Kentucky - Issue 5 - 2/13/2014

The Black Sheep

COM FREE ES W ... LIK ITH E TH BEI E SH NG ON AME T UK MA HAT KEO UTS .

Vol. 3, Issue 5

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/13/14 - 2/19/14

LET’S PLAY ‘SHIP IT! BY: CASSANDRA SHOUSE Derived from the word “relationship,” ‘shipping is the act of pairing two or more individuals, fictional or not, together. In honor of Valentine’s Day we’ve decided to “‘ship” some of UK’s iconic characters with people we think would make the perfect other half.

Coach Calipari and Leigh Anne Tuohy: Coach Cal and his Cats are in a slump this season. So, to help UK secure their place in the Final Four we’d ship Coach Calipari and Leigh Anne Tuohy. Tuohy, the real-life ballbusting mother and athletic guru portrayed in the movie (and book) The Blind Side could be that extra push the Cats need on the court — and an off-court affair would surely light a little fire under Coach Cal’s genitals.

Though her expertise lies more in football, if a woman can make an NFL player out of Michael Oher then she could definitely inspire Willie C-S to get his head out of his ass.

President Capilouto and Leslie Knope: With all the talk about downsized parking and privatized housing and dining services, it’s apparent Capilouto needs some assistance in making better decisions. This is where Leslie Knope comes in. Knope, an ambitious councilwoman from Pawnee, Indiana whose dedication towards fixing her own community is unmatched, could definitely fix ours. With Knope acting as the Hillary to Capilouto’s Bill she could get the university to focus on its students while bringing in our own Lil’ Sebastian to boost morale around here. There would also be free waffles of course, and the school year would be significantly shorter since almost every day in Knope’s calendar is a holiday.

The Harrison Twins and the Olsen Twins: If anything can be learned from Cauley-Stein dying his hair and the ensuing uproar, it’s that image is everything. So, when the Harrison Twins inevitably make their transition to the NBA they’re going to need to know all about branding. Who better to teach these twins a thing or two about marketing than the original minimogul Olsen twins? The Olsen sisters’ career started modestly enough on Full House and grew into their own brainwashing corporation in the years that followed. With the Olsen Twins know-how, we’d soon be seeing instant classics like It Takes Two + Two or Switching Hoops. Let’s ignore the fact that the Olsen twins are nearly 10 years older than these guys, because that’s depressing.

Scratch and Miley Cyrus: Our mascot is a known party animal and a hot mess — that’s why we love him. Since we wouldn’t want any boring

what’s-her-face to change him for the worse, then who better to ship with Scratch with than Miley Cyrus? Cyrus, a Southern belle with a rebellious streak and a fondness for giant stuffed animals could be the jelly in one messed up PB and J. Actually, we just pictured Scratch going down the Bieber path, and it was ugly. Let’s not ship these two.

hope for years for immigrants coming into America. Like Lady Liberty, Patterson sits in the middle of the courtyard between Whitehall and Patterson waiting stoically to greet new and promising students. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” especially during finals week.

The Patterson Statue and the Statue of Liberty: The Statue of Liberty and the Patterson Statue have a lot in common, so it’s only natural for these two to be ‘shipped. The Statue of Liberty has been a symbol of

Now it’s only a matter of time before these couples break up and blow your Twitter newsfeed to oblivion, but the fan-fic ideas that we’ve stirred up are well worth the future hangovers from heartbreak.

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UK VALENTINES FOR THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL

THINGS FOR SINGLE PEOPLE TO DO ON VALENTINE’S DAY

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Point-Counterpoint:

Flowers vs. Chocolates KITTY KAT & TEX MEX WROTE THIS It’s crunch time for Valentine’s Day gifts, and you don’t have much of a selection left at Walgreens by now. You have to decide between the two February 14 staples: flowers and chocolates. You only have $5 to spend because you’ve already committed to a $30 Olive Garden dinner with your lady lover. Which one do you choose?

