KENTUCKY SPRING ISSUE 14

Volume 6

The Black Sheep

FRE of g E! Lik oin e th g co e fe mm elin and g o...

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 14

HOW TO BRING FRAT PARTIES TO YOUR HOMETOWN Erin Slekey wrote this

With summer quickly consuming all of your thoughts, we know you’re starting to get a little worried about some things. How will you keep in touch with your sorority sisters?

Will Ben actually make the six-hour drive to Chicago to hook up with you every weekend? And, most importantly, who’s going to throw the frat parties?! Never fear, sorostitutes, The Black Sheep has got you covered.

Step 1: Host a cooler painting party You’ll obviously need somewhere to store all of the frat beverages you’ll be serving at your makeshift party, so why not go the extra mile and have as many formal coolers as possible? As if your friends didn’t hate their lives enough during formal cooler season, you’re going to force them to make a few for the ragers you plan on hosting this summer. Make sure there’s a minimum requirement of three words on the cooler with the beginning of the word is replaced with “frat.”

Examples include: “fratalina” or “frat laudy.”

Step 2: Invite all of your hot, wannabe-frat-guy friends So maybe they took two classes at community college this summer and spent the rest of the time working on the farm, convincing themselves they could “live off the land.” Regardless, they’re hot as shit and you’re going to make them the stars of your frat parties. You’ll call it “barnyard chic” and it will be epic. Show them what they’ve been missing at that big, fancy school your parents are paying for you to attend.

Step 3: Enlist “pledges” (incoming high school seniors) as drivers The incoming high school seniors are starting to think they’re hot shit, but of course they need to be knocked down a few pegs. They still think of you as royalty (because you are), so of course they’ll want to be pledges in your new frat. Promise to pay them in booze and they’ll do whatever you want.

This won’t be as expensive as you think; high school kids get drunk off, like, one Natty Light. Everyone stays safe and you will have successfully corrupted the entire senior class.

Step 4: Steal booze from your parents Your parents like to keep a bar full of booze in their basement for all of their classy soirees, so you’re going to dip into that for your parties. Your parents are drunk by noon on the weekend. When you steal the vodka to make some tasty hooch, they’ll just think they accidentally drank it all for breakfast. Cheap and sneaky.

Step 5: Find a basement Of course you can’t host these kinds of events at your own house! Convince one of your wealthy friends with a huge-ass basement to let you throw your frat parties at their house.

Your rich friend’s been taking a year off to “find himself,” so he'll be intrigued to learn what college is really like.

PAGE 4

PAGE 5

THURSDAY NIGHT LIVE: A RUNDOWN

TOP 10: PLACES TO STAY FOR FREE THIS SUMMER

FROM THE FOOD TRUCKS TO THE BEER (AND MORE BEER), HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, CHECK OUT THE 3RD FLOOR OF FUNKHOUSER

FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP

APRIL 22ND, 2015 - APRIL 29TH, 2015

Step 6: Recreate Project X Hell, you’re going to call it Project Z because that’s how big it’s going to be. Fill your friend’s pool up with Jell-O, have a couple of flamethrowers for fun, and shoot off fireworks every 30 minutes to make sure the entire neighborhood knows where the party’s at.

You’re home for the summer and you sure as hell want people to know it. You’ve blossomed from the shy girl/guy who never had a date to prom into the ATO groupie and ADPi house boy. It’s your job to show the losers from your hometown how it’s done. It’s on, bitches.

PAGES 12-13 THE BLACK SHEEP FINAL EXAM HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT US? ENOUGH? WE HOPE SO...

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

ADVERTISING MANAGER Elizabeth Breed

WRITERS Erin Slekey David Simms Erica Ryder Evan Lawrence

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

OWNER Atish Doshi

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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THE BOTANY BAY SMOKING ACCESSORIES • FUNCTIONAL GLASS ART VAPORIZERS • HOOKAHS • BODY JEWELRY • DETOX TAPESTRIES • SAFE CANS • AND MORE! 420 EAST NEW CIRCLE RD. 218 S. PORTER DR. #13 LEXINGTON KY RICHMOND, KY (859) 225-4367 (859) 623-4367

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

CONQUISTADORM A man or woman who demands entry into the dorm he or she lived in freshman year, but in which he or she no longer resides.

