The Black Sheep
WH FREE.. EN A .LIK BLA E THE CK G FEE UY G LIN IVE G YO S YO U G U TH ET E NO D.
Vol. 6, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/27/14 - 3/12/14
STATE FARM ATTEMPTS TO BUY ILLINOIS STATE UNIVERSITY, SUCCEEDS ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS
In an odd turn of events, State Farm announced this week that it will buy Illinois State University for 2.3 billion dollars. Faculty and students were confused by what the buyout would mean for their jobs and education, but Timothy J. Flanagan cleared up the situation in a press conference earlier this week. “Settle down, people. The university will not change. If you like your insurance provider, you can keep them. Period.” Flanagan assured the crowd as he took a long drink from his UPB plastic water bottle, which made a slurping sound throughout the oddly silent Redbird Arena. “The university was simply losing money, and we could not turn down an offer this good. It was either this or let Michael Bay film Transformers 7 here. You wouldn’t want that, would you?” The crowd erupted in boos and began throwing trash on stage. Michael Bay is allegedly a Bradley fan. Among the listed changes that will affect students and staff at Illinois State University is the complete makeover of the campus. The Quad will be painted bright red with State Farm’s logo covering every block of concrete within the university premises. Some praised the school for finally “spreading the red,” while other students were displeased by this massive influx of school spirit. Senior Buck Fradley had this to say about the new Quad color scheme, “You mean I have to walk on red shit that covers the concrete? How do we even know this
stuff is safe? What if it starts raining? That stuff will be as slick as a cartoon banana peel. Pretty damn slippery! If I get hurt from this you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.” The student then hung his head in shame when he realized that his lawyer had State Farm insurance and would probably side with them. Another change will happen in the university’s staff. NFL quarterback Aaron Rogers and “Jake from State Farm” will now be teaching 50% of all the university’s classes. State Farm released a statement concerning this which read, “We know that Aaron and Jake may not be the smartest or most qualified people to teach undergraduates about calculus, but we feel that this decision can really help ‘grow the brand’.” Professor Rogers begins lectures on Monday with Advanced Philosophical Reasoning 121, and he seems to be looking forward to it. “Yeah you know, you just gotta go out there and have a great day, you know? I mean I remember this one game at Lambeau. Oh man, you shoulda been there. I hit Cobb from maybe like 30 feet away while I was being sacked. I think I can handle teaching some dumbass kids.” Jake from State Farm, however, was a bit more concerned: “I just don’t see how they expect us to learn all of this stuff,” Jake told us. “All I do is answer the phones. They have me writing lesson plans and all this—”Jake was interrupted by a text which he read over several times, and then continued. “I mean… I
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CRIMINAL JUSTICE MAJOR BECOMES BATMAN
HE ISN’T THE HERO ISU NEEDED. NOR THE ONE THEY DESERVE... BECAUSE HE’S DEAD.
can do it. It’s gonna be great! Yay State Farm!”
pants and a red polo t-shirt while on the premises.
One of the stranger rules that will now be enforced by Illinois State Farm University will be a university-wide mandate of khaki pants. All students and staff will now be required to wear khaki
Although students and staff will be slow to adjust to the buyout, State Farm will surely see improved customer relations through advertising with Illinois State University as well as a never ending sup-
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ply of workers. All students who graduate from ISU will now be required to work for State Farm for the rest of their lives. “I don’t see what everyone’s complaining about!” said one of the happy English majors accepting her diploma “State Farm is a wonderful company to which I owe my life.”
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THE GREAT MIGRATION
ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK
ISU, TAKING THE FALL FOR UIUC STUDENTS AT UNOFFICIAL SINCE 1996.
WHERE YOU CAN HELP OUT THOSE IN NEED, OR AT LEAST HAVE SEX WITH THEM.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com