Kentucky - Issue 10 - 11/13/2014

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

F wee ree! Li ken ke yo d be ur cau sche se y dule ou’r th e so is coo l.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 10

STUDENT INDIFFERENCE PROVOKES ADVISORS TO STRIKE Erica Ryder wrote this LEXINGTON—Rumors of a strike have been buzzing around the empty offices of advisors everywhere on campus since the opening of the priority registration window, sources reported earlier this month.

my office during busy season don’t even listen to me. It’s really taken a toll on my sense of self-importance and purpose here on earth. If this strike doesn’t work out, I may need to start volunteering,” Zotan added.

The strike, in which college advisors threaten to cease all advising appointments beginning next semester, is likely to affect no one. Nor will the University of Kentucky's campus see any adverse effects, as students will quickly adjust to an automatic lift on all advisor holds.

“I went to my first appointment freshman year thinking my advisor knew what he was talking about,” sophomore Sophia Blitter told us. “I ended up taking three global dynamics classes and MA 111.

What a joke! Now, I just figure out which classes I want to take, and email my advisor to get my hold lifted.” Students are beginning to figure out, as early as right after their very first advising appointment, that all the information they come to advisors for is readily available with one quick Google search of their major's requirements.

"Yeah a strike would be pretty sweet," stated agriculture major, Hunter Farmington. Suddenly becoming disheartened and upset, Hunter spoke of the grueling and unwieldy nature of advising appointments. "I had to schedule my last appointment at 12, so I didn't make it to Subway until the height of the 12:30 sub rush. Man, I was hungrier than a porcupine three feet up a bull's ass."

Whispers of a strike began to brew as advisors noticed a theme to their appointments. "Every student already knew exactly which classes they were going to take. It’s like they had already planned out their courses… on their own!" sobbed communications advisor Greg Zotan. With new technology like the APEX degree planner and basic common sense, students are now able to plan their own courses without the half-baked guidance of an advisor.

“Now the one or two students I get in

“We, as a people, must come together to prevent this strike before it starts!” advisor Patricia Fickleburn declared at the Academic Advisor Rally, held in elevator four of POT. “The thought of this prestigious university being deprived of one of its greatest sources of subjective wisdom really puts a frog in my fanny.”

The petition created at AAR gained an amazing 12 non-advisor signatures.

“They held the ‘close-door’ button until I agreed to sign the damn thing,” innocent bystander and first non-advisor petition signer, Bambi McLimbo, told sources.

“They did that to everyone who got into the elevator until word got out to take the stairs.”

PAGE 5

Many remain unclear of the proposed petition’s intent, as it featured an unnecessary amount of pleasantries as well as many unrelated personal anecdotes.

However a few seniors familiar with the ways of academic advisors were able to pinpoint a few demands. These demands included adding another mandatory ad-

vising appointment as well as “Maybe a Christmas party or something to give us something to look forward to.”

“The repercussions of this strike could be dire. We’d have to go find Cindy, and have her update the website and delete the information regarding advising ap-

pointments, not to mention the costs of reprinting all the brochures. We will know more after negotiations with the Advising Scholars Squad next month, but I’ll probably just talk them all out of it,” President Capiluto stated at the major press release last Friday. “And thank you both for coming.”

PAGE 7

PAGES 12-13

UK PSA: IT’S CUFFING SEASON

IT’S TIME TO GO HOME

WE HAVE TO START TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS, AND NO ONE IS SAFE.

STOP DREADING IT, YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DECENT MEAL IN MONTHS.

TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.

FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP NOVEMBER 13th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson Luke Troxell, Erica Ryder

OWNER Atish Doshi

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Who wants to pet my new puppy?”

THE THREE-EYED TURTLE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

TURGIDDY To be so happy as to become sexually aroused.

Moments after jumping with joy after receiving a job offer Jon was so turgiddy he had to sit down and avoid his roommate’s hug to hide his boner.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Attended Bettendorf High School in Bettendorf, Iowa.

2

Was once a competitive bike racer.

