Kentucky - Issue 12 - 12/4/2014

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

from FREE mis ! Like tlet sm oe a ooc t a f hes rat hou se.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 12

THE BLACK SHEEP’S

UK Holiday Gift Guide Erica Ryder wrote this The holiday season has a way of bringing all sorts of suppressed emotions to the surface. Grandma’s uncomfortable prying into your love life reminds you that your last date that didn’t begin with a right-swipe of your phone screen or end with you sneaking out of a stranger’s bed was over year ago. Dad’s bragging about you making the Dean’s List guilted you into remembering that you have at least two finals you’re probably going to fail. And everyone’s questions about what you plan to do with your philosophy major remind you that you’re going to be waiting tables ‘til you’re 30.

Needless to say, you made yourself comfortable with your great aunt’s liquor cabinet this past Thanksgiving. But now is the time that many of you may begin to arise from your drunken stupor just long enough to grab those last-minute Christmas gifts.

The Jagged, Tire-Worn, Claw of a Wildcat – $64: “RROOAAR!” This mangled wildcat’s claw is the perfect stocking stuffer. Frame it in the study, perforate the edges of your paper, or just scratch a friend! This gift is sure to keep your beloved UK fan entertained this Hanukkah season.

A Coupon for Keeping Down the Sex Noises – Free: Give your roommate a gift that money just can’t buy with a personalized, hand-written coupon granting one quiet romp in the hay that

your roommate can’t hear! No longer will your roommate sulk in his forever-alone sadness while shamefully unzipping his pants at the sound of your partner’s first wall-muffled, yet still-audible, moan!

World’s Sexiest Wildcat Lingerie – $79: This Kwanzaa season, watch your significant other’s face light up and their boudoir confidence skyrocket as they slip into this sensual undergarment set.

Take a trip to your local Victoria’s Secret collegiate apparel section to find this intimate attire, sensuously lined with fur from great, past Kentucky mascots.

A perfect gift for girlfriends, boyfriends, moms and dads! Comes in both men’s and women’s sizes ranging from cup sizes AAA to F. A Humongous Potato Sack Filled with Power Tools, Assorted Lawn Care Items, and #1 DAD Merchandise – $50-200: Not sure which cliché, run-ofthe-mill knick-knack to gift your father this Christmas? Why not give ‘em all! This enormous sack is sure to encompass all of your dad’s most expected and conventional Christmas wishes!

A Wildcat Straight from the Mountains; No Strings Attached – $2,399: Do you have that special someone desperate to make a splash at the next big tailgate, but is having trouble forging the paperwork or tapping into the black market? This 40-pound loveable, adaptable predator is happy, healthy, and

100% North American Lynx rufus. Order today and receive it by your winter’s eve solstice light festival!

UK Blue Jewel-Encrusted Dildo – $139.99: Diamonds are girl’s second best friend this holiday season. Complete with vibrating gems and a furry,

Wildcat kitty tickler, you can give your jewel-loving, UK-devoted, and masturbation-crazy pal a present that will keep her cozy and under the covers all season long!

Whether it’s for your mom, dad, roommate, or a dear one with an undying

Kentucky Wildcat fetish, you can use our comprehensive guide to select the perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas gift hit list. And hey, it’s not like they’re going to top anything on this list, so if Grandma ends up with a dildo, maybe she should spend more than $4.99 at the flea market on you.

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PAGES 12-13

UGLY SWEATERS FOR OTHER RELIGIONS

CLEVER UK PROFESSOR JOKES THAT “WINTER IS COMING”

OUR GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE POST-SEMESTER NETFLIX BINGING

A SAD, SAD ATTEMPT TO BETTER CONNECT WITH STUDENTS.

GET COZY WITH A BEER AND A BLANKET BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

UGLINESS KNOWS NO BOUND, NO MATTER WHAT HOLIDAY YOU CELEBRATE.

FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP

DECEMBER 4th, 2014 - DECEMBER 10TH, 2014

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, Man these “Burning headphones isn’t over, suck! is it?”

