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The Black Sheep

fr ee ... lik e Ol ou 'B rp ro et wn sq y! uir re l,

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college • @blacksheep_isu

Volume 4, Issue 7 4/18/13 - 5/1/13

ISU Privatized! AN INTERVIEW WITH OUR New University President sevin ketze wrote this

Following former president Al Bowman's unexpected ascension to the eleventh plane of Mecha-Nirvana, the ISU administration is handing the presidential reigns to newcomer Lance Steele. Steele, a Harvard Business School applicant and former co-owner of a canine eyeware kiosk, sat down with us to share his ambitious plans to turn the 156 year-old public university into a for-profit institution. The Black Sheep: Lance, thanks for sitting down w— President Steele: Which brings me to phase one of my plan: “Cut the crap!” I don't waste my time on introductions, squirt, I need every second I can get to turn this money-sucking black hole into a money-barfing hole full of money. TBS: I'm not sure if interrupting people really saves you a signif-Steele: I ain’t just talking about talking, kiddo, we're gonna eliminate all the wasteful spending. If it's not bringing in the big bucks, cut it. Paper towels. The ISU police force. Free library pencils. The Robert G. Bone Hand of Friendship gets sold for scrap and becomes the Robert G. Bone Invisible Hand of the Free Market. You get the picture. TBS: The...the ISU police force? Steele: Christ, why does everybody react like that? I'm gonna take you to school here, bucko, you ready? Police in a college town are just there to bust up parties and hand out underage drinking tickets, right? If you can get rid of parties and underage drinking, you can get rid of the cops. TBS: How exactly— Steele: --am I going to do that? See, that right there was a good example of phase nine, “Predict The Future.” Don't make me get ahead of myself, champ. Anyway, poison. TBS: P— Steele: --oision? Boom, two in a row. That's right, chief. I'm gonna inject a whole bunch of antifreeze into random bottles of booze. Nothing kills a party like a dead body. Ha! Kills a party! I'm hot today! As I'm sure you know, antifreeze only kills people under the age of 21. After a few under-agers kick the bucket, the rest will fall in in line.

doubled up on. I'm sure you're familiar with the “Frito-Lay Presents: The State Farm Hall of Sprite Business” building.

TBS: I...don't think that thing about antifreeze is true. Steele: Meh, if we lose a few 21-pluses, I could care less, they're almost done paying tuition anyway. Quit interrupting me, junior. On to phase two: Branding. Any space that isn't already sold is for sale, and most of the space we've already sold could totally get

TBS: I wasn't aware of— Steele: You're really gonna have to be more assertive if you wanna get a word in, son. Phase three: Release the wolves. I'm still working that one out. Phase four: Our new “Pay for A's” program. One of our biggest student complaints is the stress from heavy course

ISU's Squirrely New Problem

what'’s inside

loads. For only $749 per class, you can effortlessly get that semester 4.0 and have more free time than ever to lay out and relax on the Jiffy Lube Presents: The “Got Milk?” Quad. TBS: This all seems really— Steele: --awesome? Tell me something I don't know, cowboy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go round up a few thousand canisters of tear gas for phase five.

Top 10: Spring Cleaning Tips

How To Have A Perfect 420

At least our chubby squirrels finally grew into their baby fat.

Or just burn that mo-fo down and put your renter's insurance to work.

We don't know what weed do if not for this awesome guide.

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Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

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page 5: from the streets what's your biggest fear?

page 6: Brotaliation

This is a call to arms! Which are lookin' a little flabby by the way, breh.

page 10: Bartender of the week

Jack from Drifter's could totally take a wild horse on in a foot race.

Table of

page 11: 420: The Who, What, and How

The where's up to you, and the why...well, that's just a silly question.

page 12: NBA on TNT Blows Up

The announcers yukkin' it up take it too far.

page 13: We Interview: A Colorado Budtender

It turns out you can’t be high all the time to run this business.

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word of the week Kartography:

The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”

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ISU's Squirrely New Problem Scoop Chang wrote this After North Korea’s nuclear attacks against the U.S. a few weeks ago, Normal, Illinois is finally starting to become... normal again. The riots have stopped and all those who survived the attacks are reclaiming their old lives. The biggest change to come from this tragedy? The new species on the block, “Homo-Carolinensis,” or “squirrel-human.” The new lobby for the group claimed the name “Squirrelian” for themselves, calling the term “Squirrel People” to be both derisive and derogatory.


Top 10 spring cleaning tips Ah, spring is finally upon us! The Black Sheep caught one mean case of spring fever, and we think it’s about time we infect all of you, too! Here’s our top 10 spring cleaning tips that, unlike our spring break rashes, keep giving without an intense burning sensation. 10.) Let in some fresh air: It’s been cold outside for an unseasonably long time, but you really need to air out your place now that it’s warm. The smell of old milk and body odor isn’t the aphrodisiac that you think it is, and it’s a miracle your hamsters have lived this long without clean air to breathe. 9.) Clean your windows: Sure, the three inch layer of gunk blocks the sun from cutting into your sleeping-in days (AKA all of the days), but you’re going to need to start tanning. Being deathly pale for your vampire Halloween costume was kind of cool. Now it’s just weird and worrisome. 8.) Flip your couch cushions: Remember that time Dan threw up on your couch? Your houseguests won’t once they're looking at the other side of the cushion! Now they’ll remember that time that he hooked up with that one girl on your couch last year. And why they stopped hanging out with Dan. 7.) Empty out your fridge: Being able to say, “No, those are probably still good,” is long gone. Just because the booze for your white Russians won’t expire doesn’t mean the cream won’t either.

At first it was assumed that these new life forms would be harmful to society. After all, they were the closest thing we saw to a zombie outbreak outside of Florida. But unlike the Floridian zombies currently holed up in old folks homes and the Epcot center, we chose to accept this new species. After an awkward “getting to know you” stage, the Squirrelians have shown an intellect that rivals homo sapiens, and wild social changes have taken the country by storm.

the “People of Squirrelish Descendants Proclamation” granting them the same rights that white males have had since our country’s founding.

Illinois State University, which was once home to the majority of the un-mutated grey squirrels, has been one of the first college campuses to accept the assimilation with open arms. Führer Al Bowman had this to say about the open-minded policy, “I think if people just look deep down and see these beautiful people for what they are, then they’ll come to the same conclusion that I did after a private meeting with some potential students.” Bowman has denied rumors that he meant any of what he said in a sexual context, but it was clear from the way he was looking at select few Squirrelian students that he had gotten it in. Student reactions to the news of their furry new classmates were mixed: “At first I was skeptical, they seemed really dumb and weird in the beginning, you know, when they were still growing. But now that they’re human sized, I think they’re kind of cute!” “Yo man, at first they looked all like mutant, gross-ass squirrels, until they got all hot and shit. Bro, now though, this one chick... dude, she did stuff with her tail that I think used to be illegal until BrObama hooked us up.” After a dip in the school’s enrollment caused by radiation poisoning and dead parents, student numbers are far surpassing what they once were. We’ve all seen the growing number of Squirrelians around town and on reality shows, especially after gaining legal recognition from the government. A mere 48 hours after the first YouTube video of the species was posted online, President Obama signed

We spoke with some of the now-students/ former Squirrelian rights activists about finally being welcomed into the school and the country. “It feels good to finally be accepted by the populous, our species may be new, but our ancestors have been here before any humans. Plus we are just as intelligent and deserved of human rights as homo sapiens,” one noted. Another said, “OMG! I am so excited to go to college! I’ve been to a few frat parties already, and the boys were all over me! I’m gonna party so hard this semester! Go Redbirds!” Still, there are some who deny the benefits of the assimilation of the Squirrelians into normal American culture. We spoke to the head of the Bloomington chapter of “Keep America Human” (formerly “Keep America White”) spokesman Carl Hedgenson. “Those furry folks may pretend that they’re the same as us, but we all know the truth! They’re freaks! Mutated freaks! Those [expletive deleted] nut-lovers should go back in the trees where they done come from!” Though his bigoted words are strong with hillbilly hate, he is one of only a few people known to be anti-Squirrelian. After only a few weeks of their existence on the planet, their positive reception is unprecedented considering the county’s history of prejudice against... everything different. It’s clear we’ve entered into a new world of acceptance, intelligence, and hot squirrel babes. The Black Sheep welcomes these changes, and hopes that the world has been changed for the better.

6.) Empty out all of your expired medicine: It’s just taking up room in your bathroom, so take it to the kitchen and empty it into something. Choose the blender if you want to mix things up, or put it in a pot on the stove to get things cooking. Who knows, you could be the next Name-of-the-guy-who-invented-meth! 5.) Wipe the top of your fan blades: God only knows what’s been breeding up there during the three seasons it’s been since you last cleaned it. Get rid of it before its numbers increase and it threatens to take over the world! 4.) Clean your sheets: When people get pregnancy scares just from sitting on your bed, you can be sure of two things: it’s time to clean your linens and you should really invest in some tissues. 3.) Use flavored vodka to clean your floors: That bottle of Burnett’s Orange has been sitting in your kitchen for four months and it’s never going to reach the kill shelf unless you make a creative use for it. The vodka will eliminate all of the bacteria, while the chalky orange smell will remind people that they should buy name brand cleaner and vodka (not the 2-in-1 kind) next time they’re at the store. 2.) Get a vacuum: You can only push things under the couch with your foot for so long, and after a semester there’s a noticeable tilt to your couch. Much like your relationship with that born-again kid, sucking is definitely the way to go here.

1.) Don’t stick your genitals into the vacuum: People may have told you it feels better than oral sex, but they were lying. It feels much, MUCH better. But still, it’s not worth your roommates and neighbors rushing to find you attached to a cleaning appliance with a bottle of vodka floor cleaner in hand… again.

Mitch Vaginapun wrote this

From the Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?

What's your biggest fear? “Clowns. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to a circus, and a clown killed my dad.” - Mike G., Senior

"Aliens, because if they came down, they’d have way better technology than us and totally kill us. Aliens, man.” - Jordan F., Junior

“I’m absolutely terrified of gingers, because they have no souls!” - Erica W., Freshman

send your party pics to

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Brotaliation Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this

“Dudes, I need to ask you something important, do you have a minute?” A few of the bros stayed behind after the chapter meeting to listen to Jabroni. His shifty eyes were not unlike those of a drunk who had had one too many Jägerbombs. “I’m getting sick and tired of this. The tank tops, the dub step, the slutty girls. I think we need to change our ways.” The bros stared at each other and nodded reluctantly. “I’ve got someone on the inside watching our backs, we’ll meet up with him when we’re done.” They knew what they were getting themselves into. This was a full on brotaliation. Once they started, there was no going back. They were done being bros. They wanted to be normal. This is their story. On the evening of April 13, 2013, the brospirators decided to infiltrate the head bro’s bedroom. This would prove to be a daunting task. It was Thirsty Thursday after all, a sacred holiday when the bros celebrate their bro-ness by whipping their dicks out and comparing size and shape. It was a strange ritual indeed. They approached the house cautiously, peering through one of the windows, using their flat-billed hats to disguise them as mere hat racks. “They’re inside. Careful,” whispered Jabroni as they made their way to the back of the house. A loud noise erupted in back. “Shhhh!” Jabroni peered into the backyard only to see what he had hoped wasn’t there. “We’re fucked. It’s Cherrystock. Bros everywhere. We’ll never make it.” Jabroni sat down, defeated. “Not to worry! I’m a DJ! I just started yesterday, but it’s so damn easy. These bro’s love DJs. Check it.” BroMenn whipped out his MacBook and set it down. “All you bros listen up! This song goes out to every single one of you partying tonight! It’s called ‘Fuckin’ a Bitch’.” He began playing a sweet wub-fest of sounds for the bros. Jabroni and his fellow conspirators all closed their eyes in fear of what might happen next, but to their surprise, there was an eruption of applause as the bros went nuts.