3

Owns Antique Archaeology.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

ART STUDENT DRAWS HERSELF ON Black Sheep Staff wrote this

DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALCOHOL

First was whiskey. And who starts off a party better than Jack Daniel’s? Gates decided to start with what she considers “the coolest alcohol ever!”

“Okay. Drinking PBR just really made me feel connected to the working man. I felt like I could be a coal miner who works 9-to-5 and comes home to his family and a cold can of PBR and some talk radio and tells his kids to ‘shut up, Car Talk is on.’

Then it was time for red wine. Lots of red wine.

Gates decided she needed something a little edgy after drinking beer, so the only logical next step was to drink copious amounts of absinthe.

“So, it started out a little bit rough because I think I accidentally drew Jared Leto.”

Gates then decided to make a self-portrait while drinking Fireball, since it had just been recalled and just like unlimited spaghetti at Olive Garden, she wanted to make sure she got as much as she could until it was gone for good.

“I’m Carrie from Sex and the City! Also, I wasn’t hugged a lot as a child. Wine makes me love fashion and emotions.”

“I know it doesn’t look like much, but if you put on 3D glasses you’ll be able to see me. Or just drink absinthe and you’ll be able to see me on a snake wearing a sombrero.”

Captain Morgan white rum was up next.

“Okay, so yeah, that’s me as Satan. I was just so mad that Fireball was being recalled that I felt the wrath of hell all around me, you know? Or maybe that was just the cinnamon. It’s hard to tell. Maybe that’s why I get really angry when eating at Cinnabon.”

Scotch. Scotch scotch scotch.

Next, Gates was low on cash because she spent all of her savings on a DJ set she found on eBay, so she drank as some PBR because cheap beer is still beer.

“Soooo… yeah. Um… I was about to draw a portrait but I threw up on the paper, sorry. It’s abstract though, many people have even told me that it looks like a Pokémon.”

Though abstract vomit is a tough act to follow, Gates and Jose Cuervo were up to the challenge.

“Okay. It’s uh… it’s me… as uh… as a penis. Do mini sombreros count as condoms these days?”

“What? I drew that.”

Gates said this artistic experience made her see the world more clearly. She’s currently looking for her work to be featured in an art museum, but for now, she’s more than thrilled to have it pictured in the pages of The Black Sheep.

When asked what’s next for her career, Gates said she’s going to continue on her artistic route by “getting suuuper wasted this weekend and going to The University of Kentucky Art Museum.”

'TIS THE SEASON

THE TOP TEN

Things to Be Thankful for at UK As college students, we’re grateful for a lot of things—from skunked beer to cold pizza—that most would find absurd. Here is a list of what The Black Sheep thinks we should be most grateful for here at UK. 10.) Cheap Beer: Your GPA is higher than the amount of money in your bank account. But don’t panic about having a good time. Natty Light, Keystone Light, and PBR will always be here for us Wildcats. And for that, we are grateful.

9.) Spare Change: Finding a couple quarters in your pants from last night is the equivalent to finding gold in California in 1849. If you’re one of those extreme hoarders, you save that shit up for months on end. If you’re like us here at The Black Sheep, you prefer spending it on drunken adventures to Taco Bell at 3 a.m. It’s like how the old saying goes, a penny found is a Cheesy Gordita Crunch when you’re plastered.

UK Public Service Announcement:

8.) Cats Cab: Sometimes it seems like everyone on this campus is drunk, and unable to drive. No worries though, Cats Cab will give you a ride anywhere on campus fo’ free! Now if we can just cut down that two-hour wait…

IT’S CUFFING SEASON Rebecca Anderson wrote this

The past few months in America, as you Wildcats know, have been riddled with news of the congressional elections and this epidemic called like, “ebola crisis,” or something.

However, The Black Sheep has uncovered a much more serious health crisis that’s plaguing campuses across the country, including our own here in the Big Blue Nation: feelings.

Cuffing season is officially upon us ladies and gentlemen, and no one is safe.

