Kentucky - Issue 12 - 4/10/2014

Vol. 3, Issue 12

The Black Sheep

CIT FREE ATI ON ... LIK O N E YO STA UR TE S TRE E

T.

4/10/14 - 4/16/14

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

BEWARE: THE FREE SPEECH AREA’S

SPRING AWAKENING

TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS Brace yourselves. The Free Speech Area crazies are coming.

sun warms their grassy little patch of free speech.

You know the ones. The crazed religiopolitico-socio-economic-neo-Nazi folks who stake out that small patch of grass in front of the Student Center to hurl their ideas at you. They want you to acknowledge that you’re going to hell, believe that aliens built the pyramids (and the new UK dorms), and surrender to the new world order that centers around Pitinoism ...which is a religion where Rick Pitino is their deity.

Insanity!

But the reprieve is about to end. The extralong winter gave the crazies more time on their hands and with all of that time to prepare, they’ve drawn their plans with more precision, more spectacles, and more ridiculousness than ever before. Be warned, UK: it’s going to be a big month for the Free Speech Area.

They usually want you to take their flyer, and if you don’t, they’re going to remind you that by not taking their little information pamphlet, you are essentially dooming yourself to the pits of the nightmarish underworld. They stand in their little Free Speech Area, holding their cardboard sign that says things like “The End is Near, BNN!” “Capilouto and Calipari will bring on the Apocalypse!” “Leggings are not pants, sorority girls!” or perhaps the scariest sign to read, “Convert Now: UofL fanhood is the Key to Life!” and expect you to listen.

This year, UK students have been lucky.

Because of Snowpocolaypse, campus has been colder than a Natty Ice snow cone stand at the South Pole, so the free speech crazies have stayed off campus to keep warm. They have hibernated in their dogma mud huts, counting the days ‘til the

Forget about the anti-sex activists who hold signs that tell you that promiscuity is a plague; signs are for the unprepared. Instead, they have been rehearsing a 4-hour opera called “Les Miserables STIs.”There will be off-key opera singing, post-French Revolution battle scenes, and asides about the agonizing effects of chlamydia acted out by terrible actors in dirty, frilly costumes.

They may also introduce a Rockettes-style kick line while a full orchestra plays the funeral march. If you thought you felt dirty after these sex-before-marriage protests before, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

As for the Westboro Baptist Church-style demonstrators who make sure you get your Starbucks coffee with a side of fire and brimstone, they will actually have fire and brimstone. Remember the “floor is lava” game when you were little? It will be like that, but on the awkward steps leading to the Student Center. And with real lava. If you plan on walking to the Cats Den or the

upstairs Chick-fil-A to get your nugget fix, you may want to plan an alternate route to avoid their version of Hell on Earth.

Lava is nothing compared to what the Bigotry Brigade has planned. This group is a narrow-minded rally of haters that uses their chants and signs to spew venom on anyone who is a sexual, political, or racial minority. Usually, they draw a crowd of stu-

PAGE 4

PAGE 5

ODE TO BAR PATIOS

OH GOD, GRADUATION IS HERE ISN’T IT?

THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE OUR FEELINGS FOR BAR PATIO SEASON, BUT HERE’S OUR BEST ATTEMPT.

dents who feel the need to verbally battle them for the sake of open-mindedness.

This spring, they plan to take this battle one step further. Prepare to witness the 2014 “Societal Smackdown: Bigotry vs. UK Students Wrestling Match!”

In this corner, weighing 390 pounds, The Balding Behemoth, Reverend Bigotry himself!

In the other corner, weighing 312 pounds col-

SUNRISE, SUNSET, SWIFTLY FLY THE UNDERGRADUATE HANGOVERS.

KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

lectively, the Students for Equality Campaign!

With their intensely slanted views and passive-aggressive tactics, the free speech crazies have often been laughable. But now, they emerge from an intense winter into an even more intense spring. Flyers and signs are dead; pyrotechnics and live-action stage shows rise! Beware, UK! Beware the free speech crazies!

PAGES 10-11

WE INTERVIEW: THE ORWELLS IF THESE YOUNG SUBURBAN BOYS DON’T BECOME FAMOUS, WE’LL EAT OUR METAPHORICAL HAT.

