Kentucky - Issue 6 - 10/16/2014

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

Fre e! L ide ike or as f igin rom al c Buz ostu zFe me ed.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

BIG BLUE HYSTERIA Luke Troxell wrote this This year’s rendition of Big Blue Madness has a lot more to look forward to than past years. With the star-studded, probably-better-than-yourfavorite-NBA-team roster, the conquest for 40-0 is not out of the picture.

Outside of knocking back a few before catching the first glimpse of this year’s basketball team, there are a few other things you can look forward to at BBM this October 17th.

MATTHEW MITCHELL’S DANCE: Like the “No Smoking” sign on campus, UK’s women’s hoops team is often overlooked by many Big Blue Brethren. Nonetheless, Matthew Mitchell’s annual introduction at BBM might be the best fine arts performance to ever occur in the history of time. With past performances featuring dance moves from “Thriller,”“Can’t Touch This,” and “Teach Me How to Dougie,” it’s truly a mystery as to what Mitchell will do this year to awe fans in preparation for Coach Cal. Many speculate he might just come out twerking, while the rest of us figure out why the hell a middleaged man would even consider backin’ that thang up. Bust out that Schmoney dance Matt, show everyone that BBN knows how to party.

COACH CAL’S SPEECH: To all freshmen who have never experienced how we do things around here: When this man—nay, GOD—talks, you shut the hell up. When this man walks past you, you kneel down and kiss his ring. Coach Cal’s speech at Big Blue Madness may be one the most awe-inspiring, motivating, spectacles you’ll ever witness. He’ll definitely exclaim “YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!” and we’ll deliriously applaud in approval. You’re damn right we’re crazy. We fantasize about basketball like Sigma Chi’s dream about Ronald Reagan. He’ll talk about how we’re the gold standard of college basketball, making any Louisville fan watching at home shave his shitty line beard, remove his crusty wife beater, and tweet #BBN in an attempt to fit in with us. The speech will move millions in the BBN in a way that only we could be moved.

THE PRESENTATION: In past years Rupp Arena’s sacred floor has been used as a projector screen, and players have descended from the rafters like Greek gods coming to awe us with their freakish athletic ability. Both are huge

wastes of money to the common man as tuition almost certainly increased in order to provide us with such theatrics. However, let us be with the first to proclaim, when it comes to making UK basketball look better than other programs, spare no expense. Go all out, Mitch Barnhart. Blow shit up, retract the roof and fly every player in on a replica of Air Force One, install speakers bigger than Ricky P’s ego to project our shit across the world. Do what you gotta do to have this year’s BBM make the rest of college basketball wish even more that

they could be us.

While you should definitely look forward to all these things at Big Blue Madness this year, let us also remind you of the most significant aspect of this year’s season tip-off: THIS IS POSSIBLY THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF COLLEGE BASKETBALL’S FIRST 40-0 TEAM IN 40 YEARS. So get ready BBN, get your ass to Rupp Arena, and show the world why we kick the college basketball world’s ass.

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PAGES 12-13

STUDENT FINALLY GETS POINTS TAKEN OFF EXAM FOR SNEEZING

THE EVOLUTION OF YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS

WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?

SERVES HIM RIGHT!

IF YOU’RE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED, THEN JUST BE A CAT.

FOLLOW OUR FLOWCHART TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP OCTOBER 16th, 2014 - OCTOBER 22nd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Shekinah Alfaro

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson Luke Troxell

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE CARPET CLEANER

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Four peyote caps later, the world had successfully cracked revenge on Miley Cyrus’ vocal cords.”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

MALAPOOPISM Accidentally or purposely shitting where one shan’t shit.

Bridget claimed her best malapoopism was the time she left a brown baked present in the trunk of an ex-lover’s Honda Accord.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Owner of Craft restaurants.

2

Made a cameo in season one of HBO’s Treme.