Unfortunately this time of year as weather gets colder, hearts get warmer, and leg hair gets longer. Thoughts of romance grow due to the increased indoor activity and shortened days, and those who normally much would rather be single become lonely and long to be “cuffed,” or tied down in a serious relationship.

This condition is highly contagious, and those affected don’t know that their independence has been compromised until it’s already too late. However, the symptoms are easy recognized and everyone can do their part to prevent further spreading of this disease, or treat their loved ones who have fallen ill.

Individuals who have caught feelings experience a variety of internal and external symptoms that can be pinpointed by specific actions. The earliest symptoms include tracking down someone’s phone number, the act of smiling at one’s phone while reading or replying to a text message, and somehow ending up with the same person at the end of every weekend night.

Gradually the intensity of the disease heightens, and what were once subtle hints that

a friend has caught feelings, become fullblown red flags. Disappearing to spend quality time with some girl that the roommates have never met, Chipotle dates, and cuddling hit an all-time high until the final stages hit and you realize that this bitch has her own drawer in your pledge brother’s room and he has Herbal Essences shampoo in his shower.

These symptoms are tragic, but much can be done to make sure you and your loved ones are protected. Take the necessary precautions required, and you’ll still be raging the bars while most of your friends pair up and host Netflix dates. Certain situations, such as date parties, fraternity formals, and being best friends with an individual of the opposite sex are breeding grounds for feelings.

When it comes to date parties, steer clear of old hookups and past flames. Fires are meant to be put out and you don’t want to rekindle.

When hanging out with friends of the opposite sex, no one-on-one movie watching or under the covers blanket sharing, or you’ll be wondering two months from now why you have a girlfriend and how the hell she clawed her way out of the friend zone.

Just because it’s winter, doesn’t mean it’s time to settle down and act forty. The Black Sheep knows no one wants to be cold and alone this winter season, but there’s no need to put yourself at risk of becoming a bitchass—there’s a reason they make heated blankets and boyfriend pillows. So, go grab a twelve-pack, a Z-Pak, and some Plan B, and get yourself back in the weekend game. The number one killer of people in Africa may be Ebola, but the number one killer of fun in America is feelings.

7.) Willy T.: Even though none of us have ever met Willy T. or even know who he is or what he did, we feel like we have a special friendship with him. Willy T. is always there for you anytime you need to procrastinate, take an emergency poo, or ride out that Adderall.

6.) Basketball Season: These masochistic embarrassments we call “football games” on Saturday are getting old. It’s a good thing basketball season is here, and we will forever be thankful to Coach Cal and the money-magnet he’s created for this fine university.

5.) Yoga Pants: It’s that time of year, and every male on campus is grateful. Behold the beautiful southern belle-bottoms before the cold, unforgiving winds of winter send those sweet booties behind thicker curtains.

4.) Tolly Ho: It’s well known that drunken Tolly Ho is the best drunken meal on this side of the Mississippi. Keep doing your thing, Tolly Ho, and we’ll keep ordering cheesy scrambled eggs at 2 a.m. after a long night on State Street.

3.) Easy Professors: Those professors who give extra days to complete assignments and cancel class on rainy Mondays are truly a blessing to academic enhancement. For your understanding of the adolescent (but maturing!) mind, we will forever be grateful to you.

2.) Sorostitutes and Frat Stars: After a long and stressful school week, a random weekend hook up can be on point. Luckily, we have sorority sistas and more-than-willing frat boys lurking all around campus at all times. You won’t need to be up all night to get lucky thanks to these upstanding citizens.

1.) Winter Break: It’s the point in the semester where we’re all worn-out from partying every weekend, cramming for exams, and pulling all-nighters to finish that last minute homework. The last thing on our minds is more weeks on end of school without a break. It’s safe to say, campus-wide, we are grateful winter break is coming fast.

Lucas Troxell wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What is one change UK could make that you’d be thankful of this Thanksgiving?

GREG, SOPHOMORE “Bitches and dragons.”