THE ALASKAN FIREDRAGON

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

CALLANDER A person who, when on the phone, always manages to think of one more thing to talk about. “…and one more thing,” Erin, a habitual callander, said, “did you hear about Karen last week?”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Played quarterback for Louisiana Tech.

2

Made comments to GQ that many perceived as homophobic.

3

Has a memoir titled, Happy, Happy, Happy.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

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FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @UKBLACKSHEEP

Ugly Sweaters for Other Religions (Winter 2014 Catalog) Staff wrote this Concerned you might be invited to an ugly Christmas sweater party but, as a Jesus-hater, haven’t suffered receiving one of grandma’s handmade horrors?

Jealous of the ugly, scratchy, moth-ball stench that all your Heaven-bound friends enjoy? Lucky for you, The Black Sheep has exclusive ugly sweaters for every religion, so don’t worry! Attend every ugly sweater party on your block in style with a variety of options to suit every personality. All styles come in a choice of size and color. Shipping and handling not included.

Judaism: The ugly sweater and yarmulke combination. The Hanukkah blue sweater will thrill this season with LED menorah lights, embroidered dreidels, and for those going for a more Hasidic vibe, a shtreimel for to complete the look. The matching yarmulke adds a touch of class with nine real candles.

Grow out those payots and you’ll be sure to stun this holiday season!

Kwanzaa: You’re a trendsetter. You

don’t confuse ethnic festivals with religious celebrations. You deserve a red, black, and green patterned shortsleeved button-up with embroidered kinara. Your catchphrase is “No, it’s not the black people version of Hanukkah, don’t worry.”

Muslim: An ugly hijab is your friend this winter! You’ll be nice and cozy with a wool veil adorned with crocheted Islamic crescents and absolutely zero depictions of Muhammad, praise be unto him. This sweater is the perfect ratio of itchy to fashionable, and everyone will be jealous of how warm your head is this holiday season. Just don’t let it fall off in public, ladies!

Sikh: An ugly turban will turn heads this holiday season! The tinsel turban is the perfect blend of shiny and modest, combined with an exclusive glow-inthe-dark lace and flashing party lights, your head will be the best dressed at the party. “Not a Muslim” cross-stitching option available for additional cost.

Scientologist: Our designers created the ultimate sweater for the avid scientologist this season, showing the entire history of Xenu, from 75 million years ago to today. The story is so long that this style is only available in XXL, and the designers who created them have mysteriously disappeared. Each order comes shipped with a sealed DVD copy of Battlefield Earth. Only one left in stock!

Buddhist: Desire for material possessions is discouraged. Seek pleasure beneath the threads, not along them. Exclusive second-hand Nirvana t-shirts from a local Goodwill will be available at a discount rate!

Hindu: An ugly sweater depicting lord Krishna and lord Vishnu come in exquisite embroidery. Scenes from the Kama Sutra in cross-stitch ensure you’ll be the life of the party and will never go home alone! Be careful, though, because your partner may expect much more out of you after reading

the stitching across your back.

Satanist: Black is the new black! This is a black sweater covered in blood with embroidered upside-down crosses and flashing red LED lights. Variations are also available: a regular Christmas sweater with mustaches sharpied on baby Jesus, a sweater featuring Mary Magdalene getting her heart ripped out by a misguided phoenix, and a sweater of the Holy Trinity (highly flammable).

Atheist: No sweater available at the moment; however, if you purchase any other sweater, you’ll receive a

complimentary superiority complex and a signed photo of Carl Sagan. Also available: see “Satanist” options above.

If anything in this season’s catalog is triggering the ol’ “Halloween-tier offensiveness” siren in your head, remember that a $10 sweater featuring a cartoon polar bear from Walmart may work just the same. After all, ugly Christmas sweater parties have about as much to do with Christianity as an anthropomorphic rabbit hiding eggs for children, so bending the rules of your own religious denomination shouldn’t be too much to ask for, right?