“Quickly! Into the house!” Jabroni led the brospirators up to the room where the head bro slept. Pushing aside the beer cans and posters of Dave Matthews Band, Jabroni found what he was looking for. “This is it guys. We’re gonna take down the bros with this.” Jabroni held up the treasure as Rafiki held up Simba and proclaimed it to be the revolutionizing piece they were missing. Jabroni and his gang made their way downstairs to the party going on in back. BroMenn was still DJing and people were going hard. Swiftly pressing the space bar, Jabroni took the microphone and stood before his brethren. “Ladies and Bros, tonight we stand before you not as bros, but as men. We’re tired of being told what to do by this man!” Jabroni pointed at the head bro. “Are we to listen to this man when he is not a bro at all?” A murmur went through the crowd. “Ladies and Bros, this man is no ordinary bro. He is a brony!” Jabroni pulled out the Blu-Ray collection of My Little Pony and held it up for all to see. The crowd gasped collectively. “Puh, that’s not mine!” screamed the head bro. “Oh no? Then why was it in your room next to your fapkins and shit-in boxers?” “I…I can explain! … FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!” But it was too late. The crowd was not going to listen to him anymore. With that, Jabroni and his comrades left the frat house and made their way back to the UPB office. The UPB president greeted them with glee. “Did you do what I asked you?” the president inquired. “It is done,” exhaled Jabroni. “Maybe now they’ll learn not to fuck with UPB. Reggie Nights for life.” The lights turned off and the shades drew inside the UPB office. Justice was served.

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How to Have a Perfect 4/20 Joseph Carter wrote this For some, 4/20 is just an average day that hopefully includes a generous friend smoking you out, while for others it is a day of near-religious importance. Whether you’re a casual smoker or a hardcore stoner , it’s bound to be fun for the whole family. But if you don't know what you're doing, it can be a confusing and chaotic ordeal. Buying weed can be complicated for the inexperienced, and just smoking pot like any other day can be boring for those who partake in the habit regularly. So here are some general guidelines to follow in order to ensure the most memorable of 4/20s! Buy well in advance: Trying to find marijuana on the biggest weed smoking day of the year can be difficult. Most street dealers will be out of product, since everybody wants in on the fun; or out of commission, because dealers are a part of the “everybody” taking part in the fun. Buy weed at least a few days in advance, and be careful to not smoke it all before the actual day comes. Get the deal: Buy in bulk with a lot of people. If everybody comes together with individual grams, it'll be hard for people to dip into their personal stashes. Get your friends together, find a dealer who sells in bulk (not Sam’s Club, trust us), and rejoice in the money you’ll save. Pooling your money and buying weed to share makes people less stingy and you get to momentarily feel like a drug lord by having a weedball fight. Smoke at both 4/20s: Only amateurs smoke at just 4:20 in the afternoon. If you’re hardcore, you’ll get your ass up (or still be up) and start the day off right with a nice wake and bake at 4:20 in the morning. Then promptly fall back into a weed/McDonald’s breakfast coma for twelve hours. Go off campus: Don’t smoke in your dorms. You may be able to get away with it any other day of the year, but not on 4/20. Everyone else has the same idea, and no matter how many dryer sheets you cram into a toilet paper roll, it still reeks like weed. Not to mention how obviously-high you act while gazing into the vending machine for 20 minutes.

Celebrate Holy Week: Holy Week begins six days before 4/20, meaning it's too late for you this year, but put it on your to-smoke list for next time! Holy Week is a widely celebrated religious festival in honor of the goddess Marijuana. Even if that's just something we made up, it's still an awesome excuse to be blazed all day every day for an entire week. If your professor calls you out for being stoned in class, just tell him or her that it's your Holy Week, and they’ll back down. Nobody's going to want to risk derailing their tenure by messing with your religious beliefs. Buy a new piece: Smoke out of the new piece for the entire day, and then smash it. 4/20 pieces are only to be used once, and cannot be reused on another 4/20. Failure to observe this tradition is a major faux pas. Come on, you didn't know that? Better smash some extra pieces to make up for years past. If an authority figure asks what you’re doing, just say you found these pieces and hate weed and weed-takers so much you wanted to SMASH them up. Smoking weed is fun; you don't need us to tell you that. But 4/20 is not just about the pot smoking; it's about the experience. No other drug has its own holiday, besides the short-lived National PCP Day. Go out into the world, and celebrate love with your brothers and sisters by loading up the morning's first bong.





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SATURDAYS: 4/20: Hairbangers Ball (80's Rock Covers) 4/27: Mike and Joe

tuesday: $2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

$1 Wells and UV Flavors, $1.25 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Red Bull n Vodka

$2 Drinks, Shots and Beers DJ Brainstorm No Cover w/ Student ID!

4/19: Team Bayside High 4/26: Napalm(ISU Alum) $7 32oz Pinnacle flavored vodka mixed drink buckets

SUNDAY - WEDNESDAY $2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

SUNDAY! All $2.75 Daily Specials!

Thursday Tots: 2 Zones & Box o' Tots for $15 (Add $1 for Buffer Tots)

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Spicy Sunday! 2 Zones + Danger Stix for $15

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

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$1.25 Miller Family Bottles $2 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Beams, SoCo & Seagram 7

Check out our website for updated events and specials!

Monday Munchies! 3 Homemade Cookies for $1 with Purchase of ANY 2 Zones

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags Bag Tourney Every Monday

$2.75 Malibu Rum, Captain Morgan Drinks and Import & Microbrew Bottles

$2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

Every Thursday! $2 Drinks, Shots and Beers | DJ Brainstorm

Stix It Tuesday: $1 Cheese Stix w/ Purchase of ANY 2 Zones

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, Free Juke and Bags Kyle Yap and Friends LIVE Acoustic at 10pm

$2.75 All Draught Pints and Jager

5-5-5 Wednesday 3 Zones for $15

Drifter’s Country Night w/ DJ and Karaoke $1 Cans, $2 Tall Doubles and Bombs, $3 Call Its including Top Shelf

$2 Well Drinks $2 Half-Pints on Draught $3 Bombs


$1.50 Coors Light Bottle $2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs


$2.75 Jim Beam Drinks, All Flavored Vodka Drinks, The Fat Jack Cocktail and Heineken Bottles

$1.50 Bud Family Draft $2.50 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Family Pitchers


"Lady's Night" DJ EVA at 10pm, No Cover


$3 Devils Cut mixed drinks/shots $3 2 Gingers mixed drinks/shots

FroYo Friday! 2 Zones & Half-Pint of Chill Out! for $15

$1 Domestic Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

4/20: Hairbangers Ball (80's Rock Covers) 4/27: Mike and Joe

$3 Devils Cut mixed drinks/shots $3 2 Gingers mixed drinks/shots

Live Music Every Friday & Saturday!

FroYo Friday! 2 Zones & Half-Pint of Chill Out! for $15

$3 16oz Double Vodka Energy and All Double Wells, Bombs, Domestic Bottles $4 Jager Shots, Long Islands

Cyber Saturday: Extra 5% OFF at (Enter Coupon Code sat5) Must be logged into dpdough. com account

DJ Vamp and Luke on the Drums - No Cover! $3 16oz Tall Double Wells, Bud Family Bottles, All Bombs $4 Jack Daniels, Long Islands

$2.75 All Bacardi Flavors, The Tsunami Cocktail and Hurricanes, and Bud Select Bottles

Burger Baskets: $3.99 | Soup & Half Sandwich: $6.99 1-Topping Slice + Domestic Draft: $5.00 $4 DOMESTIC PITCHERS AND $3 IMPORT BOTTLES EVERYDAY! Order online at or call 309-808-0738 | Outside seating opening April 5!

