The Black Sheep FR
EE fr ... Lik at e ru me sh di be oc er re !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 1 8/23/12 - 9/6/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
isu: It's Just Like Kindergarten! Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
Hey there, class of 2016. I know college can be a frightening thing. You’re probably walking into college expecting it to be all titties and booze. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it’s more booze and titties than titties and booze. And like, mostly B-cups and piss-beer. But it’s alright, don’t freak out, I’ve got your back. ISU might seem new and scary, but it’s really just kindergarten all over again. I'm going to break this down nice and easy and explain it to you like you’re five, which is the biggest number you could count to then, and the only number you’ll need to count to for the rest of your life. Don’t believe me? Good. You’ve already remembered your first kindergarten lesson: Don’t listen to strangers: This is the—oh, wait, hang on... “Hi, I’m Mitch, I like animal crackers and I dabble in fisting. It’s nice to meet you.” There, now we’re friends and we can talk! Let's play blocks together while you blindly follow my life advice! Like I said, you need to know the dangers of strangers. People will take advantage of you in college. They’ll trick you out of your apple juice, get you to do chores for free, and sit next to the cute girl with the Pokémon backpack even though you totally called dibs. Don’t let people prey on you. Make lots of friends: Much like the first days of kindergarten, making new best friends is essential to college life. But instead of letting you share blocks, college friends let you share drinks, girls, and whatever the combination of drinks and girls may lead to. I’m such good friends with one guy, he let me pay half of his drinking ticket! What a pal! Another one of my friends even used my girlfriend to show me some awesome make-out techniques! Hot! You'll need friends like that for when your supposed best friend borrows your Super Mario pencil and never gives it back, and you need to get enough people together for a group glare. Otherwise, how will your problems get resolved? Name calling is key: Remember how you used to call people poopheads? Why’d you ever stop doing that? That girl Melissa cried for like 10 minutes, but she never stole an animal cracker from you again! Just like kindergarten, stabbing kids with a pair of scissors is a big nono. In college, however, instead of sitting in the corner,
the straight poop
you get stabbed back in prison. When the going gets tough, the tough call other kids dookiefaces.
you could ever dreamed of is right in front of you, all you have to do is stick your mouth muscle out and taste it.
Lick EVERYTHING: Think about all those tasty spots on the railing, all of those gum flavors under your chair, or all the pee you would have missed out on tasting if you hadn’t licked everything in sight as a kindergartener. Now, think about how many new lickworthy things there are at college. New people, new drinks, new barrels of experimental drugs you find under your roommate’s bed—they’re all at the tip of your tongue. Everything
Once you’ve figured out what was good to lick and what wasn’t, you’re probably going to be pretty sick. That’s where the most important similarity truly comes to light: you can always go crying to your mommy. When the real world gets tough, just flee from it, back into the arms of the person who made you. It was adorable when you were a little kid, and she’ll miss you so much now it’ll be adorable again. And remember to always get money from her. And don’t tell any hot people about it.
what’s inside
dorm room decorating
the ruins of southside
our search to uncover the truth about isu toilet paper.
what all your crap says about you!
and you thought it couldn't get any worse!
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