FINALS ARE COMING

THE TOP TEN

Freshman Thoughts on Finals Finals are upon us and for freshmen, this is the first time in their life that they’re studying something other than the back of their eyelids or the sorority rankings for rush week. The Black Sheep has delved into the abyss that is the freshman mind and have compiled a list of the top ten freshman thoughts on finals.

10.) “What is studying?”: When was the last time you studied in high school? At a certain point you stopped reading, just hoped for the best, and it all worked itself out in the end. But college is a different animal. You actually have to read things and memorize other things like some kind of nerd.

9.) “Can I bring my sleeping bag to Willy T?”: Things with your new bae, Willy T, are getting pretty serious. By the time finals roll around it’ll be time to start moving in for those long romantic nights with textbooks and graph paper. Look at you all grown up with your first mature college relationship.

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

TO ENDING IT RIGHT Lucas Troxell wrote this The semester is coming to a close and you feel like you haven’t accomplished everything that you wanted to accomplish. You’re still broke, you haven’t been laid in months, your GPA is in shambles, and you’ve only satisfied a third of the university graduation requirements. Your life is a bigger mess than the entire city of Louisville. The Black Sheep is here for you though, to tell you all the things you need to get done before the semester ends.

Get a real job: This summer you watched Wolf of Wall Street every day that ended in Y, and fantasized about paying your rent by manufacturing and selling Quaaludes. But this idea didn’t work out so well when you realized that everyone just smokes pot, and half the fraternities here at UK already cornered the market on that, rendering this gutsy, rent-paying scheme useless. At this point in the semester, you should give up, get off your ass, and go get a real college job. Like waiting tables at an Applebee’s.

You may smell like shame and various dipping sauces when you come home, but at least you make an honest living.

Drop your mixtape: Who needs stupid gen-ed requirements when you can just drop a mixtape and instantly become rich and famous?

Even if you don’t make it big, you’ll be on the fast-track to becoming a coke dealer. You could get your momma a house or buy that Wildcat statue on Euclid that raised tuition, and you wouldn’t even need a diploma to do it. With finals week almost here it’ll be a helluva lot smoother if you drop your mixtape instead of slaving for hell week. Remember, if Soulja Boy can do it, so can you!

Start a Twitter war with Drake over being a pussy fan: Dude is about as committed to his fandom as you are to your HIS 355 class. We ain’t got time for dat ‘ish in BBN. If you’re in with this shit, then you’re in this shit for life. If you @ him explaining this, then you’re more productively using your time than you would be doing anything else, ‘cause this needs to be addressed. Here are a few examples of how to start up a feud: “Aye @Drake, you need to Find Your Love, we got more Trophies in this bitch than you got Grammys.” “We don’t need No New Friends in The Crew, just hold on we’ll take you home.” And our personal favorite, “Our Motto is winning, we Own It, you just need to Take Care cause even though you Started From The Bottom, we’ve always been at the top.”

Let out all the horses at Keeneland: Those little shits have cost you a lot of money. So, they kind of deserve being taken from their Keeneland habitat. As for what to do with the horses after you set them free? You know the bowl outside of Willy T? Perfect size and shape for a race track. The slope might cause some problems for the horses, but hey, you don’t have to invite PETA to leisurely enjoy the racing. College kids love to gamble, and they’re usually too drunk to effectively wager, so you can make bank off of running this thing.

End your semester with a bang by accomplishing everything The Black Sheep recommends. Momma would be proud and you’d be one cool m’fer. We wouldn’t recommend it if it wasn’t fun as shit.

8.) “Is prostitution seriously an option?”: Don’t be shy, we’ve all thought it. Who wants to study for finals when you could be putting those frat basement moves to profitable use? Screw your hopes and dreams of becoming a doctor. If you’re going to disappoint your parents, you might as well go the whole nine yards.

7.) “Will my parents still love me?”: Speaking of disappointed parents, there is a 100% chance they will not love you anymore when you fail your finals. They’re used to their baby getting straight A’s in art class, but college is a slap of reality and your transcript is about to feel the sting.