138 E. Beaufort St. Suite B,• Normal, IL •


The Bar Grid

Lunker's FRIDAY: $3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

$4 Domestic Pitchers and $3 Import Bottles Everyday!

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)


$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

$10 Domestic Buckets, $4 Domestic Pitchers, $3.50 Captain Drinks, $2.50 "138 Shots" $4 Domestic Pitchers and $3 Import Bottles Everyday!

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$6 32oz Long Islands

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Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)


Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

MONDAY!: $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$3.00 Pitchers of Miller High Life $2.00 Bottles of PBR $2.00 Vodka Well Drinks OPEN MIC NIGHT!

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2.75 20 oz Miller Lite $3 Pints of Leinenkugel

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

SATURDAY: KARAOKE! $3.50 16oz, $4.00 20oz All Import and Craft Beer on Tap!

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka


Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka


$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Bloody Mary's $3 Import Bottles $3 Mimosas $2 Wells

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Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

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$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)


$3.00 Pitchers of Miller High Life

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

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Taco Tuesdays! $2 Coronas, $3 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and $3 Import Bottles Everyday!

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Karaoke Starting at 9pm $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

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$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$2 Well Drinks, Domestic Bottles, Vegas Bombs $2.50 "138 Shots" $4 Car Bombs $4 Domestic Pitchers

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)


$10 Domestic Buckets, $3.50 Calls, $2.50 "138 Shots", $4 Domestic Pitchers

KARAOKE! $3.50 16oz, $4.00 20oz All Import and Craft Beer on Tap!

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$4 Domestic Pitchers and $3 Import Bottles Everyday!

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bartender of the week Jack l. Drifter's Major: Business Administration Status: Taken

What would you do if the world was ending tomorrow: Quit my job, go streaking, and steal a car.

Favorite dinosaur: Velociraptor, because of the movie Step Brothers.

Craziest place you’ve ever hooked up: The end of the bed.

Best pick up line: I usually just say “Hi, I’m from Texas.”

What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on: My aunt set me up with this girl. I’ve been bartending for 9 years and this girl didn’t drink. It took about 15 minutes before I was like, “Yeah… I’m gonna go.”

What would you do if you owned a zoo: I’d make it all gladiator arena-style and make the animals fight each other. What’s the best way to fight: Sucker punch! That way you can run away. Favorite drink: 'Buca.