Kitty Kat: If you want to keep your valentine past the holiday, get her flowers. Why? Because they’re friggin’ beautiful, that’s why. Nothing else shows your girl that she’s exquisite, fresh, full of life and brilliant colors, and that she smells good (girls don’t like being smelly).

It’s all metaphorical. Flowers are a special little reminder every time she walks by that she’s loved by a sweet gentleman who was smart enough to bring her flowers, NOT STUPID CHOCOLATES, for Valentine’s Day. Plus, she’ll

04

love the fact that she can make her roommates jealous by putting them on display in the apartment for weeks and weeks—even after they wilt and die.

Tex Mex: You know what else is metaphorical? The way those flowers are going to shrivel up and die just like your obviously crippled relationship if you’re seriously resorting to something as useless as flowers for your gal pal. What’s the point of getting your valentine something that she’s going to look at once and then toss on her nightstand until their date with the trash bin? With chocolates, you get sweetness and utility. Your girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking after class? BOOM, she can open that Fannie May box and pop in a truffle or six. That’s at least a week’s worth of satisfying the tip of the food pyramid. You can’t

eat flowers, though. You know what eats flowers? Goats. Do you really get your sick kicks out of indirectly calling your valentine a goat?

Kitty Kat: But let’s look ahead, shall we? What if your girl does come home every day and scarf down a truffle or two? If you keep up this lame gift for every holiday during the year, pretty soon you’ll be dating a cow. A grade-A heifer. And don’t pretend you’re one of those “different” guys who can see past a girl’s frumpy exterior and into her artery-clogged heart. When she gets fat, you’ll be outta there. Flowers, on the other hand, don’t pose any risk of heart attack or obesity. And if your girl ends up eating the flowers, then I guess you do have a goat on your hands.

But then that’s on you. Who woulda thought you’d be into that bestiality stuff?

Tex Mex: Speak ing of bestiality, we need to take sex into account too, however.

According to Daniel H. of Yahoo! Answers, women love chocolate so insatiably because “its linked to there sexual part of the brain wich means takin them to poundtown lol.” You heard it here first, fellas. This is Poundtown we’re talking— population: you and the lucky little lady you showered with raspberry dark chocolate m o r s e l s f ro m G o d i v a .

Remember, Mint Meltaways aren’t just meant for the tongue (ow-ow), so feel free to redefine the term “hot chocolate” while you’re going at it. The closest way to make flowers even remotely sexy is by tossing petals on the bed … which is lame as shit.

Kitty Kat: There are a lot of dangers lurking inside a delicious, seemingly innocent

chocolate-covered cherry.

What if she’s allergic to chocolate? Milk? Red dye?

Gluten? The possibilities are endless. One little bite could be her last. When it comes to flowers, the worst thing to worry about is allergies, and with the way the weather has been lately, a little runny nose ain’t nothin’ new. And I’m pretty sure shoving chocolate morsels up a vagina—or whatever weird shit you were hinting at—isn’t gynecologistapproved. What if you poisoned her vagina, man?

What if it gets all moldy and falls off? Keep that in mind.

Chocolate = no more vagina.

I think that settles it.

Tex Mex: Please, one measly, little yeast infection isn’t going to single-handedly cause vaginal eradication. It takes at least three of those and one hell of a herpal outbreak to do that. But if you think chocolate in the bedroom isn’t safe, bear in mind that there was once a dude who thought it would be “cute” to surprise his wife by stemming a tulip from his penis. When he tried to remove it, the bottom of the stem got lodged inside of him, literally ripping his urethra to

shreds. Contrary to popular belief, girls actually don’t think self-vasectomization is hot.

Ultimately, just put it this way: If your date hates flowers, then what the fuck are you going to do with them? If your date hates chocolates, then who’s going to eat them? You and the rest of the dudes during the Golden Girls marathon, that’s who.

Although Tex Mex had the most compelling argument, don’t you think you should know your girlfriend by now?

Don’t you know the type of shit she likes? C’mon man.

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UK Valentines for that

SPECIAL SOMEONE BY: TAYLOR CARDEN

With Valentine’s Day coming up and spring kinda-sorta right around the corner, you’re going to need a person to have sexual relations with, or else your room mates might start looking to your browser history for answers. Never fear, The Black Sheep has drafted up some dynamite pickup lines, because if there’s one place to seek dating advice, it’s in a paper that publishes pooping advice on the very next page.

“I’m stuck on you like UKNOW emails, Valentine!” Because, let’s be real, if there was an affection as persistent as those annoying UKNOW messages, it could either be eternal love, or the grounds for a restraining order.

“My love is as unrelenting as Capilouto’s inability to grant snow days.” What’s that? The apocalypse is tomorrow? Looks like we still need to go to class. Remind your main squeeze that even in the face of certain death/frostbite, your love never wavers.

“Valentine, have you ever done the walk of shame down Rose Street? Do you want to?” Nothing says “love is in the air” like a half-dressed sorority girl marching down the Rose Street at 9a.m.

“Even knee-deep snow and ice can’t frost over my affection for you.” It doesn’t matter that we’ve been plummeted into eternal winter, as long as you have each other, you can stay warm by snuggling together. Or boning under fleece blankets.

“I’m a member of the BKE fraternity. That stands for Best Kisser Ever.” This is for a guy who doesn’t score often, isn’t actually in a fraternity, and will end up being BFFs with every girl he meets.

“Be my valentine, I have meal swipes.” This is a potent one.

You’re pretty much guaranteed to succeed, so use it carefully.

Otherwise you’ll end up with a stage-five clinger stalking you at Commons with hunger and lust in their eyes. Well, mostly hunger.

“Was that walk to class chilly, Valentine? Meet me behind Whitehall and I’ll warm you up.” Short, sweet, and to the point. In fact, it’s more of a proposition than a pickup line, but if all else fails you’ll be able to bum a cigarette off someone when you’re back there.

“My jersey may be blue, but my cheeks turn red around you.” Awwww, this one’s so cute it make your stomach hurt.

Use it on die-hard UK fans, preferably students. Use it on that 40-year-old Lexington native who hangs around campus too much, and you might have some issues.

“You’re the reason I passed organic chemistry. Want to explore each other’s anatomy?” There’s something sexy about lab goggles and the smell of unknown chemicals. Use that sultry environment to your advantage, and set the tone with this gem of a two-liner. After, you might want to suggest checking out the size of their test tube. Seriously, checking for diseases with potential partners is important.

“You’re hotter than an Ovid’s Spicy Beef Wrap, Valentine.”

For the foodie in all of us, you’re sure to hook your target with this one. Don’t compare them to a beef wrap in any other context, though. No one likes to actually be compared to a lumpy, meat-filled sack of freshman fifteen.

“If UK wins the next ball game, I’ll be your Valentine. If they lose, you’ll be my Valentine. Deal?” The ol’ Kentucky Catch-22.

If your potential partner seriously falls for this, they might go to Louisville. Or just want to have sex with literally anyone. So it’s a win-win, like all catch-22s!

“Regardless of severe winter weather: My heart is open and operating on a regular schedule.” Feel free to send this one in a passive-aggressive email, especially if there is a blizzard raging outside accompanied by 8 inches of solid ice.

Whatever your target, you’re sure to snag that desired V-Day lover if you send a valentine with any of these lines on it.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER WOKEN UP TO? M o rg a n

“There’s a man on the floor!”

Emily

“My great dane jumped on me.

He weighs like 200 lbs.”

Jenn

“The dump truck that comes every Monday and Thursday at 5 a.m.”

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THE

TOP

TEN

THINGS FOR SINGLE PEOPLE TO DO ON VALENTINE’S DAY BY: LUCAS TROUXELL

Valentine’s Day is almost here, and many of you are single and dreading it. No worries, here at The Black Sheep we’ve compiled a list of the top 10 things for single people to do on Valentine’s Day in Lexington.