6.) “Is it too late to drop out and enroll at BCTC?”: Community college: half the tuition and double the drugs and tattoos. You’ll still be close enough to sneak into the lottery with your now-void Wildcard ID. 5.) “Is sleeping with my prof for good grades a real thing?”: All those fantasies you’ve been having about seducing your typical, lonely, suburban COM 101 professor could finally come true. Go on a limb and try to bone him or her. How can they take it the wrong way? Even if they’re not interested, they’ll appreciate the compliment and are guaranteed to give you extra credit.

4.) “If Stone Cold Willow can pass, I can pass.”: Sticking to this mindset can really calm you down; that is, until you realize that Willow doesn’t actually attend UK. But the BCTC finals have to be kind of similar to UK’s, don’t they?

3.) “How do I find Adderall?”: If you’re from the Louisville area, drug culture isn’t new to you. If you’re new to the drug scene, don’t be stupid; you might end up paying $12 for two caffeine pills.

2.) “Can I use my leftover Flex dollars for extra credit?”: You’ve been complaining all year about the meal plan, but here’s the secret: leftover Flex can be cashed in for extra credit! Just knock on Capilouto’s door relentlessly and give him “the look” until he understands you’re there for the extra credit.

1.) “My GPA needs to equal the number of false starts Jordan Swindle averages per game.”: It’s no secret that Kentucky football is only popular to freshmen because of tailgates. Most of you will realize that in order to succeed, you should turn all of Jordan Swindle’s false starts into a positive goal and shoot to get as many A’s as his penalties. #Goals Kelsey Mattingly wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s your best two-sentence New Year’s Eve story?

MICHAELA, JUNIOR "I kissed about 25 people one year.

Almost got herpes of the mouth."

SEAN, SENIOR "I see a lot of poor lads jump through hoops for a New Year’s kiss. I see a lot of rejection."

MOLLY, JUNIOR "As a bunch of idiot, not sober teenagers, we deemed ourselves qualified enough to set off the jumbo fireworks."

06

NOVEMBER NO MO'

Police across the nation are reporting the deaths of millions of beards since December began. On the first of the month, widespread reports of beard remains littered everywhere began to surface. The scraggly corpses of facial hair were found in the clogged sinks of freshly-shaven men by their roommates. Investigation is still under way, but many suspect the beards to be victims of an annual sacrificial tradition coming at the climax of an event called “No Shave November.”

The mass murder of beards on such a scale is nothing new. For the past several years, large quantities of beard hair have been found in sinks during early December, leading several to believe there’s a pattern to these killings. New evidence suggests that the men responsible for No Shave November (and the ensuing execution of innocent beards) are part of a cult, known as “Movember.”

Below is a picture of one mutilated beard found at a crime scene in Lexington, sitting in a shallow grave. *Warning: The following image is graphic. Children and those with a weak heart are advised to look away.

“We’ve been trying to track down these sick freaks for as long as I can remember,” said one campus police officer.

“Basically, these guys spend the whole month of November not shaving their beards. Some of them grow out beards that are quite disgusting, and others, simply unimpressive. And at the end of the month, they get out a blade and decapitate their facial hair one by one. In my personal opinion, these men have been brainwashed.

Nobody would do this shit unless their brains were scrambled.”

Investigators hypothesize that members of the Movember cult use the month of November to grow out their beards as a symbol of their masculinity. Against the will of their girlfriends, their wives, and anybody with the gift of sight, men throughout the world compete to see who can display the hairiest monstrosity on their face.

Then at the beginning of the next month, when the beards have outlived their purpose, they become sacrificed to the gods. This ritual is suspected to be offered in the hopes of an even greater “harvest” next November.

“Yeah, I do No Shave November each year,” said one of the deranged cult lunatics. “It’s pretty fun, and it’s for a good cause. My girlfriend says she won’t kiss me when I have my beard, but I like having one, even though my mustache doesn’t connect with the rest of it.”

It’s a heartbreaking and tragic situation for all involved, including those whose loved ones have been brainwashed

by Movember. “I just wish I could have the old Robby back,” stated the girlfriend of one cult member. “I loved him so much before he drank the No Shave November Kool-Aid! But ever since he got the idea of growing the biggest beard possible, it’s been as if I’m dating a whole different guy. I don’t even recognize him anymore.”

Thousands of men have already been arrested for the grotesque murder of their beards, and many more are expected to see a jail cell as well. Authorities are working night and day to bring Movember to justice. The power of the organization has proven to be so pervasive that even men who had nothing to do with the beard slaughter are identifying with the organization.

“I did No Shave November, and all I got was a little peach fuzz,” said one member. “I’m 20 years old, and after a month, I still can’t grow a beard. Seriously, what the fuck?”

WE WANT YOU!

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THE BAR GRID Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Live Music!

2-4-1 Wells

Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$4 Bombs

Saturday

$4 Jack Honey Kitchen Open Until 2AM

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry.

DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday

Now Hiring Writers Your witty Tweets are just the beginning.

Apply @ theblacksheeponline.com THE BAR GRID

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

FRIDAY: Red Bull Play & Destory

NEVER ENDING HAPPY HOUR: $2 Wells from open until close! Live music or a DJ every Thursday! Doors open at 7, music starts at 9. FREE COVER Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

Punchout DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm!

Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

Thursday

HAPPY HOUR 5-9, $2 Wells, $9 Barrel Bowls ALL NIGHT! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Red Bull Play & Destroy

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

Doors open at noon, or 2 hours before ALL UK games, $12 Domestic buckets during the game, $9 Barrel Bowls all day long LIVE MUSIC starts at 9 with our DJ going on between sets and after 1am!

FREE Cover for the ladies

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

$12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs DJ Reknown, No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Join us starting at noon for all the NFL coverage you can handle! $5 Build your own Bloody Mary bar, and several Mimosa specials going on EVERY Saturday & Sunday! FREE WIFI and $7 Domestic pitchers ALL DAY

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday!

Well drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

Open for ALL UK Games: $3 John Wall & gatorade shots, $12 Domestic buckets!

Otherwise closed, except for private events. For venue booking please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing - we supply the fish, you race them in our custom track! $2 Well Drinks and Pints, DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Come join us starting at 7 for $2 KT shots and $4 LIT's!!

Acoustic music starts at 9, FREE COVER

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Kentucky Vs. Columbia 7pm Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday: HAPPY HOUR 5-9 $2 Wells!

Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CURRENT EVENTS

Clever UK Professor Jokes that “Winter is Coming” to Better Connect With Students Staff wrote this

After the first taste of the bitterly cold and agonizingly long winter that is to come, students at the University of Kentucky have been running on fumes, and are already showing up at class with the glazed look in their eyes as if they had smoked for 40 hours straight – a practice usually saved for finals week. One clever and semi-culturally relevant physics professor, Michael Dixon, sought to break the zombie-like trance his students had been in by using one of his limited pop culture references stored in his arsenal.

make a few of my students chuckle. I feel like that line is a hit!”

“Don’t forget your exam next week and be sure to bundle up,” Professor Dixon snickered at the end of his Monday, 8 a.m. Physics 101 class. “...Winter is coming.”

After no students laughed or made so much as an awkward sigh, Dixon was visibly distraught. While the class was working on an assignment, Dixon reportedly pulled up ratemyprofessor.com and saw students had already started posting about his overuse of the joke. After reading one that stated, “Professor Dixon sucks Khaleesi’s dragon’s ballz. Get better jokez old man,” the out-of-touch professor researched other pop culture references having to do with winter.

A few students chuckled at the Game of Thrones reference as they packed up their bags. Dixon, however, took this as a sign that he was “in” with the younger generation now.

“I’ve never even seen Game of Thrones, but I’ve just heard the reference and knew it was from some popular show about dragons and incest,” stated Professor Dixon as he scrolled through the /r/AdviceAnimals subreddit. “I’m just glad I could

The next day in class, Dixon reportedly said, “winter is coming” 17 times during lecture, even in situations where it made no sense.

