Vol. 3, Issue 7
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E WA ... LIK LKI E CH NG TO T EST PA HE 3 INS RD AFT FLO ER OR .
2/27/14 - 3/5/14
5 WAYS TO LURE UK STUDENTS TO CLASS IN THE COLD TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS The last time you braved the cold to get to class your left testicle froze solid and fell off in the Funkhouser parking lot. One’s going to class until spring, which is so far away we might actually see Jarrod Polson pry his ass off the bench before then. UK Professors have noticed the decrease in attendance this semester, and for fear of the university losing oh-so-preciousfunds due to low test scores (they get paid whether you go to class or not), they’re scrambling for ways to fill the vacant seats in their classrooms. Since at this point it seems like it’s going to be cold forever, The Black Sheep put together a list of potential ways the university could lure us out from under our warm, womb-like covers and get us going to class again. Fingers crossed President Capilouto is an avid reader. CLASS CATERED BY RED BANG BANG: You might actually feel motivated enough to put on pants and go outside if there was free Chinese food involved. Most of us have refrigerators stocked with ramen noodles and week-old mac n’ cheese with fuzzy green mold on top. Going to class and receiving several scoops of all-you-caneat Bang Bang Chicken seems like a fair enough trade off. WET CAMPUS SWAG: Chemical engineering makes so much more sense when you’ve got your favorite organic compound
flowing through your veins. Imagine your classmates pouring you LITs, the classroom smelling like grenadine and fermented fruit, and taking a body shot off of the Class-4 hottie who always asks to copy your notes. After tossing back a few tequila shots, you’re definitely willing to ponder the makings of the universe, discuss why Flappy Bird is a multimedia sensation, and analyze why Louisville fans are a necessary human evil. NAP TIME COUNTS: You sleep through your anthropology lecture anyway, but now your beauty sleep routine would count for points on your exam., You’d wake up at 7:50, get to class by 8, and then sleep another half hour until 8:30 — that’s half a letter grade right there. Extra credit for wearing your blue flannel pajama bottoms to class. ALLOW GUEST LECTURES HOSTED BY UK CELEBRITIES: If Ashley Judd were teaching you about the stock market, you would damn well learn everything there is to know about NASDAQ. If Stone Cold Willow wanted to talk to you about amoebic dysentery, you sure as hell would show up early, pay attention, and ask relevant questions just to watch him squirm. Front row seat, please. OPRAH-STYLE GIVEAWAYS: If your name was entered into a raffle for a new Corvette (of the non-sinkhole variety) every time you showed up for class, would you ever sleep
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through your alarm? Yeah, we don’t think so. Students would receive prizes for not only showing up, but also for asking questions and pretending to learn. “Professor, can you tell me more about the economic fallout of the Holocaust?” Boom! You just won an iPad! “Professor, I came to class to-
day with the correct homework completed.” Bam! You get a paid vacation to the Bahamas! After all, we do pay thousands of dollars for professors to fail us. We should at least get a free coffee! If professors expect us to step foot in the
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JUST STAMP THAT SPRING BREAK BOD!
GO ON AND GET SWOLE, NO JOHNSON CENTER NECESSARY.
frozen tundra that is Lexington right now, they need to make going to class worth it. Until UK students get the chance to learn from supermodels, nap or pour shots midlecture, this cold is going to keep us out of lectures and staying home to look at supermodels and pour shots mid-nap.
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MARCH “MADNESS”
BARTENDER OF THE WEEK
DON’T CATCH MARCH MADNESS TOO EARLY, IT JUST MIGHT MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING CRAZY.
CHECKOUT DJ GARY KLASS OR TWO KEYS, YOU COULD BE SEEING HIM AT BEAUXARTS BALL!
KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM