mandatory, and you know what? We’re ready for it. College makes us tense and uptight, forcing us to ignore our God-given birthright to be occasionally ratchet. Here, we quote Exodus 13:2-12 “And the Lord sayeth, ‘twerk, for it purges the weight of one’s soul. He who twerks the most shall have gold rain upon them, and the fish of the sea jump on their hooks.”
7.) That One Day You Were Up $30 at Keeneland: That was also the day you learned that dreams do come true. You always heard of people winning big, but you never expected to walk away with more than $5 in your pocket. In the middle of your winning streak you contemplated several “get rich quick” schemes. Instead, you blew all your winnings on more bourbon and Coke. 6.) Fall Break 2012!: Oh wait… 5.) LexTran Buses Were On Schedule: This is a shout out to all the Red Mile people out there. It is a day that will forever live in infamy - both buses were exactly 12 minutes apart. No one from Red Mile was late to class or stood in front of the steps for 25 minutes. It’s the little things. 4.) Joker Got Fired: After the disappointing losses to teams such as WKU, Louisville, and Vanderbilt the SEC Football Gods sought retribution. Firing Joker on top of a Mayan temple must have served close enough to a human sacrifice to appease them. 3.) Winning the First Basketball Lottery: Every true blue fan can relate to the feeling of sheer giddiness after winning the first basketball lottery of the season. There’s just something about it that makes one feel like a princess on her way to a royal ball. 2.) That Weird Moment You Had With One of the Socialized Squirrels on Campus: You were sitting on one of the benches outside of White Hall when you witnessed a squirrel scurry down a tree, leap onto a trash can, and take a sip out of someone’s old “Cup of Sunshine” through a straw. When you two made eye contact that forged an unbreakable bond before he scampered off. Some day you’ll meet again… some day.
Twerking is fun, it’s a stress reliever, and although some of us aren’t necessarily blessed in the back department, it’s still relatively easy to do. When The Black Sheep crew rolls up on the scene and sees one of our fellow twerktrist pop, lock, and dropping it on a handstand, with one cheek in the air and the other vibrating somewhere in the corner, we don’t condemn her as a harlot of the highest order. We do what any other civilized members of society would do - make it rain on her, recognize her talent, and ask for lessons. She has enlightened herself to the twerking world, why should we hold ourselves back? Tired? Twerk. Final exams? Twerk. Your best friend just called you and said she saw your boyfriend making out with his “really close cousin” at The Hub? Twerk…dat…ass! Don’t be afraid or ashamed because you can’t do it as well as those girls on twerk team. You are your own person and you have the right to do things your own way, and if any non-twerker has anything to say about it The Black Sheep gives you permission to bounce it even harder. If you don’t start twerking now, you’ll catch the fever later on, when the dance’s effects are so strong and spread so fast, they will name this era The Twerk Ages.
1.) The Foot Stabber Returns: The infamous Willy T foot stabber returned at the end of 2012. Steel toed boots were flying off the shelves on Black Friday as people panicked for their toes’ safety. If you were anything like us, you wanted to see the foot stabber return with vengeance, but maybe that’s more of a Foot Stabber Rises sort of thing.
mary venuto wrote this
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the first thing you're going to do when you get back on campus? "Take a week long nap to recover from break since the first week of classes is pointless! I'm not trying to work hard that week." - Olivia K., Freshman
"Unpack my room, go see my friends, and wish break was longer." - Tiffany A., Sophomore
"Go buy my textbooks and look forward to the weekend!" -Maritza M., Freshman
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how to: plan spring break
cody meek wrote this
It’s that time of year again! The holidays are over, and mall Santas nationwide have begun their alcohol-induced hibernations until they break out the bunny suits for Easter. Nearly every gift has been returned, and minds begin to wander towards sunnier days. But there is good news! Hope is on the horizon, for the greatest of all academic holidays is near! We're talking, of course, about spring break! With the new semester beginning, some students feel they should get an early start on their classes by hitting the books. Your advisor is riding your ass, and you think that studying could get you off academic probation. This is the last thing you want to do. Your tests and major assignments won’t be due until much later in the year, and chances are either binge drinking or a traumatic head injury will erase any knowledge from the first few weeks anyway. This is why the beginning of the semester is a perfect time to start planning for your spring break. Every year, hundreds of thousands of college kids find themselves unprepared when spring break rolls around, forcing them to spend the week at home. Around the third day of lying around watching TV, playing Xbox, and cruising Facebook to read about all the awesome places your friends went, you realize that maybe you should have planned a little better. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help plan your spring break trip; you don't want to be left in the cold when March rolls around. Who am I going with? This should be the first question you address when beginning the planning process. Much of your trip will be based upon this underlying question. Groups of people can be beneficial when vacationing, as more people ultimately equal more resources. This means there is a higher
