Illinois State - Issue 7 - 11/13/2014

The Black Sheep

F wee ree! Li ken ke yo d be ur cau sche se y dule ou’r th e so is coo l.

Volume 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 7

DISGRUNTLED TURKEY TERRORIZES TOWN OF NORMAL Jennifer Green wrote this In the days leading up to Thanksgiving break Watterson’s Dining Commons always has a special Thanksgiving-style dinner, complete with turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Students get to enjoy a preThanksgiving feast. However, The Black Sheep met a certain turkey who doesn’t feel as enthusiastically as everyone else does about the holiday.

“Now listen here, I may be a turkey, but I ain’t no jive turkey,” the enraged bird told us as he lit a cigarette. When asked his name, he took a long drag before muttering, “Butterball.” After a few moments of silence, one of our staff members couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore.

Four beak puncture marks, one trip to the hospital, and one less staff member later, we continued to interview Butterball.

“I escaped from a farm just a few years ago. Overheard what they were planning to do with us and decided to get the hell outta dodge. I tried to warn the others but they just thought I was crazy,” Butterball’s eyes glazed over as he took a long drag, “Now they’re all dead. They’re all dead and ol’ Butterball is left to pick up the pieces.”

After an uncomfortable amount of silence he continued. “Anyway, I wandered around and was passing through town, just walking along, when I happened to glance through the window of what I learned to be ISU’s dining center. My beak dropped, I just couldn’t believe my eyes. There was a line literally wrapped around the room and what were people waiting for? A turkey dinner. That was it. That’s when it happened. Right then and there I decided I was gonna change the way things work.”

Butterball lost his mind. Engulfed in his own rage, he burst through one of the Dining Commons windows and began to attack everyone he saw holding a plate full of turkey. Once he made his message clear, Butterball bounced.

“It was awful!” Alisha Crane said about the incident. “The dining center workers tried to control it but that was one angry turkey! I heard five kids even had to go to the ER! They said it was the worst case of turkeyrelated injuries they’ve seen since the turkey shortage of 1990. I just hope those poor students’ beak wounds heal soon.”

Butterball, now having satisfied his bloodlust, wandered around Uptown, taking in the sites and admiring the beautifully-lit trees. He was walking along when he noticed a sign painted on the window of Medici

PAGE 5 TOP 10: THINGS ABOUT ISU TO BE THANKFUL FOR LIKE CUTE, FURRY, ADORABLE SQUIRRELS!

that read: “Come in and gobble up some turkey!” Just like that, the rage returned. Almost instantly, Butterball burst through the doors and began the second part of his rampage.

was like something out of a turkey-based horror movie. Children were screaming, stuffing and bits of turkey were flying around, and I’m pretty sure more than one person’s eye was pecked out.”

The Black Sheep sat down with restaurant patron Jerry Salk who was present for the incident. “Stuffing…stuffing everywhere,” Salk whimpered as he wrapped a blanket tightly around himself. “I was sitting at the table with my family when all of a sudden this turkey just ran into the restaurant and before anyone could do anything, just started attacking anyone who was eating a turkey dinner. Thank god I’m a vegan!” He paused to take a bite of his tofurky before continuing, “It

Butterball was finally chased out by the managers after an hour or so. We caught up with him as he picked himself up and dusted off his feathers. “This ain’t the end of it. I won’t stop until my brethren are safe and warm in their own homes and not some human’s plate!”

And just like that, Butterball flew off into the night, leaving only the smell of his cigarettes and the hatred of Thanksgiving behind him.

PAGE 10

PAGES 12-13

IT’S TIME TO GO HOME

TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY

STOP DREADING IT, YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DECENT MEAL IN MONTHS.

DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_ISU NOVEMBER 13th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Who wants to pet my new puppy?”

THE THREE-EYED TURTLE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

TURGIDDY To be so happy as to become sexually aroused.

Moments after jumping with joy after receiving a job offer Jon was so turgiddy he had to sit down and avoid his roommate’s hug to hide his boner.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Attended Bettendorf High School in Bettendorf, Iowa.

2

Was once a competitive bike racer.

3

Owns Antique Archaeology.

# # #

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Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What fictional character would make the best lover?

SPENCER, SOPHOMORE “Johnny Bravo because he’s super flirtatious.”

ANNE, FRESHMAN

“Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights because he’s hot.”