“Alright so the formula for velocity is total distance traveled over total time taken, does anyone know why?” Professor Dixon questioned during class. “No one? Alright, well it’s because WINTER IS COMING.”

The next time class met, Dixon shook with excitement over the next winter-themed pop culture joke he was going to make. As he started lecture, Professor Dixon told his students that

there would be no homework assigned for Thanksgiving break, to the tune of the popular M ariah Carey song “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” “I don’t know much about physics, but there is just one thing I need, I don’t care about my grades for PHYS 101 at UK,” Dixon serenaded the class, standing on desks. “All I want for Christmas is a break from YOUUUUU, baby!”

classroom in utter shock, disgust, and confusion by the aged reference as he continued to gyrate himself on a metal candy cane.

As he finished the last part of the song, disco balls and strobe lights reportedly started going off in the classroom, and Dixon ripped off his suit to reveal a skimpy Santa Claus outfit much like the one Mariah wears in the music video. Students fled the

“I hope you all enjoyed my little Thanksgiving treat, and remember how hip good old Professor Dixon is!” he called out to students amidst the frenzy of everyone trying to leave at the same time.

“Remember one last thing, winter is coming!”

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Might as well just put married Major: Upper ecclesia Tin Roof management Favorite Drink: Hennessey • Favorite Shot: Gin and juice Disgusting Drink: Anything with Jager What’s next up after the Fireball craze dies down?: Warm gin craze. Gin bombs.

As a bartender, how can you tell if someone isn’t a student here?: Honestly, I thought Willow was a student, so you really can’t tell.

What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: A vodka water.

How do you make it?: Vodka. Ice. Then water.

Is there a word you use in everyday conversation that confuses people?: When I greet people I usually want them to kiss my hand and that confuses people. I just think it's hysterical.

Who would win in a fight, you or a bobcat?: I’m gonna go ahead and say the bobcat. I could never hit a cat. I just couldn’t do it.

What chain restaurant is criminally underrated?: Applebee’s. They have $2 PBRs. That’s so American.

THOMAS of TIN ROOF

THE DRINKING GAME

If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Matt Burnoff. Because I can’t grow hair on my face and his is beautiful. I just wanna know what it feels like to have facial hair.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Great interviews from great black bartenders. #diversity

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

WINTER WARMTH

EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA

So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.

Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.

What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink.

Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine.

How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude.

- You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh?

- You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin.

- You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on.

- You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside.

- There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man.

- You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is.

What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires.

Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries.

Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

- Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it.

- If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip.

- If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep?

- Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it.

You’re smart; you go to college to learn good.

- Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’.

- When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute.

The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?

We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.

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THE BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

NOW

what?

to Surviving the Post-Semester Netflix Binging Logan Bailey wrote this With almost a full month off, the college crowd is ready and poised for a Netflix binge to end all Netflix binges. The following is the definitive binge guide for the latest and greatest shows Netflix has to offer. Grab some beer and your favorite childhood blanket and let The Black Sheep guide you through another awkward winter home with the fam.

WINTER BREAK PREP 2014

Dexter

8 Seasons, 96 Eps, 60 mins – 96 Hours Total Synopsis: Serial killer kills other serial killers while juggling hot wife, three kids, loudmouth cop sister, and job with Miami Homicide. Also, speaks to dead dad’s ghost-like presence for guidance in how to commit murder.

Binge Plan: If you play it safe, you can watch a season in two days, six episodes a day. That’d mean you could finish her off just before the New Year if you start no later than the 17th. Or you can stay awake for four days and finish all eight seasons right on the 96th hour – not too bad.

Got a Dark Passenger?: How many times in the last three months have you plotted to successfully kill that smartass in your anatomy class, and dispose of the body without anyone guessing it was you? Dexter Morgan can and WILL teach you the ways, one hour at a time.

Weeds

House MD

8 Seasons, 177 eps, 42 mins – 124 Hours Total Synopsis: Drugged-out genius doctor solves weird medical cases while being snarky and dickish to everyone he comes in contact with.

Star-studded cameos from folks like LL Cool J, Carmen Electra, Jeremy Renner, and Dave Matthews – and some of them even die!