probability of encountering alcohol, sex, and drugs - the party trifecta. More money means more options, not only with accommodations, but also travel and the destination itself. Groups traveling long distances should look into renting a bus or RV, which can also serve as a hotel room on the road. Perhaps the cheapest option is to cram all of your friends into a U-Haul, which practically costs nothing split between a few people. More, however, is not always better, and having fewer people on your trip can also prove beneficial, especially when determining the destination, hotels, and bars. Less friends also means less competition over the opposite sex, which could ultimately save you a drunken parking lot brawl. How much money will we have? Now, this one is extremely important. The money you and your friends have saved will determine whether you will be going on spring break in Cancun or Virginia Beach. Being conscious of this towards the beginning of the semester can often leave enough time to save a good chunk of change by the time March rolls around. However, money does not necessarily reflect enjoyment potential, as this is determined from the symbiosis of many variables – despite my grandfather’s old saying “Pussy ain’t grow on trees.” Where are you going, and where will you stay? No matter which biome you plan on visiting for your trip, you are going to need a place to stay. Most students choose to visit coastal areas, but the tundra and swamp can be a good choice as well. There are many things to consider when picking a destination. Picking one place can be hard, especially with a group consensus. Gather with your friends and make a list of feasible destinations based on your budget, expectations,
and willingness to travel (you should know your individual top destination before meeting). Write down the top five group destinations on a few pieces of paper and mix them into a large top hat. Drawing the location by random from a top hat is a fair, simple, and fancy way to make your decision, and can also be rigged with minimal effort. Most people assume they have to stay in a hotel, but be sure to explore other options as well like nearby campsites, RV parks, or breaking into people’s homes along the way. How will you get there? Once you decide where you will be going, you are going to need to think about how you are getting there. This should be well articulated, as getting there is always half the journey. The trip will be what you make of it, no matter if you are traveling on an airplane or a Greyhound. It is important to keep a positive attitude and remember that you will be spending the rest of the week with these people – so holding in your egg farts in a cramped car should be a priority. Once you have answered these four simple questions, you are officially ready for spring break. All you need to do now is find a swimsuit and brush up on your British accent.
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fwb: a timeline
mary venuto wrote this
In theory, it’s the ultimate solution for the emotionally unavailable and interpersonally incompetent. A friend with benefits involves no pressure to remember all the names of extended family members, but all the benefits of raw dogging it from behind. That’s what you thought when you first got into this mess, right? But now you’re in your room alone, too emotionally drained to pull up Twitter, Reddit, or Redtube. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone who first began this kind of relationshit thought their story would inspire Lady Gaga’s next smash hit. However, “Bad Romance” doesn’t even begin to explain the roller coaster of emotions you just endured. How did something so perfect end so tragically wrong? Let’s begin by retracing your steps. It’s the middle of the semester, so not studying and thinking of excuses to skip group meetings take up most of your time. Weekends are reserved for letting loose with your buddies, and one buddy in particular has always been appealing. Sometimes when you space off during lecture you think of what it would be like to make out with them - always making sure to keep your hands above the desk, of course. That Friday the hooch was particularly potent and that friend was looking exceptionally foxy. With your inhibitions at an all time low, you act on your feelings only to find that they are reciprocated. In the middle of an orgasm induced epiphany, “Chiddy Chiddy Bang Bang” all of a sudden transformed into the perfect euphemism. For the next couple weeks you two go at it like bunnies in heat. When the dreaded DTR (Define The Relationship) conversation inevitably pops up, you thought it was mutually agreed to “keep things light,” that you guys will “go with the flow” and this kind of thing “probably happens all the time.” This was your first mistake. You thought this kind of set up was special, perhaps even revolutionary. You were a pioneer exploring uncharted territory. Except that even your grandfather got road head from his booty call while driving a Model T. So a couple more weeks go by and things seem to have cooled off. That is, until your bump buddy sees you cozying up with someone else on the couch. Or maybe you hear that they are starting to see someone - either way this complicates things. Neither one of you anticipated any feeling besides lust to exist between you two. Here is your second mistake - you didn’t think you would get attached; that your feelings could be just as easily tossed aside with all of those used condoms. After all it was all “just sex,” but let’s just keep it 100 here. You kind of liked
how their eyes crossed as they achieved the big O. It was sexy how they would always get your name wrong when foreplay actually started to go somewhere. You were even into classifying all the different types of queefs that occurred. That’s the closest to love you’ll ever let yourself get. So when you realize that your emotions were able to free themselves from the tiny box you locked them in long ago, you think it’s time to reevaluate your strategy. You come up with two choices. Option A: Bail bail bail. Change your number, flee the country and unfriend them on Facebook. Or Option B: Hate fuck them for doing this to you. Life was so much simpler when you fapped in the shower before work. Grandpa never warned you about this in-between grey area of cool waters of friendship and red-hot flame of lust. Where is there to go from here? The answer, friend, is nowhere. Just keep going. When the going gets tough just throw some cherry lube on it. At this point you might as well let this bite you hard in the ass, you know they’ll do it if you ask them to. Since you’re not blazing a trail you might as well go down in a blaze of glory. Sit back and enjoy the free head while you can.
