The Black Sheep
FR GET EE...L WA IKE T LKI NG HE WO TO T RK HE OUT 3RD YO FLO U OR.
Vol. 3, Issue 3
1/30/14 - 2/5/14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
EXCLUSIVE TELL ALL:
“MY STEAMY NIGHT WITH SCRATCH” BY: TAYLOR CARDEN One in three Americans indulges in sexual fantasies involving furry mascot suits. One of these Americans is Brittany Shan, the lucky Wildcat fan who got the chance to act out her desires on a chilly night here in Lexington… with Scratch. “He was leaving Rupp Arena the night of the UK-Ole Miss game,” says Shan, “When I caught him purring and swiping his claws at me in the parking lot. Something about that big, furry face drew me in. I wanted him right there, right then.” Shan said Scratch came on to her, and the two went out for a drink at the world famous Two Keys Tavern. “He didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to. Something about the way he moves, those giant paws . . . It wasn’t long until I had him pinned up against the bathroom stall in Two Keys with my mouth wrapped around his velvety nose.” According to Shan, it was “the hottest, furriest night” of her life, and that she’d been dreaming about the day she would be able to get her hands on the fuzzy, oversized cat. In fact, Shan wanted The Black Sheep to clarify that she had no interest in hooking up with the man inside the Scratch suit, and even seemed confused at the though: “What suit?” she asked, “What do you mean there’s a guy inside of Scratch? The only time ‘Scratch’ and ‘inside’ should be in
the same sentence is when you’re talking about Scratch being inside me.” According the Shan, the two hit a couple downtown bars together, where they were seen by several students and other UK fans. David Lee Brown, a recent UK alum, was sipping a lager at Molly Brooke’s when he saw the pair stumble in. “They were all over each other,” he reported, “it was a tangle of paws and blue. There was this tiny brunette and this giant wildcat mascot, and… and I’d never seen so much groping in my life.” According to Brown, the pair did not stay in the bar very long before disappearing. “I was glad to see them go… I’m not sure if it was like, a gag or something. Scratch is above that, right? Yeah. He’s a good cat,” Brown said, with tears of shame forming in his eyes. Shan explained how she invited Scratch back to her apartment at the Lex, and that the two enjoyed “a long, soggy shower” followed by “a night of totally doing it… wildcat style.” During the interview, Shan kept rubbing her knees and elbows in an obvious fashion. Upon questioning, she said that she had severe Scratch-burn, “which is like carpet burn, but, ya know, from Scratch’s fuzzy texture. A lot of friction took place.” She then went on to wink, and say that Scratch gave her boo boo’s kisses before he left that following morning.
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We contacted Scratch for his take on this steamy night of passion with Brittany Shan, but he immediately hissed and hung up the phone. According to Shan, Scratch hasn’t called or texted her since that night, despite her
assertive attempts to reach him. “He, like, won’t return my texts. And I Snapchat him all the time, and he opens them, but doesn’t reply. And I’ve sent him some sexy pictures, like me with my Wildcat stuffed animals down my pants.”
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CAPILUTO TO OUTSOURCE THE REMAINING PARKING IN K-LOT
AS IF FINDING PARKING WASN’T DIFFICULT ENOUGH…
TOLLY-HO AFTER DARK WHO NEEDS K-LAIR WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A HO BURGER?
KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
When asked if her night was a one-night stand, Shan confidently answered “Absolutely not, there is something there. Scratch and I had the hottest hookup of my life, and I know he secretly wants more. I can just picture us having fuzzy mascot kitten babies together.”
PAGES 10-11
JUSTIN BIEBEALITIES
AFTER BIEBER’S DUI LAST WEEK, WE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PRISON GANG HE’D BEST FIT INTO IT.