CODY, SOPHOMORE

“SpongeBob because I feel like he would be very passionate.”

06

AROUND CAMPUS

THE TOP TEN

Things About ISU to Be Thankful For As you head home to be with your family this much-dreaded Thanksgiving break, remember that back at sweet, sweet Illinois State University there’s plenty to be happy about, like these ten things.

10.) Watterson Desserts: These scrumptious bastards are one of the main reasons to even come to ISU as far as we’re concerned. Whatever Keebler Elves Watterson’s Dining Commons has working back there are incredible and should be given a cash raise immediately. Or, whatever elves like.

9.) Campus Squirrels: They’re cute, furry, and are not the least bit afraid of anyone. They’re like the campus skank; they just wanna find some nuts.

THE SEARCH FOR

THE GREAT PUMPKIN Veronica Silverado wrote this This year, a ragtag group of Illinois State students found themselves at D.P. Dough the day before Thanksgiving. “I had already went through a half a bottle of lotion that week if you... know what I mean,” said 21-year-old Jason Lawler. “So I decided to give my right arm a break and go get some dinner.”

Lawler, along with other ISU students, Hannah Carlock, Justin Markert, Brent Nolan, and Olivia Powers, all began talking while sitting alone in the restaurant. After deeming themselves the “Thanksgiving Orphans” (since every legitimate group needs a cool name) they decided to have their own little Thanksgiving party together.

When the group arrived at Lawler’s apartment at The Flats, they were surprised by what they saw. “It was a huge poster of, well, basically the raunchiest turkey I had ever seen... I’m talking full-frontal, spread-eagle turkey. Shit was weird.” said Markert. Lawler explained that it must have been his roommate, Cale Vernon.

“Cale left this morning, but this is no surprise.

He never does what you expect him to.”

To Lawler’s surprise, Vernon attached an orange envelope to his beautiful artwork. Inside was a note simply reading: “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” “I immediately checked the jelly in the fridge. I opened it, and dug out a piece of paper. When I realized it was a scavenger hunt, I honestly got a half chub. I live for this kind of shit.”

The first clue read as such: “Here starts your journey in search of the Great Pumpkin... shit I suck at rhymes. Your next clue is at my favorite place to throw up.” “I immediately knew where to go,” recalled Lawler. The Orphans followed

Lawler to a house on Fell Avenue. “We used to party here all the time sophomore year, back when we couldn’t hold our liquor.” And there was the clue, waiting for them.

The hunt took them to all ends of campus.

Lawler was surprised by his seemingly-lazy roommate’s laborious efforts. “The whole thing was elaborate. I really didn’t see that one coming,” said 18-year-old Hannah Carlock of the whole event.

Nineteen clues later, the group came upon what they hoped would be the last clue. It was almost eleven, and most of the group’s main priority for the rest of the evening was to drink.

They were ready to find what they had come for. The clue read: “Your second to last clue can be found where Reggie goes to roost.” “Roost?

What the hell does that mean?” said Olivia Powers.

The group of five searched all over campus for twenty minutes before realizing they should check Horton Field House, where they found the clue with the Reggie the Redbird costume.

“That was cryptic,” Lawler commented while opening the last clue which read: “Pour up, save money.” That clue led them to Budget Liquors, where Cale Vernon works.

After a quick search around the store, they checked the back only to find every kind of pumpkin-flavored alcohol imaginable. The display also came complete with a pumpkin pie, some pumpkin seeds, and one last envelope. It read: “Happy Thanksgiving, bro. Hope you enjoyed this. It cost me $129, if you could loan me like, $50 bucks, that’d be super helpful. Love, Cale.”

8.) LARP-ers: Everyone’s seen these valiant warriors on the quad, battling it out for…well, for the fun of it, we think. All we know for sure is that on more than one occasion we’ve wanted to join them on the battlefield, but we thought better of it. We’re not nearly uh…cool enough. Yeah, that’s it.

7.) Unique Food: Try to imagine your college experience without thinking about Merry Ann’s or DP Dough. It would be a pitiful and we feel bad for anyone who isn’t a Redbird. Not bad enough to share any of our food, though.

6.) Elevators: Aside from occasionally making you fear for your life, the elevators have your back.

When you’re late to class and too lazy to drag your ass down whatever ridiculous amount of stairs you would have to otherwise, the elevator is there for you.

