The Black Sheep
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Volume 4, Issue 5 3/21/13 - 4/3/13
fool's fest: A Time-Honored Tradition sevin ketze wrote this
“Dierum Multorum Festum de Stulta Adultus-Filios,” translated literally to “The Many Days Festival of Foolish Adult-Children,” is a popular event that happens every year at Illinois State University. It began as a celebration designed to humble the masses, where rich and poor men alike would drink together and celebrate for days in the streets, but students nowadays choose to celebrate in the comfort of their own dorms and apartments, enjoying games like “Everybody shut the fuck up, I think I see cop headlights in the driveway” and “there's only like seven people here so I think I'm just gonna go home and play Halo.” Let's take a look back on the rich history of this wonderful holiday! Fool's Fest, as it's more commonly know, was founded in 1890 by beloved mayor Gerbert T. Herbert. In one of his famous “fireside chats” where he'd sit in his office alone and yell ideas at his fireplace, he said “there should be more holidays to get drunk on, 'cause right now we only have like six of those. Let's put something right after March so I can drink away the pain of wasting another month of my life in this town.” For the first thirty years, only males were allowed to celebrate Fool's Fest. When asked why women were excluded, Mayor Herbert explained “Sometimes you just gotta go clubbing with your boys. We make it illegal for women to come outside, so we can club the ones who do.” In fact, the town ordinance actually required every male over 18 to celebrate, and every boy 15-17 to serve on the “Vomit Brigade.” After thirty years of silently seething, as their gender is known for doing, women took action. Following the passage of the 19th Amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote, the predominantly female population of Normal voted to strike down the holiday, and in retaliation made alcohol illegal. Mayor Herbert responded by issuing an executive order to change the name of Fool's Fest to “Chicks Ruin Everything Day.” From 1920 to 1933, the holiday was celebrated in a drastically different way. 105-year-old Normal resident Ethyl Stone recalls her experience. “The men all spent Chicks Ruin Everything Day giving women the cold shoulder, doing things like saying 'nothing's wrong' whenever we'd ask what was wrong. I mean, CLEARLY something was wrong, but he just wouldn't say anything, and I even made meatloaf and put on a dress that left my neck and wrists bare, but he'd just sit there sulking and staring at the table,
Top 10: Tips for Finishing the Semester Strong This time you're really gonna crack down, get serious, and start....eh, screw it.
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and I would worry and worry and wonder what was wrong that he couldn't tell his wife of 27 years about.” Once enough women were driven to insanity and committed to asylums, men became the majority gender and voted to strike prohibition down. Chicks Ruin Everything Day was moved to February 15th, and women still celebrate it to this day by thinking of something that happened on Valentine's Day, however small, to be mad about. From 1933 onward, Fool's Fest was celebrated in the traditional manner, except now women were permitted to join in the festivities. “This is pretty cool,” wrote opinion columnist Peter Dilbuns. “It's just like old days, but now I can get laid at the end of the night without anybody calling me gay.” But the unbroken streak
what'’s inside
was interrupted in 1980, when the town of Normal got so wrapped up in the “Who Shot J.R.” cliffhanger on Dallas that the entire population completely forgot about Fool's Fest. Celebrations did not resume until 2011, when a group of students tried to revive the holiday. But due to all seven of the ISU PD officers paroling the streets, many students feared going outside, and the revival was judged as a failure. Other than local time-traveler and notorious liar Xylbyzyxx Robochromium, nobody knows what lies in store for the future of Fool's Fest. But don't worry, because children are our future, and parents can make their kids do whatever they want. So swap out Junior's juice box for a jungle juice box, give him a nice non-sexual pat on the butt, and send him out in the world to help bring this party into the 21.2nd century.
The 200th Annual Fool's Fest Parade
Students Unsure if Fool's Fest is a Real Thing
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This is shaping up to be the best $36 million ISU ever spent.
"Something seems a little fishy here," commented Tikky Floogerbuttons.