The Black Sheep
S M F R E E. OKE .. L FRO IKE T M T HE S HE B AC E C O N D KO H F W AND HIT EHA LL
Vol. 3, Issue 13
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
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4/17/14 - 4/23/14
DUDE, WHERE’S MY KROGER? CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS The mighty mortar castle of Kroghetto has finally fallen. As heaps of rubble start piling up where the grocery once proudly stood, Kroghetto refugees are forced to forge for sustenance (stoner munchies) elsewhere. Like baby giraffes taking their first clumsy steps in the world, many UK students are clumsily trying to adapt surrounding Krogers. Chinoe Kroger: The Chinoe Kroger is now technically the closest Kroger to campus. It’s also the most accessible since UK has hired a shuttle to cart vehicle-less students to and from Euclid. For those who haven’t experienced the Chinoe Kroger, it differs from the Kroghetto in many ways. For one, it’s a hell of a lot smaller. Think of it as a Rite Aid with a deli section and an expanded cereal aisle. Second, it’s way more cliquey since it’s located in an area referred to as “deep Chevy Chase.” The only people who shop at Chinoe are from the surrounding neighborhoods. Students in their sweats, reeking of whatever alcohol they chose to pickle themselves in the night before, both look and smell out of place amongst the normally well-put together crowd who frequent the market for a good cheese to pair with their fine wine. Shopping here isn’t all bad though, they have a great selection of beer that rivals the Kroghetto and a vast concrete sea for parking so you no longer have to experience bouts of road rage when trying to park your 2003 Chevy Malibu. Kroger Marketplace: Another Kroger, the Kroger Marketplace located on Richmond Road, is the Wonka Factory of Krogers. There’s a sushi bar, Starbucks, large deli, a jewelry store, a clinic, a pharmacy, and a home goods section that offers everything from artwork to couches. Basically, you could wake up, grab some Starbucks in the morning, meet someone in line, have lunch with them, fall madly in love while perusing the hundreds of labyrinthian aisles, buy a ring, propose to them, and register for your wedding shower all in one day at one store. Even though it’s glorious-- harps play and angels sing when you enter through the doors-- there is a huge downside: It’s a big black hole, you will go in for toilet paper and come out three hours later with a full cart and a decorative chair you seriously don’t need. As a struggling kid in college, it’s your greatest love, but biggest downfall.
Nicholasville Road Kroger: This Kroger is often overlooked because it’s very well hidden, stuffed between a Michael’s and PetSmart in a shopping center. If you happen to stumble upon this treasure it has the most similar layout to the old Kroghetto, deli to the left, produce on the right, tons of aisles in the middle. The only bad thing is it’s located off of Nicholasville Road. If you’re brave (or stupid) enough to battle the hell that is Nicholasville at any hour of the day then this is an acceptable option from which you can procure whatever fine meats and cheeses your couch change can buy.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S LIFE AFTER COLLEGE?
S.O.S: SAVE OUR SEMESTER GRADES
READ IT AND WEEP, SISTERS.
No matter what Kroger you decide to use as a rebound, you’ll find that not being familiar with the surroundings is more commonplace than originally anticipated. Where’s the beer? The Pop-Tarts? Why can’t anyone find the Hot Pockets?! It’s a curious sight to behold, tons of students wandering aimlessly through the aisles in hopes of finding the holy grail of food they’ve been craving all week. With fierce determination and spirit, though, these Wildkittens will soon learn the foreign ways of these new establishments until they’re as comfortable with these alternative Krogers as they are with going pantless while their roommate’s mom is visiting.
WE’RE ANSWERING YOUR S.O.S. ON HOW TO REVIVE THAT GPA.
KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGES 10-11
JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.