121 E. Beaufort St.| (309) 888-9663 |

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4/20: The Who, What and How Chong Lighter Meyers wrote this With both medical and recreational marijuana being legalized in multiple states, the date of April 20th is well on its way to becoming a national holiday, and it’s definitely one worth celebrating. But how did St. Cannabis Day get its meaning, and how do ISU students celebrate it? The Black Sheep has the answers! According to Wikipedia, the term “4/20” first appeared on record as the time at which a group of students from San Rafael High School came together to search for a legendary lost marijuana crop rumored to be in the area. This story has been confirmed by many locals, but was really ingrained in stoner culture after Dead Heads from San Rafael brought the term with them to music festivals around the country. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, the story that “4/20” began as a code used by police officers to signal a marijuana bust doesn’t seem to be accurate or supported. The magical and infallible Wikipedia holds no information on that theory, so we sent a reporter to the Normal Police Station to interview officers and ascertain the truth. We haven’t heard from him for about two weeks now, but we’re pretty sure he isn’t being tortured by the Normal Police… like 70-ish percent sure. So we sent another correspondent out into the streets. We asked the good students of ISU how they celebrate 4/20, to get their take on this holiest of stoner holidays. ISU student Tyson “T-bone” Lachman informed us “Sure, I smoke weed every day, but on 4/20, I go crazy. On that day, you gotta smoke tons of dope… like, at least three pounds. If you don’t pass out at least once, you’re doing it wrong.” We asked T-bone to share his sage advice on how other students could have a successful 4/20. We were told, “you need to have plenty of frozen pizzas on hand. If you want to order out, that’s fine too. Just be cautious; 'cuz when you answer the door to get your pizza and all that smoke billows out, the next thing you know, you’re sitting on the couch with the delivery guy going ham dog on that pie.” When asked why he celebrates 4/20, Lachman said “'cuz man, it’s like your right as, like, a free human being. You gotta smoke what was put here for you and me by Jesus or whatever. Like it’s natural so… yeah. What were we talking about?” After many a dank interview, the consensus is (spoiler alert) that ISU students who smoke cannabis do, in fact, smoke weed and eat pizza on 4/20. Contrary to popular belief, stoners do have other interests, but what do they do when they’re not sitting on the couch or going ham dog on some ‘za? One student relayed to us that it’s been her tradition since freshman year to, after the time of 4:20, head out to the Quad and take in the Fell Arboretum’s beauty. After that she tends to find herself

joining in on one of the many hippie drum circles that accumulate over the course of the day. She told us “an excellent 4/20 consists of good snacks, being one with nature, and enjoying the peace of drums being beaten mercilessly until campus security chases you off the quad.” Through our interviews we found that there are classic ISU stoner traditions that every pot smoker finds himself engaging in at one time or another. They include taking a trip to Mother Murphy’s in uptown Normal, visiting DP dough at 2 a.m., and awkwardly staring at the gas station candy aisle choosing a candy bar with as much focus as Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. On behalf of The Black Sheep staff and our missing reporter who surely isn’t being violently interrogated in the Normal Police basement, we wish you a happy and safe 4/20.

Blows up (The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN!

The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese ladyfolk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn

Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.

Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me? Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis!

(A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asian-looking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.) Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL. (Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room) Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES! (Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)

(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair) Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.

we interview: a colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it.  TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government.  TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up?  BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone? BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling.  TBS: Do you get any "employee benefits"?  BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us.  TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of?  BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something?  BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally?  BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool.  TBS: What's the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings?  BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high "routine"?  BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times.  TBS: What's your perfect sandwich?  BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th

The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor's apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can't deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.

Pain & Gain Opening April 19th

A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne "Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?" Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.

Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd

This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single "Entertainment" (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).

page 14

The "how high?" flowchart

the madlib: a frolfing adventure What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared.

“A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off. When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!” “Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer. “We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.

Meet The Staff campus manager Kevin Setze Editorial manager Kevin Setze Advertising Manager Kenneth Porter Writers Mike Atkins, Jeremy Ber Joe Ruskey, Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze, Jeremy Meyers photographer Tim Mackey distribution manager Dan Quintero Social media manager Isabella Yates

pr/Marketing TEAM Nicole Nesbitt, Jessica Findley, Dori Jones, Amanda Steelman, Isabella Yates, Alyssa Janelle, Carl Lee

campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi Founders Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, HeatherJo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? Advertising? Hate Us?

1) Positive Adjective 2) Weekday 3) Music Festival 4) Drug 5) Bright Color 6) Body Part 7) Mammal 8) Shitty Beer 9) Wacky Weed Name 10) Female Pop Star 11) Creepy Animal 12) Fancy Piece of Clothing 13) Fancy Drink

14) Freshman Dorm 15) Type of Herb 16) Jewel 17) Body Part 18) EDM artist 19) Cheap Clothing Store 20) Hot Female Celebrity 21) Sexual Favor 22) Slang for Hippies 23) Party Drug 24) Word from #21 25) Word from #8

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Illinois State - Issue 7 - 4/18/2013  
Illinois State - Issue 7 - 4/18/2013  

Illinois State - Issue 7 - 4/18/2013