3

For a short time, ran a website, EatDrinkOrDie.com

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 4 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

REAL PPL

Student Finally Gets Points Taken Off Exam for Sneezing Staff wrote this During a macroeconomics exam last week, Charlie Owens sneezed and sniffled the entire time. While nothing is usually done about incidents like this, Professor Werner Baer decided to take a stand. Many students are praising his actions, calling it a “revolutionary act that will change test-taking for good.”

“I couldn’t stand by and let this student ruin the testing environment while all the other students sat captive, unable to do anything,” Baer told The Black Sheep.

Baer confessed that his initial reaction was to walk up to the student and bellow, “Get out, you useless piece of shit!” but said that he recanted, waiting until Owens came to turn in his test.

After bringing his test forward, Baer recalls that he “took him downstairs and told him how irresponsible it was for him to bring his sickness into a crowd of hundreds of students. “My God, he could have Ebola for all we know!” one student yelled. Baer then took 25 points off Owens’ test, and gave all the students

in a 10-foot radius 25 extra points.

Freshman Lilly Herman was sitting next to Owens during his sneezing fits and agreed with the punishments Baer meted out. “I’ve seen plenty of sneezing fits in my time here, but Charlie was out of control,” Herman remembered. “And I think giving the students around him 25 points was a totally necessary measure. I heard he has Ebola,” she continued with wide eyes.

However, not all students are happy with the decision, namely Owens. “This whole thing is a joke,” Owens angrily sputtered. “How am I supposed to control how much I’m sneezing? Sure, maybe I could’ve taken some Mucinex, but come on.”

While he has tried to rally support among his fellow students, Owens informed us they have been far from receptive. “They’ll typically say things like, ‘serves you right, idiot’ and, ‘good,

I’m going to actually start paying attention in Baer’s lectures for now on, he’s the man,’” Owens said with a look that made us almost feel bad for him. He also mentioned that he’s been attempting to build a case to bring to the administration, but unfortunately with the lack of support, he’s been unable to build a following large enough to even get on their radar.

“How am I supposed to control how much I’m sneezing? Sure, maybe I could’ve taken some Mucinex, but come on.”

Twitter activist Suey Park, however, says that she is just the person to help bring Owens’ issue to relevancy. “This is a free speech problem, not a points

problem,” contends Park. In Park’s mind, Owens has the right to sneeze wherever he may please, and the university’s attempt to infringe upon that right is an atrocity. While we’re told that the all-powerful President Eli Capilouto scoffs at the idea of sneezing being what the founding fathers referred to in the First Amendment, Park refuses to back down. “I will tweet #righttosneeze until my dying breath, or at least until people stop retweeting it,” Park said

with a conviction not seen since Captain Edward Smith went down with the Titanic.

Whatever becomes of Owens’ grade, one thing is for certain: He’ll never sniffle in class again, let alone sneeze. And while some may oppose his punishment, the majority of the populace can breathe a collective sigh of relief that sneezers will think twice before emptying their sinuses during an exam.

#MORALS

THE TOP TEN

Sexiest

Halloween Costumes The weather is chilling and the leaves are turning orange. Whatever pumpkin concoction you can imagine exists, and the seasonal aisle is filled with giant bags of candy meant for you to pass out to strange children, when in reality you finish off a mega bag of Kit-Kats while binge watching South Park on Hulu. Since this amazing holiday will soon be here, it’s a good idea to start thinking about that costume, and start saving, because everyone knows less fabric equals higher price tags! Here at The Black Sheep, we want to help you ladies get a head start on all your friends and be sure to bring home the cutest guy of Halloween night.

MURDER

Terrible Crime or Hilarious Prank?

Staff wrote this We know what you’re thinking, “but The Black Sheep, murder is wrong always all the time forever!” You’re right Suzy, The Black Sheep in no way endorses the murder of anyone living or dead (that’s right, we support the lives of the undead as well). But this Halloween season, kids are just going bananas with murder pranks. With the popularization of shows like Dexter and Criminal Minds (and the simultaneous popularization of binge watching these shows on Netflix), college students know so much about murder and how to not make mistakes that it’s become the biggest fad since Tinder’s “automatic gross pick-up line” button.