10.) Drink at Two Keys: If you can’t find a significant other, remember Two Keys Lager will always be there for you. Or if you just want to celebrate being in the prime of your life without being tied down, the same applies.

There’s always a reason to drink when you’re alone! … (cries.)

9.) Count Your Money: Being single means more money. This is an equation you don’t need your Korean Calc 123 TA to know. Spend this Valentine’s Day counting the money you still have from spending the whole year single, then pile it up and dive in, Scrooge McDuck-style.

8.) Photo Bomb: Couples will be trying to snap cute Valentine’s Day moments while making out outside of Whitehall. Since you don’t have anyone to take cute pictures with you might as well ruin everyone else’s Valentine’s Day by pretending it’s Christmas, and you’re pumped.

UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY’S

VERY OWN KUPID BY: REBECCA ANDERSON

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, most of you Wildcats are sporting hearts for eyes and staying an extra-long time at those fraternity parties, just in case you meet a nice, respectable young man while twerking in a Waller Avenue basement. However, there are some of you relying on the old fashioned “meet cute,” hoping to be introduced to your future lover in some whimsical, random, romantic way — perhaps bumping into one another when the automatic handicap doors to Ovid’s malfunction. Regardless, the populations would agree that the University of Kentucky campus could use a little visit form the one and only Cupid himself -- hell, we could use our own, in-house Kupid. Here’s a little look into what life would be like for that horny little cherub if he were one of us Wildcats…

“How could Kupid not be in a frat?”

First and foremost, Kupid would resemble the epitome of that tall, dark, and handsome frat star from your Stats 210 class, not the flying, drunk baby we’re accustomed to. No, our Kupid would be that guy who on any given weekday dresses better than you do and has the best teeth you’ve ever seen. How could Kupid not be in a frat? The young Greek men of UK radiate romantic maturity, and… well, and the smell of the beer shower from last night.

Being a philosophy major, Kupid would not only have the natural ability to induce feelings of love and romance between individuals, but he would be able to speak the part as well. He’d give guidelines to his fellow male Wildcats on

how to talk to girls on an in-depth level, then later hear firsthand accounts of how his advice brought couples together amidst numerous parties, tailgates, and drunken philanthropy events.

Midafternoons, though, would prove be his favorite time of day, as he’d be able to spend a few hours on the fifth floor rotunda of the William T. Young library. This would be Kupid’s home away from home. In a seat by himself, he would listen to countless John Mayer and One Direction songs, preparing himself for the night’s shacker party, and all of the young men and women who’d find true love after their fifth Montezuma shot and third cup of hooch.

Each morning after a long night out, between chugging week old orange Gatorades and popping Advil like they’re candy hearts, Kupid would reach for his iPhone and update the UK Makeouts Twitter account, basking in the technological glow of his latest matchmaking work. Lying there in bed, he wouldn’t be able to help letting out a self-approving sigh, before falling back to sleep knowing there’s always more work to be done on this campus.

You never know where love will find you; whether it be on the fifth floor of Willy T, the third floor of the Sigma Chi fraternity house, or in the back seat of an SUV parked in K lot because your dorm doesn’t offer twenty four hour visitation. If you’re feeling a little lonely in the middle of the Valentine’s aisle in Kroger, just meander on through the UK Makeouts Twitter account. If Stone Cold Willow can get it in the back of a Two Keys booth, there’s surely hope the UK’s Kupid is out there, and may do the same for you tonight.

7.) Camp Out at Willy T: We all go to Willy T for two reasons: to ride out that Adderall, and to find the love of our lives. If this is you, then pitch a tent (literally and boner-ally) on Willy T’s 5th floor. Rumor has it this is where Eli met Mrs. Capilouto.

