Illinois State - Issue 3 - 9/18/2014

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

SHO FREE! T AT LIKE THE A M END ELT Y OF JELL A TA -O ILG ATE .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 3

ISU’s New Pokémon-Themed STD Prevention Backfires Student Tries to Catch Em’ All Jennifer Green wrote this With the heavy influx of freshmen this year, Illinois State University decided to place extra emphasis and importance on STD prevention and safe sex. After brainstorming different strategies to reach the students, the university board agreed on a campaign that they thought would best relate to everyone; Pokémon.

and like, honestly who wouldn’t want a cool nickname like Whorlax?” Surprisingly, many other students had the same mindset as Kyle and from that moment on, students in the dorms began competing to literally catch em’ all.

President Larry Dietz said of the new STD prevention plan, “What better way to reach the young people than with a beloved show and card game they grew up with? We’ve got things planned out for all the various creatures to get the young people pumped about the sensationruining experience that is safe sex and condom usage!” Although the university was confident in its ability to relate to students, they couldn’t possibly have imagined just how seriously students would take the Pokémon theme.

Word got around campus quickly and once students decided that it would be cool to catch ‘em all, the game was on. The G Spot set up emergency tents by Schroeder, the Bone Center, and multiple places in the Quad in a last-ditch effort to stop these horny, competitive Pokémon masters.

It became apparent just days after the STD prevention program began that it had backfired; students were literally trying to catch ‘em all. Watterson, HewettManchester, and Tri-Towers participated in the campaign by getting all of the RAs to decorate the halls with pictures of Pokémon cleverly renamed to be relevant to the issue. One banner in the breezeway of Madison 4 in Watterson read, “Don’t be a Whorlax, use a condom.”

Freshman Kyle Mahone told The Black Sheep, “As soon as I read Whorlax, I thought, ‘Wow, what a sweet-ass name.

It’s like Snorlax, only new and evolved’

The efforts were ignored completely and the situation only grew worse. Students were hooking up nonstop. “We couldn’t keep the kids off each other,” says University board member Bob Duchman. “The students were all up on each other like somebody had glued their naughty bits together.

They didn’t even care if it was in their rooms or the middle of Milner Plaza, they’d just decide to start going at it. It was one of the most disturbing, erotic displays I’ve ever seen.”

Some “more determined” students didn’t go to any classes because they were too busy trying to bang every notoriously

easy man or woman they could get their hands on. While STD rates skyrocketed among the majority of the student population, one student in particular has risen to a level seemingly unattainable. Senior and Pokémon master, Ian Smith, was the first to catch HerpegonasiphilAIDS. In essence, he did it; he caught em’ all.

Since his diagnosis, Smith was given a gold-plated Pokéball by a group of admiring Pokémon amateurs. “It’s an honor, really,” Smith told us, while itching some Pokéballs of his own. “Besides all the ointment, medical bills, and the fact that it feels like I’m pissing fire anytime I have to go to the bathroom, this is the coolest

PAGE 5

PAGE 7

TOP 10: CAMPUS PETS

QUIDDITCH AND LARP CLUB CLASH ON THE QUAD

IMAGINE HOW MUCH YOU’D GET CARTING AROUND ONE OF THESE FLUFFY THINGS.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_ISU

IT’S OKAY IF YOU FEEL CONFUSED, SCARED, ANGRY, AND MORE THAN A LITTLE AROUSED.

SEPTEMBER 18th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014

thing that’s ever happened to me. I never thought in a million years that’d I’d be the most famous kid on campus, but look at me now! Everyone knows and loves me!

The nurses even took pictures of me and told me that they were gonna use me as an example all across the nation. The nation, can you believe it?”

PAGES 12-13 THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT UP AND SHUT UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS & EDITORIAL MANAGER Nikki Monroe

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Helen Hoang

ADVERTISING MANAGER Jackie Fisher

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

WRITERS Ryan Tarpey, Nikki Monroe Hannah Krajewski, Tim Mackey

OWNER Atish Doshi

PROMOTIONS MANAGER Vanessa Garcia SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Krajewski STREET TEAM MANAGER Eddie Sak STREET TEAM Celina McGrath, Cristina Cervantes

FOUNDERS Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

FOLLOW US! @BLACKSHEEP_CLEM • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Party at Brewe Ha’s All Week Long!