ALLEN, JUNIOR “Do my Black Friday shopping for me after Thanksgiving.”

DYMOND, FRESHMAN “More classes featuring the studies of the mighty Cthulhu.”

06

TREAT YOURSELF

Black Sheep Staff wrote this

Congratulations, you’ve almost made it to second semester. You’ve been in Lexington for about four months now, and you’ve already had your fair share of memorable moments. You’ve tackled K Week, battled drunk alumni on Homecoming, and somehow survived Halloween. The weather is getting a little (scratch that, a lot) colder, and people are settling into the “I’ve made it past this shit, now I just want to relax” time of the year. If anything, now is the best time to do that thing you’ve been dreading for the past couple months. It’s time to come home, Lassie—here’s a couple reasons why.

You Haven’t Done Laundry in Months: Laundry is easy when you’re in the dorms, but it’s a challenge once you’re in the real world. Finding quarters is suddenly as hard as finding an honest man, and you’d do anything to have four dollars’ worth of them every two weeks. Once you run out of Tide Pods, you know you need to go back to the homestead.

You’re cramming about fourteen days of clothing into one load, and yes, people have started noticing that you wear the same shirt every Tuesday. No offense to your apartment complex, but it’s laundry room just doesn’t get the job done. Don’t compare the job your quarter-run machines do to the thousand-dollar washer/dryer combo your parents have. You’re lying to yourself.

You’re Living off of Boxed Pasta and Leftover Fast Food: There is nothing wrong with pasta. Pasta is a gift from the gods. However, once it starts being the only thing that you eat on top of a weekend regimen of pizza and Jimmy John’s, you need to reevaluate your life. You can only be a connoisseur of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu for a couple days before you hit Super Size Me status, and the only reason you’re about to kill your roommates is because you haven’t had protein in about three weeks. Grilled chicken gets really boring, and you don’t have the energy to make anything else. Go home and get some real food in your stomach. You know that ramen is only carbs, right?

You Miss Your Dogs: Man’s best friend is waiting for you. Imagine poor little Skipper sitting next to the front door, wondering when you’re coming home. You haven’t seen your puppy since you left for college, and he’s not getting any younger. He’s also getting fat because you’re not walking him, and let’s face it—your younger siblings aren’t either. A night spent with your dog is equivalent to a good night going out. You know it’s true.

Admit it, it’s time to go home. Your parents miss you, you haven’t seen your pets since ‘Nam, and you could really go for a meal that doesn’t consist of something canned. It’s time to do something about that mountain of laundry sitting in the corner of your room, and you should probably wash your sheets too. In fact, we can almost guarantee your standard of living will drastically improve if you make your way back to your hometown.

WE WANT YOU!

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PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

It’s Time to Go Home

Your Mom Keeps Calling You: Her phone calls started off innocent. She would call you to see how you were doing in class, how your friends were managing, and if you’d decided to take things to the next level with that one guy you’d always visit over the summer.

Suddenly, her phone calls escalated to “Where are you?” and “Are you drunk?” messages.

Momma’s getting a little worried considering you haven’t been home since Labor Day. Are you only eating mac and cheese? Have you paid your rent lately? Why does your bank account only have one zero in it? Save your mother the heart attack and go home.

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

THE BAR GRID SUNDAY! $10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Live Music!

2-4-1 Wells

Fireball Friday $1 off fireball shots!

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$4 Bombs

Saturday

Kitchen open until 2am $4 Jack Honey

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry.

DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday

Happy Hour Pre-Game with The Black Sheep

CAMPUS PUB • FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14th • 4pm - 7pm @UKBlackSheep

UK VS. GRAND CANYON AT 8PM • $2 DRINKS, CONTESTS AND FREE SWAG!

THE BAR GRID

Fireball Friday Fireball Freebies DJ Rain

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball LIVE MUSIC or a DJ spinning on the 1’s and 2’s...Check our Facebook page!!

Follow Us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

Punchout DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm!

Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday Fireball Freebies DJ Rain

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

UK @ Tennessee $12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs DJ Reknown, No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday!