6.) Recreate the Harry Potter Love Potion: If you’re failing Psychology 204 because your TA is too dreamy, then Valentine’s Day in chem-phys creating a love potion. One drop in your TA’s morning OJ and they’ll be as good as yours for next Valentine’s Day. In love with you, that is, not tied up in the basement like Ron totally would’ve done if no one was around.

5.) Stalk Jarrod Polson: All females on campus adore him, and all dudes think he’s a better wingman than a puppy. It’s a win-win for both genders. Expect the line behind Polson to be longer than Starbucks on #WhiteGirlWednesday this Valentine’s Day. He may very well be our campus’ Kupid.

4.) Host a Shacker Party: There is no better way of showing young love than giving your one-night stand clothes 3 sizes too big to wear home the next day. Host your own shacker party this Valentine’s Day, where girls who are “shacked up” wear oversized clothes, and you’ll be able to identify and creepily hit on those eligible to “get that outfit tomorrow morning.”

3.) Broaden your conversation topics: If you’re spending this day alone because you can’t talk to the opposite sex, then spend the day watching SportsCenter or Pretty Little Liars. Dudes want a “football girl” like Coach Cal wants athletes, and one mention to a female about PLL will have them flowing towards you like the Rio Grande.

2.) Hook Scratch Up: Rumor has it Scratch hasn’t got any PussyCat since last weekend. This Valentine’s Day, you could take Scratch out to the Collegiate party with you, or give him directions to the sluttiest furry convention the internet has to offer.

1.) Ruin Your Ex’s day: This day might haunt you when you see your ex all over UK makeouts. So, strike first and use Valentine’s Day as your excuse to ruin their life. Send every UK sexual Twitter handle you know that picture of him or her in nothing but a pink thong. Who needs a romantic partner when you’ve got revenge warming your heart?

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Same as It Ever Was...

Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all.

These Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.

Dependent Dave

Self-Lovin’ Stephen

How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.

How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0!

Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous.

Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”

Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing?

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then

Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.”

What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit

Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all.

Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eightsome all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.

with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80?

Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their twoyear-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of genderspecific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.

Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat.

One day he found her diary in the desk, one day

Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If

he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address.

Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.

the teacher ever sided with Ben, his attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!”

Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad she-woman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.

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Campus Party Has Great Liquor, Surprising All BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS

Partygoers at the University of Kentucky were surprised to find that the party they were attending late last Friday night had really nice liquor. “This wasn’t a campus party where they were giving out some Heaven Hill and Kentucky Gentleman,” said fifth-year psychology senior Derek Levine, referring to the local cheap and disgusting liquor that never makes it 100 miles away from where it is made. He added, “They had name-brand liquor that actually has TV advertisements. I think I saw a Smirnoff bottle in the trash can, and you better believe I got my fair share of that Jim Beam handle.

We still didn’t savor the flavor, but you know, it was nice.”

When asked how he was able to afford such a delicacy the host replied, “Billy’s parents are paying for college, so he squanders his money on this shit.”

Billy Sanders, a senior in recreation, is excruciatingly frugal in all other aspects of his life. “He’s been known to steal ketchup packets from fast food places, and once he used the local newspaper as toilet paper for an entire semester.

He only splurges when it comes to his liquor,” his girlfriend Maggie Ableson said.

“If there’s one thing Billy loves more than anything else it’s money” Joe Franklin, another of Billy’s roommates, added. He continued, “This kid took his girlfriend out to a pasta restaurant because he was able to find free coupons for dinner there.

Now I’m not an expert, but if I weighed over two hundred pounds and looked like he did, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have said to myself, ‘if any living female is able to tolerate eating at close quarters with me they can get whatever they want.’ But not Billy. This kid is super cheap.”

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Billy later told The Black Sheep why he had such a sweet spot for expensive liquor, “Liquor is my one vice, the Adderall I buy off friends is to help me focus on my geography homework—we’re learning the continents right now, and Antarctica is a real bitch. The weed I smoke is medicinal, it helps me come down off the Adderall, you know?

