Kentucky - Issue 9 - 11/6/2014

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 9

KENTUCKY IS GOING 40-0 Luke Troxell wrote this

Competition in college basketball is going to be lacking this year. Against the valiant Kentucky Wildcats and like an undergrad with a foreign TA, other teams just won’t be able to make any sense of why they’re getting their asses kicked so hard. We have more 7-footers than fingers on a hand and more experience effin’ shit up than the good ol' USA. This deadly combination will leave the rest of college basketball wishing they could be as true as the Big Blue. With that said, there are a few teams around the country that could contend with us should hell freeze over, or half our team tears their ACLs. Louisville: The Cards did bring back Montrezl Has-been, and Chris “Go-Get-EbolaAnd-Die” Jones, but c’mon now. We could beat the Cardinals with our shoestrings tied together. Historically, Coach Cal owns Ricky P. so bad that Calipari has to pay annual property taxes on him. Beside the fact that we’re clearly a superior basketball team, we don’t think the sports gods could handle Louisville winning another title. “The Year of the Cardinal,” gross. This adage made more people vomit than leftover Halloween punch, and to even hint at it again induces nausea all over Lexington. Just remember, even the Nazis had their year, and don’t expect the dirty birds to hang around this season any longer than their coach can hang bump-n-thrustin’ in a Porcini bathroom stall.

Indiana: The fact that Indiana is even mentioned in this article is enough to make their fan base storm our weekly staff meetings at Qdoba. Hoosiers celebrate mediocrity like it’s the pinnacle of man’s achievement, which is why they are a yearly punch line in college basketball. The Hoosiers got fortunate once and took us down in one of our banner years. However, the popcorn boxes, t-shirts, statues commemorating the moment IN DECEMBER coupled with the fact that we ended their season in the Sweet Sixteen was more than enough to show how superior the Wildcats are. This year will be no different.

Duke: During the composition of this sentence, ESPN has showed some rendition of the Christian Laettner shot at least four times. This year you should expect mention of it more frequently than most because it seems apparent that both UK and Duke are going to splash-three-balls and dunk-on-heads all their way to a head-to-head matchup for the title in April. Dukie Pukies won’t beat us this go ‘round for several reasons: 1) they suck worse than a girl with braces away from home. 2) They suck compared to us, both with their players and coaches. Their coach is a rat—some say a ferret—but either way, he’s getting eaten by the Cats. 3) They suck like Dickie V, who’s for some reason always on their nuts, and their cheerleaders look like butt. Duke just sucks, this is an indisputable fact.

Nobody is going to contend with us. Not the schools we mentioned here, and certainly not any other schools. Florida might as well get stuck in the swamp. Wisconsin has already seen how big Aaron Harrison’s balls are. UCONN, UCANT beat us again.

Look out college basketball. UK is coming to regain its throne at the top of college basketball world.

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PAGES 12-13

PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME: A TALE OF SURVIVAL

GIRLS TROUBLED BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS

HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, FRIENDS.

IT’S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO KEEP UP.

THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.

FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP NOVEMBER 6th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 12th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson Luke Troxell, Erica Ryder

OWNER Atish Doshi

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Why is this reception so bad?”

THE BROWN NECKTIE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not.

“I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Ex-Amish, now a model.

2

Arrested for DUI in 2013.

3

Daughter of a bishop.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HALLOWEEN 2014

HOW TO

WIN THE ATTENDANCE GAME

Consider the fact that after just three measly absences, you could potentially fail that French course. Or, on just your second absence, you could completely bomb your 6-9. After paying thousands of (not) hard-earned money in tuition and books, you deserve a little R ‘n R, right? Here are some practically fool-proof ways to defeat your prof in the totally unfair attendance game.

Bribe Them With… Drugs?: We’ve all seen Weeds, selling some hash to an English professor really isn’t all that difficult. Sure, there’s a risk they still report you, but at least you went out swinging. If they don’t seem interested in your little bribe, maybe slip something into their coffee. Roll is a little hard to take when you’re smelling colors.

Pay a Peer: Nothing says “present” like someone saying, “present.” If you just promise someone five bucks just to say one little word, how could they resist? They could buy a big ol’ cup of soup, three refills of coffee, a crappy turkey and old cheese sandwich, or a gram of cocaine from Louisville Fans – the possibilities are close to endless! $5-$10 a week is a relatively small investment anyway.

Sneak the Hell out of There: Timing is everything. The trick is to make sure they check mark that you’re there, and that you answer the first question asked voluntarily. They’ll be so impressed you answered it right, they won’t think they have to call on you again. If you answer wrong, your name starts to flash neon colors on their attendance chart, prompting

them to call on you EVERY SINGLE TIME. Challenge Them to a Dance-Off: Odds are you’ll boogie harder when a pass or fail grade is on the line. Be sure to only challenge the lessthan-averagely limber professors. Also, making sure you can actually dance is necessary. The last thing you’ll want is to lose a dance-off with a secretly-proficient-at-jitterbugging writing professor in front of your entire class… shit stings.

Cut Their Brake Lines: Granted, this is sort of putting the professor in danger, but a struggling college student has to do what a struggling college student has to do. What you have to make absolutely sure of is that they can’t trace it back to you. Whether that means taking a little refund cash and paying someone to do it, or convincing your drunk roommate to do it, is all up to you.

Vomit, Vomit Everywhere: Yeah, we know, not the advice you were hoping for. Here’s the thing – they’re not going to want you there if you’re spewing all over their classroom. It stinks and is pretty damn distracting, so do them a favor and excuse yourself… after roll. Maybe only try this once or twice though. Bonus points if you can successfully vomit on the professor.

Okay, now you’ve got some fairly viable options to beat those sons of guns at their own game.

All you’re going to need is some petty cash, drugs, a really stupid friend and/or big-ass wire cutters, puke, and a can-do attitude. May the odds be ever in your favor, gamers.

Staff wrote this

A FOR EFFORT

THE TOP TEN

Most Hellacious Group Members Other than that one recurring dream where your dad catches you taking body shots off of Stone Cold Willow’s brazen belly, group projects are a college kid’s worst nightmare. Sure, splitting one teensy project 3-to-6 ways sounds like cake! That is, until you see each turdy group member slowly squeeze their way out from the filthy bowels of The Wildcat himself with the sole intention of ruining your faith in humanity. If you’re going to have any hope of clawing your way out of the fiery pit that is your next group project, take a look at the top 10 worst group mates you’ll inevitably encounter, and prepare accordingly.

10.) Josef Stalin: The whole Soviet Union thing didn’t really go according to plan, now, Ol’ Joe’s back from the grave to try his luck in a smaller setting. This group member will silence all in his path until achieving total takeover. Suggest the group put all matters to a vote to set this sassy dictator back in his place.

PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME:

A TALE OF SURVIVAL Staff wrote this

My name is Gina McConnell and I am a survivor. Not of a plane crash, a shipwreck or even a deadly snowstorm. What I endured was more lethal than any of those things; I pre-gamed the pre-game, and I live to tell you my tale today.

It began as any other Friday here in Lexington. I had just gotten out of my math recitation when I received a text message from one of my old friends, Natalie, I hadn’t seen since freshman year. It read: “Hey! We’re pre-gaming at my place at 8 before we go out, if you don’t come I will literally fucking hate you forever….haha jk miss you!”

This is the same girl that I had to drag out of her dorm room kicking and screaming to come to parties with us freshman year, the same girl that I saw take a half hour to beer bong a single Mike’s Hard. Surely, by pre-gaming she meant have a Smirnoff Ice or two, or maybe a mixer with 95% Sprite and 5% vodka. I would have to take drinking matters into my own hands.

It was 7 p.m., time to start pre-gaming the pregame. I downed a few beers, but still wasn’t drinking quickly enough. I had to drink enough to sit through a few hours of quietly chatting and sipping on white wine. I began swiftly swigging Fireball. The bottle finished, I needed more, so I ran across the street to Big Cat Liquor. Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice ‘n loaded before this pre-game.

Finally, it was time. I emptied out the last drops of Four Loko into my tank and was on my way.

I arrived at the scene, sloshed but not too sloshed—just sloshed enough. Odd, I thought, that there were so many empty Nattys on the table. This couldn’t have been Natalie’s doing.

Sure enough, there she was shotgunning one,

and in only 10 seconds too.

She quickly invited me to come sit by her and play a game of waterfall. Somehow, every single waterfall I ended up last, chugging almost my entire beer. Next up was presidents, and guess who the asshole was all game long? It was as if time was moving in slow motion, the drinks got more painful with every dreadful sip.

I couldn’t breathe, I was going to drown myself.

Gasping for air, I ran outside.