We asked Detective Lance Buttons what he thought about the issue. “Basically,” said Buttons with a dramatic pause, “we’ve got what we think are students planning the elaborate murders of their roommates and professors.

Whenever we ask students if they were near the incidents or if they took part in the grizzly acts, they just start laughing and saying things like ‘oh snap! He got got!’ and ‘dude, what a sick burn, that is hilarious.’ I mean what can we do with that? These kids are scary.”

Buttons went on to say that the crime scenes were always wiped clean and there was literally no evidence. When asked about the possibility that there was only one serial killer, Buttons replied “that’s what we thought at first, but every victim is killed in a different way and always with a different object. We have wounds that were inflicted by male, female, and androgynous killers with left hands, right hands, and even people without hands murdering with their feet. But we can’t even narrow down who the ‘foot killer’ is because of UK’s giant armless community on campus.”

Apparently the trend was started by “that hacker 4chan” who went on his website and showed how he “totally pranked his roommate into getting killed.” Since then, 37 people have been murdered and the investigation seems to be at an impasse. Detective Pete Chapeau, partner to Buttons, told us, “the police have decided not to do anything else. We really think this is just a fad and it’ll probably go out of style, just like everything else.” When we asked why they were treating a series of awful murders so casually, Chapeau responded, “look, I don’t like Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus either. But what am I supposed to do, arrest them because they’re what’s cool right now? That’s stupid! You’re stupid!” After a ten minute volley of us calling him stupid back, we left feeling defeated.

This fad may have come as a result of students who have become nihilistic after one too many philosophy classes, or perhaps the students raised by helicopter parents found a new way to rebel. Either way, the new fad is scaring the shit out of us.

We spoke with C.D. Romknee, a frat star-looking guy who we happened to run into at all the crime scenes. “Bro, it’s like this: you could be like the guys in Neighbors and have a prank war back and forth, but how do you win a prank war? What’s the biggest prank you can pull on someone? Just straight up murdering them. I mean… I haven’t done it,” he told us while shifting his eyes back and forth, “but, you know, I get it.”

Hopefully the trend ends soon, otherwise Halloween is going to be scary as fuck. The Black Sheep reminds you that when you’re at that party on the 31st, people won’t just tap your beer to make it overflow, they’ll just straight up stab you, son. Watch your back.

10.) Sexy Hamburglar: This costume justifies indulging yourself on dozens of hamburgers. Sexy hamburgers. Guys love a lady that can handle her meat, and horizontal stripes are slimming, or something.

9.) Seductive Willy Wonka: The perfect costume for those who like to spend time with little people, stuff their face with candy, and have daddy issues. A perfect combo that every guy at the University of Kentucky is sure to love.

8.) Sassy Patrick Star: Nothing says, “Hi, let’s bang” like being a fat, pink starfish that is dumber than rocks. H-O-T is what you’ll be in this oversized latex-and-foam jumpsuit.

7.) Miss Mario: Everyone’s favorite Italian plumber has just unlocked a new achievement: gender bending! Now you’ll be ready to save that prince in overalls yourself. What do you mean she’s in another castle, Toad? Guess that means we’re going to a new house party. Don’t forget the mustache.

6.) Hottie Orphan Annie: Who doesn’t want to spend some time with that adorable little ginger?

Just be sure the boys bring some very fat stacks, because Daddy Warbucks needs some competition for your affection.

5.) Temptress Elmo: The costume that allows you to be completely self-centered and narcissistic because it really is all about you! Being that adorable red monster all grown up is sure to make the Wildcats purr with affection.

4.) Busty Buzz Lightyear: A boy’s favorite plaything for when he gets too big for his toys. Be sure to purchase the additional Taser laser that goes along with the costume for full effect. It’ll help keep the big creeps away!

3.) Porno Pikachu: Sure, it may be borderline bestiality, but who wouldn’t want to catch this little creature? Every Wildcat knows you gotta catch ’em all: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and so forth.