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ODE TO BAR PATIOS: A LOVE STORY REBECCA ANDERSON WROTE THIS It’s now springtime in the Bluegrass, As you Wildcats already know, So many things we can now enjoy, That were once halted by the snow.

There’s Keeneland, day drinking, and baseball, But these aren’t the best parts, Please come sit around my couch fire, Here’s where my story starts.

‘Twas a Friday night not long ago, I made my discovery, After fighting through the Two Keys crowd, My heart was filled with glee.

The patio was open!

I couldn’t believe my eyes, At that point, in my heart, I knew spring had arrived.

The sectioned table areas, Were such a sight for my sore eyes, As was the moon and all the stars, When I looked up at the sky.

My friends and I sat down, And while I was waiting on my drink, I took a moment, closed my eyes, And drunkenly started to think…

About how spring nights are the best of times, As you Wildcats already know, And they are heightened by the atmosphere, Of a great bar patio.

Openly smoking cigarettes, Without having to actually step outside, And freeze your ass off in the winter apocalypse, While your friends stay warm inside.

There’s something about the fresh night air, That makes us want to rage, All winter long we’ve been cooped inside, Like Wildcats in a cage.

Crop tops, shorts, and tanks, Summer gear is finally back, There are no jackets to be found, On a lonely coat rack.

Who needs to find the bathroom?

When you’ve had one too many beers, Just stick your head out over the fence And pull your hair behind your ears.

Don’t worry if you’re not of age, And don’t have a fake,

Climbing over that big tall fence, Is a risk we’ve all had to take.

Continuing to reminisce, I thought about the fact, There are bar patios all around our big blue town, Each with their own impact.

Hugh Jass with their beer towers, Occupying that corner spot, Always has the sports game on, Whether anyone’s watching or not.

Reggae bands at Atomic Café, And that fence gap in the back, Who needs an ID when you can just walk in? …As long as it’s super packed.

Fish Bowls are found at Two Keys, And tiki torches shine like the sun, Frat boys are betting on the hook game, Although none of them have won.

At this very point in my thoughts, I was awoken and received my beer, And once again my eyes were opened, To my surrounding atmosphere.

There was a random girl across from me, Passed out on the bench, She only had one flip flop on, And her clothes all were drenched.

The memory of that Friday, Is not quite so clear, But I hope you get my point, As you’re sitting here.

An eighties rock song began to play, And Bronski jumped on the bar, He lip synched all of “Jessie’s Girl,” And was instantly a star.

As this semester comes to an end, And you become so stressed out, Remember this great fact, And with joy you’ll shout.

I did then turn around, And was instantly filled with regret, As I witnessed Stone Cold Willow, Sucking face with some brunette.

Bar patios are finally back, Now’s not the time to be choosy, Because there’s nothing we love more, Than sitting outside getting boozy.

CURRENT EVENTS

OH GOD, GRADUATION’S HERE ISN’T IT? CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS

With little over a month left in the semester there’s a bittersweet realization that, for some of us, our last year at UK is coming to an end faster than Duke’s run in the NCAA tournament. When our time comes and we take those dreaded steps across the stage at Rupp we’ll be carrying with us a lifetime of memories. Well, at least fragments of memories that our Natty-pickled brains have been able to piece together from countless tailgates, beautiful, class-free afternoons at Keeneland, and midnight hockey. Before we move our tassels and throw our caps in the air, though, let’s take a moment to look back on what we’ve experienced and accomplished.

Cue another epic “See Blue” montage.

Our freshman year started off in the best way. We were inducted into the Calipari generation, and even if you’re one of those students who turns his nose up at school athletics, you have to admit the ‘Cats and ole Cal have helped put UK back on the map. We can proudly say our school’s team, even when it only starts its freshmen, is and will forever be greater than the Louisville Cardinals.

We can also say we were the class to start the now infamous State Street tradition.

Inspired by Time Square on New Year’s Eve and a zombie apocalypse, it’s an End of Daysproportions celebration that everyone and their mother wants to take part in at least once.

We also had the opportunity to experience Tolly Ho in its prime when it was located directly next to campus on Limestone.

Underclassmen, imagine weekends at 3a.m., a bar with a line out the door and around the block, and you not knowing who you were going to run into or make-out with. We get

to remember it. Despite the limited seating, bathroom doors barely hanging from a single rusted hinge and the drunken brawls that always ensued, the Ho was the spot to be.

It hasn’t been all Adderall-induced sunshine.

Halfway through our college career we witnessed the loss of some of campus’ biggest staples. For instance, gone from Lexington are the buy-one-get-one-free entrée coupon for Cane’s, K-Lair fell to the new dorms, and the O.G. ratchet-ass Wildcat Lodge-- where many North Campusers drunkenly ran into people like Boogie Cousins on random nights of the week-- is little more than a distant memory.

Not to mention we had to survive through the reign of terror that was the Willy T. foot stabber. It was a dark time in our lives when the image of bright orange pants struck fear into our hearts and phantom pains in our feet.

It’s hard to believe, but there was once a time when it felt like we were all safe.

As this rollercoaster ride of a college career stalls at the top of hill before the big drop, we’ll keep in mind the butterflies we felt when it made it over the first hump of shared living space and foreign classrooms. No matter how drunk we were, we’ll never forget all the highs we relished in when our favorite Cats did the impossible or the relief when we didn’t flunk that chem exam. The massive amount of suspicious vomit we’ve encountered over the years that once brought us shame and nausea now holds a special place in our hearts.

Yet, even when we cross the stage, holding our diploma, muttering obscenities to every asshole professor under our breaths, we’ll still bleed blue, chanting the ‘Cats cheer at our grandchildren’s weddings.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE DUMBEST THING YOU’VE EVER BOUGHT ON THE INTERNET? Brad, Grad Student

“A Chia Pet shaped like Willie from Duck Dynasty.”

Michael, Senior

“A penis pump that doubles as a bong.”

Fred, Freshman

“A watch with interchangeable bands #snazzy, still getting the last one.”

06

AROUND CAMPUS

IDEAL UK STUDENT ACCEPTED

INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T STAFF WROTE THIS

As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after the other. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t.

“Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick?

No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total asshole, does the work thoroughly without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.”

The UK student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with under-privileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing for this summer?”

“He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Stephanie Birmingham, a junior in advertising. “That agen-

THE

TOP

TEN

THINGS KENTUCKY STUDENTS WOULD SELL THEIR BODIES FOR LUKE TROXELL WROTE THIS

UK is great and all, what with exceptional campus dining, set-in-stone tuition, and non-existent parking but sometimes it just leaves you longing for more. Here at, The Black Sheep, we’ve made a list of the top ten things we’d sell our bodies for here at Kenucky.

10.) A fake I.D.: Underage drinking is bad, but not if you have a fake I.D. There isn’t a butt plug we wouldn’t consider if it meant getting into Two Keys, any bar in Lexington really, without getting thrown out by a grumpy, bald bouncer.

9.) Taco Bell on campus: Taco Bell is a majestic, nacho cheese utopia; a provider of pure, mouthwatering bliss, and a place that would be fucking great if it replaced Sbarro in the Student Center. If Taco Bell straddles the line between fake and real food, Sbarro is far on the wrong side of that same line.

cy has been the only place I have applied to for the past 3 years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after the other. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest post-Chipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …”

Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus, which is not unlike the average college student.

However, what turns the student population off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume.

“Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled The Kentucky Kernel editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I could care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want com-

panies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.” The editor abruptly left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel his un-supported and tasteless anger through another opinion piece.

We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Starbucks, passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received accept letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly blessed and lucky” to see his hard work pay off at this crucial point in his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.”

As a staff full of writers who will spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.

8.) A couch to burn: Nobody in Lexington roots harder for UK to win in March than local used furniture stores. After a successful tournament run no one would be happier than Big Pat, owner of Big Pat’s Used Furniture on Euclid.

7.) Better parking: UK parking LOL. Maxwell Smith’s third down passing was more efficient. We’d sell our bodies to the dirtiest hobos on Woodland Avenue for better parking, we’re that tired of getting parking tickets every time we get hungry and go to the Student Center.

6.) SAB events worth going to: SAB is hosting a hopscotch tournament in K Lot. YAY. No seriously, dragging our balls through K Lot littered with broken glass sounds more fun. How about a campuswide beer pong tournament, SAB? That’s what we want.

5.) The twins to stay: The past five years this campus has seen more turnover than all the other SEC basketball teams combined. Our players stay about as long as Rick Pitino and Karen Sypher hang out in a Porcini bathroom stall.

4.) Textbooks: When the price of books for a class is higher than the course number, a problem is afoot.

Selling one’s body to a complete stranger sounds like a bargain compared to $365 for HIS 351 books.

3.) Better WiFi: So professors ask us to do like 15 assignments a week on Blackboard, yet our grandmas 1980’s cell phone has a stronger signal than campus’ WiFi connection. That makes about as much sense as actually expecting us to go to class on Fridays after spring break.

2.) Keeneland to be open all year: Booze, bow ties, and horse gambling. The grass is always bluer at Keeneland. Now if only we could set up a system for placing bets, too.

1.) Newtown indoor pool: If Newtown had an indoor pool we would never have to worry about those crazy Lexington winter nights again. It’d be worth closing your eyes and opening your mouth for some sensual seduction if it meant you could grab your American flag swimming trunks and a couple cold cases of Natty Light.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close

SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI!

Enjoy Happy Hour Sunday - Friday! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts

Thursday 4/10

Thirsty Thursday!

Happy Hour prices all night long!

College Night!

FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!!

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Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm

Friday 4/11

Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls!

Live music and enjoy one of over 135 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm

Saturday 4/12

Say it ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game!

House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10!

FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

Join us for Happy Hour Sunday-Friday!

Sunday 4/13

Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers

SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI!

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm

Monday 4/14

Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm

Tuesday 4/15

Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events...to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm

Wednesday 4/16

$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry!

10 PM til close

FREE COVER, LIVE MUSIC @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball shots!

Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm 1/2 Price Wine Bottles After 6pm

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM!

THURSDAYS! Sounds by Nick Neesen $1 Fireballs, $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Premium Wells, $4 Bombs $100 Select Bottles

TUESDAY: $2 Wells Goldfish Racing

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!

Sounds by Nick Neesen $1 Fireballs, $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Premium Wells, $4 Bombs $100 Select Bottles

Punch Out with R&B Sides Live

Live Music!

2-4-1 Wells

Thursday 4/10

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Ladies Night!

5pm - 2:30pm No Cover for Ladies

Live Music! $4 Fireball

$4 Bombs

Friday 4/11

$6 Pitchers until 6pm

Come party at Trust!

Come Party at Two Keys!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Saturday 4/12

Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)

Closed

$1 Shit Cans

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Sunday 4/13

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers

Closed

$1 Wells

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Monday 4/14

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

Closed

$2 Wells Goldfish Racing

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Tuesday 4/15

Happy Hour 2-7pm $6 Pitchers, $5 Quesadillas at 7pm

Closed

Happy Hour All Day

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

Wednesday 4/16

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:

THE ORWELLS BRENDAN BONHAM WROTE THIS

E, G U H ET G ’T N O D LS EL W R O E H IF T WE’LL EAT OUR METAPHORICAL HAT. IR UPCOMING U.S .

GIVE US THE TIME OF DAY ABOUT THE TO G LIN WIL S WA MO CUO RIO MA E. FRONTMAN OUT, AND A LEGENDARY TV APPEARANC TOUR, HIS INSPIRATIONS , DROPPING TBS: You guys are from Elmhurst, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. How did growing up in that environment influence your music?

Cuomo: There really wasn’t shit to do besides play football or skate a bunch. Other than that, there wasn’t jack shit to do, so we just started having a fucking band practice every Friday for a few years.

TBS: When did you know you could actually do this?

Cuomo: Probably, like, my senior year of high school.

TBS: Did it ever cross your mind to do college or anything?

Cuomo: I wanted to do the band thing so much that I dropped out of high school so I could eliminate the chance of going to college.

