The Black Sheep
FRE E...L YOU IKE TH GAV E DU E TO MP YOU STER R G TED IRL FRI DY BEA END R .
Vol. 6, Issue 3
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/13/14 - 2/26/14
LIFE OF A DEPRESSED
V-DAY TEDDY BEAR BY: JENNIFER GREEN This is the time of year when everyone around me is getting laid. Everyone. Horses, Beanie Babies, and even Goddamned body pillows are either in relationships and “gettin’ some on the daily” or dropping their standards to “get some on the occasionally.” This sex phenomenon of a holiday, deemed Valentine’s Day, has been ruining my life ever since I was first stuffed. I remember being a young, earnest teddy bear, excited for what the world had in store for me, but then I learned about what Valentine’s Day really entailed for bears like me. I’ve been gifted and re-gifted, and I’ve seen a lot of shit. My current owner is a douche named Jake who will undoubtedly give me up as a last-minute gift to some chick he just met. What’s worse, Shitty Jake wrapped me in pink ribbon. Pink ribbon? Do you think gender identity is a freaking game, Jake? What happened to the tales of yore, of teddy bears being gifted and kept for a lifetime. Being best friends with a human for years on end? Not anymore, every year it’s the same story: people give bears like me as gifts to show how much they “love” their significant other, blah blah blah. What people don’t think about, however, is what happens to us lil’ old love bears once you idiots go through your messy breakups. We suddenly go from a cherished reminder of love to a hated reminder of a cheating bastard. This is where we get screwed, and not in a good way. No one wants to keep a constant reminder of a bad memory, so what’s the obvious solution? You ungrateful bitches throw us right out with the trash. Into the dumpsters we go, and while you’re off mending your broken hearts with bad movies and Ben & Jerry’s, we end up on the Island of Valentine’s Days Past. Sure, the name may sound romantic, but let me assure you, nothing good happens in this hellhole. This island isn’t an all-inclusive resort, it’s merely a sectioned off area of the garbage heap where all of us forgotten love tokens slowly get eaten by worms and bacteria. We cute, little bears have seen things that would make you throw up your stuffing. For example, in our support group Teddy Bears Anonymous, everyone gets the opportunity to talk about what they’ve been through over the years. One bear, we’ll call him Randy (mostly because his name is Randy and I’m too lazy to change it), told a story of how he was given as an anniversary gift one year from an old man to his wife. This would’ve been fine, except they left him on the bed and later had sex on said bed. He was forced to watch old people sex. OLD PEOPLE SEX! Needless to
say, it took about five of us to calm him down from one of his teddy bear night terrors, which are notably still pretty cute. Valentine’s Day entails plenty of romantic shenanigans, but once the fun and games are over and couples realize they hate each other, us teddy bears you once cuddled with are soon to be down in the dumps, no pun
intended. Just keep in mind that one day, your beloved teddy bear will be talkin’ mad shit about you in his support group. So if you’re going to have sex in front of him, at least turn his head the other way. Yours, Alfy J. Plushington, disgraced teddy bear
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TOP 10: VALENTINE’S DAY ITEMS TO NOT USE AS LUBE
PARENTS RELIEVED DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX
MATCHMAKING OFFERS TRUE LOVE AT AFFORDABLE PRICES
IT’S JUST NOT V-DAY WITHOUT GETTING A FEW FRICTION BURNS ON YOUR JOHNSON.
LOVE WAITS, AND ONLY BJS AND HJS UNTIL THEN.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
LEGALLY, IT’S NOT PROSTITUTION UNLESS YOU GET CAUGHT.