The Black Sheep
F Hal ree! Li low ke T een oot ... t sie R hey o suc lls aft k, a er mir ite?
Volume 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
Student Accidentally Matches with Faculty Member on Tinder Jennifer Green wrote this Tinder, the love child of advancements in technology and the increasing fear of getting to know people in real life, has rapidly gained popularity over the past year. Thousands of Illinois State students have turned to Tinder, but one student, junior Eliza Jenkins, got more than she bargained for out of the app. “I only downloaded the stupid app because my roommate got it,” Jenkins told The Black Sheep. “After days of her nagging at me, I caved and got an account. At first I just kind of went through it and made fun of all the pathetic losers using it and actually taking it seriously. Like, c’mon you’re not gonna find the love of your life over some weird app and you’re not gonna get laid either—not with those Facebook pictures. I kept making fun of it until one day I got a notification. It said I matched with someone. That’s when it happened—I became addicted.” Jenkins’ roommate, senior Nelli Faulk, commented on the situation saying, “This bitch made fun of Tinder nonstop. She acted like she was so above all of it and now she won’t stop checking it. She literally bought a waterproof case so she could take her phone into the shower with her… who does that?” After a few weeks of her Tinder addiction, Jenkins finally came across something that made her want to give up the app all together. “I was just browsing, swiping left and crushing men’s dreams when all of a sudden someone older popped up. Before I could stop myself I swiped right. I guess I was so used to just glancing and swiping that I didn’t exactly pay attention to which way I was swiping. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die.” Jenkins decided to set down her phone for a while and binge watch some Netflix shows to take her mind off her screw-up. One 10-hour Orange is the New Black marathon later, she decided to get off the couch and go check her phone. As soon as she turned it back on, her phone pinged with a notification… from Tinder. “I stared at my phone in pure horror and shock. The old guy swiped me back! We matched! Not only that, but he messaged me like ten million times in a row! I ran to Nelli’s room to show her and she just started laughing and wouldn’t tell me why. I got pissed and asked what she thought was so funny and that’s when she told me something that made me hate my life. The old dude I matched with was President Dietz… like the President of ISU.” “I couldn’t believe it,” Faulk told The Black Sheep, still laughing. “The
president of our university has a Tinder and let me tell ya… he really uses it. The very first message he sent said—” Faulk paused to wipe some tears from her eyes and let out the rest of her laughter, “it said ‘how much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice, how are ya?’ This is why old people shouldn’t have Tinder. What kind of a pick-up line is that? After those messages he kind of just kept sending messages about the weather and politics. It was weird.” Jenkins finally replied to her Tinder messages. “I messaged him back and said, ‘President Dietz, is that you?’ He didn’t say anything for a while,
but then I got a message back saying, ‘Oh God, I knew someone would eventually recognize me. Blast this new-fangled technology! Blast it all to heck! Listen, can this be our little secret?’ I told him I would keep it just between us to which he responded, ‘okay great! So do you still wanna go out sometime or…?’ I didn’t respond.” Immediately after the incident, Jenkins tweeted, “Wow look out ladies, Dietzy is prowling on Tinder.” 6 retweets and 45 favorites later, his secret was no longer safe. On an unrelated note, Tinder usage at ISU has dropped by 50%.
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PAGES 12-13
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IT’S NEVER TO EARLY TO START WORKING ON THAT SUMMER BODY.
OUR CHAT WITH THE “COMIC’S COMIC.”
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_ISU OCTOBER 30th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 12th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM