The Black Sheep
FRE E... LIK OF Y E THE F OUR RIES FRI AT T END HE ’S B BOT AG. TOM
Vol. 3, Issue 6
2/20/14 - 2/26//14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
UK EQUESTRIAN TEAM ADOPTS DARWINIAN APPROACH, SHEDS WEAKEST MEMBERS TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS
The UK equestrian team has adopted a Darwinian approach to their team in light of “sucking serious horse c*ck.” To put head coach Diana Conlon’s words in lighter terms, she believes that to make a better team, they need a smaller team. Therefore, she has devised a jousting tournament to “weed out” everyone who can’t ride with the grace of an angel, the power of a thunder god, and as royally as the Queen of England herself. “We need to cut our dead weight,” says Conlon. “This team is like a herd of horses in the wild, and in the wild, there is natural selection. Some horses get sick, fall down, and die out. Some horses are pinned against each other in a fight to the death. It’s natural, and that’s what I plan to do with this team. Let the piece of shit, weak-ass horse riders die out like a Garrano among Campolinas — HA! That’s a little horse humor for ya.” Thus, Conlon organized a jousting tournament amongst the team last Thursday in the traditional medieval style. Each team member was equipped with lances, medieval jousting armor, and war paint. “We all already had emergency jousting armor,” says Tiffany Baylor, UK junior in chemistry. “It’s given to us when we join the team, in case of a situation like this or if Obama takes all our guns away and there’s a revolution… Anyway, mine has the crest of my family painted on it, and I will represent my house honorably, even if it means dying.” Baylor told The Black Sheep that a jousting competition like this has occurred one other time in UK’s history, “and it wasn’t even for the equestrian team!
It was the way UK presidents originally seized power… Not many people know this university has been around since the middle ages, which is why we have such a strong history with horses and were almost the Kentucky Mustangs.” The event itself attracted a crowd of several hundred students, who watched while equestrian team members competed for the glory, honor, and ability to remain on a UK team that no one really knows or cares about. “I didn’t even know we had an equestrian team until today,” said David Jackson, UK senior. “In fact, I don’t even know what equestrian is? Horse dancing? But hell, if they hosted more violent medieval events like this, maybe I would have realized sooner!” he continued, biting a huge chunk out of a giant turkey leg. “I just saw some chick on a horse get smashed in the face by huge stick thing. I mean, this is better than watching the Harrison Twins slam dunk simultaneously, by far!” During the event, Coach Conlon sat atop a gold and blue throne and oversaw the proceedings. She held a goblet of wine in one hand and a turkey leg in the other while drunkenly yelling things like “Start the damn joust before I piss myself,” “More wine!” and “Squire, bring thine supple body hither!” Baylor ultimately made the team, alongside four other equestrian team students. The other twenty-eight equestrian hopefuls ended the match bloody, defeated, and according to Conlon “crying like widows.” Seven now-former team members had to be taken
away in an ambulance for a variety of jousting-related injuries. The Black Sheep caught up with Jenna Oakley at the University of Kentucky Medical Center. “My spleen is ruptured, my lower spine is fractured, and I’ve lost all sense of smell,” said Oakley. “But I jousted honorably. Our former university presidents would have been proud.” Oakley’s parents, however, do not share the same sentiment. They are filing a lawsuit against UK, as Mr. Jacob Oakley was outraged: “My daughter’s jousting
armor was obviously tampered with, and I would know because I bought it from the best booth at a Live-Action-Role-Play event at RennFest. This kind of injustice would not have been tolerated in the prestigious world of LARP-ing. UK needs to hold their jousting tournaments to a higher standard.” Coach Kennedy felt strongly that the Oakley’s lawsuit was futile: “Fools! I am queen of all things equestrian! They shan’t defy me!” Then, after a moment to adjust her long, velvet robes she added, “Also, their daughter sucks at jousting. She can try again next year.”
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PAGES 10-11
GUY ON INTRAMURAL TEAM CAN DUNK, BUT WON’T
HOW SNOW AFFECTS INDIGENOUS WILDCATS
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: BIG GIGANTIC
MORE OF A CURSE THAN A BLESSING, A HARROWING TALE OF HUMILITY AND TRIUMPH.
AT LEAST THE GROUNDHOG GETS TO BURY ITSELF UNDERGROUND.
KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
WE CHAT WITH JEREMY SALKEN OF THE FUNKY HIP-HOP AND JAZZ DUO.