The Black Sheep
FRE E. A P .. LIKE RES IDE GIVIN N T I G YO AL ASS UR GA -WH RD OOP ENER ING .
Vol. 6, Issue 6
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/3/14 - 4/16/14
GARDENER OF TRUTH: THE PATRICK MURPHY STORY SCOOP CHANG WROTE THIS
No doubt you’ve already heard the news about beliked ISU President Timothy Flanagan and his resignation. The former president had a quarrel with groundskeeper Patrick Murphy, allegedly culminating with Flanagan yelling, hitting, and spitting on Murphy. We’ve heard what the public relations people at ISU have said about the issue, but no one has heard the story from Murphy’s point of view. The Black Sheep presents Patrick Murphy: Behind the Saliva: It started off like any normal day, I arrived at the president’s house around 4a.m.; Mr. Flanagan likes his grass freshly cut every morning before he wakes up and his hedges trimmed into his likeness. I had heard that he was very punctual and to never show up late, so I made sure all my clocks were set to daylight savings time. I showed up around 3:55 and started mowing the lawn like always, until I saw him staring me down from his window. I looked up and there he was, just watching me. I waved up at him, but he didn’t wave back. He didn’t even move for another 15 minutes, he just stood there staring at me. I finished up the lawn, but before I could start on the hedges, I heard the front door slam open. I said “Hello, Mr. Flanagan!” but he said nothing as he walked up to me. He got so close, I could feel his icy breath as he snorted, “‘You’re an hour late, Murphy.’” “It’s… it’s daylight savings time,” I sputtered nervously, “I was actually a few minutes ear—“
“‘I don’t care what ethnic holiday you’re celebrating Murphy!’” He was fuming already, Murphy recalled, “’You don’t get to come in late just because you want to!’” “It’s not a holiday, sir,” I responded, “it’s when everyone changes all the clocks--” “’I don’t know how they do things back in Mexico, or Guatemala, or wherever you’re from Murphy, but here in AMERICA!’ Flanagan exclaimed, growing steadily louder as his face became a dark crimson, ‘we need the smell of a fresh cut lawn to start our day off on the right foot!’” “I’m… I’m… actually Irish—“ I tried to explain, but he was on a roll now. Murphy dabbed his eyes with a tissue. He was livid. He screamed, “’Do you know how many people work for me Murphy, you insolent cur?! How many people depend on me to make life-changing decisions every day?! Decisions I can’t make if I don’t smell freshly cut grass the moment I wake up!’” Even though he stood a few inches shorter than me, Murphy sobbed, I felt small next to the now-purpling, screaming man. He started flapping his arms wildly as if he were a coked-out bird about to take flight. “’MY LAWN IS MY LIFE, MURPHY!’” He screamed, “’MY LIFE! Do you even have a lawn, you Italian piece of trash?’” I promised Mr. Flanagan I’d come early
next time. I tried to plead with him, Murphy recalled, though he must’ve thought I was being sarcastic because he shoved me so hard in the chest that I fell to the ground. He crouched down over me and asked, “’Is this a game to you Murphy, you ice-humping Inuit? If you so much as utter another word, I will cut off your face
and give it to your children as a sunlight savers day present!’” I said nothing. There was no reasoning with the man. I waited to see what he would do next, but he just turned and started to walk back inside. I started to get up, but before I could Flanagan ran
back and came at me as if he were about to punch me in the face. I flinched as his fist approached, but didn’t feel the blow. I opened my eyes to see him smirking. With a loud snort he gathered mucus in his throat before spitting it into my open eyes. “‘Pussy.’” He muttered before walking back to his door.
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PAGES 12-13
BLO-NO BUILDS PORTILLO’S, BURNS DOWN
ISU STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
POURING HOT DOG GREASE OVER THE BUILDING IN CELEBRATION WAS A BAD IDEA.
JESUS WAS THERE AND HE GOT US ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP.
DRINKING BEER AND SCREWING? IS THIS WESTEROS OR ISU?
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