TBS: It’s you, your cousin and a pair of brothers in The Orwells. Do you think this family angle changes how you guys interact with one another from a band perspective?

Cuomo: I don’t think it makes a difference. We’re close in different ways, but it’d be the same if we weren’t related.

TBS: How does the creative process work?

Cuomo: Our guitarist will come up with a fucking sweet riff or a demo or something. Then he’ll show it to all of us. We’ll play it through a couple of times. If it sounds good enough I’ll write lyrics for it right there.

TBS: Is your lyrically dark imagery something you’re going for?

Cuomo: Some of that stuff was written at a time when I wasn’t really having it—I didn’t know if the fucking band thing would work out or if I was fucked and I’d have to go get a shitty job because I don’t have qualifications for anything. I didn’t know if I was going to be kicked out and shit.

I wasn’t in the best mood, in general. But, I like dark shit.

TBS: Your live shows are legendary. How do you get ready for something like that?

Cuomo: I have a couple of drinks.

TBS: How do you know if you’re having a good live show?

Cuomo: I go apeshit every time. If I go apeshit every time my head hurts and I’m sweaty as a motherfucker. I’m really exhausted. That’s how I know I did my part—if I’m fucking beat after.

TBS: Your Late Show with David Letterman performance was out of control. Is that pretty indicative of what a live show is like?

Cuomo: That could very well be exactly what you see during a set at a venue.

TBS: Letterman loved the performance. What is it like

to connect with someone musically, someone who is in their late 60s or early 70s?

Cuomo: It’s really cool. It’s nice to know anyone can enjoy our music—it doesn’t have to be some fuckin’ teenager or guy in his early 20s. It can be anyone. It’s a lot cooler than bands who only reach a certain demographic.

TBS: You’re playing Chicago on your American leg of the tour. Does coming home mean anything special to you?

Cuomo: It’s just another show.

TBS: What about Lollapalooza in 2013?

Cuomo: That was a milestone thing. It was a real big deal to us.

TBS: How did you react to finding out you want to play Lolla?

Cuomo: It was pretty sweet, but a little different. We got a booking agent and the first question he asked us was, “Do you want to play Lollapalooza.” The next year we were. It was so cool. I was looking forward to it the whole year, and it kept me super-positive. If something shitty happened, it’s just, “We’re playing Lollapalooza.”

TBS: What else do you look at as career milestones?

Cuomo: Opening for The Black Lips on New Year’s a year ago.

TBS: Are they a big influence on you guys?

Cuomo: Yeah, huge.

TBS: Do you take anything away from someone like that when you watch them play live?

Cuomo: Um, it’s an honor, but it’s one of the first bands we saw in Logan Square Auditorium. It was the craziest fucking thing. Until then I thought it was the cool thing to— like, bands who look like they don’t give a shit, they play their set without moving too much—I saw The Black Lips and they were using their guitars as baseball bats to hit beers into the crowd. It was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen. I thought, “I’d rather be like these dudes.”

TBS: Who else inspires you?

Cuomo: In high school probably the biggest influence to me was Tyler the Creator.

TBS: Really?

Cuomo: Yeah, I listened to them all of the time—I was like, “Fuck school, I wanna tour and have crazy-ass shows like these guys.” When I saw Odd Future they had one of those shows where they were just going off, it was one of those badass shows. He just owns shit, and I was like, “I want to be like that.” I look up to him so much. He’s proof. If he did it, then it’s doable.

TBS: What does it mean to you to be successful?

Cuomo: When a bunch of people love you and a bunch of people hate the shit out of you.

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Why do you think people like Fireball so much?: Because it’s really good and easy to make.

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OF THE WEEK Jeri of Campus Pub

What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: Vegetarian lasagna.

Any message you’d like to send to your worst enemy?: I don’t have any enemies.

What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Vodka and bad decisions.

What’s the grossest thing you’d stick your hand in a box of?: Puppies.

How would society be different if pants had never been invented?: There’d probably be a lot more babies.

Be cool man, it’s just weed. Right?: Mmhmm Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it tells you all the cool bars to go to! And it’s funny!

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