Binge Plan: There are a lot of episodes here, but they go by pretty quick if you slip into a nap in middle of each one. See, with House MD, you really only need to see the beginning and the end to get what’s happening. The middle is just a bunch of medical bullshit, bickering between annoyingly unimportant characters, and really awkward sexual tension between…literally everyone.

Okay, so the latter bit is sort of worth it. Just turn on the auto-play and you’re free to doze in and out for the next 124 hours. Happy watching!

Paging Dr. House: You’re sitting there in your flannel sweatpants shamelessly drinking your sixth cup of egg nog, and the only thing you’re thinking about is how bad that could really be. Well he’d probably say he doesn’t give a shit, but he’d tell you in a really funny, asshole kind of way.

How I Met Your Mother

8 Seasons, 102 eps, 25 mins – 42.5 Hours Total Synopsis: Irresponsible widow/mom sells weed to anyone and everyone – making sure to get herself and family involved with the DEA, FBI, and drug cartels in Mexico.

Binge Plan: These episodes are crazy quick; you can squeeze in almost three every hour, no problem. Your best bet with this baby is to sit back and relax for, like, 42.5 hours. Your mom’s couch is way more comfortable than your POS futon anyway, so why not finish it up while your mom makes you dinner?

Meet the Botwins: Let’s be honest this Christmas: if you’re not smoking weed, you’re probably selling it. You’ve got three weeks, so let Miss Botwin show you how not to sell copious amounts of marijuana, so that you can avoid prison time, or death. If you’re gonna be a criminal, at least help us help you be successful. But seriously, Nancy is so annoyingly stupid, we have faith you can do much, much better.

9 Seasons, 202 Eps, 22 mins – 74 Hours Total Synopsis: Future dude named Ted tells his kids about how he met their mother back in the (present) day.

Binge Plan: It would take you over three days without sleeping to watch these. Lord knows the last season(s) are hit or miss too, so maybe you should pace yourself here. We’re thinking like, nine full work days to finish her off; taking like eight-hour shifts with the show.

Classic Schmosby: Jason Segel, Neil Patrick Harris, and Alyson Hannigan were basically the Three Musketeers of TV sitcoms. Everybody gripes about the ending (no spoilers ahead, chill the hell out), but goddamn it, there’s comedy gold hiding in this geezer reminiscing about his debaucherous glory days in New York City. So, if you’re vegging out on your lonely dorm’s love seat, don’t be afraid to get all pathetically nostalgic with Ted and his brat kids – tears abound.

Sherlock

House of Cards

3 Seasons, 9 eps, 90 mins – 13.5 Hours Total Synopsis: Genius detective weirdo solves crimes in present-day London with his grumpy doctor sidekick.

Binge Plan: This show has short, three-episode seasons – but the damn things are movie length every time. Luckily, they are action packed. Also, you have to remember these episodes can be mind-benders sometimes, so do a season a day, taking just about four hours a pop. You’ll be done in no time, and also quite a bit smarter, it’s just elementary.

You Can be Watson: We all know how much it sucks solving shitty problems with little to no money or will power. Just sit back and let the sleuth badassery of Benedict Cumberbatch solve it for you. You’re more than welcome to live vicariously through THEE Sherlock Holmes. Indeed? Indeed.

Louie

3 Seasons, 40 eps, 23 mins – 16 Hours Total Synopsis: Following around a hilariously pathetic divorced father of two, as he stumbles through life in New York as a lonely comedian.

Binge Plan: With only three seasons on Netflix, you could absolutely finish this baby off in one day. That, however, might not be the best idea. This one is just too good to bust through so quickly. Try a four-episode-a-day schedule and really soak in Mr. C.K.’s sad efforts at surviving adulthood – something we’re all going to experience sooner than later.

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-aye: We’re all getting older…like seriously pulling out gray hairs and shit. Louie here is an example of how to function in the real world post-academia when you really don’t seem to have any business trying to make it in said real world. Sit back and enjoy his funny self-loathing, so that you can successfully ignore yours.