5.) Our Athletics: Recent loss aside, our Redbird football team is on FIRE, but that’s common knowledge. What a lot of people don’t know is that we’re currently kickin’ ass in all other athletics too. 11-0 volleyball team? Hell yeah. Combined record of 12-0 soccer team? Soar on Redbirds, soar on.

4.) Pub Wednesdays: This is a pre-Thirsty Thursday treat that only Illinois State students get to partake in and boy oh boy, do we ever! If you can think of anything better than getting wasted with your best friends and eating cheese balls you’re not a true Redbird.

3.) The Rec Center: Not only is this the best place to find some sexy young thangs, but it’s also actually a great place to work out, you know, if you’re in to that sort of thing. We have state-of-theart equipment, a track, a pool, and even a rock-climbing wall. Although the main attraction is still girls in yoga pants and statuesque men. Oh, and Jamba Juice.

2.) Milner: Not only is ISU’s library a great place to get shit done, but the tables with outlets built in to them are lifesavers. Another reason Milner is fan-flippin-tastic? PUPPIES. A few times a semester ISU’s Health and Wellness Program sponsors PAWS-itively Stress Free and bring dogs into the library for students to pet and play with to reduce stress levels.

1.) Our Academics: We’re the oldest public university in the state, but also one of the best. Did you know we are one of the top ten producers of teachers in the nation? Of course you did, you’re wicked smart.

Jennifer Green wrote this

PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

#JUSTICE

Student’s Brain Breaks after Being Asked

“Can I Borrow a Pencil?”

Staff wrote this

Jennifer Anderson’s brain reportedly broke last week after being asked if she had an extra pencil for the 7th time in a single week. Sophomore Kevin Davis was the straw that broke the Anderson’s brain, asking her if he could borrow a pencil for the second day in a row to fill out a Scantron. After her episode, Anderson has been since reduced to a stuttering, shaking mess unable to function in society.

We were able to get Anderson to speak with us about the event, but it was very hard to understand her during her spastic outbursts. “Well, Jimmy COCKSUCKER asked to borrow a GODDAMN pencil last week for like, the fifth MILLIONTH time, and I just lost it,” Anderson stated. Unable to understand her in her weakened state, we were able to get ahold of one of her friends to relay the tale to us.

“What Jenny is saying is people, especially guys, always just assume they

can roll into class unprepared and expect people to cover for them,” Anderson’s friend, Kelsa O’Neill, said angrily. “And they always assume us girls have extra pencils. And we do, but just because we came ready to learn doesn’t mean that we want their grubby mitts all over them!”

Davis has brought Anderson flowers every day since in an attempt to make up for his actions. However he has received no response other than being told to “Get the hell out of here JACKASS!”

“We had a quiz ASSHOLE!,” Anderson yelped. “How can you not bring a pencil to a quiz?” Anderson then began to sob uncontrollably as O’Neill told us she needed some time to rest.

Anderson’s parents are very upset over their daughter’s condition, but they don’t solely blame Davis for their daughter’s woes. The Andersons believe that any student and asked their daughter for a pencil is to blame, and any student that has ever asked anyone for a pencil is part of the problem.

Kevin Davis, the student responsible for Anderson’s meltdown, cannot believe the results of his actions have ended in Anderson losing her mind. “Honestly, I had a pencil in my pocket, I was just looking for an excuse to talk to her,” Davis said sadly. “Now, I’ll never be able to talk to her without her yelling some expletive in my face. Crissake, I can’t even flirt with a girl without giving her a mental breakdown.”

“People always ask if they can have a cigarette when they see me smoking, and it makes me sick,” Mrs. Anderson said between drags of her Marlboro Reds. “If I was walking down the street eating a granola bar, would you stop me and ask if you could have one? No, you wouldn’t. So why is asking for a cigarette any different?” she questioned in her gravelly voice. We reminded Mrs. Anderson that this was about her

daughter’s broken brain and not her cigarette expendability, but she asserted that it was the same problem.

“Where do these kids get off asking if they can bum a pencil? Buy your own pack of pencils, you degenerates!”While it became clear where Jennifer’s mental instability came from, Mrs. Anderson continued complaining. “We can’t take Jenny out in public anymore, let alone church. It’s heartbreaking,” Anderson’s mother sighed as she took another puff.

“I mean, I can’t have my daughter yelling

out nasty things like ‘PENCIL THIEVING PRICK’ in the middle of a sermon. Can you imagine? We’d look like such heathens.”

While it’s unclear as to whether Anderson will recover from her mental breakdown, the situation serves as a stark reminder for those who ask others for pencils during class. Students must remember that what may seem like an innocent request from a forgetful peer can sometimes be the final straw on another student’s overtaxed mind.

Students Remember Pumpkin Pie

Staff wrote this

Scoop Chang Wrote This

Residents in The Flats told reporters Thursday that the seemingly run-of-the-mill bathroom carpet in their apartment is really a tangled conglomerate of hair. Sources who have experienced the gnarled jumble firsthand swear that the consistency and color are identical to a traditional carpet.

Gone are the days of “grandma’s pumpkin pie” scented candles, pumpkin pie-flavored Pop-Tarts, and pumpkin pie ice cream. It’s been a while since anyone ate any sort of fall treat that wasn’t pumpkin spice-flavored. The Black Sheep asked students what they thought about this fall of titans, this dawning of a new age of pumpkin and they told us the following: Jimmy Kilesonbit, freshman crop and soil sciences major: “I don’t think I’ve ever had that stuff. You said ‘pumpkin pie?’ I’ve had pecan pie and pumpkin spice whipped cream pie, but… You made that up, right? Have you seen a pumpkin? You can’t make pie out of that.

You’re crazy, bro.”

Alyssa Monsong, sophomore accounting major: “my grandma told me about them. She used to make pumpkin pie every year for Thanksgiving before I was born. I guess you can’t buy the stuff to make it anymore. Whatever, it sounds gross anyway. Why would you want to put pumpkin in your mouth if it wasn’t spiced? Pumpkins were made to become pumpkin spice. Literally.”

BATHROOM CARPET REALLY JUST GIANT HAIRBALL Leslie Knott, a resident of the apartment, claims that the hair nest was unintentional. “We don’t clean that much,” she said. “We’re not like dirty people, so we don’t really need to clean. But we do brush our hair, and sometimes it fell on the floor and then there was this hair carpet. And at that point, it was like, ‘well now we don’t have to buy one.’”

Chet Camoup, senior biology major: “pumpkin pie isn’t extinct… you can buy it anywhere, like, everywhere. Especially on Thanksgiving, it’s a staple of Thanksgiving. Did you think that because pumpkin spice became popular that pumpkin pies would cease to exist? That idea is completely idiotic… like after vanilla scented candles became popular, did vanilla ice cream disappear? No. That’s fucking stupid.

You’re stupid.”

Yes, long gone are the days when we’d throw piles of Cool Whip or mountains of whipped cream atop a slice of tasty and delicious pie.

Pumpkin pie, though dead to the world, will always live on in our hearts and our memories.

Goodbye, old friend.

Experts concluded that the hair mat is comprised of hair belonging to all four members of the suite. They reported that the unspectacular texture and shine of the suitemates’ hair perfectly matched the normally coarse material of a carpet picked-up last minute from K-Mart, and that the hair mat was “financially responsible” and “a pretty interesting idea, if you can get over the fact that you’re standing on your hair for significant periods of time like a psycho.”

Stacy Tobin, another resident of the suite, told The Black Sheep that outsiders have not always welcomed the hair carpet. “People literally don’t even know what it is. They think it’s made out of like yarn and carpet material I guess. But my mom saw it and she tried to throw up. I guess she realized it was hair,” she said.

Reports indicate that all members of the suite have decided to keep the carpet.

Cited reasons include that “a new one is probably just going to form anyway,” and “it’s getting too cold out to walk it all the way to the dumpster.”

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!

TUESDAY: Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp

SAT: $3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka

$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ

$3 Domestic Bottles $3 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings, Live DJ

$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

SATURDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ

$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

SUNDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza

All $3 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks

$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!

Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts

Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp

$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!