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bartender of the week Jason Dees campus pub Where’s your hometown: Lexington
customers' lives as a part of this job.
Do you have a nickname: Stumbles
Worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do in a bar: Well we've caught people having sex here... a couple in the kitchen, lesbians in the bathroom. Crazy stuff happens.
Has bartending taught you any life lessons: Yes - that I don't want to do this the rest of my life. Is bartending difficult: No Favorite part of bartending: Interacting with so many different people. I learn so many interesting things about
Favorite drink to make: Anything that involves bourbon. What drink do you order at a bar: Bud light and Larceny on the rocks.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Aww snap, girl, you ready for this game? Can you handle the pressure? Will your drunk ass remember what to do? Don’t worry, this simple game will get you simply drunk. Nothing to complain about right here.
Sometimes it’s late and you don’t know what you want eat. You just want everything: every flavor, every texture, and every carb. So indulge in your deepest desires and start your New Year’s resolution, uh, next week, or something. It’ll always be there.
Number of Players: At least four, and the more the merrier. What You Need: Beer, cards, agility. Intoxication Level: You’ll start naturally speaking ebonics. How to Play: - Designate one person as the dealer. Since the dealer has a disadvantage, the dealer does not have to play during their deal. - All other players keep their “snap hand” behind their back. - The dealer begins by placing cards face up, in a stack, and calls out the number on each turn. - When two cards of the same number come up in a row, the first person to bring their hand down on top of the pile gives out one drink for each number on the card. - The round ends when the dealer runs out of cards, and a new dealer is chosen. - You can add variety to the game by adding other “snaps,” like when face cards of the same suit come up, or when cards in ascending or descending order come up. The Game Ends When: Everyone’s hands are too bruised to open another beer.
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What You’ll Need: Tortilla chips, barbecue sauce, and shredded cheese. You can also add lettuce, tomatoes, olives, jalapenos, avocado, pretty much any kind of meat, extra cheese, and green onions. If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em. Cook Time: About five minutes, ten if you need to cut up anything. Fatty Factor: Like you really care. Let’s Get Baked: - Put tortilla chips of a microwave-safe plate, enough to cover the bottom and then some. - Spoon on a few tablespoons worth of barbecue sauce. - Sprinkle on cheese and any other toppings you may have. Sprinkle on more cheese just because. - Microwave the plate until cheese is just about melted, about two or three minutes. - Dip in extra barbecue sauce if you’re sexy feeling that way. If you thought this was great late in the night, try making this again sober while you’re watching football on Sunday. Barbecue pulled-pork is an ideal addition, but we understand that anything that can’t be microwaved may be difficult for a college student to prepare, so call mom and make her bring it to you.
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This Is The End 2013 sees four well-liked series draw to a close. Though these shows will live on in syndication for years to come, the series finale of each promises to bring finality to the lives of these imaginary people. Of course, the conclusion of one’s life isn’t always glorious; oftentimes man goes out the way he came in to the world; kicking, screaming and covered in bodily fluids. What happens if these series see ungraceful endings? By: brendan and quinn
In the cold intro the cast and crew of TGS mill around waiting for Liz Lemon to assume control of her show. Instead, the recently-married head writer appears with authoritarian figure in arms Jack Donaghy. Beaming, Lemon makes an announcement, telling the staff that she’s “Preggers and out of here, nerds!” before abruptly quitting. Tracy and Jenna pass on taking creative control of the show, noting that their antics would fall by the wayside if they were to take on any modicum of responsibility. Pete Hornberger also passes, his love of alcohol and pornography would eventually seep too deeply into the show's subject matter. Frank assumes control temporarily, but is forced to cede power after Jack bursts into Frank’s office to berate him into compliance, only to find him high on opium. This leaves the show in
When Scott arrives in the office Jim stares at the camera for ten seconds in amazement before tearing up — he understands that this is the last time he’ll knowingly glance at a camera. Michael is appalled to see Andy as the Regional Manager, and he demands that Andy not use his chair. Andy insists the chair is his, but Michael notes, “It’s the same color, size and smell” of his former chair. The office all votes with Michael, and
Andy is forced to sit on a bucket for the rest of the episode. Realizing it may be the last time he ever sees Michael, Dwight finally expresses his undying love for Michael, who rebukes Dwight because “even if [Michael] was gay, [he] could do way better than Dwight, like James Spader, or something.” Insistent, Dwight tells Michael of his master plan, that the duo will retire to a quiet life on the Schrute family farm, where they can open a gay bed and breakfast called Masterbeeters. This uncomfortable confrontation forces Michael to return to New York City without his baby back ribs. The show ends with Andy wheeling his chair back in front of his desk noting it’s “Just another day in the office.”
