The Black Sheep
ISU FREE IS I ...LI NT K HE E PRE NC A TE A TO N D I N URN G AM ENT .
Vol. 6, Issue 5
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/20/14 - 4/2/14
ISU BANS BRADLEY STUDENTS FROM BONE STUDENT CENTER
ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS Normal, IL – The decision to ban Bradley students from The Bone Student Center was approved by Illinois State University President Timothy J. Flanagan today in an effort to “keep those no-good rotten kids off my lawn!” Flanagan released the statement while on the front yard of his home on the north side of Illinois State University’s campus, flecking spit with every “S” word he spoke. Flanagan faced pressure from the media, former ISU president Al Bowman, as well as his wife, who spoke to the media earlier today. “You know, Tim’s under a lot of stress lately. With the allegations against him for assault, perversion, and the rumor that he may or may not be an evil demon sent from Hell to kill students, we can hardly keep up with all of this. Tim just wants to make sure everyone who enters our campus knows what we stand for.” She shrugged a little bit and walked back inside the mansion. So what do they stand for? Interviewing several ISU students coming back from a recent basketball game, senior Buck Fradley had this to say, “Fuck yeah I wanna ban Bradley students from the Bone. That’s our place of study and… bagels… and those lame freshmen get-togethers. If we let some Bradley fans in here, who knows where it will stop? Next they’ll start letting in Wesleyan students. Preposterous!” Of course, not all students agree with this sentiment. Sophomore, Jessica Blownose, is adamantly against the new ban on Bradley students. “How can we not let [Bradley students] into the Bone? It’s like back in the 60’s when the school labeled all the bathrooms and water fountains “Redbirds only” and “Braves only.” Bradley students should be allowed to go into whatever building they want and get married to whomever they want. Go Braves!” Jessica was later expelled and banished from the university for, what we are told, are reasons unrelated. The university staff was prepped to not allow any student into the Bone without first showing proper ISU identification, singing the fight song, and fist-bumping Reggie the Redbird. Clearly it was a fool-proof plan to keep Bradley students out of the building. However, about 50 miles away, two Bradley brothers, Brad and Chad Paisley, were conspiring to sneak into the Bone, steal whatever they could, and spray paint “Braves do it better” on all the walls. Their plan was to disguise themselves. Dress like ISU students, talk like
ISU students, become ISU students. The training was remarkably simple. They chugged about 20 Keystone Lights, put on some ISU hoodies, and they made their way down I-74. The brothers sat outside the entrance and chugged a couple more Keystones for good measure. They then marched up the steps to the Bone, showed the guards their counterfeit IDs, sang the fight song, and gave Reggie a high five. No self-respecting Bradley fan would ever fist bump Reggie. But apparently once inside the majestic student center the two brothers
looked around and fell to their knees. “What are we doing here?” said Chad to his brother. “This place is too awesome to destroy. Let’s just get some Burger King and call it a day.” And with that, the two students sat in the Bone Student Center Burger King, ate their Rodeo Burgers and left. When Flanagan found out about the infiltration, plans to demolish the Bone soon began. “It’s not a sacred place anymore…” he muttered under his breath. Flanagan swears he’s not a spiteful man, but continues to fire anyone who speaks against the demolition plans or against his anti-Bradley crusade. The Bone will remain open to the general public for the time being.
PAGE 4
PAGE 4
PAGE 11
ISU PROFESSOR SECRETLY LOCH NESS MONSTER
TOP 10: REASONS TO SLEEP WITH A PROFESSOR
BARTENDER OF THE WEEK
IT WAS KIND OF SUSPICIOUS THAT SHE WAS ALWAYS ASKING FOR TREE-FITTY.
AS IF YOU NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO BONE OLD PROFESSOR JOHNSON.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
PAUL FROM FAT JACK’S LOVES MAKER’S MARK MORE THAN ANYONE, EVER.