Well drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing - we supply the fish, you race them in our custom track! $2 Well Drinks and Pints, DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

Thursday

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

Student’s Brain Breaks after Being Asked

“Can I Borrow a Pencil?”

Staff wrote this

Jennifer Anderson’s brain reportedly broke last week after being asked if she had an extra pencil for the 7th time in a single week. Sophomore Kevin Davis was the straw that broke the Anderson’s brain, asking her if he could borrow a pencil for the second day in a row to fill out a Scantron. After her episode, Anderson has been since reduced to a stuttering, shaking mess unable to function in society.

We were able to get Anderson to speak with us about the event, but it was very hard to understand her during her spastic outbursts. “Well, Jimmy COCKSUCKER asked to borrow a GODDAMN pencil last week for like, the fifth MILLIONTH time, and I just lost it,” Anderson stated. Unable to understand her in her weakened state, we were able to get ahold of one of her friends to relay the tale to us.

“What Jenny is saying is people, especially guys, always just assume they

can roll into class unprepared and expect people to cover for them,” Anderson’s friend, Kelsa O’Neill, said angrily. “And they always assume us girls have extra pencils. And we do, but just because we came ready to learn doesn’t mean that we want their grubby mitts all over them!”

Davis has brought Anderson flowers every day since in an attempt to make up for his actions. However he has received no response other than being told to “Get the hell out of here JACKASS!”

“We had a quiz ASSHOLE!,” Anderson yelped. “How can you not bring a pencil to a quiz?” Anderson then began to sob uncontrollably as O’Neill told us she needed some time to rest.

Anderson’s parents are very upset over their daughter’s condition, but they don’t solely blame Davis for their daughter’s woes. The Andersons believe that any student and asked their daughter for a pencil is to blame, and any student that has ever asked anyone for a pencil is part of the problem.

Kevin Davis, the student responsible for Anderson’s meltdown, cannot believe the results of his actions have ended in Anderson losing her mind. “Honestly, I had a pencil in my pocket, I was just looking for an excuse to talk to her,” Davis said sadly. “Now, I’ll never be able to talk to her without her yelling some expletive in my face. Crissake, I can’t even flirt with a girl without giving her a mental breakdown.”

“People always ask if they can have a cigarette when they see me smoking, and it makes me sick,” Mrs. Anderson said between drags of her Marlboro Reds. “If I was walking down the street eating a granola bar, would you stop me and ask if you could have one? No, you wouldn’t. So why is asking for a cigarette any different?” she questioned in her gravelly voice. We reminded Mrs. Anderson that this was about her

daughter’s broken brain and not her cigarette expendability, but she asserted that it was the same problem.

“Where do these kids get off asking if they can bum a pencil? Buy your own pack of pencils, you degenerates!”While it became clear where Jennifer’s mental instability came from, Mrs. Anderson continued complaining. “We can’t take Jenny out in public anymore, let alone church. It’s heartbreaking,” Anderson’s mother sighed as she took another puff.

“I mean, I can’t have my daughter yelling

out nasty things like ‘PENCIL THIEVING PRICK’ in the middle of a sermon. Can you imagine? We’d look like such heathens.”

While it’s unclear as to whether Anderson will recover from her mental breakdown, the situation serves as a stark reminder for those who ask others for pencils during class. Students must remember that what may seem like an innocent request from a forgetful peer can sometimes be the final straw on another student’s overtaxed mind.

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Happily taken • Favorite Drink: Old fashioned Favorite Shot: Green tea shot with Jameson Disgusting Drink: Tequila and ginger ale What alcohol would be best to spike gravy with?: Bourbon, because they both taste delicious.

Which Thanksgiving staple needs to be replaced, and with what?: Squash, replaced with ribs.

What do you most like to gobble?: Nothing. Gobble is a verb I do not use.

Three words to describe UK’s basketball season: Cats By 90.

What’s your favorite rumor about UK that you’ve heard?: Rick Pitino drinks wine coolers.

