The Black Sheep FR
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... at like th th el es ibr ta ar pler y. s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 7 11/8/12 - 11/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
The Great Watterson Flood Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this
“Oh, it was awful. We had no idea what was going on. Suddenly we just heard a gush of water come through the doorway and into our rooms. We could have all died!” Mike Ezymac clutched his iPad Mini to his chest and stood outside the Watterson plaza staring up at the monstrosity of a building. “How could a loving Al Bowman allow this?” “The Great Watterson Flood,” as it’s now being called, is the worst thing that has ever happened to Illinois State’s fine campus, and is even being compared to Superstorm Sandy. Where as New Yorkers left their homes and possessions to the wrath of Sandy, so too did the Watterson victims leave their Top Ramen and shower shoes behind to be washed away in the muck on that awful day. The Black Sheep sent veteran reporter Isaac Dreidelschleitze to interview those who experienced the flood first-hand. “I can’t believe we have a government that will allow this kind of thing to happen. Obama’s economic stimulus can be directly attributed to this. Where’s our hope now? Huh? Where’s the change? My freaking ironic welcome mat from Kohl’s will never be the same!” said a concerned Emily Potpie. Perhaps most frighteningly, many Watterson tenants lost the food and provisions they had stored in their rooms, and were forced to go down the stairs and walk a staggering 5,010cm towards the nearest dining center in a heated facility that none of them were properly dressed for. Several of the women seen entering the dining center were not even wearing yoga pants. In times like this, it’s often not a question of how, but why? “FEMA should be doing all they can to help us, but what are they doing? They’re dicking around in Pennsylvania preparing the state for evacuation because of some heavy wind. What a bunch of shit. We’re the real victims here,” said Joey Wanabagel as he scarfed down yet another grilled chicken sandwich and snorted ostentatiously. An official Watterson representative came to speak with Isaac for a few minutes. “It’s like a nightmare, but I can’t wake up. Replacing all the water-damaged mattresses due to this catastrophe is going to cost us over $1,000.”
who all began nodding in agreement. Isaac began to interject in to some of these conversations he was overhearing. “That may be, but don’t you think this is a relatively minor accident?” “Hell no! Dude, come here. Look at this. Do you know what this is?” An ISU student held a piece of paper up for Isaac to see.
“Each?”
“No, what is it?”
“…No, altogether. Jeez, where do you think you are, U of I?”
“This was the only copy I had of my Fantasy Basketball League draft sheet. How the hell am I supposed to enjoy basketball without this? How am I supposed to enjoy life without this? No amount of money can repair the damage this flood has done to my heart.”
“It’s obvious what this is about, it really is,” said Patricia Slopijoe as she shook her head in disbelief. “President Obama doesn’t care about Bloomington-Normal people.” The words hung in the air for a while over the heads of Patricia’s friends,
Spanksgiving: The Beatin' Off Path
You've got a one-person ticket to pound town and you're getting off at every stop.
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what’s inside
The sun set on another day at Illinois State University as many Watterson tenants re-entered the dorm that had finally dried after an hour of tireless work. Some returned to their rooms while others stood around collecting their thoughts, balling up their letters home to Mom and Dad about how much they love them and how they regret not spending enough time with them. The Watterson Flood was something to learn from, and to the victims of this poor tragedy, The Black Sheep stands behind you and your fight for freedom and justice. God bless you, every one. Except Craig. You’ve had my Halo ODST for like four months, asshole.
Fall Fashions You Haven't Heard Of You'll look so fresh, people are
Avoiding Your Family On Thanksgiving When the going gets tough, you
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page 7
gonna call you Febreeze.
get the hell outta there.