2 Seasons, 26 eps, 60 mins – 26 Hours Total Synopsis: The rise of congressman Frank Underwood through the United States government via violence, manipulation, blackmail, and really awkward sex.

Binge Plan: There are only two seasons so far, so this one is gonna be quick and satisfying (see what we did there?). Start it with a pot of coffee at 8a.m., and end it with another pot at 10a.m. the next day.

Who Needs a 4th Wall?: Don’t pretend you aren’t secretly hoping a Frank Underwood actually appears and takes over the country. With his suave southern drawl, old-mannish features, and adulterous actions…alright, so this might not be an entirely new concept, but the show knows how to quench your thirst for blood and scandal.

Breaking Bad

5 Seasons, 62 eps, 50 mins – 52 Hours Total Synopsis: Middle-aged high school chemistry teacher finds out he has cancer, so he starts making meth with the help of his junkie former student and various other nut-jobs to pay for his medical bills and set up his family for life should he die.

Binge Plan: At about 52 action-packed hours, this one isn’t one to take lightly. That being said, it’s incredibly hard not to watch it all at once, and it’s almost a shame not to. And yeah, you’re gonna be bummed out when you’ve watched the last episode of season five and you realize you don’t get to watch Walt and Jessie’s banter ever again. Luckily, this is one you can re-watch no problem. We’d argue a two day, no sleep stint is absolutely necessary to get the full Breaking Bad experience.

That Damn Flysta: Well, you must be sort of curious how to make meth, right? Walter White is pretty much the greatest chemistry teacher to grace the small screen. Not to mention he’s kind of a pushover in the beginning stages, so if you feel akin with a nerdy-ass science dude, it tastes pretty freaking good watching him rise to Heisenberg status.

THE BACK PAGE

THE BACK PAGE

THE BEST TIMES

the MY CHRISTMAS LIST madlib Dearest parents/step-parents, I realize you all pay for my tuition to ___1___ and also a place to rest my sweet little head at in/at ___2___, but ’tis the season, right? In between regular snacks on ___3___ and store-bought ___4___, I’m like, totes in the Christmas spirit. So without further ado, I present my Christmas list.

1) Okay, honestly, is it really that hard to get a ___5___? Everyone has one, even ___6___, so maybe the school did pay for it on the down low. Sorry I’m not a football player, gosh.

2) Gift cards to the following places: ___7___, ___8___, ___9___ and, last but not least, ___10___. Finna get smart next semester! Oh, and only denominations of no less than $ ___11___.

3) If we can squeeze it, a ___12___ so I can get my fitness on in the comfort of my own home while watching ___13___, because I cannot miss an ep of that. Oh, and I guess I’ll need some running shoes.

4) Would it be so much to be in a ___14___-of-the-month club? Okay, look, I’m not 21; we all know that. But my fake ___15___ is 23 now, so take a little from her, add a little to mine… ta-da! Same goes with a ___16___-of-the-month to prevent hangovers. Don’t judge me, mom.

5) I’ve always wanted to learn how to ___17___, so maybe a class I can take on the weekends? Jobs really look for well-rounded individuals, right?

6) A pet ___18___. If Justin Bieber had that monkey, I deserve something too… right??? After all, it’s not my fault that ___19___ got ran over when I was 5 and I never really recovered from it. MOM, I HATE YOU. 7) Just kidding, I love you! And I also love ___20___ from Tiffany.

CLUE BANK 1) Your university 2) Where you live 3) Festive treat 4) Festive beverage 5) Very specific luxury car 6) Your school's quarterback 7) Fast food restaurant 8) Shitty clothing store 9) Luxury clothing store 10) Your student bookstore 11) Number between 100 and 1000 12) Workout machine 13) Reality show 14) Type of alcohol 15) Any ol' name 16) Awesome comfort food 17) Dangerous skill 18) Exotic animal 19) Pet name 20) Type of body jewelry

Alrighty, hope this gives you enough time to shop! Loves ya.

es! eer, and Low Pric B e m o Awes asty Wine, T

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