9.) The Ice Breaker: The awkward silence and lack of pressure to make conversation with this amorphous group of hooligans is the best and most charming part about group projects! We don’t need you in here with your name games, suggesting our next meeting take place at the bowling ally, Ice Breaker.

Save that shit for your prayer group, you friendly bastard, you.

8.) The Anal Prolapse: Look it up. Then just sort of apply everything you learned about this medical condition to a person’s personality, and there ya go!

7.) The Nontraditional Student: These are the grown-ass adults whose mid-life crises compelled them to go back and give college the ol’ college try. We get it, you’re old and wise. But all that wisdom you earned from your 31 years of managing an Arby’s or raising a kid isn’t going to help us give a 20-minute speech about South American dances.

6.) The Stoner: Notice this guy strolling in 15 minutes late with a bag of Munchies in hand, laughing to himself about the name of his preferred snack, and prepare to reject multiple attempts to relate your project to the legalization of marijuana.

5.) The "Email it to Me and I’ll Put it all Together” Guy: Email the damn thing and feel the relief of a lightened load. Then, weeks later, question why that condescending bastard didn’t think you could handle the work. Adjust to life of insecurity.

At this point it was decided; I was not making it out tonight. My legs were weak, my stomach wincing. I took off walking, only to realize I was lost. My phone and wallet were MIA. I was alone in the wilderness that is LexVegas

“Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice n’ loaded before this pre-game.”

“This is how it ends” I thought. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, a mean booze blanket and a ping pong ball that I found. I named her Wendy; she was oddly comforting.

Wendy and I traveled until we could travel no more. I sat and looked off into the distance, and that’s when I saw it. The radiating glow of Lex Properties flashed before my eyes. We ran as fast as my 3-inch heels would take us. I immediately went to my cousin’s apartment and knocked on the door. When he opened the door, I dropped to the ground and kissed the sweet, sweet carpeted floor. I had done the impossible, I had survived pre-gaming the pregame.

4.) The Sorority Girl: She has a super important cooler to paint beer and American flags on, so she just can’t even. And you literally just need to understand that.

3.) The Empty Seat: There was a guy assigned to your group who remains unseen by anyone. It’s possible that he dropped the class, is effectively avoiding this misfit group of lowlifes, or doesn’t exist and is concrete proof that your teacher doesn’t give two shits about this 100-level class. All you know is, there are 5 seats, 4 butts, and someone’s doing twice as much work.

2.) Stone Cold Willow: We’re really not sure what sort of dynamic Willow might bring to your group.

One thing’s for sure, that aforementioned recurring dream is going to make things much more awkward for you.

1.) You: You’re no ray of sunshine yourself there, bud. Just sitting in the back with folded arms, callously judging everyone in your group. Get a life.

Erica Ryder wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow what’d be the first thing you’d do?

NICOLE, JUNIOR

“If I woke up as a boy, I’d pee in everything.

Bushes, holes in the ground, gutters, in bottles while I’m driving, on a cat… I would need a lot of water that day."

MATT, JUNIOR

“I would go to bars and have people buy me lots of drinks. Though I probably wouldn’t be a very pretty girl so I’m not sure how that would work out."

DEREK, SUPER SENIOR

"Commit all sorts of crimes without any disguise. They would never find me once I was back in my man body."

06

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HAPPY VETERINARIAN’S DAY

ALL-NIGHTER ENDS AT 1:00 A.M.

We keep receiving misaddressed letters at The Black Sheep corporate office since we recently changed locations.

While most of them inform us of the incredible number of free cruises we’ve won in the past year or the incredible debt we’ve managed to build up going on them, we sometimes receive interesting ones such as this letter from kindergarten student Kenny Larnsworth writing to his mother:

Staff Wrote This

Saying it was “really tough” and that she “was sure [she] was going to die,” sophomore Stacy Anthony told reporters that she spent “all night” studying for her chemistry exam before going to sleep at one in the morning.

“Look, no one likes cramming all night,” said Anthony, who left the library well before it was restricted to just the common area. “But when the choice is that or failing, you have to make the tough decision,” she continued before yawning, and noted that she got only six hours of sleep.

Anthony explained that her chemistry exam was “straight murder,” and that even with bypassing the recommended eight to ten hours of sleep she was ill-prepared. “Ugh, I just got wrecked, and I don’t even know how I could have studied any harder,” said the stu-

mom November 5, 2014 5645 W. Belmont Ave. Chicago, IL 60604

now and you don’t die with you sleep alone with them. Please tell them I said hi. Dad did not answer my phone calls today. He did not say hi.

hi Mom, happy veterenarian’s day. I hope you are having fun with your dogs Cooper, bailey, and reilly. And snickers and Hoopie. dent who managed to watch the episode of Scandal she missed from last week before finally settling down for the night.

Anthony then reportedly ordered Tolly Ho, telling a roommate, “I’m so bad,” and “Treat yo’self!” before going on Youtube and watching 20 minutes worth of Parks and Recreation bloopers.

“I normally try to plan in advance so this doesn’t happen,

but sometimes you have no choice but to go the whole nine yards and just power through it,” explained Anthony, who the night before had heard for the first time the announcement that the circulation desk was closing in 30 minutes and immediately packed up her things.

Before exiting the library, Anthony made a pouty-face and took a quick Snapchat with an 11:33 p.m. timestamp that read “Work Hard 2 Play Hard.”

WE WANT YOU!

im sorry dad left you Are teacher asked us to write leters to veterinarians for veterinarians day. She told me it is this month. This month is november. Dad hasnt called since september I told my teacher i know a veterinarian and it is my mom. She said I should be very proud. I told her you just wipe dogs butts and kill peoples cats when theyre sleeping. She laughed at me and said if only you could get to the rushins next

when mary beth showed our class her uncles dog tags I said my mom has tons of those. She called me a liar and I spilled juice on her uncle. he was blending in with things outside of the window.

I made a picture of you when we had to make paintings of a veterinarian. it has you making the sad face like when you tell that joke about dad and say everything is going to be alright. Thats my favorite one. Please tell reilly and snickers I said hello. And hoopie and bailey and cooper. love, kenny

My best friend richard said his grandpa died while being a veterinarian. He said he died a long time ago in a dog fight. Im glad they have medicine for dogs

Black Sheep Staff wrote this

Student Housing Just Steps from Campus!

LEX-PROPERTIES.COM • 859-333-8129 Now Leasing 3, 4, & 5 bedroom homes and townhomes for the 2015-16 school year

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

The Bar Grid SATURDAY! Kentucky vs. Georgia Kitchen open until 2am $4 Jack Honey

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Thursday

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Live Music!

2-4-1 Wells

Friday

Fireball Friday $1 off fireball shots!

Live and Looping

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$4 Bombs

Saturday

Kentucky vs. Georgia Kitchen open until 2am $4 Jack Honey

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry.

DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT

THE PARTY STARTS HERE!

561 S BROADWAY ROAD • LEXINGTON • (859) 317-8733

HAPPY HOUR EVERY DAY FROM 3-7pm

LOCATED AT THE LEX APARTMENT COMPLEX

The Bar Grid

Fireball Friday!

UK vs. Georgetown Big Fat Liars Live

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball LIVE MUSIC or a DJ spinning on the 1’s and 2’s...Check our Facebook page!!

Follow Us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

Punchout DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm!

Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday UK vs. Georgetown Big Fat Liars Live

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

UK vs. Georgia $12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs RPI Live and Looping No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday!

Well drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing - we supply the fish, you race them in our custom track! $2 Well Drinks and Pints, DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

Thursday

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

CAMPUS CULTURE

TEENAGE GIRLS TROUBLED

BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS Staff Wrote This While problems of self-image have long been rampant throughout the nation’s youth, new reports show that the hipster counterculture— once a bastion from the traditional standards of beauty and femininity women are inundated with every day—has created devastatingly high expectations for quirkiness. Girls like freshman Sylvia Fleming have been battling with these issues since they were young teens.

“It’s just too much to keep up with,” she said. “From every single media outlet, the sense of inadequacy is impossible to ignore. We can’t all be Annie Hall.”

As opposed to the societal obsessions of thinness and perfect proportions portrayed in women’s magazines, movies, and advertising, sources say images of quirk are found in more innocuous places.

“It’s impossible to just go to my local record store in peace without being bombarded by these images,” Fleming said. “Right when you check out, there’s Paste Magazine right in your face with Carrie Brownstein on the cover because Sleater-Kinney is getting back together. It’s inescapable. It’s my daily reminder that no matter how far I come or how quirky I am, I will never be best friends with Fred Armisen.”

Piper Cotter, an art/English/art history/women’s studies quadruple major with eleven minors, has found the inescapable nature of online content to be especially troubling. “It appears on every website,” she said. “Every feminist blog post has an aspect of intersectional theory applicable to the queer black community I haven’t thought of, every Pitchfork staff list has a 90s punk band I never heard of, and every Tumblr gif has a 30 Rock reference I don’t remember. It’s impossible to keep up.”