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts

All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SAT. & SUN.

$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka

$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors, $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts, $3 Vegas Bombs

102 South Linden Street | Normal, Illinois

(309) 452-7393 | Find us on Facebook!

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE PUERTO RICAN FOG BANK “After fashioning an impromptu helmet out of a watermelon rind Selma was relieved that no one would see the severe cranial bruising she suffered after drunkenly falling down a flight of stairs.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

S’MORGASM Any orgasm in which chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker or fire is involved.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Started heavy metal band Body Count.

2

Spent many years in the Army.

3

Voiced Madd Dogg in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

# #

“Lick that Hershey highway off my fat tits!”

Melody screamed as she loudly s’morgasmed.

#

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_ISU

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT WAS THE LAST REGRETTABLE PURCHASE YOU’VE MADE? Tori, Sophomore

“Chipotle. Gassy as hell.”

EJ, Senior

“A pair of expensive jeans from Express.”

Jessica, Sophomore

“Buying $40 worth of alcohol last weekend.”

06

AROUND CAMPUS

THE TOP TEN

Campus Pets Since President Dietz’s official decree that dogs and cats are “forbidden” from all dorms and will be “put down on sight,” students have been forced to be more creative with their illegal dorm pet choices. Because what are we supposed to do? Not have illegal pets?

10.) Snail: Yes, Gary, the sticky invertebrate from SpongeBob is a viable pet option. Just give it a cup of water and some bubble gum and you’ve got yourself a new best friend. If you’re wondering, the bubble gum is to keep its goo nice, fresh, and sticky. That kind of scientific miracle doesn’t happen on its own.

9.) Fish: Just kidding. Fish are stupid and people who have them are stupid.

DIETZ’S WAR

ON THE DOLLAR

8.) Lightning Bugs: Go outside and catch these bad boys then throw them in a jar. Make sure to add a leaf to simulate their environment. Wanna go all out? Add a stick and the deception will be perfect. They’ll be convinced the entire world has shrunk down to the size of a jar… stupid bugs.

7.) Pug: These bitches are just downright ugly. They’re hardly dogs, they look like aliens. No one will suspect they’re actually a mega-illegal puppy. We mean… if you really want this hideous thing in your room watching you sleep.

Scoop Chang wrote this

Beginning August 13, Campus Dining Services began only accepting digital currency including Flex Dollars, Redbird Dollars, Bitcoin, and credit/debit cards at all of its dining centers. Cash will no longer be accepted anywhere on campus and President Dietz has stated that “since Einstein Bros Bagels at Milner Library has been cash-free since opening last November, everywhere else should be able to do it with no problems at all” and that “it has nothing to do with my large investment in Bitcoin.”

drugs that we only have cash and we don’t want a paper trail,’ but that really is a cogent summary of the situation.”

A few months earlier, Dietz spoke to us about his ingenious idea to invest all of the school’s funding into a digital currency called Bitcoin. An investment he was excited about at the time, he assured students that “he knew a guy who said it would work for sure.”

SSDP’s ill-conceived and poorly named “War Against the Bagel People” and “Down with Einstein” protests gained little traction last year when Einstein Brothers first stopped accepting cash money. “Most people just assumed it was some kind of racist thing against the Jews or some kind of ‘pro-stupidity’ movement,” claimed Some Money. “It was definitely a failure on our part, but our new slogan ‘Dietz’s war on money isn’t good for anyone, so you should help us fight against this policy’ should be more effective. We made it as wordy as possible so no one would be confused, but now the people we have painting the signs all have horrible carpal tunnel.”

In recent weeks as Bitcoin has decreased drastically in value, Dietz seems to have become more nervous and sweaty about the investment. With his new “moist and salty” attitude came a series of changes in the financial workings of the university. Dietz admits that “it may have been a bad decision” and “cocaine may have been involved,” but also mentioned that this information was “off the record,” whatever that means.

Subway is the only food establishment on campus refusing to go along with Dietz’s moneyless mandate, calling it “stupid” and “probably illegal.” We called Jared Fogle to find out more, but after a series of sandwich-related questions, he started crying about how “he was a person” and “wanted to be left alone” and that “if we asked to see his fat pants one more time he was going to go on a killing spree.”

Though the future holds a series of more severe changes, like only being able to pay tuition with Bitcoin and giving out financial aid in Dogecoin, for now the changes seem bearable. The main opponents of these new policies are coming from SSDP and the Circus. Head of both organizations, Robert “Some Money” D’Argent, had this to say, “I’m not going to say that ‘because a lot of us sell

Dietz has responded harshly saying that any sort of revolution or outburst will be quelled with unnecessary force; though, most students don’t seem to care. It is the future, after all, and everyone has extra Flex Dollars anyway. It seems Dietz’s war on the dollar is more mundane than it sounds. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem worthy of a news story, but… here we are…

6.) Boobies: Don’t laugh, you uncultured hillbilly! These beautiful creatures, with bright red or blue tootsies, are native to the Galapagos Islands. Just call one of your many friends in Ecuador and get a baby booby shipped right to your door. Don’t have any friends in Ecuador? That’s not our problem. Is this the Top Ten ways to stop being a lonely loner? No. It’s not.

5.) Koala: We’re gonna be straight up and down with you; you’re gonna have to break into the zoo for this one. But after that, it’s all cake. Make sure you feed it twice a day; DP Dough’s new “Eucalyptus Zone” should do nicely. These fuzzy nonbears need a place to hang from, so unless you want to be that cool guy with the koala constantly on his leg, make sure you have a bunk bed for it to chill from.

4.) Pygmy Goat: These fluffy, octopus-eyed, little cuties stay pretty small their whole life. Plus their poop is biodegradable, so you can fertilize whatever plant you’re using to feed it, with its own droppings. It’s the circle…

3.) Capybara: The largest rodent in the world is actually a cute, friendly fella that is misunderstood because of the way it looks. Yes, we did first see this in Bob’s Burgers.

2.) Red Panda: HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? DO WE EVEN NEED TO WRITE ANYTHING? The red panda is nature’s cutest animal; it’s not even a contest. These fluffy little jokesters combine all of the energy and silliness of a ferret, with the fluffiness of a Persian cat, and the cuteness of a thousand cuddly bunnies.

1.) Axolotl: A member of the salamander family, these cute little mofos can regenerate their limbs, including their legs, jaws, and even their eyes. This is the perfect college pet choice because it can put up with all of the accidental abuse you can throw at it. The axolotl is truly the party animal.

Scoop Chang wrote this

CAMPUS TRENDS

Students Begin

Weekly Campout for Pub Wednesday

When most people think of Wednesday, they imagine a talking camel yelling, “GUESS WHAT DAY IT ISSS!” but here at Illinois State, people think of Pub Wednesday. This beloved tradition has been around since before most of you Redbirds can remember, not that your memory has been that great since your last keg stand during spring break.

The growing popularity of this weekly event has been so overwhelming that students have started what we hope will not become a new tradition: the Tuesday Night Pub Wednesday Campout.

Police came to break up the “party” around 2 a.m. Two underage drinking tickets were given out, along with thirteen public urination tickets. We asked students how they felt about their wasted (no pun intended) efforts as they attempted to walk home, but very few could comment as they were passed out along Linden Street. We found camper Jay Daniels sitting in front of Lunker’s. “That was like, the best party ever.

It reminded me of Electric Forest, but with less, uh… trees… and slutty girls in rave tutus.”

Considering the fact that ISU has approximately 9,000 students over the age of 21; one can imagine the disgustingly large crowds that flock to the pub for $4 pitchers of beer. In order to retain what is an apparently exclusive space in the bar, students and bar-goers have decided to use the small Pub II parking lot as a campground on Tuesday nights. This week, The Black Sheep decided to join them.

Daniels, along with many other campers, returned the next night. The line in front of the Pub II was even longer than usual—it stretched back so far that the end of the line bought drinks at the gas station next door to pre-game. “I’ve been here for like, half an hour. I think I’ve moved up like four feet,” Daniels told us. “But I’m so trashed I don’t care where I am anymore!”