What fictional character do you most wish was real?: Harry Potter, so we could get wasted on Butterbeer.

ADAM of TIN ROOF

THE DRINKING GAME

PASSING YOUR PAPER It’s about that time of the year when you’ll have to write a paper or two for every class (seriously, go check your syllabus, you idiot). The Black Sheep understands you probably haven’t been to class since...ever, so it’s time to start seriously thinking about how you’re going to get through this paper with absolutely no preparation.

What You’ll Need: A bottle of whisky, your laptop, the creativity of a crying, lower-class three year old in a box.

Number of Players: Just one. You can’t really cheat if you’re making everything up on the fly.

Level of Intoxication: Ph.D-level (enough to think you’ve become Einstein) How to Play: – About 3 hours before your paper is due, begin freaking out.

– About 2 and ½ hours before your paper is due and after 6 shots of whisky, begin calming down (“I got this!”).

– Find out what subject your paper is on (ECON 103) – Realize that if you say enough business jargon in each sentence, it will seem coherent to anyone who has seen a movie scene taking place in New York.

– “The stock capital of the market gains is always bound by the corporate venture.” (PERFECT) – About 2 hours before your paper is due, submit it online (Great job, you’re early!)

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning and realize you only wrote half a page of misspelled Wall St. lingo and that your paper was on the history of the American Civil War.

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Would you like a lawyer, or may we continue?: We can continue.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: So they can see me, the Bartender of the Week.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

MOSTLY-DONE SEMESTER MOSTACHOLI AY, VENI-VICI! It’s almost over, ya’ meatball. That means it’s time to make some mostacholi and FUGGEDABOUTIT! But seriously, this is some serious brain food that will help you pass your upcoming exams. Or at least make you happy about one thing in your life.

What You’ll Need: Some damn pasta, ya’ pepperoni head! Get some sauce too!

Fatty Factor: Uncle Jupiter’s stomach’s gonna’ damn near explode.

Let’s Get Baked: – Pop on your best Chef Boyardee hat and get your ass in the kitchen.

– Find some pasta (any pasta will do, we’re not real Italians over here).

– Pour your pasta in a pot of boiling water and cook it for...uhh, I dunno’...tree’ minutes.

– Pack some sauce on that mound’a pasta and get mixin’.

– Pour it all in a bowl and put one of those leaves on top – that’s how the real Italians do it.

DOE’! Wasn’t ‘dat easy? Quick, clean, tasty, efficient, BOOM! Next time you’re freaking out about a little test, take it down a notch and get yourself some pastacholi.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Despite Tight Firm Mobility and Falling Stock Prices,

Terrible Boyfriend Negotiates Three-Way sed many, freshman ri rp su at th e ov m In a is girlfriend, h d ce in v n co r le al Zach W iest ge in one of the risk ga en to e, n o h R e Maggi iend market. fr rl gi e th in ts en investm

Mooney wrote this l u a P

Last weekend when Maggie visited Zach, the two of them had a three-way with Zach’s friend. Both are freshmen who graduated from high school in June. Maggie stayed in New Jersey to be a nursing student at Rutgers and Zach went to Temple as undeclared.

This comes as one of the fiscal quarter’s greatest surprises, as Zach’s share price went down ten points since going away to college. “He hasn’t branched out, he’s not living up to his academic potential, and he hasn’t joined a single club,” said Deborah Jennings, an analyst for Standard & Poor’s who specializes in the girlfriend sector. “He has tits now. His stock just isn’t what it used to be.”

On the other side, Maggie’s share value has greatly appreciated in the two months she’s been away. “Maggie has been flourishing at school,” said Anita Gomez, a finance graduate student at Rutgers who’s been tracking the girlfriend exports at her university. “She’s really putting herself out there, and her friends at school are so much cooler than her home friends. She’s joined the feminism club, she writes poetry, and she’s doing that thing with her hair now that she didn’t feel comfortable doing back home. Investors love that thing she does with her hair now.”