VICK THE SLICK

“Sherri, a true Conquistadorm, demanded to be let in to room 305 even though she hadn’t resided in there for 3 years and the freshman living there now was obviously just hooking up with a guy.”

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz?

Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@UKBLACKSHEEP

5 EASY REASONS THURSDAY NIGHT LIVE ISN’T JUST FOR OLD PEOPLE Evan Lawrence wrote this

One of the most underappreciated Lexington perks, Thursday Night Live, kicked off its 2015 season earlier this month. Despite its reputation for drawing only an "older crowd" not aimed at college-aged entertainment, The Black Sheep are here to show you that sometimes, it’s fun to party with grandpa.

There’s Beer: The days of being stoked about drinking a brew in public should have come and gone within the first month of your freshman year. A sane person can only put up with room-temperature Natty Lights for so long, after all. When it comes to drinking, Thursday Night Live allows you to feel the experience of your first-ever college party all over again. You'll be the youngest one there and even if you're a fifth-year senior, you'll be pleasantly surprised at all middle-aged couples doubting your supposedly fake ID. Your first ice-cold Kentucky Ale in a plastic cup will give you a tasty thrill unrivaled by any sketchy, unsanctioned house party.

Grown Ups are Dancing: Just because it’s no longer socially acceptable for old people to dance like a fool in a dark basement doesn't mean they don’t. These thirty-somethings (and older) have mastered how to charm their peers and look cute while doing it. It may not be as "frat" as two freshmen grinding against

a concrete wall, but it’s still fun to watch. Take notes because, believe it or not, that'll be you someday, and you don’t want to look like a moron.

It’s a Diverse Crowd: Speaking of house parties, don't you ever get a little worn out from the same twenty guys and girls in your grade at house parties and pre-games?

Thursday Night Live brings out the best and brightest that Central Kentucky has to offer.

Whether it's the mysterious homeless man inappropriately trying to start a conversation with you or a middle-aged couple who’ve “had a few too many," the people watching scene is second-to-none.

Food Trucks, Food Trucks, Food Trucks: Whether you're a freshman who's been burntout on Commons food or an upperclassman who keeps buying the same frozen foods over and over, you know a hot-and-fresh food truck would delight your taste buds. Despite its steep price and ridiculous portions, have you ever known anyone to turn down a Lexington Kettle Korn stand? Research shows that 70% of the time a bro buys his date anything from a food truck, they get crazy laid.

You’ll Feel Like City Folk: Most UK students would agree that Lexington walks a fine line

between being a small city and big town.

Aside from having a basketball program that ESPN can't stop drooling about, sometimes it feels like we’re really just one giant village.

Coming here will make you feel like you’re in the fast paced, bright lights, big city… among other clichés about city life.

When you go to Thursday Night Live, you can't help but feel like you're in the most happening place in the Lower Midwest. The music is "live" in more ways than one, you're on Main Street directly across from the tallest building the Bluegrass has to offer outside of Louisville, and you're surrounded by diversity. Be the small fish in a big pond for a change.

MAKE IT WORK!

THE TOP TEN

PLACES ON CAMPUS TO STAY FO’ FREE Home is where the heart is, and for many of us Cats fans, our hearts are at this campus. For this reason, plenty of us are still going to want to stay in sweet, beautiful Lexington for the summer, even if we don’t have a place to stay. Instead of crashing on your friend’s couch and burdening them with your decreasingly welcome presence, hang out at one of these free places to call home in Lexington.

A GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE AS A COLLEGE DROPOUT David Simms wrote this

You survived the end of last year, but this time you just won’t make it through. Maybe you finally realized you’ve reached the point of no return, and your late night, drunken rages and Netflix-binges are forcing you to drop out. If that’s the case, we’ve gathered a list of things for you to do until you’re back on your feet. Maybe one day you’ll get your shit together.

Become a Stripper: Hey, at least the pay is good, right? We’ve heard from some very reliable sources that this is the perfect fallback option for someone with half a college education. You’ll utilize the top-notch communication skills you learned while seducing your clients, and you’ll also be putting your basic MA 111 skills to test when counting your money. A sense of rhythm is preferred, which will finally make the stuff MUS 100 taught you useful too. Despite the stereotypes that surround this profession, it is an extremely successful career path for those who decide to pursue it.

Start a Home Gym: Everyone’s looking for that place to finally start working out to build their “summer body,” so here’s your chance! Be prepared for a lot of overweight, single girls with their moms to be your first members, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Be sure to charge $12 an hour and an additional $5 for every pound lost… but don’t tell them until after they're finished.

Start a Social Media App or Tech Company: Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs set the bar extremely high, but at least you have a goal. We suggest starting a dating app for college dropouts to connect with others who have failed just as miserably as you. The matching factors should include: number of years completed, number of nights forgotten, number of classes skipped, and amount of student debt taken on. That’s sure to take off and kick Facebook right off the internet (as if it hasn’t been already).

Become a Superhero: The streets of Lexington are filled with crime and its people need a hero.

Steal the Wildcat mascot costume from the athletic department and become The Masked Cat! The athletic ability you gained at the Johnson Center and from watching our basketball team will serve you well when fighting against the evil that resides in Louisville. Become a hero and everyone will love you… and no one will know that you’re actually just that kid who dropped out.

Start a Talk Show: No skills and definitely no degree are required for this job, just ask Ellen. Using the clothes you wore all throughout your time in that frat/srat, you’ll be able to sit up there, looking good, and talk about whatever you want for an hour. Tweet every single day and once you get a social following, you’ll really hit it big. Be sure to shout out Kentucky for kicking you out of school and ultimately giving you your start in Hollywood.

Whether you’ve been here for three years or one semester, it just didn’t work out. But that’s okay; your life will go on. You might start off making minimum wage when start, but keep your eyes on the prize and you might end up better than all of us smart kids paying off student loan debt, while you sit on your pile of cash with the hot piece of ass you met on the app you created.

10.) Tolly Ho: It's open 24 hours and everyone in the place is bound to be too drunk to notice that you never leave. If anyone starts to notice, just order some tots and hide in the spare dining room.

9.) Any Random House on State Street: When you sign a lease for a house on State Street, you pretty much sign up for a life of weird shit happening to you. Seriously, those kids are reckless. And if you’re in the game of camping out on campus all summer long, odds are you’re pretty reckless yourself. So why not barge into their home and set up shop?

8.) 3rd floor of Funkhouser: No one will think to look for intruders in Lucifer’s armpit. The place is as good as yours. Just be ready to live a sad, uncomfortable life in… well… the devil’s sweat pit. Because this is the Hell’s version of Hell.

7.) The Squirrel’s Nest: Specifically in that big squirrel-filled tree between Memorial and Gatton. Befriend any of these squirrels and secure yourself a spot in the den for the summer.

Simply stuff your mouth with nuts (which should be second nature to many of you) and you're in!

6.) Architecture Studio: Architecture students pretty much live in their studios year-round.

Either switch your major to architecture or just act the part. Slap on a pair of hipster glasses and pretentiously compare your workload to med school students.

5.) Willy T.: A risky choice, but think of the pranks you could pull on security guards late at night. Think about spending the whole summer playing the ghost of Willy T. Maybe Scooby and the gang will even come and try to stop your shenanigans; it’s a win-win.

4.) Just Sort of Pass out in the Gutter: You know what they say, when homeless, do as the homeless do. Maybe you, too, will have some nice guy drag your ass off the streets and feed you Qdoba.

3.) That Preachy Spot by the Student Center: Claim this spot by printing out a few evangelist pamphlets, some sort of homophobic sign, and tell all passersby about the Hell that awaits them. It’ll be a goddamn blast.

2.) Capilouto’s House: Stop on by the president’s residence with your sleeping bag in hand, and tell the maid you’ve come for “The Presidential Slumber Party.” You’ll be good for a night or two until he finds you, that place is too big for him to find you right away.

1.) The Bed of a Lonely Frat Boy: Frat stars are faced with a lack of slut-themed parties to host and the absence of damp basements wherein to rub their sweaty balls upon unsuspecting victims. Their desperation levels are at an all-time high. Now is the time to capitalize on that!

Erica Ryder wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS IF VEGETABLES HAD PERSONALITIES, WHICH WOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, AND WHY? LINDSEY, SOPHMORE

“Turnup, because they don’t turn down.”

LORETTA, JUNIOR “Cucumber, because. ;)”

JOHN, JUNIOR

“Corn, because it shows up during dark times.”

06

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Staff wrote this

There’s nothing that makes a woman get wet faster than a man who’s good with children.

That’s why the University of Kentucky is now offering a service called “Rent-a-Baby.”

Students who are looking for a quick hookup can stop by the Early Childhood Labs and borrow a baby for just $30 an hour, or $100 for an entire day. The service began earlier this month and has already proven to be a success with students across campus.

hook-ups and one-night stands.

“Rent-a-Baby is the best hook-up service I’ve ever used, without a doubt,” said one guy, holding someone else’s baby. “You could go for weeks without finding a single match on Tinder, but you go on to campus with a baby and suddenly bitches are all over your dick.

Apparently bitches love babies.”

“I don’t get it, I thought Rent-a-Baby was supposed to work,” one girl said, holding a 6-month-old infant. “Usually guys flirt with me all the time, but now that I’m carrying around a baby, they seem to want nothing to do with me. It’s the weirdest thing. I don’t know how to explain it.”

The idea behind Rent-a-Baby is that students can appear much sexier by purchasing the rights to a baby and pretending they’re taking care of it. Students are welcome to come up with whatever backstory for the baby they wish: It’s up to them whether they’re the baby’s single parent or just its babysitter. Of course, lying about whose baby you have is an unsustainable strategy to find a long-term mate, so students are recommended to use babies only to find

Some people worry that UK's innovative Rent-a-Baby program is against the law, as it may or may not technically count as human trafficking. In order to keep up with growing demands, Rent-a-Baby has started offering the rental of many babies without the knowing consent of the babies’ actual parents. This revelation has become a source of great controversy. Many students are boycotting the service, deeming the practice of lending babies illegal and immoral. Yet the

It's worth noting that while Rent-a-Baby has helped many male students get laid, it has shown to have the opposite effect for female students. Women who’ve used the Rent-aBaby service have complained that walking around with a baby makes it more difficult to find people who’ll have sex with them, and that the service was a waste of money.

babies don’t appear to mind.

“Goo goo goo goo,” commented one baby on the recent developments, staring at a rotating ceiling fan. “Goo goo ga ga. Ga ga ga.” The baby then laughed at the sight of a nearby dog barking at a squirrel.

It’s too early to tell yet what the ethical implications of Rent-a-Baby are, nor do we know whether the people responsible for the service are going to prison, but if there is one thing that’s clear, it’s that babies are

perfect wingmen. A baby will not only get the attention of a woman, but it also won’t try to fuck her. And in spite of the controversy that surrounds it, Rent-a-Baby has already announced plans to create another service tentatively titled Rent-an-Old-Person, which will run on a similar business model by allowing students to cater to the needs of an elderly man or woman in hopes of sparking interest from possible mates in the near proximity.

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PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

RENT-A-BABY SERVICE OFFERED TO GET STUDENTS LAID

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

THE BAR GRID Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

Friday: HAPPY HOUR 5-9 $2 Wells!

Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Never Ending Happy Hour

NEVER ENDING HAPPY HOUR: $2 Wells from open until close! Live music or a DJ every Thursday! Doors open at 7, music starts at 9. FREE COVER Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter

Friday

HAPPY HOUR 7-10pm FREE TWO STEP LESSONS 7:30-8:30pm LIVE MUSIC 10-2:30am

Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

HAPPY HOUR 5-9, $2 Wells, $9 Barrel Bowls ALL NIGHT! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Saturday

BIGGEST PARTY IN THE BLUEGRASS. NO COVER BEFORE 8:30pm. LIVE Country Music from 8pm-2:30am.

Drink & shot specials all night

$4 Jack Honey DJ Reknown Kitchen Open Until 2AM

Doors open at noon, or 2 hours before ALL UK games, $12 Domestic buckets during the game, $9 Barrel Bowls all day long LIVE MUSIC starts at 9 with our DJ going on between sets and after 1am!

FREE Cover for the ladies

Sunday

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$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers

$5 Build your own Bloody Mary bar, and several Mimosa specials going on EVERY Saturday & Sunday! FREE WIFI and $7 Domestic pitchers ALL DAY

Monday

Check out www.austincitysaloon.com for upcoming shows!

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY: 10 for 10!

10 Drinks for $10 Karaoke Contest and Bar Games with Cash Prizes!

Thursday

Jam with the Band 7:30-10pm AMERICAN MADE MUSIC SERIES 11-Close Shot and drink specials hourly

Tuesday

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Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Open for ALL UK Games: $3 John Wall & gatorade shots, $12 Domestic buckets!

Otherwise closed, except for private events. For venue booking please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Wednesday

10 for 10! 10 Drinks for $10 Karaoke Contest and Bar Games with Cash Prizes!

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry.

DJ Rain

Come join us starting at 7 for $2 KT shots and $4 LIT's!!

Acoustic music starts at 9, FREE COVER

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Apply @ theblacksheeponline.com THE BAR GRID

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

SATURDAY $12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs, DJ Reknown , No Cover

THURSDAY NIGHT LIVE $5 Salza Blue Margaritas No Cover DJ KERRY GLASS

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

$10 Punchout - DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm!

Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

Thursday

WHISKEY FRISKY FRIDAY Korey Hunt Performing Live $4 Jack Daniel's No Cover

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday! $4 Shots No Cover

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

$8 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers No Cover Lauren Mink Band Live

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

$12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs, No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

$3 Mega Mimosas

Happy Hour ALL DAY!

$1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

MONSTER CAN MONDAY $2 PBR Cans $1 Fireball 10 - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday!

Well Drinks for just a buck!

No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

$2.50 All American Made from Scratch Long Island Iced Teas

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing!

We supply the fish, you race them in our custom track $2 Well Drinks and Pints - DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

$2.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers DJ Kerry Glass

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wednesday

SPECIAL NIGHT

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

WHISKEY FRISKY FRIDAY Korey Hunt Performing Live $4 Jack Daniel's No Cover

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

TRUE STORY!

The Pros and Cons of Having an Orgy Sexy Staff wrote this

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have multiple dicks filling every orifice in your body?

If so, you might want to consider having an orgy! Pump the brakes before you put that Craigslist ad up, though! First you need to consider the pros and cons of having a hot n’ sweaty sex pile. The Black Sheep has graciously laid out all the things you should take into consideration beforehand.

Pro: Orgies help you to explore your potential as a porn star.

If you’re not really doing so hot in school anymore, but are still passionate about penis, orgies are a great way to explore new life options. You can finally start to live for yourself and pursue that career in porn that you’ve been dreaming of ever since you were a little girl. we all know hitting it raw just feels so much better than wearing a condom, so don’t ruin the pleasure potential of this shenanigan by being a square and having “safe sex.”

Con: You only have two hands.

Unless, of course, you’re an Animorph who morphs into a spider when you’re in sex mode. An Pro: You’ll learn recent American history. orgy calls for at least 6 dicks and 3 vaginas to be in the equation, otherwise you can’t call it an Having an orgy is basically a time machine back to Woodstock. Everyone in the ‘60s was having orgy. With only two hands things can get overwhelming. This is where you’re going to have to orgies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you’ve always wanted to know how your washed-up see what dat mouf do and suck off someone else. Use that body, and be creative! parents did it, just arrange an orgy. Throw on some Hendrix, and you’ve basically managed to travel back in time.

Pro: An orgy allows you to explore your sexuality.

If you’ve been questioning what exactly you’re into sexually, an orgy will open up a portal to Con: Health code violations are everywhere. answertown. After you’ve had a dick in your butt and tasted a cooter casserole, you’ll be able to You bet your sweet ass you’ll be eating lots of ass in an orgy. It will eventually just transform into sort out what you really want in life and in you. If nothing is clear post-orgy, you might consider one giant human centipede, so not only do you have to consider contracting gonorrhea, but you fucking a goat or any object, animated or not. Necrophilia’s next on the list if you’re too insecure could get pink eye if any of the poop particles flying around land in your eye. We recommend and nervous to fornicate with a living thing. wearing safety glasses during your sexcapade.

Con: You don’t know where they’ve been.

A hearty serving of assplay with nine or ten people could do us all some good, but just like The chances of contracting an STD or two run high when you’re playing with multiple peenys anything in life, it has its downsides. It’s up to you to decide from here on out whether you want and ginys, especially when you’re going to be pulling these freaks off of Craigslist. The thing is, to cross a ménage à more-than-trois off your bucket list.

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

AYASHA AT STAGGER INN

Relationship Status: Single Major: Kinesiology Favorite Drink: Woodford and ginger ale Favorite Shot: ‘Chata ball Disgusting Drink: Liquid Cocaine What winter drink plays worst in the warm summer weather?: Rumple Minze, because it tastes like Christmas time.

What beer or liquor has the biggest discrepancy between how much it costs and how much it SHOULD cost?: Country Boy should cost more because it's awesome.

Would you rather lose three fingers or your foot?: Three

fingers, because I'd still have seven more.

What's been your greatest brush with a celebrity?: I ate at Tolly Ho with Scottie Pippen last summer.

Where's the strangest place you've found yourself not wearing underpants?: On a roller coaster.

Is a hot dog a sandwich? Why or why not?: Yeah, because it has bread with meat in the middle.

Who is the Mayor of Pleasuretown?: Ron Burgundy.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it tells you about awesome bartenders like me.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BIKINI BOOZIN’

BEEFY BURRITO

Since Mother Nature is finally giving us consistently good weather, you can find the majority of campus hanging out at a pool. You know, a cramped one filled with as much chlorine as there are used Band-Aids. We’re going to make laying out at the pool a bit more fun than usual.

With the semester coming to a close soon and the sun shining on the regular, there’s no better time to whip up a massive burrito. Who even has the time to wait in that line for one of those? Follow this recipe to make a meaty burrito quick enough to make and eat in front of your foolish friends waiting in the Chipotle line.

What You’ll Need: Your bathing suit, booze, and beach bod. The latter’s entirely optional, since there’s no way in hell you kept that going after spring break.

Number of Players: 2+, you and the girls you’re laying out with.

Level of Intoxication: You won’t realize that tan is actually a sunburn. Pink, orange… what’s the difference? SUMMER. How to Play: Take 1 drink…

-For every triangle bikini you see. No, don’t stop. May as well keep on going.

-Every time some dude cannonballs and splashes everybody.

-When said gentleman realizes no one outside of middle school gives a shit about cannonballs anymore.

Take 2 drinks…

-For every person’s beach body that isn’t quite beach ready…

-If you see a girl actually in the pool and not worrying about her tan.

-For anybody who’s passed out and veering on the whole second-degree burn, red lobster bandwagon.

Finish your drink…

-If there are no chairs available! Time to go home!

The Game Ends When: You pass out and wake up with the worst sunburn of your life. PCB won’t save you now, pally.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You’ll Need: Ground beef, tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and guacamole.

Fatty Factor: This burrito can certainly feed a whole family, but this one’s just for you, yourself, and Yaakov. So, you do the math.

Let’s Get Baked: -Put a skillet on the stovetop, turn the heat on medium, and throw your ground beef in it. Season the sunnuvagun with salt and pepper.

-Dice the tomatoes up and chop the lettuce, careful not to chop your fingers. Playing adult is hard, isn’t it now?

-Don’t forget about the meat on the stovetop! Stir it occasionally until it’s cooked all the way through.

-Once it’s cooked, it’s time to assemble your burrito. Start with your tortilla and just kind of toss all that shit in there.

-Add a couple spoonfuls of guac (be generous) and sour cream.

-Wrap your burrito like you’ve seen the employees do it… like a giant, hastily-prepared taco…

Now you’ve got one of the biggest and best burritos in campustown without having to stand in line or deal with all the basics. Be sure to stay by a bathroom because large quantities of Mexican food run through your intestines very quickly.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP EXAM

THE GONZ WROTE THIS

The Black Sheep Final Exam The final requirement for graduation that isn’t listed on any of your curriculums is The Black Sheep final exam. All the knowledge that you learned over the course of four years within a copy of The Black Sheep will be tested. Only the best and brightest can pass, and only those people go on to achieve moderately-paying jobs in the field of their degree.

Section 1: Verbal Reasoning

The following questions use sections from past The Black Sheep articles. Circle the logical word choice to fill in the blanks.

The cartoon part of the movie begins with SpongeBob all excited to become the manager of the new ___(1)___, but he doesn’t (SPOILERS) get the job. I think it’d be ___(2)___ to be in charge of the Krusty Krab. It’d also be awesome to be in charge of The Black Sheep. If I was in charge of The Black Sheep, I’d make sure every article of every issue would be about how ___(3)___ fat ginger kids are. Fat ginger kids are the worst. I’d also put a picture of ___(4)___ in each copy of The Black Sheep because I admire him as an actor. But I can’t do that because my bosses are fucking ___(5)___. (Don’t tell them I told you that.)

1. McDonald’s Washington Redskins BMO Harris Bank 2. Swell Arousing Zestful 3. Soulful Squishy Freckly 4. Keanu Reeves Nicolas Cage Muhammad, Peace be upon him 5. Awesome Majestic Beautiful

“When I woke up, I saw that the sun was up, and I began to ___(1)___,” said Phil in the year 5015, somehow still able to communicate with The Black Sheep through our ___(2)___ skills in journalism. “Once I saw that the rest of mankind has transcended its biological roots by reaching the Singularity and becoming one with ___(3)___, I realized, Oh shit, I’m 3,000 years late to my ___(4)___ exam. This was the first time I’d ever overslept an exam, so naturally I freaked the ___(5)___ out.”

1. Masturbate Panic Vomit 2. Clemency Xanthippe Antebellum 3. Dogs Grapes Nature 4. Prostate Gynecological Chemistry 5. Cat Shit Fuck

Section 2: Quantitative Reasoning

Section 3: United States History

Provide a numeric answer.

1. The local bar special consists of wells for $2 and draft beer for $3. How much money can you spend before you receive a low balance notification from your bank?

Complete the blank with the correct answer.

1. The abbreviation for “United States of America” is __________.

2. How many The Black Sheep articles can a person read in a span of one 50-minute lecture?

3. The first Mexican president was __________.

3. A girl gave you her phone number last night, but you forgot. How many combinations of 7-digit numbers can you randomly text before you find the right one?

2. There are _____ stripes and _____ stars on the Chinese flag.

4. __________ is the official cloven-hoofed animal of the US. 5. Complete the National Anthem: “Oh but ain’t that _____ for you and me. Ain’t that _____, we’re something to see. Ain’t that _____, home of the _____, yeah. Little _____ houses for you and me.”

4. Calculate the difference between your GPA and a 4.0. How much do you have to add for sufficient self-respect?

5. There are five bars scheduled on your barcrawl. You plan to spend one hour at each bar. How much time will you spend on your barcrawl, accounting for rounding up stragglers, food stops, waiting in line, and passing out?

Indicate which value is greater.

1. You have a 9 a.m. class. Which quantity is greater: the number of consecutive classes you can sleep through or the number of hours you will spend cramming for the final?

Section 4: street smarts Select the correct answer.

1. Liquor before beer. Are you in the clear?

In the clear Never been sicker 2. Never stick your dick in _____?

Mailboxes Chocolate Milk Crazy

2. You drive a Ford Focus. Which is greater: The number of miles per gallon or the number of chicks willing to bang you?

3. A dime bag costs?

1 dime

3. Your university charges X amount for tuition. Which has greater value: $X or your English degree?

4. What happens if you give a pig a pancake?

He will be satisfied.

He will want syrup.

4. On an average day, which number is greater: the hours you sleep, the hours you are awake, or the hours you are drunk?

5. Which direction do even-numbered Interstate highways run?

North-south East-west South by Southwest

10 dimes

100 dimes He will shit in your house.

North by Northwest

5. On a number line, which value is greater: -50 or -100?

answer key

Section 5: The Black Sheep History 1. What year was The Black Sheep established?

1935 1802 2015

6. Where is The Black Sheep headquarters?

Cleveland, OH Guantanamo Bay

2. How many articles are published every day by The Black Sheep?

0.5 540 5,302

7. How many feral cats roam The Black Sheep offices?

20 25 800

3. How many university campuses have The Black Sheep publications?

1 2 3

8. What is the favorite food of your average The Black Sheep writer?

Mutton Lamb Chops Buttered Noodles

4. Who is the best writer for The Black Sheep?

The Gonz The Gonz The Gonz

9. What is the average number of alphabetical letters used in a single The Black Sheep article?

26 10 666

5. What was The Black Sheep formerly known as?

The Booze News The Beer Broadcast The Liquor Lowdown

Chicago, IL

10. How high can the average The Black Sheep writer count?

10 20 3

Section 1 Part I 1. Washington Redskins 2. Zestful 3. Soulful 4. Keanu Reeves 5. Any answer is acceptable.

Part II 1. Masturbate 2. None of the options are correct, so fuck you.

3. Grapes, obviously.

4. Prostate 5. Shit

Section 2 Part I 1. The answer is equal to the amount of money in your bank account 2. 50 articles 3. 823543 4. Answers vary per person 5. 12 hours Part II Answers will vary.

Section 3 1. US of A 2. 0 stripes and 5 stars 3. Thomas Jefe-rson 4. The Black Sheep 5. America, America,

America, free, Red White & Blue Section 4 1. In the clear 2. Crazy 3. 100 dimes 4. He will want syrup.

5. East-west Section 5 1. 1802 2. 0.5 3. 2 4. The Gonz 5. The Booze News 6. Guantanamo Bay 7. 800 8. Buttered Noodles 9. 666 10. 3

seen-n-find!

Can you find the 8 sheep? If so, email us at spot@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

FAMOUS JENS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) This American Idol-winning Jennifer was born in Chicago.

6) This Jennifer was one of the stars on the late-90s sitcom Dharma & Greg.

7) Ben Affleck is married to this Jennifer.

9) This Jenna has over 14 million YouTube subscribers, the most by any woman.

10) Jenny Lewis is the lead singer of this band, two words.

14) Jennifer Lawrence plays this role in The Hunger Games series, two words.

15) Jennifer Coolidge played who’s mom in American Pie? 16) Jennifer Lopez became a household name after playing this famous pop star.

17) Jennifer Carpenter had a prominent role in this popular Showtime series.

DOWN: 1) This Jennifer won an Academy Award and a Golden Globe for her supporting role in A Beautiful Mind.

2) This Jennifer is both an actress and successful poker player.

4) This friendly Jennifer is regularly regarded as one of the most beautiful actresses.

5) This Jennifer is famous for her roles in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Dirty Dancing.

8) This Jenna is most notable for her adult-entertainment performances.

11) This Jennifer definitely knows what you did last summer, two words.

12) Jenna Bush Hager is a special correspondent for this tv show, two words.

13) Jenny McCarthy has a strong stance against what?

WEDNESDAY: 10 FOR $10!

10 DRINKS FOR 10 DOLLARS. KARAOKE CONTEST. BAR GAMES WITH CASH PRIZES

THURS: JAM W/ THE BAND 7:30-10PM AMERICAN MADE MUSIC SERIES 11-CLOSE, SHOT AND DRINK SPECIALS HOURLY

2350 WOODHILL DR. LEXINGTON(859) 266-6891 | AUSTINCITYSALOON.COM

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION LENA DUNHAM

CRAIG ROBINSON Can you believe that Lena Dunham and Craig Robinson are connected in 6 steps? It’s so crazy! Do you know how? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

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