Walt pulls into his driveway after offing Gus Fring, but he collapses on the walk inside. Skyler, peering out the window anxiously waiting for Walt to arrive home, leaves him to die on his walkway, happy to rid herself of a man she loathed. Cut to Walt miraculously waking up in his hospital bed, four strange young men and a woman he vaguely recognizes standing over his bedridden body. Slowly the memories begin to trickle back. Images from years past pang against his conscience. Four lovely boys. An overbearing wife for whom he deeply cares. The drip quickly swells to a flood, washing over him now are the years of anguish he’s felt over his children’s constant troublemaking, his wife’s insistence on being the head of the household, the menial white-collar cubicle job. He realizes everything from the drugs to the cancer to the criminal empire—it’s all just fantasy.
Harrison. That’s right, Dexter’s five year old son. Left in a pool of his mother’s blood, his own dark passenger leads him to stalk LaGuerta down and shoot her in cold blood. As Deb was babysitting Harrison she had no choice but to take him with her to find LaGuerta. Harrison stole her phone and gun, crawled to the shipping container, probably said “Fuck yo Latina ass” and shot LaGuerta – his dark passenger
Months later Hal is still rehabilitating comfortably in his vanilla suburban house, surrounded by the same four brats—the middle one named Malcolm-- and nagging wife that led him to swallow a bottle of Ambien in the first place. Working with a psychotherapist Hal slowly learns the meaning behind his coma visions; the drug trade provided Hal a means of living a dangerous profession, Skyler is the obedient wife Hal’s always wanted to have, Jesse, the malcontent younger son who actually made him money, the lung cancer manifest the years Hal spent smoking before having children. As Hal wheels himself to a window overlooking his front lawn he puts a meth pipe to his lips, lights a butane torch, inhales deeply, closes his eyes and tries to slip back into a dreamland he desperately misses.
knowing she was a threat to his father. In the meantime, Dexter runs a truck into the prison to break Hannah out, and the two fly to Argentina where they happily kill whoever they want. Harrison can’t be put in jail because he is five, so Deb takes care of him until he turns 18. By now Dexter is just a fleeting memory for all the other members of Miami Metro. Except Harrison, who tracks Dexter down with the help of Deb. Deb, Dexter, Harrison and Hannah then start their own vigilante murder team, eventually climbing the ranks of the Argentinean government where Dexter becomes King of Argentina. And just for funsies, let’s say Deb discovers she’s not related to Dexter and those two have weird sex all the time.
Deb and Dexter need to frame someone for LaGuerta’s murder, but who can they frame? They could blame LaGuerta for going insane and trying to frame Dexter to the point she tries to kill him, leaving Deb to shoot her in self-defense – but that’s too easy and the evidence against Dexter being the Bay Harbor Butcher is too strong to ignore. They must find someone to take the fall…
Cut to fourteen years in the future inside a house on Long Island. Lemon — now unkempt and morbidly obese — is wolfing down ice cream while watching re-runs of reality TV hit Space Pawn; a new show that sees pawn brokers on the moon trade oxygen for a person’s goods at an unfavorable rate. The phone rings, it’s Pete. He informs Liz that Jack has died. Liz realizes that she always truly loved Jack, and missed out on a life of glamour trying to live a life of strength and independence. Realizing she’s now a fat housewife watching bad TV and raising kids in suburbia, the screen fades out to a woman coming to terms that she’s become everything she’s always hated.
Michael and his now-wife Holly are vacationing in New York City when Michael remembered that Scranton has the best Chili’s on the planet. Choosing to make a day trip, Michael is disappointed when the Scranton Chili’s is out of baby back ribs until the delivery truck arrives in the late afternoon. To kill time he decides to stop by the Dunder Mifflin office to see what the old gang is up to.
the hands of the bumbling Lutz. Three weeks later, after four fires and a crocodile attack have ravaged the TGS set, the show is cancelled.
When he’s not working as the bassist for Philadelphia’s War on Drugs, David Hartley pumps out future pop work as a man of the dark in Nightlands. His most recent work, Oak Island, comes out on January 22nd. He was nice enough to talk to us about what it means to be a sci-fi guy trapped in a musician’s body. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: For Nightlands, much of your work is about dreams you’ve had, or your notion of what dreams are. How do you interpret dreams as music? Dave Hartley: The first record I made, it was literally influenced by dreams. Dreams really evaporate when you wake up, so I had a voice recorder by my bed. That directly led to a lot of lyrics and melodies. On Oak Island it’s more dreamy than really relating to my dreams. I like fantastic things—unrealistic sounds, dreamscapes and soundscapes. This music, it could be a soundtrack to a dream. TBS: How do you put these songs together? Dave: I really love recording. It’s like a game to me; I come at it with this childlike wonder. What I record doesn’t have to be amazing, I just try to do the most fun thing I can in the moment. I’m pretty manic in the way I record, I just have an insatiable desire to play with sound. TBS: So do you end up with a lot of unused stuff? Dave: I usually keep working with things until I’m happy. There are definitely songs that I may come back to, and there will be songs I like and that I finish that won’t fit on a record. TBS: When you look at your evolution as a musician can you look back and see how you got to where you are now? Dave: I haven’t listened to my first record in a long time, but last time I did, I was still pretty impressed with it. It was my first timid steps and Oak Island is just the next part of the journey. I always try to make pop music in a really strange way. I’m not where I want to be, but I like chasing the dragon. TBS: How much does the visual aesthetic play into what you do? Dave: I’m really into sci-fi, and it’s pretty apparent in my visuals. At the end of “300 Clouds” it’s this huge wash of vocals, and I wanted it to sound like a legion of angels coming down from heaven, shooting lasers out of their eyes. On another song I wanted it to sound like robots marching into the sunset. I’m a visual person, and I’ll look at things when making music to spark my imagination. TBS: Does that visual-to-audio thing happen immediately, or is it something you have to work through? Dave: Sometimes I know what I want it to sound like, and I’m just chasing down that sound. Most of the time it doesn’t turn out the way you’d expect, but it’s better than what you want, or it takes you to an interesting place. TBS: You mentioned earlier that you’re a sci-fi nut; what kind of sci-fi gets you going? Dave: I’m into hard sci-fi. Basically, it’s written by people with a comprehensive knowledge of science. Arthur C. Clarke is at the forefront of that genre. He’s a fucking genius, and when he was writing his novels it wasn’t just “This could happen!” Everything is so fantastic, but grounded in reality. It blows your mind if you really think about it. It’s not magic, it’s science. TBS: Working out of Philadelphia, how would you describe the music scene there? Dave: I think it’s a vibrant musical community with less of an emphasis on “making it,” whatever that means now. There’s a huge body of people searching for musical fulfillment. Philly has way more than L.A., with its success-driven scene, or New York, with a lack of identity because of the transplants.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Zero dark thirty In Theaters January 11th From the duo who brought you The Hurt Locker comes the true story of ‘Merica’s search to catch super-bad arch-villain Osama bin Laden. Framed through the eyes of a CIA agent who will stop at nothing to get her man (in a totally unsexy way), this film allegedly obtained classified materials that got the GOP all rattled, which just adds intrigue to the already compelling story.
$ellebrity In select Theaters January 11th Renown photographer Kevin Mazur tells the tale of overbearing paparazzi from the side of the stars themselves. The likes of Kid Rock, Jennifer Lopez and other intruded-on celebs give interviews exploring the violation one feels when a member of the press climbs the wall of your house to snap a photo. On the other side of the coin, without the tabloids and increasingly unreliable news outlets, they would be nobodies… which may be a good thing.
Girls sunday, january 13th at 9pm on hbo In the Season 2 premiere of Lena Dunham’s diary-turned-somewhatrelatable-drama about 20-something girls living in Brooklyn, Hannah (Dunham) throws a housewarming party with her new roommate / newly out-of-the-closet ex-boyfriend Elijah. Meanwhile, Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) gets weird around weird Ray, the taker of her virginity. Oy vey.
of separation think you know how Paul scheer and steve carell are connected?
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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