Vol. 6, Issue 2
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E THE ...LIKE END THE OF T PRE HE C TZEL HEX S AT MIX .
1/30/14 - 2/12/14
DISASTER STRIKES AT SUPER/PUPPY BOWL DUE TO SCHEDULING CONFLICT BY: ISSAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY – In a dramatic turn of events, hundreds of football players and puppies were admitted to St. Ballsack General Hospital today after a fatal scheduling conflict. Due to the deadly snafu, Super Bowl XLVIII and the Puppy Bowl were scheduled not only on the same date and time, but in the very same venue. Sources say that organizers of both the Super Bowl and Puppy Bowl had simply forgotten when and where the other event was, and scheduled them without double-checking. The game started out like any other Super Bowl. Fans rolled in with their faces painted and wearing their favorite team’s jersey. However, they were surprised to be joined in the stands by hundreds of animals. Cats and dogs made their way through the crowd to their reserved seats at MetLife stadium to sit alongside the fans to watch the game. When the players came out, several puppies hurried out of a locker room tunnel on the opposite side of the stadium. Thinking it was a gimmick, players from both the Broncos and Seahawks brushed it off and started the game as normal. However, the puppies remained on the field, and the first snap of the game had horrifying consequences. As soon as the ball was hiked, a golden retriever leapt towards Peyton Manning, biting his arm right off. A yellow flag flew in the air from one of the refs and a miniature poodle caught it in its mouth. “Unnecessary Ruffness,” barked the referee, who was originally hired to work the Puppy Bowl. Intrigued and confused by what was happening, NFL fans and officials on the sidelines didn’t stop the game. The madness of the game was happening too fast, as 1-year-old Australian shepherd named “Biscuit” intercepted the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. An NFL referee ruled the play dead, since Biscuit was not only not human, but also not wearing a designated uniform. However he was quickly overruled by a Puppy Bowl referee, who aptly pointed out that nowhere in the NFL rulebook does it say that a dog can’t play football, logic that also overrules the uniform penalty. This play, along with Peyton Manning’s severed arm, forged a wedge between humans and dogs on the field, and all hell broke loose. One play saw Russell Wilson proceeded to kick every whimpering pug, golden retriever, and sleeping puppy dalmatian out of his way en
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route to the endzone. Another play broke out in violence when a chocolate lab puppy attempted to pounce on the football, but being too small rolled off to the side while the Broncos center Manny Ramirez was trying to hike the ball. Ramirez’s frustration with the playful pups grew to a boiling point, and he decided to “accidentally” hike the puppy to Peyton, who proceeded to chuck the squealing dog 40 yards down the Seahawk’s sideline.
Following the game, spokespeople from the NFL and Animal Planet were very apologetic to football, and puppy football fans alike, claiming that they should have better coordinated their efforts. However, this was the highest rated Super Bowl in American television history, recording over 300 million human viewers and 12 million dogs and cats, despite the bloody desolation of puppy body parts that littered the field after the game.
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POKÉPANIC
BUZZFED NOSTALGIA THREATENS STUDENT’S LIFE
IT’S ABOUT TIME WE GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE “DARK” AND “FAIRY” TYPES.
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ONE SOPHOMORE CAN’T ESCAPE THE GLORY DAYS OF 1997.