The campout began around 9 a.m. on Tuesday. We set up next to a group of girls in high-waisted jean shorts so tiny they looked like diapers and a couple of bros who were already belligerently drunk. Most groups kept to themselves; at least they did until the alcohol and molly finally kicked in. Once the line, now nicknamed Club Pub II, started gettin’ wild, one money-hungry sophomore decided to set up shop near the street with what he called his DJ gear. Even though his “gear” just turned out to be a stolen iPad and a sad set of used speakers that ISU’s Vibe-Tribe just couldn’t jam with, he still made bank by charging the boozers $1 per song. This proved fairly profitable until a group of guys paid him $20 to play “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey twenty times in a row and a bottle was broken over the young disc jockey’s head.

Most campers agreed with Daniels, but decided maybe camping in the parking lot isn’t the greatest option to overcome the long bar lines. Campus Police Chief, Merle Stone, released a statement the day after the campout advising students against sleeping in the parking lot. “Tickets will be issued and further disciplinary action will be taken if need be. We don’t really understand this whole thing, so maybe we can all just forget about it. And don’t you guys know there are other bars in Uptown?”

Despite Stone’s wise words, we have a feeling Pub Wednesday will always remain a beloved, crowded tradition. “If only I like, lived in the Pub,” Jay Daniels said. “Wouldn’t that be the best?” Oh Jay, we’re sure it would be.

Veronica Silverado wrote this

LOOKING FOR AN INTERNSHIP? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more!

Get experience doing something YOU LOVE!

06

APPLY ONLINE TODAY! theblacksheeponline.com

NERDS/STUDENTS PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

quidditch and larp club Clash on the Quad Ulysses E. Lockwood wrote this

The dust may have settled on the quad, but the mood is still as tense as the relationship between your roommates after Mario Kart Night. All due to the event that has left Illinois State’s campus confused, scared, angry, and more than a little aroused.

ISU has always been very professional and welcoming to RSOs and their activities on its beautiful quad with minimal conflicts between groups, but that has all changed. “This is definitely a first for us,” said legendary party animal and University President, Larry Dietz, as he knocked the ash off his Cuban cigar into one of the dozens of used red Solo cups in his office. “I’ve drank 100-yearold scotch with Reggie Redbird on top of every building on campus, I’ve even had some less-than-legal run-ins with the cartels of Mexico, and this is still the most shocking thing I’ve ever seen.”

It was supposed to be an ordinary day for the LARP and Quidditch Clubs; full of competition, laughter, and fun. But when the two groups began to argue over

the territories and reservations on the quad, a LARPer was heard shouting that playing “Harry Potter games” was childish and dorky. And then all hell broke loose.

Quidditch Club members were “flying” around on their broomsticks while the LARP Club members tenaciously thrashed and chased after their newfound enemies with massive foam flails and swords. Grown men dressed as elves with ear attachments were being run over by packs of Quidditch players on their brooms, while other LARPers dressed as medieval warriors threw balled-up socks or “fireballs” in defense.

Things got bloody when the Quidditch Club finally began using their brooms as weapons against the LARPers.

day for a romp on the field of battle!” proclaimed the 19-year-old, sporting an impressive suit of cardboard armor. “ ‘tis a pity those rogue wizards from that foreign land they call “Hogwarts” felt the need to invade our ancestral homeland of noble battle.”

To better understand the conflict between the clubs, our reporters interviewed the combatants as well as some onlookers to get the full story.

“Those so-called ‘wizards’ are naught but a cheap sham!” exclaimed Eric Ludanski, or, as he demanded we call him “Arcainbren the Level 44 Wizard.”

“Everybody knows that when you get hit with a fireball that you’re supposed to freeze in place for 60 seconds! To not obey the sacred laws of this realm is to spit in the face of the gods, which

Active LARP Club member, Henry Finkler --or as he prefers to be called “Dartanion the Level-30 Knight”-- described the events for us. “Ah,‘twas a rather glorious

Quidditch Club member Tracy Angleman explained her point of view of the clash, “You don’t get to be a seeker for Hufflepuff without knowing how to play dirty,” boasted the 5’1” girl who was peppered with small cuts and bruises.

“Quidditch isn’t a sport for the weak. You know what they say, ‘If you ain’t down to chase the Snitch, then you ain’t nothing but a bitch’”

basically means you’re just a fucking boner!” Ludanski went on to call the Quidditch Club members, “A bunch of sweaty, jock assholes,” and referred to one individual as a “Cheater, cheater, fuckstick-eater”.

Bruce Smalnauts, the Quidditch team’s star Keeper, was spotted on the battlefield displaying an especially brutish form of fighting. “Yeah, so maybe I broke a broom

or seven over the heads of some LARPing dorks, I just don’t see what the big deal is.” Argued the 5’1 man-child with the university’s disciplinary board. “Those butt-faced nerds all had weapons. Foam or not, a 6-foot battle axe is still a 6-foot battle axe.” Witnesses reported seeing Smalnauts ripping weapons away from LARP Club members to use against them, and not once following the rules when hit with a fireball.

General Repair Transmission Custom Exhaust

www.midstatetransmission.net www.facebook.com/midstatetransmission

GO FOR THE PROS! 1408 Fort Jesse Road | Normal, Illinois 61761 | (309) 452-5595 07

!

15 0 2 4 1 0 2 or f g in nt e R Now

contact us today4.2960 // ClassActRealty.com 309. 45

y // 505 S Fell // 12 flora wa ll Fe N 6 30 // ll fe n 6 20 // HOvey // 102 East Cherry ut // 610 W Hovey // 912 W ln wa S 1 30 // st cu Lo W 102 0 N adelaide // linden // 320 e vernon // 70 s 8 80 // // 710 Dale ll de Lin 4 30 // y wnhomes // 205 E. Phoenix 402 kingsle to y wa ra flo // st cu Lo ol // 118 W 204 N Linden // 502 N Scho

available! l il t s ts en tm r a p a t en d stu

mention the black sheep and get $50 off your deposit!

Lunker’s

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!

FRIDAY! Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings Live DJ

Don’t Miss Oktoberfest, Friday, 9/26!

10 different Oktoberfest Drafts Brat/Pretzel Bun Sliders for $1 Each

1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka

$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ

$3 Domestic Bottles $3 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers

SATURDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ

$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

SUNDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza

All $3 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks

$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!

Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts

Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its 2-Free Topping Thin Kyle Yapp

$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!

WEDNESDAY

All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums

Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza

$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs

Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 $3 Fat Jack Cocktails, Long Islands, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam POWER SHOTS, & Heineken bottles $0.25 Wings, Live DJ

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend

for vailable for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Available

! Availa iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today

The Bar Grid Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

FRIDAY: $2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $4 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers

THURSDAY

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands

$2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

FRIDAY

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers

SATURDAY

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SUNDAY

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers

MONDAY

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

TUESDAY

$7 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers

WEDNESDAY

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CAMPUS HEALTH

Masturbation Schedule Now Enforced in Watterson Black Sheep Staff Wrote This

After years of awkward knocks, confusing thumping noises, and embarrassing interruptions, Watterson officials have installed a mandatory masturbation schedule for new roommates. The schedule is meant to alleviate the all-too-familiar stress of walking in on your roommate while he or she is “spanking the monkey.” According to Barbara Hannick, head administrator of the dorm, the new ruling has been in development for years.

“We’ve been working with the school for the past five months trying to find an effective way to administrate this problem. Biologists, life coaches, and pornographers have all been called in for their expertise.” This problem is known to all freshmen.

How does one touch themselves without having their roommate see them? However, now thanks to Watterson’s Masturbation Schedule it doesn’t have to be. The schedule works by both examining the free time roommates share each semester and how long they spend in class. After student registration, a crack team of counselors works on building a schedule for every group of roommates, and by the move-in date the schedule is posted on the door.

Stories like Belinda Johnson’s and Elvis McGanian’s have forced Barbra to act on their behalf.

“My roommate would run in and out at random times. I would ask him when he’d be coming back and he would always respond ‘oh, whenever,’ ” said Elvis, a senior at ISU. After months of waiting he decided to take the risk. “He was in class, I thought

I would have the room to myself for the hour, I only needed about five minutes anyhow. Since it had been so long I decided to go all out. Light some candles, buy an actual DVD, I even got satin sheets for the occasion.”

That’s when tragedy struck. “He walked in on minute four and I didn’t know what to do.” Elvis panicked and jumped off his bed. Elvis and his roommate shared bunk beds and because of his smooth sheets he fell incorrectly, landing directly on his manhood.

“They call it the reverse pole vault. Happens all the time, apparently.” It’s true, injuries like this aren’t uncommon in the dorms; two in five students will hurt themselves because of masturbation-related incidents like this every semester.

The same day, Belinda Johnson, also a senior, shared a room with a girl whose name will not be disclosed.

“My parents were very strict with me as a child. They said if I ever did anything that my roommate did, I would go straight to HECK.” Boring and true to her word, Belinda never did anything in her dorm room that year.

This, however, was not true for her roommate.

“She had brought it up a few times and I always said ‘I’m not letting you go to Heck, no I’m not.’”

The relationship the two shared quickly became strained because of this.

“It was October 5th when it happened.” That

evening Belinda’s roommate reportedly snapped.

“She just started screaming, ripped the face of Zac Efron off of my High School Musical 3 poster and wrote herself a one way ticket to Heck.” Belinda panicked, and quickly ran out of her room to seek refuge in the room across the hall. Unfortunately that room belonged to Elvis and she walked in right in the middle of his reverse pole vault. “His pants were down and he was screaming, his roommate

was screaming, everyone was screaming!”

Belinda now lives off campus, very far off campus.

Barbra believes that with the new mechanics of the Masturbation Schedule, problems like this will never arise again. Things like timed locks, doorbells, and the mandatory removal of any Zac Efron poster will help the school avoid these problems in the future.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26th

OKTOBERFEST! 10 DIFFERENT OKTOBERFEST DRAFTS BRAT/PRETZEL BUN SLIDERS FOR $1 EACH! 511 N MAIN ST. • BLOOMINGTON, IL • 309.821.9222

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Finance Favorite Drink: Bloody Mary Favorite Shot: Vegas Bomb Disgusting Drink: Sambuca What’s next up after the Fireball craze dies down?: Anything hard that you can take without chaser. The last big drinks have been like mints, so maybe something fruity is next?

What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever had a drink out of?: Zip-Loc bag, for smuggling in and out of the dorms.

CATIE of DADDIO’S

Your least favorite swear word is…and why?: Love em’ all!

THE DRINKING GAME

What sounds like a nickname for a penis, but isn’t a nickname for a penis?: If there’s anything that sounds like a penis, it’s almost definitely being used as a nickname for a penis already.

When were you most embarrassed to find yourself crying?: After drunkenly falling into a puddle of mud outside my apartment.

To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”? Michael Cera as he is in This is the End, all coked up.

So, I’ve got the cash—where’s the blow?: How do I even answer that? Ask Michael Cera!

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a fun way to brush up on current events while reading a ton of funny content!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SHOT FOR ARREST

YUM GUM

It’s a shame to let the recent surge of NFL scandals and player arrests go to waste. After all, it’s the illegal activity of the NFL that can bring football fans and people who watch football solely for the commercials together.

Have you ever been stuck in lecture and had the most terrible taste in your mouth but no gum?

Only five minutes earlier, your hand accidentally slid over a piece of dried gum under your desk.

You think to yourself, “That would work, but I bet it’s pretty stale by now.” Make that ABC gum turn into YUM gum with a few quick tricks:

What You’ll Need: A handle and corrupt NFL players. Good news: There’s an abundance of both!

Number of Players: As many as you can fit in your living room to watch the game on Sunday afternoon.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be wishing football was outlawed in the United States.

How to Play: Drink when: - A player’s actions make you want to hold your child tight.

- A player’s crimes make you want to hold your partner tight.

- TMZ says they have exclusive footage of wrongdoings that you should be repulsed by, but you stream during class anyway.

- You wonder if football players keep football helmets in their cars now to show cops who they are when they get pulled over for drugs and alcohol.

- A player spikes a football on the turf for a touchdown and you find yourself relieved that it’s not someone’s face.

- USA Today creates a database of all the arrests of NFL players in the 2000s. (This actually exists.)

- The names of football teams start to sound too domineering when you replace “-er” with “-her.”

Examples: Raidhers, Steelhers, Packhers.

The Game Ends When: Football season ends and you’re happy to see happy-go-lucky comradery during baseball season.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You’ll Need: Old gum stuck under a desk, stuck to the sidewalk, or stuck to some other stationary object in a public space, sprinkles, as well as regular and sour Skittles.

Fatty Factor: Zero calories, unless you’re a gum swallower. In that case, you’re probably going to die from a clogged poophole, so you’ve got bigger problems, mister.

Let’s Get Baked: - Steal a paint scraper from your apartment complex’s maintenance staff.

- Scrape gum away from the desk/sidewalk/other public space without drawing attention to yourself. Scream that Chipotle is giving away free burrito bowls or moon everyone while you bend over to scrape the gum.

- Massage the gum in your hands to make it soft. Pretend it’s old Playdoh; it feels and tastes the same Give it Some Flavor: - Add sprinkles if you want a crunch to help the gum seem chewier.

- Regular and/or sour Skittles, depending on what the gum was stuck to. If it was under a desk, the gum probably sucked in a sweet, mahogany taste – regular Skittles will do just fine here. If it’s on the sidewalk and a bit more tart from dirt, sour Skittles are a better fit Never pay for gum again! Be green and reduce, reuse, rechew.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Many of us took A.P. exams in high school. It was an awful experience that we have only recently recovered from. But did anyone actually learn anything in these courses? And would you remember the material now if you had to take it again?

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS

With the use of Learnerator.com, I, a senior in college and member of The Black Sheep, will take a practice test for the A.P. U.S. History exam. I took this same exam five years ago as a junior in high school, so we’ll see if my rapidly-deteriorating brain has retained anything.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

MY EXPECTATION:

I won’t retain anything. I’ll come out of this test on top of my shield, having been devoured and impaled on a Draconian spike.

Keep in my mind: This A.P. exam is broken into two parts, but, as I do not have a certified A.P. grader with me, I will only be attempting the first part, which is 80 multiple choice questions with a time limit of 55 minutes. I assume high school students aren’t allowed to listen to music while they take their test, but that simply isn’t happening, as I would like for my sanity to remain intact. In 2013, in order to receive a 5 on this test, you needed to correctly answer 61% of the questions. I will be recording some of my thoughts as I go along.

15 Questions In: A poem! Are you fucking kidding me? This is supposed to be a history test.

22 Questions in: Who in the hell is Ida B. Wells?

Pre Test: I feel pretty good. I got a 5 on this test in high school and now I’m older and wis—well definitely older. Sure, I don’t really feel like I’ve learned much in college, and drinking supposedly kills tons of brain cells, but I can’t be dumber than the kids who lowered the curve to the point that a 61% merits a 5. Kids these days are so dumb. That’s probably why standardized tests keep getting easier every year. I’m a little bit nervous, but that’s normal before you take a test that has absolutely no bearing on your life at all.

5 Questions In: Disregard everything I said before. This is completely unfair. The high school kids who took this test had a whole year of the class to prepare for it and I haven’t taken a single U.S. History class in college. Plus, they have evolution on their side. How am I supposed to compete with these genetically engineered super-beings when I’m just a normal person? That’s like the first scene in Troy where Brad Pitt kills that huge guy, but instead of a huge guy, I’m just some dope.

33 Questions in: I’m close to halfway and I have answered, at most, five questions with confidence. I don’t know what happened. I used to be smart (sort of ). At the time I took this test, I was probably as smart as I’ll ever be. That was the high point of my life; the peak. It’s all downhill from here. Now I know how Alex Moran felt in that one episode of Blue Mountain State. What happened to me? Well, I started drinking much more heavily after high school. That can’t have helped. I guess doing the bare minimum to pass classes in college isn’t making me any smarter. 61% seems like it would be a miracle at this point.

37 Questions in: I quit.

50 Questions In: This is an absolute nightmare. I’m so stupid, it’s pathetic. I’m practically answering at random right now. I need to do a Billy Madison or something. Two weeks in each grade. Easy. He seemed to have a really good time with it. And if I could find a Veronica Vaughn for myself, my life would be perfect.

