The Black Sheep
fr yo ee... l u to ike ok th fr e su om p th ply o eu f ni to on ile ba t pa th ro per om
Brought to you by
The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 22, Issue 1 • 1/16/13 - 1/22/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
the Kam’s-pocalypse kitty kat wrote this
Many students return this semester with broken hearts because the local drinking hotspot, Kam’s, is now only opening its doors to patrons twenty one and older. Like all of the other bars on campus, Kam’s used to let in students as young as nineteen years old (sometimes 17-year olds, but they had a parent with them..okay, a pledge parent...), knowing there was absolutely no way those kids would have been able to get their little illegal hands on a drink. But, like the final isotopic meltdown that leads to a nuclear apocalypse, one too many tickets for serving underage customers forced Kam’s to either pay the fine or do the time. So it was decided to enforce the legal age limit for the entire spring semester, which has been described mostly as “Like, totally unfair.” Home of the Drinking Illini, Kam’s has forever been one of the most popular campus bars simply because of its unforgettable “eh”-ness. It’s not the largest bar on campus or even the cleanest, but that’s what makes it so damn great. People keep coming back to Kam’s night after night for a lot of reasons, the main one usually being that they are unable to leave in the first place. The bar’s floor is so absolutely sticky that it’s not uncommon to remain glued to it throughout the entire night. With events like Country Night and classic drinks like Blue Guys, Kam’s is definitely a main topic of discussion throughout campus on a daily basis, and is the talk of the town more than ever since this rule went in to effect. School officials are extremely pleased with Kam’s decision to raise the minimum age to twenty one, saying that they only have positive predictions for the outcome of this change. Integrative biology professor Mark Loren hopes to see higher grades in his classes this year because of it. “With one less bar available to underclassmen, they’ll obviously just give up drinking altogether. It’s not like they’re going to go anywhere else or drink in their apartments. Kam’s is all they have. This semester will be torture for them socially, but academically they will shine.” Loren’s opinions were reflected among other staff members, except for the young, cool TAs on campus. Although there are few of this particular TA breed, there have already been talks about yet another strike to not grade a single paper until all on campus can enjoy Kam’s together once again. Female students living in sorority houses near Kam’s also admit to being slightly relieved with Kam’s new rule. Katrina Boyer explained how convenient it was to go to Kam’s any night she wanted because of the close proximity. “Now with only people over twenty one being allowed in the bar, I have a better chance of not bringing home a freshman again. The sisters
Syllabus Week, A Body Narrative
Pump the brakes, party boy. Your body hates you.
page 6
that saw me sneak a few of those into the house have never let it go. I think the acne and campus maps in their hands gave it away.” As for her social life, Boyer is not all concerned that some of her friends will be counted out from the fun. “First of all, I’m a senior, so a lot of my friends are twenty one too. And all the freshmen we just initiated all look the same, so finding a few fake IDs within our house won’t be a problem at all.” Some Kam’s employees are concerned that their bar will fall in the rankings of Cool Campus Bars. For years Kam’s has reigned as one of the best on campus. We attempted to reach the owner for comments, but he was too busy counting his money and bathing in lavender, to speak to us. However, we
what'’s inside
Enough to Break the Ice
were able to speak with one employee who wished to remain anonymous. He said, “It’s going to be really hard for me to see a lot of our normal customers going to other places on Thursday nights. There were a couple sophomore girls I was getting so close to banging, and now they’re going to find some other bartender at Red Lion or Joe’s. It’s a real shame.” When asked about what new crowd, if any, the age change will draw, the employee’s eyes fell. “I haven’t seen any strange in here at all. This place has turned into a fucking episode of Cheers, and the only people that come here on a regular basis anymore are senior athletes and creepy grad students.” He did, however, offer one sign of optimism for the bar. “On the bright side, hopefully the smell will finally improve.”
continued on page 19
If Syllabus Week icebreakers spoke nothing but the truth.
The Top 10: Things to Look Forward to This Semester
page 7
page 9
Wendy's, hot moms, and a new generation of Poop Girl?!