2.) Sultry Olaf, of Frozen Fame: Who doesn’t want to be a snowman this year when that creepy, living snowman is you? Don’t forget your lovable catch phrase! “Hi, I’m Olaf, and I like to f*ck!”

1.) Barney Babe: Everyone’s favorite purple dinosaur that everyone is clamoring to get their hands on! “I love you, you love me, let’s go have sex behind that tree.” Yeah, you can finish the rest of the song.

May your Halloween evening be filled with liquor, candy, liquor-soaked candy, and a regrettable night with those four guys dressed up like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Natalie S. wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever asked someone?

APRIL, SOPHOMORE "Probably how to spell something.

I'm a terrible speller."

ERIN, FRESHMAN "I asked a girl if her 4-year-old and her 2-year-old were twins."

JOHN, FRESHMAN "'Are you pregnant?'

Turns out she was just fat.”

06

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The Evolution of Your Halloween Costume in 10 Simple Steps Staff wrote this

Halloween is a special celebration and here in Kentucky, we ladies like to celebrate by adding unnecessary stress to our alreadystressful lives in the form of excessive costumes. While every costume is different, the process of finalizing that costume is one in the same. Here, we reveal that process.

NO STRESS, NO STRESS, NO STRESS: The moment your mind

first settles on Halloween in all its glory you still have about three page flips in your agenda until the actual date. Your pretty little mind doesn’t quite comprehend that Halloween is a weeklong bender that you’ll need to plan at least three different outfits for three different events with three different groups of people.

THE GROUP CHAT:

Your annoyingly Type A friend will begin the group chat in which everyone will share her wildly impractical group costume ideas.

Every single one will be turned down for a variety of reasons: too expensive, too complicated, too unoriginal, so original that no one will understand it, etc. You’ll share about 149 texts, but don’t be fooled: you still have zero plans.

INTERNAL STRIFE: You come to

notice that that girl you invited into your costume group chat out of the goodness of your hearts— who you really don’t even like that much anyway—hasn’t responded to your TY Beanie Baby costume idea, which obviously everyone adores. A little digging uncovers that the mutinous betch has joined another costume group; they’re being crayons. Whatever, Beanie Babies > crayons.

TRIMMING THE FAT: The group chat is dead. Out of the 10 girls who were just days ago so into your TY Beanie Babies idea, only 5 remain. It’s fine, though. A smaller group will be easier to Instagram.

And crayons are stupid.

PANIC: You’ve been slaving over your classes and that sorority philanthropy event and the fraternity you know will make you sweetheart if you just bake them one more batch of bacon maple cupcakes when you suddenly realize that Halloweekend is a mere three days away. You have to make your TY Beanie Babies costume ASAP Rocky and a trip to Michaels might as well be considered a daycation, considering the time it requires.

You’re so screwed.

CONFIRM PANIC: You text the

new group chat– crayons be damned– to see how the other girls are coming along with their costumes. They all share their totally legitimate excuse as to why they haven’t even begun to think of their costume construction. You’re all on the same page, at least. You plan a costume-making party for the following evening, and one of the girls promises to bring a bottle

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of wine to spice up the process.

Cease panic… for now.

THE “COSTUME-MAKING PARTY”: You show up 30

minutes late to the party only to discover that the first bottle of wine has already been destroyed, and your friends are well on their way to destruction themselves.

No scissors, no construction paper, no costume-making. Just wine. Oh well, you needed a girls’ night anyway, and you have time to make the costume tomorrow.

The day before. It’s totally cool.

IT’S NOT TOTALLY COOL:

The crayons have already Instagrammed their costumes and they are immaculate. They’ll look even better when they’re on.

And there’s glitter. You wonder if they even make glitter crayons.

You vow to skip your classes and convince your costume pals to do the same. It’s for the Beanie Babies. Do it for the Beanie Babies.

THE INEVITABLE DISCOVERY: You aren’t crafty. Your friends aren’t crafty. Your Beanie Baby ear tags look like melted science projects. There’s no way you can wear them in public, especially considering the quality of the enemy crayon clan’s getups. Time for Plan B.