The intense nature of this high standard has reportedly resulted in a sense of competition between some. “Whoever gets the most likes on their cover photo that’s a screenshot of Netflix with the subtitles showing, whoever can remember the most letters from the ever-expanding LGBT acronym, it gets really nasty,” Fleming added. “It results in a real sense of failure. Sometimes I think I’ll never be good enough, in a general sense.

Will I be able to perfect the on-the-head/off-the-head hat ratio? Will I ever fall in love with someone so beautiful, talented, reclusive and strange as Jeff Mangum? It starts to eat away at you.”

One student made an impulsive decision under the pressure and told reporters she regretted her decision. “I tried to give myself that new haircut where you shave one side of your head, but I completely ruined it,” said Harper Brooks. “I shaved the top of my head. It looks like male patterned baldness.

“I look like Charles Manson,” she continued. “It looks so stupid. How did I even do this? It was such an easy mistake not to make. Just choose right or left. All I remember was turning on the trimmers and then I blacked out.”

Similar to other high standards set by popular culture, the high standards of quirkiness demand fashion and form-fitting clothes, but in an opposite direction. “The sweaters get baggier and baggier every year,” said Cotter. “Each time I go to the thrift store, it’s a struggle to try to fit into them and then try to reach the end of the enormous sleeves.”

“I’ve always wanted to be a Gertrude Stein, but I know I’m going to end up as an Emily Dickinson,” said Brooks, before leaving to pray to her shrine dedicated to Tina Belcher.

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Favorite Drink: Country Boy beer Favorite Shot: Irish car bomb • Disgusting Drink: Lime-a-Ritas What drink is much better in the winter than it is in the summer?: Bourbon, because it keeps you warm.

As a bartender, what do you see as an acceptable tipping policy?: Always 20% or more, unless it’s REALLY terrible.

Make an argument for fall being the best season: Leggings and football. Duh. Where’s the most surprising place you’ve ever found money?: The dentist’s office.

Who is your favorite alumnus of Kentucky?: My big sister, because she’s awesome and I love her.

What are you terrible at, but fine with being terrible at?: Dancing The puny mortals have offended you, m’lord, what shall we do with them?: They have to go to all my classes and take all my notes.

JACK of HUGH JASS

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it's entertaining (and they're not trying to sell you anything!).

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

STRIPPING THE COLD

OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH

Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...

If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.

What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm.

Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one.

Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather.

How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting.

- Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on).

- Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on.

- When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off.

- Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.

What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS).

Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight.

Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate.

- Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!)

- After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it.

- Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends.

- What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich.

- You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.

The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.

Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.

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In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hulahooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers.

Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX

Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide.

Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each

Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot

Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribalsounding drum music.

to 11.71 at the present.

How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.

Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld.

Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny.

Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.

Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already.

Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.)

How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line

Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC

between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, liongod of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.

Summary: Eliza, a social media fiend and popular personality, is ruined after an embarrassing selfie goes viral. In order to save her image, she hires a self-image marketing expert who reluctantly agrees despite his utter annoyance at everything she does. Essentially, it’s every single show ever made where two opposite personalities clash, except they think if they add enough social media references, young people will watch it.

Apparently this is not the case.

Ratings: After debuting at 5.31 million viewers, those figures

How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.

Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC

Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of.

week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating).

Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million.

How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part.

He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.

How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day.

Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.

Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX

Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her.

How clever.

Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.

How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.

have dropped to 3.82 million weekly.

How to Fix It: An elderly man who is lonely after being widowered by his late wife decides to enlist his young neighbor to teach him how to use technology in order to make new friends and find a new, younger wife. Over the course of their teachings, a bond is formed between the two neighbors, who begin to manipulate their technological prowess to trick beautiful women into going out with them, mostly through the use of cleverly-angled and extremely-filtered selfies.

Know Your Album covers

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Do you know all 9 of these album covers?

Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com.

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3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show?

4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site.

8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film?

9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information?

10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who?

11) The 4th album by The Who. 15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation.

16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words) 18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who?

19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this.

5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter?

6) Tom Petty's band.

7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s.

12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band.

13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous character, two words.

14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things.

17) A popular company, owned by Entenmann’s, that makes English muffins.

DOWN: 2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals?

4) Tom Brady played football for which university?

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