So I sometimes treat myself to these things. Have you ever had a Bud Light, bro? It’s way better than Keystone Light. Actually, hey, you want one right now?”

Still, something seemed amiss. Billy not only bought nice liquor, he shared it like it was no big deal, even giving some to strangers. .

Upon further investigation, we finally found an old childhood friend to go on record. Wishing to remain anonymous he left us a prerecorded voice message on an encrypted flash drive: “Yeah, Billy realizes those who live with him don’t really enjoy hanging out with him. Actually, they like living with him about as much as third world countries enjoy poverty. He shares his liquor to help smooth over their differences. It never works, but at least people give him the fifteen minutes.”

Our extensive interviews with others showed that this often is that case with Billy’s “friends.”

Though having a lack of altruistic motives, we can tell that Billy changed the game forever. “I feel pretty bad putting out Costco brand liquor when my friends are over. I mean, these are the people I like, not some animals.” A roommate of Billy’s said adding, “If Billy can manage to give people the liquor of their dreams, well, then I gotta get a handle of Captain or something.”

BARTENDER of the WEEK Five words to describe the current state of your checking account: Poor, broke, insignificant, awesome, and empty.

Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Mind erasers Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Moscow Mule Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had?: Meathead is the best bar patron I’ve ever had, because when he gets drunk he gets really funny. He falls down a lot. He’s a good time to watch.

What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: I don’t really dance.

Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: Outside.

If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: Curling.

What euphemism for sex is your favorite?: Dealing.

What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: That Tupac’s not dead.

Say, do you know where I can score some Percocet?: No. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s awesome!

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s s e u G the

the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots.

5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.”

6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist.

7) Most famous Icelandic performer.

8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand.

9) This massive basketball player often goes by just this first name.

11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point.

13) High-end Italian fashion company.

15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus.

16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.”

19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.

DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.”

2) Lead singer of The Smiths.

4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

5) Her instagram name is badgalriri.

famous one-word people 10) Blue Ivy’s mother.

11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia.

12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time.

14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White.

17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone.

18) The breakout star of D12.

the madlib

scrolling through twitter

Whoops, here we go again. I was sitting on the bus, on my way to ___1___’s apartment, trying to drink some ___2___ and maybe play some ___3___, you know, really chill out for a bit. But then I got on Twitter and I became stressed.

So then I tweeted, “Heading to ___15___’s to zen out.

Namaste.”

Almost instantly ___16___ favorited my tweet and I instantly felt self-conscious. Namaste? What the fuck!

I’ve only done yoga once and it was during spring ___4___ tweeted a picture of herself licking a bottle of break ___17___ and I ended up leaving half way ___5___ with her legs wrapped around ___6___ with through because I was___18___-hungover and pukthe caption, “YOLO, gettin’ mad ___7___and getting ing. turnt up in ___8___!” I was like, okay that ___9___ but low-key I was jealous. Should I be doing the same?

By the time I got off the bus, all I wanted to do was rip shots of ___19___. And wouldn’t you know it, Then I saw The Onion tweeted a headline, “19-year-old I walked into my friend’s living room and saw her Says Her Future as a ___10___ Will Go Well, ___11___ drinking from a fifth.

Laughs.” But that’s what I’m studying!!! What, should I change my major to ___12___ and never drink and “I was just sitting on Facebook and started feeling restay in ___13___ all day and night and just chain ally bad about myself,” she said, looking at me with already glossed-over eyes. “And I have ___20___ in smoke ___14___??? UGH. the oven.” I walked over to her, took a swig, gave her a hug, and realized everything was alright.

1) Friend 2) Type of beer 3) Old-school game 4) Young female celebrity 5) Liquor 6) Gangster rapper 7) Slang for intoxicated 8) Major city 9) Derogatory term for women 10) Career 11) World leader 12) Hard major 13) Main library name 14) Cigarette brand 15) Friend from #1 16) Annoying acquaintance 17) Year you graduated from high school 18) Fruity drink 19) Popular liquor 20) Dessert