YOU’RE A CAT:

You somehow knew it would come to this all

along. You even managed to find your cat ears 2 weeks ago in the black hole that is your costume box. You and your friends justify the laziness that is your decision with claims like “we’ll look so good in black” and “boys don’t even like girls with crazy costumes.”You promise that next year, you’ll do better.

Spoiler alert: you won’t.

N OT H A P P Y W I T H YO U R H O U S I N G ?

LEXINGTONSTUDENTHOUSING.COM

The Bar Grid Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles & $3 Well Drinks Kitchen Open to 2am 365 days a year!

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Friday

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Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

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Saturday

Wildcats @ LSU 7:30 $5 Jack Daniels Cocktail in a Stadium Cup, $4 Bacardi Cocktails

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Sunday

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Monday

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Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

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Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry.

DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

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Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday

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SUNDAY: NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

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Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

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Wed.

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Thursday

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

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PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CURRENT EVENTS

Lexington Police Raid Underground StudentProfessor Fight Club Staff wrote this

Four professors and almost a dozen students are in custody after Lexington police raided a supposed “fight club” ring in the basement of White Hall.

“Professor Walters said I could show up here for an extra credit assignment,” student Jeff Peters, recently released on bond, noted, “I bombed my first Chemistry exam and I needed all the help I could get. I walked in and he’s just, like, shirtless and sweaty and I was ready to suck his dick I guess, but then this other student came out of the shadows and socked him right in the mouth. Blood got all over me, but it was a little better than that other option.”

Lexington police received a call around 10 p.m. Sunday night from 23-year-old ISU student Tommy Smith. Smith said he saw 3 of his own professors sneak into the building while one of them stood by the door letting in what appeared to be students.

“I saw not one, but three of my own

professors enter the building. They looked sweaty and up to no good,“ said Smith, “when I saw a former classmate of mine enter the building along with the other students I felt it was my duty to call the police.”

“Ambitious students looking to earn a 4.0 have to knock a professor out cold.”

Police entered the building to find nothing out of the ordinary until they got to the basement. When the doors opened they saw a blood bath.

Professors and students were violently attacking each other. Limbs were being cracked left and right. There were several toes, dozens of bloody teeth, and an eyeball on the ground.

“It was a complete shit-storm in turd town,” said LPD Officer Moore “it was

like a zoo full of angry, uncivilized baboons on a mission to make the dean’s list by beating the crap out of their instructors. These people need Jesus.”

The LPD began making arrests shortly after the shock wore off. “It was a challenging task because adrenaline was high,” Moore whispered, staring into the distance, “we couldn’t tame these rabid students and teachers, they weren’t going down without a fight. One student even bit his chemistry professor’s ear off.”

“It’s my senior year and I have to pass this class to graduate,” said student Gary Clark, “he told me if I want to pass I better not go easy on him, so naturally I went for his ear and bit that fucker off.”

“The students were told that the more severely they could injure their professor the higher the grade they would receive,” said Officer Moore, “I haven’t seen anything this ungodly in

all my years as an officer.”

Students were told blows below the belt earned a 1.5 or 2.0 GPA, depending on how strong it was.

Stomach shots earned students anywhere from a 2.5 to a 3.0 in the class, the more internal bleeding the higher the grade. Anything from the neck up would merit a 3.5. Ambitious students looking to earn a 4.0 have to knock a professor out cold.

“As of now, we have about 30 students in custody,” said Moore, “all of the teachers involved are on their way to the hospital. These students were brutal… They were all going for 4.0s…

The savages...”

Students and teachers involved in the scandal will meet for a court trial next Monday. There is no answer whether the teachers and students will be able to stay at the university.

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: It's complicated… with PBR Major: Marketing and management • Favorite Drink: A free one Favorite Shot: Pickleback (Jameson and pickle juice) • Disgusting Drink: A spilt one If you had to go down a Slip N’ Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Goldschlager, ‘cause that’s ballin’. Who wouldn’t want get tanked and slide on flakes of gold.

Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: Nah, I’ll probably just bust out the robot and hope they cool.

What old timey slang word do you want to bring back into mainstream?: “WHO, MIKE JONES?” To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom 5 minutes.”?: Definitely Obama. I would change things.

BECCA of TWO KEYS

THE DRINKING GAME PIN THE TAIL ON THE RA

Is there anything a good ole fashioned karate chop won’t solve?: Definitely not Chlamydia.

A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: Blind, duh.

Which Taco Bell menu item best represents your personality?: Verde, 'cause I get money. *throws stacks* Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Frizzy hair. Just tell it to stay the hell away from me.

What do you think will be the most overused Halloween costume this year?: Drunk sluts in dirty cop outfits.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause the advice for freshman is usually lifealtering.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER SUGAR-COATED CAVITY FILLING

It’s been a few months since you moved into your new dorm and you’re understandably tired of hearing shit from your RA about not “getting blacked out in the halls” or “puking in the water fountain instead of the toilet.” Whatever. It’s time to show the boss who’s boss. Follow these rules and you’ll successfully pin the tail on your RA.

Hey, you little three–year-old, you still have to go to the dentist? You still have to get fillings? Did you have too much candy this weekend? Maybe next time let your babysitter know your limitations. Or grow up and stop eating three pounds of Sour Patch Kids every week, you’re 20 years old for crissake. It’s time to move on to red meat and salads.

What You’ll Need: A pin, a piece of paper that says “ASSHOLE,” and enough speed to run away from a nerd who’s still a RA. Number of Players: You and an unsuspecting loser.

Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to stab your RA in the ass with a pin.

What You’ll Need: The maturity of a kindergartener, about $1.59 cents at a gas station, a lack of self-pride and an abundance of self-indulgence.

Fatty Factor: The weight you’ll gain in fat you’ll lose in missing teeth, don’t worry about it.

How to Play: - Hold a grudge for a notice you were given weeks ago for peeing in your neighbor’s fridge.

- Don’t pee for an entire week.

- Finally release your urine on your RA’s doorstep as a warning shot.

- When you’re done hosing down your RA’s door, knock and hide next to the entrance while giggling.

- Wait for your RA to open the door, slip and fall face-first into your golden pond.

- When the RA is face-down, ass-up, pin the piece of paper that reads, “ASSHOLE” into the RA’s butt.

- #GTFO and RUN. The Game Ends When: You don’t wake up to a notice on your door and think the operation was a success, turn the corner and find two police officers waiting to bring you to the station.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Instead of accepting an invitation from a friend to go out to the bars, stay indoors and eat four bags of popcorn.

- Once you realize you’ll need something sweet to balance out all that salt, gather your quarters and go to the store for some candy.

- Take one pound of Twizzlers, three cups of gummy bears and a 48 oz. sack of Sour Patch Kids and mix them in a bowl.

- Grab a spoon and dig in (whipped cream on top is optional but recommended).

- When you feel a sharp pain and hear a loud pop in your mouth, ignore it and continue eating.

- Fall asleep with the spoon in your mouth and an empty bowl on your stomach.

- Wake up to the feeling of not being able to breathe, discover you’re choking.

- Cough up one of the fillings you received last week, throw away and continue eating like the proud fourth-grader you’ve set out to be.

Sure, you’re probably going to die at the age of 24 with clogged veins and a sugar headache so bad your eyes begin oozing glucose, but my god, death and social disgrace has never tasted so good.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?

If you’re seeing your dorm covered in spider webs, with a multitude of carved pumpkins, and an occasional exorcism happening at your local Catholic church, then it must be Halloween. And because it’s Halloween it must mean there are sorority and fraternity parties or house parties that you’ll be attending. There will be some awesome parties full of orange Jell-O shots and slutty costumes, and then there will be those parties that have bobbing for apples and the Halloweentown series playing in the corner. Now, one party may sound better than the other. The Black Sheep is here to help you determine which kind of party you’re attending. Enjoy whatever party you choose. PS: We hope you win the costume contest.

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