That movie was awesome. I wonder what actor played the giant penguin. Do you think he mentions that at parties when he meets people and they ask him what he does? I’ll see if IMDb says anything about it.

Shit, I have to get back to the test.

I guess my knowledge of 19th century Supreme Court Cases has proven inadequate.

14 Questions In: This doesn’t even resemble the test I took five years ago. It’s all quotes from old, racist documents and equally racist maps. There hasn’t been any factual information at all yet. And why is there so much about Spanish settlement in Mexico and South America? That’s not even U.S. History! This test is a ruse to make me look dumb, and it’s working. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt any dumber than I do right now.

Well, maybe that time I got caught trying to steal condoms because I was too embarrassed to buy them in high school. It was fine, though, I didn’t need them then, but I think I need one now because this test is buttfucking me.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED 80

52 Questions In: What am I thinking? That could never work. They would never let Billy Madison happen today. A grown man in an elementary school would never be allowed. The movie wouldn’t even work because everyone would assume he was a pedophile and ruin it. Add that to the list of things that pedophiles ruined for all of us, like being able to use the bathroom at an elementary school, or going to your little sister’s soccer game alone, or becoming an ice cream man. Assholes. Why doesn’t the ice cream man do business in college towns? I bet they’d make a killing.

76 Questions In: I can see it. The finish line. It’s waiting there for me…and it’s glorious. Now I know how Harold and Kumar felt when they finally got within four multiple-choice questions of White Castle, but I’m far less high. When I finish this exam, I’m going to call my girlfriend and tell her I love her. Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll tell some random girl I walk by that I love her. People love it when you do that.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED CORRECTLY 42

ACCURANCY % 52

THE RESULTS:

POST-TEST:

I answered 42 of the 80 questions correctly, falling 7 short of my goal of 61%. In a way, I was right; I am embarrassed to tell you my score.

It almost makes up for the fact that I am a moron who peaked at 17. But yeah, the test was really difficult. I feel like I just got taken behind a shed and deloused. I always thought my seventh grade English teacher was wrong when she told me I was lazy and would never amount to anything, but it turns out she was spot on. Maybe I should call her and apologize for egging her house so many times. Maybe with enough therapy I can convince myself that it’s because of what she said that I ended up offering sexual favors in exchange for drugs, because that seems to be where I’m headed. I’m practically sprinting there.

I think I have ADD. Did you see how many times I got sidetracked? Maybe if I show this to a doctor, he’ll prescribe me Adderall. It’s like steroids, but for your brain. I can’t wait to start selling th… I mean taking them, so as to cure my horrible attention deficit disorder. Wow, the American education system has really let me down.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

THE BACK PAGE

do you know these cereal mascots?

Do you know all 8 of these cereal mascots? Oh, really, you're so smart, huh? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

THE BACK PAGE

the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___’s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all!

As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do.

Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all!

Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt!

It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.

CLUE BANK 1) Your college town 2) Type of flower 3) Late-night food 4) Body part 5) 30-something age 6) Type of liquor 7) Body part 8) Strong mixed drink 9) Novelty shot 10) Average beer 11) Latest hashtag trend 12) Random old relative 13) Your homecoming queen 14) Hair color 15) Your major 16) Freshman dorm 17) Campus cafeteria 18) 60s rock band 19) Smoking apparatus 20) Savory food 21) Type of cereal 22) Your university 23) Terrible reality show

IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US

WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE

MISSING OUT.

@BLACKSHEEP_ISU HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:

FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99 15

SIX DEGREES OF SEPERATION JAMES FRANCO

ROBIN WILLIAMS James Franco and Robin Williams (R.I.P.) are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible?

Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Find Great Specials All Week at D’Agostino’s!

AWESOME WEDNESDAY SPECIAL!

1/2 Priced Large Thin Crust One-Topping Pizza, Dine-In Bar and Carry Out Only

2 FOR TUESDAYS AND THURSDAY! Tuesday:

Two FREE Toppings on any Thin Crust Pizza ALL DAY!

Thursday:

Two FREE Toppings on any Pan or Stuffed Crust Pizza.

CALL US TODAY: 309-665-DAGS • WWW.DAGSDELIVERS.COM

FULL MENU AVAILABLE