WEDNESDAY

All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums

Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza

$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs

Karaoke at 9pm! $2 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

THE BAR GRID Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

FRIDAY: $2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers

THURSDAY

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands

$2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

FRIDAY

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers

SATURDAY

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SUNDAY

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers

MONDAY

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

TUESDAY

$7 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers

WEDNESDAY

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

TREAT YOURSELF

It’s Time to Go Home Black Sheep Staff wrote this

Congratulations, you’ve almost made it to second semester. You’ve been in BloNo for about four months now, and you’ve already had your fair share of memorable moments. You’ve tackled Welcome Week, battled the drunk alumni at Homecoming, and somehow survived Halloween. The weather is getting a little (scratch that, a lot) colder, and people are settling into the “I’ve made it past this shit, now I just want to relax” time of the year. If anything, now is the best time to do that thing you’ve been dreading for the past couple months. It’s time to come home, Lassie—here’s a couple reasons why.

Your Mom Keeps Calling You: Her phone calls started off innocent. She would call you to see how you were doing in class, how your friends were managing, and if you’d decided to take things to the next level with that one guy you’d always visit over the summer.

Suddenly, her phone calls escalated to “Where are you?” and “Are you drunk?” messages.

Momma’s getting a little worried considering you haven’t been home since Labor Day. Are you only eating mac and cheese? Have you paid your rent lately? Why does your bank account only have one zero in it? Save your mother the heart attack and go home.

You Haven’t Done Laundry in Months: Laundry is easy when you’re in the dorms, but it’s a challenge once you’re in the real world. Finding quarters is suddenly as hard as finding an honest man, and you’d do anything to have four dollars’ worth of them every two weeks. Once you run out of Tide Pods, you know you need to go back to the homestead.

You’re cramming about fourteen days of clothing into one load, and yes, people have started noticing that you wear the same shirt every Tuesday. No offense to your apartment complex, but it’s laundry room just doesn’t get the job done. Don’t compare the job your quarter-run machines do to the thousand-dollar washer/dryer combo your parents have. You’re lying to yourself.

You’re Living off of Boxed Pasta and Leftover Fast Food: There is nothing wrong with pasta. Pasta is a gift from the gods. However, once it starts being the only thing that you eat on top of a weekend regimen of pizza and Jimmy John’s, you need to reevaluate your life. You can only be a connoisseur of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu for a couple days before you hit Super Size Me status, and the only reason you’re about to kill your roommates is because you haven’t had protein in about three weeks. Grilled chicken gets really boring, and you don’t have the energy to make anything else. Go home and get some real food in your stomach. You know that ramen is only carbs, right?

You Miss Your Dogs: Man’s best friend is waiting for you. Imagine poor little Skipper sitting next to the front door, wondering when you’re coming home. You haven’t seen your puppy since you left for college, and he’s not getting any younger. He’s also getting fat because you’re not walking him, and let’s face it—your younger siblings aren’t either. A night spent with your dog is equivalent to a good night going out. You know it’s true.

Admit it, it’s time to go home. Your parents miss you, you haven’t seen your pets since ‘Nam, and you could really go for a meal that doesn’t consist of something canned. It’s time to do something about that mountain of laundry sitting in the corner of your room, and you should probably wash your sheets too. In fact, we can almost guarantee your standard of living will drastically improve if you make your way back to your hometown.

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Graduated Favorite Drink: Gin and tonic • Favorite Shot: Sex with an alligator Disgusting Drink: Brain hemorrhage

ERIC of MAGGIE MILEY’S

THE DRINKING GAME

PASSING YOUR PAPER It’s about that time of the year when you’ll have to write a paper or two for every class (seriously, go check your syllabus, you idiot). The Black Sheep understands you probably haven’t been to class since...ever, so it’s time to start seriously thinking about how you’re going to get through this paper with absolutely no preparation.

What You’ll Need: A bottle of whisky, your laptop, the creativity of a crying, lower-class three year old in a box.

Number of Players: Just one. You can’t really cheat if you’re making everything up on the fly.

Level of Intoxication: Ph.D-level (enough to think you’ve become Einstein) How to Play: – About 3 hours before your paper is due, begin freaking out.

– About 2 and ½ hours before your paper is due and after 6 shots of whisky, begin calming down (“I got this!”).

– Find out what subject your paper is on (ECON 103) – Realize that if you say enough business jargon in each sentence, it will seem coherent to anyone who has seen a movie scene taking place in New York.

– “The stock capital of the market gains is always bound by the corporate venture.” (PERFECT) – About 2 hours before your paper is due, submit it online (Great job, you’re early!)

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning and realize you only wrote half a page of misspelled Wall St. lingo and that your paper was on the history of the American Civil War.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

If you had the opportunity to wipe one liquor off the face of this planet, what would it be?: Southern Comfort because I had a terrible experience.

to hell for that” moment in recent memory?: Someone cut me off and I hoped they would crash and then they did.

How would drinking be fundamentally different if beer looked like blood?: There would be a lot more vampire jokes.

What kind of crazy plot would your evil twin concoct?: To come bartend as me and fuck up everyone’s drinks.

Where’s the strangest place you’ve found yourself after a night of drinking?: In my parent’s garage dressed in a snowsuit in my mom’s car.

Who—like a spirit animal—is your spirit celebrity?: Robert Downey Jr. because he’s super-cool and laid back.

When’s the least appropriate time for an evil laugh?: After a friend tells you they’ve just been dumped.

What’s your most, “Yeah, I’m going

Name a sexual maneuver after yourself: The Triple E Explosion.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s obviously outrageous and hilarious.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

MOSTLY-DONE SEMESTER MOSTACHOLI AY, VENI-VICI! It’s almost over, ya’ meatball. That means it’s time to make some mostacholi and FUGGEDABOUTIT! But seriously, this is some serious brain food that will help you pass your upcoming exams. Or at least make you happy about one thing in your life.

What You’ll Need: Some damn pasta, ya’ pepperoni head! Get some sauce too!

Fatty Factor: Uncle Jupiter’s stomach’s gonna’ damn near explode.

Let’s Get Baked: – Pop on your best Chef Boyardee hat and get your ass in the kitchen.

– Find some pasta (any pasta will do, we’re not real Italians over here).

– Pour your pasta in a pot of boiling water and cook it for...uhh, I dunno’...tree’ minutes.

– Pack some sauce on that mound’a pasta and get mixin’.

– Pour it all in a bowl and put one of those leaves on top – that’s how the real Italians do it.

DOE’! Wasn’t ‘dat easy? Quick, clean, tasty, efficient, BOOM! Next time you’re freaking out about a little test, take it down a notch and get yourself some pastacholi.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Despite Tight Firm Mobility and Falling Stock Prices,

Terrible Boyfriend Negotiates Three-Way sed many, freshman ri rp su at th e ov m In a is girlfriend, h d ce in v n co r le al Zach W iest ge in one of the risk ga en to e, n o h R e Maggi iend market. fr rl gi e th in ts en investm

Mooney wrote this l u a P

Last weekend when Maggie visited Zach, the two of them had a three-way with Zach’s friend. Both are freshmen who graduated from high school in June. Maggie stayed in New Jersey to be a nursing student at Rutgers and Zach went to Temple as undeclared.

This comes as one of the fiscal quarter’s greatest surprises, as Zach’s share price went down ten points since going away to college. “He hasn’t branched out, he’s not living up to his academic potential, and he hasn’t joined a single club,” said Deborah Jennings, an analyst for Standard & Poor’s who specializes in the girlfriend sector. “He has tits now. His stock just isn’t what it used to be.”

On the other side, Maggie’s share value has greatly appreciated in the two months she’s been away. “Maggie has been flourishing at school,” said Anita Gomez, a finance graduate student at Rutgers who’s been tracking the girlfriend exports at her university. “She’s really putting herself out there, and her friends at school are so much cooler than her home friends. She’s joined the feminism club, she writes poetry, and she’s doing that thing with her hair now that she didn’t feel comfortable doing back home. Investors love that thing she does with her hair now.”

Besides the disparity of the firms’ growth, the sheer risk of the investment made it so unlikely. Statistically, threeways are the second least successful investments to ask of a business partner, after pee. Moreover, Zach is in no way able to bargain. Over the summer and the first few months of school, Zach has incurred a staggering amount of emotional debt. “Zach doesn’t know any of Maggie’s friends’ names, or even the type of people she hangs out with. The past three times he called her he was drunk. Plus, all of his sectors have seen a decrease in performance,” Gomez added.

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors. Negative growth was even seen in the Sex sector, which was typically his strongest, seeing the lowest quarter of orgasms since he expanded operations to the clitoris.

Moreover, the context of the proposal for the three-way was a blundered operation. It was proposed in his dorm room, without prior consultation, with Catherine Harty, the girl who put the “three” in the three-way. Maggie hadn’t even met Catherine before; Catherine, on the other hand, had already agreed to it. This happened after a long presentation about fidelity Maggie gave a month ago, via PowerPoint at a quarterly negotiation.

“Many construed economic concepts are at play here,” said Rutgers economics professor Kevin Hudson, “Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.” Truthfully, Zach’s emotional investment averages twenty points less return than the standard boy who flirts with Maggie on a daily basis. “Moreover, she isn’t specializing her assets. Maggie would work best in a merger that lets her be who she’s meant to be, and not drag her down. Zach, who is developing into the Disappointing Loser industry, isn’t letting her reach that potential.”

Another misconception Maggie has is the fixed cost of a breakup with Zach. Though the cost would be high, even while remaining single she would generate emotional profit over a two-year period. Additionally, Maggie’s huge appreciation as a stock presents a bright landscape for future investment. “That girl’s killin’ it,” said Dr. Hudson.

What Maggie also isn’t considering is the surprising growth she’s shown, despite a struggling girlfriend market that still hasn’t fully recovered from the mortgage crisis of 2008, in which romantic loans were made that couldn’t be paid off. “Essentially, investors would say ‘I love you’ before such a statement could be reinforced, and these debts piled up,” said Jennings. The whole market kept building

like a house of cards until it all collapsed with a series of break-ups from relationships that just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “Maggie’s still shown significant growth despite the financial climate. So yeah, she’s killin’ it.”

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors.

Unknown to Maggie, the elasticity of her supply has greatly decreased. “Maggie thinks that she can’t ask for a better boyfriend at her emotional price, but that’s simply not true,” Jennings said. “She also deeply misunderstands the girlfriend market structure. She acts like it’s a monopoly, where Zach is the only provider and he can set whatever price because there’s no other providers; in reality, it’s like monopolistic competition, where every firm offers their own product and has total control of that product. However, none of these firms have any large market control.

As the economist Beyoncé wrote in her seminal paper, ‘I could have another you in a minute.’ ” The lengthy history between the two firms serves some explanation for the current situation. Maggie opened for trade with a fairly low IPO in 2012. Zach, one of the most popular firms at Union High School, offered to buy the firm outright, but negotiations fell through. After the school year was over, Zach’s rising stock and alcohol finally caused initial business relations. Over the summer, the two went from a thing, to not being official, to no one really knows what they are, to pretty much a real thing but not really, to pretty much a thing but only sort of, until an official merger plan was set in place and the two became Facebook official.

Through junior year, Zach maintained his high stock price and built healthy customer relations with his effective partnership skills. Maggie’s social price also rose, due to going out with Zach to parties more, as well as her boobs finally growing in at the age of sixteen. “Boobs are important to high school investors,” Gomez added. Senior year saw few changes, though Zach’s senioritis and growing affinity for sweatpants took a small drain on his stock price.

With unforeseen growth prospects, Maggie agreed to a long-term trade agreement of Skype calls and a Snapchat best friendship. “I’ve been following the market recently, and I can honestly say that I’m shocked at the current disparity of the firms,” said Delaware finance student Michael Doyle, Zach’s sexiled roommate.

Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.

Though the long-term agreement exists, there are likely prospects for the merger to split in the near future. “The three-way was a terrible idea,” said Dr. Hudson. “I mean, it worked, so maybe it was a great idea, but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

“Maybe this is what Maggie needs to start looking for new employers,” said Gomez. “Currently, she has a standing offer from sophomore Marcus Jackson.” A “standing offer” is a financial term for fleeting moments of eye contact and text messages with at least a 30% increase in emojis.

“Besides being at her school, he has a significantly higher stock value. His personality ratio is much higher than Zach’s, as well as pretty much every other aspect of his firm.”

“Economically, he’s a much more efficient investment,” said Jennings. Aside from an overall greater responsiveness to hints and listening skills, Marcus could be the specialized industry Maggie could benefit from moving to. Discussions about Bob’s Burgers with Marcus have yielded twice as much laughter as those with Zach, mainly because he never watched it. Marcus’ comments about Maggie’s one crooked tooth made her blush 44% more than Zach’s compliments; an even higher disparity is seen when comparing Zach’s comments on the same tooth, most of which involved the phrase “scratchy head.”

When pressed for comment, results were overwhelmingly positive. Maggie avoided eye contact and said “I don’t know,” while smiling, commonly considered among investors as the clearest confirmation possible in finance today.

“The three-way was a terrible idea. I mean, it worked... but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

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