Besides the disparity of the firms’ growth, the sheer risk of the investment made it so unlikely. Statistically, threeways are the second least successful investments to ask of a business partner, after pee. Moreover, Zach is in no way able to bargain. Over the summer and the first few months of school, Zach has incurred a staggering amount of emotional debt. “Zach doesn’t know any of Maggie’s friends’ names, or even the type of people she hangs out with. The past three times he called her he was drunk. Plus, all of his sectors have seen a decrease in performance,” Gomez added.

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors. Negative growth was even seen in the Sex sector, which was typically his strongest, seeing the lowest quarter of orgasms since he expanded operations to the clitoris.

Moreover, the context of the proposal for the three-way was a blundered operation. It was proposed in his dorm room, without prior consultation, with Catherine Harty, the girl who put the “three” in the three-way. Maggie hadn’t even met Catherine before; Catherine, on the other hand, had already agreed to it. This happened after a long presentation about fidelity Maggie gave a month ago, via PowerPoint at a quarterly negotiation.

“Many construed economic concepts are at play here,” said Rutgers economics professor Kevin Hudson, “Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.” Truthfully, Zach’s emotional investment averages twenty points less return than the standard boy who flirts with Maggie on a daily basis. “Moreover, she isn’t specializing her assets. Maggie would work best in a merger that lets her be who she’s meant to be, and not drag her down. Zach, who is developing into the Disappointing Loser industry, isn’t letting her reach that potential.”

Another misconception Maggie has is the fixed cost of a breakup with Zach. Though the cost would be high, even while remaining single she would generate emotional profit over a two-year period. Additionally, Maggie’s huge appreciation as a stock presents a bright landscape for future investment. “That girl’s killin’ it,” said Dr. Hudson.

What Maggie also isn’t considering is the surprising growth she’s shown, despite a struggling girlfriend market that still hasn’t fully recovered from the mortgage crisis of 2008, in which romantic loans were made that couldn’t be paid off. “Essentially, investors would say ‘I love you’ before such a statement could be reinforced, and these debts piled up,” said Jennings. The whole market kept building

like a house of cards until it all collapsed with a series of break-ups from relationships that just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “Maggie’s still shown significant growth despite the financial climate. So yeah, she’s killin’ it.”

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors.

Unknown to Maggie, the elasticity of her supply has greatly decreased. “Maggie thinks that she can’t ask for a better boyfriend at her emotional price, but that’s simply not true,” Jennings said. “She also deeply misunderstands the girlfriend market structure. She acts like it’s a monopoly, where Zach is the only provider and he can set whatever price because there’s no other providers; in reality, it’s like monopolistic competition, where every firm offers their own product and has total control of that product. However, none of these firms have any large market control.

As the economist Beyoncé wrote in her seminal paper, ‘I could have another you in a minute.’ ” The lengthy history between the two firms serves some explanation for the current situation. Maggie opened for trade with a fairly low IPO in 2012. Zach, one of the most popular firms at Union High School, offered to buy the firm outright, but negotiations fell through. After the school year was over, Zach’s rising stock and alcohol finally caused initial business relations. Over the summer, the two went from a thing, to not being official, to no one really knows what they are, to pretty much a real thing but not really, to pretty much a thing but only sort of, until an official merger plan was set in place and the two became Facebook official.

Through junior year, Zach maintained his high stock price and built healthy customer relations with his effective partnership skills. Maggie’s social price also rose, due to going out with Zach to parties more, as well as her boobs finally growing in at the age of sixteen. “Boobs are important to high school investors,” Gomez added. Senior year saw few changes, though Zach’s senioritis and growing affinity for sweatpants took a small drain on his stock price.

With unforeseen growth prospects, Maggie agreed to a long-term trade agreement of Skype calls and a Snapchat best friendship. “I’ve been following the market recently, and I can honestly say that I’m shocked at the current disparity of the firms,” said Delaware finance student Michael Doyle, Zach’s sexiled roommate.

Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.

Though the long-term agreement exists, there are likely prospects for the merger to split in the near future. “The three-way was a terrible idea,” said Dr. Hudson. “I mean, it worked, so maybe it was a great idea, but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

“Maybe this is what Maggie needs to start looking for new employers,” said Gomez. “Currently, she has a standing offer from sophomore Marcus Jackson.” A “standing offer” is a financial term for fleeting moments of eye contact and text messages with at least a 30% increase in emojis.

“Besides being at her school, he has a significantly higher stock value. His personality ratio is much higher than Zach’s, as well as pretty much every other aspect of his firm.”

“Economically, he’s a much more efficient investment,” said Jennings. Aside from an overall greater responsiveness to hints and listening skills, Marcus could be the specialized industry Maggie could benefit from moving to. Discussions about Bob’s Burgers with Marcus have yielded twice as much laughter as those with Zach, mainly because he never watched it. Marcus’ comments about Maggie’s one crooked tooth made her blush 44% more than Zach’s compliments; an even higher disparity is seen when comparing Zach’s comments on the same tooth, most of which involved the phrase “scratchy head.”

When pressed for comment, results were overwhelmingly positive. Maggie avoided eye contact and said “I don’t know,” while smiling, commonly considered among investors as the clearest confirmation possible in finance today.

“The three-way was a terrible idea. I mean, it worked... but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

Let's PLay

The Simpsons seek-n-find

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the GETTING DUMPED LIKE A PRO madlib This past weekend, I got dumped. I should have seen it coming, but since I’m usually drinking ___1___ through ___2___, I guess everything was a little fuzzy. The writing was on the wall, but it still hit me like a ton of ___3___ . However, like a strong woman once sang, I will survive.

We fell in love - or something like that - during welcome week. I saw ___4___ sitting in his dorm room, with the light of ___5___ on his laptop illuminating his gorgeous face. He was about to shotgun a beer - a ___6___ , my favorite, and I was already smitten. My roommate’s ___7___ ’s cousin from ___8___ suggested we walk in and ask for a chaser for our ___9___ vodka. He said they only had ___10___ , and that’s totes my fave. I shrieked with the excitement of our instant connection, and they invited us in to take shots until we couldn’t stand anymore. I was drunk… and in love.

But a few weeks later, in retrospect, is when things started to go downhill. First, he didn’t invite me to dinner in ___11___ on Wednesday - our day - and it was ___12___ night, and he knew I waited all week for that. He also told me that he had to study for ___13___ with ___14___ which totally bummed me out. Later, when I was creeping by his closed door for the 10th time that evening, I heard some annoying girl-laugh and fell into a depression. After much over-analyzing with ___15___ and sipping on ___16___ , we knew what we had to do; we had to Catfish him. But before I could even make a fake Gmail account, I had already passed out.

So this past Saturday I did what any normal, insane girl would do; drunkenly freak out on ___17___. He said we had to stop seeing each other when I started going on and on about how his ___18___ eyes wouldn’t match the ___19___ I’d have in my wedding, anyway, plus he’s allergic to cats and I was definitely going to have a ___20___ named ___21___.

He said I was “more psycho than ___22___” and left me in the street to go to ___23___. I followed him in there, only to fill a cup with ___24___ and pour it on his head in front of everyone. I felt amazing getting escorted out by the manager, like ___25___ riding a jet-ski in ___26___ and I realized that I would be okay. I would survive, and I will survive.

CLUE BANK 1) Week day 2) Weekend day 3) Building supply 4) Crush's name 5) Social Media site 6) Shitty Beer 7) Relative 8) Nearby town 9) Flavor 10) Type of soda 11) Dorm with a great cafeteria 12) Favorite meal 13) School subject 14) Girl you hate 15) Your high school best friend 16) Type of liquor 17) Main road in town 18) Color 19) Flower 20) Type of cat 21) Awesome cat name 22) Crazy celebrity 23) Late-night food place 24) Soda from #10 25) Badass celebrity 26) Body of water

es! eer, and Low Pric B e m o Awes asty Wine, T

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