The Black Sheep
F WIN REE.. DOW . LIK , DR E STA EAM RIN ING G OU T OF DAI THE QUI RIS .
Brought to you by
The Booze News
Vol. 24, Issue 9
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/20/14 - 4/2/14
HOW TO GET OUT OF SPRING BREAK DRIVING DUTIES STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS If there’s anything more ball-crushing than the fear of leaving Panama City Beach or South Padre with one or two more STDs than you had when you came, it’s gotta be the thought of getting stuck with driving duties the whole time. Maybe you’re the most responsible out of your cohort of drug-doers. Maybe your mom won’t allow anyone else to drive the Donaldson family van. Maybe you’re just a geed. For whatever reason, driving duties inevitably end with the driver wading in a sea of swamp ass, quietly whistling along to Sisqó as the rest of the gang sleeps off their alcohol poisoning in the back seat. Luckily for you, we’ve come up with a couple of fail-proof ways to get out of those wretched spring break driving duties. Blast the Heat on High: The second those bastards nominate you as designated driver, plop your ass down in the front seat and crank up the car heater … all the way to five. If you’re on your way down, say your Honda Civic sauna is in preparation for the beach. If you’re headed back home, you can tell them your sweat cleanse is meant to purify your body before your mom has the chance smell that shit on you. Whatever your excuse, your sweaty torture chamber will get you banned from front seat privileges for the rest of the trip, and you’ll be free to eat Pull N' Peel Twizzlers in the back seat in peace. Exclusively Play Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”: No one—not even you, invited-because-your-dad’s-rich Matt from Acacia— can resist belting along to a classic ballad from the reigning Queen of Quebec. In fact, Celine is singlehandedly responsible for the success of Eighth Grade Dance Night at Joe’s, and our love for her is universal. But if you find yourself stuck frantically searching for the right exit ramp while the rest of your friends play the Harry Potter edition of “Kill, Marry, Fuck,” put on some Celine. Turn up the volume. Blow your speakers. Rinse and repeat. If you’re musically inclined, throw in some harmony. Either way, by the end of the second or third round, someone will step up and take over for you, leaving you to vehemently argue why your choice is fuck Hermione, Luna and Mrs. Weasley all at once. Poop: This one’s easy, kids. All you gotta do is warn your friends that driving makes you really, super-duper nervous. Like, loss-of-control-over-bodilyfunctions nervous. If you’ve got considerate (or just really fucking gullible) friends, this might be all you need to say. If your friends are assholes, and you find yourself stuck driving through Alabama or Indiana, or some other shitty state because it’s “your turn ... Lauren, quit being a little bitch,” well, it’s not like you didn’t warn them. To get out of driving duty, simply poop
in the car. Your friends will probably make you clean it up, and you’re likely to shit stain your favorite pair of pajama pants. On the bright side, though, your friends will banish you to the trunk for the rest of the trip, but that’s the perfect spot to catch up on House of Cards. Besides, it’s not actually spring break until someone shits their pants. Run Over the Drive-Thru Sign on Your Way Out of Champaign: This one’s a little riskier, but it’s probably the surest overall way to avoid driving duties. Before you leave, brag about how good of a driver you are and how much you like road trips. Throw in some fluffy bullshit about how “relaxing and refreshing” you think long drives can be. Your friends, if they’re normal people,
will gladly let you take the reins. Then, at your very first chance, back into a dumpster or blow out a tire, or take out the side-view mirror on a mailbox or run over an infant—you know, something that will inflict minimal damage to the car but will still make you look like a careless driver. You’ll be banned from driving for the rest of the trip, and if you play your cards right, you won’t even be off campus yet. Bonus points if it’s not your car. See? It’s not that difficult. It just involves torture tactics and soiling yourself, but it will all be worth it in the end. If all else fails, take out a loan and buy yourself some roundtrip airfare. Let’s see if they can put you behind the wheel when you’re flying at 36,000 feet!
PAGE 7 GABRIELLA AND HER SWIMSUIT: HITTING ROCK (BIKINI) BOTTOM
PAGE 10 STUDENT GIVES UP JESUS FOR LENT, GOING "PRETTY OKAY"
PAGE 18 PARENTS GO ON SPRING BREAK BECAUSE THEIR SON WON'T
GIRL HAS HEARTFELT TALK WITH OLD FRIEND.
DEVOUT CATHOLIC FEELS MORE FREE WITHOUT THE MAN HOLDING HER DOWN.
DON'T WANT TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND WITH THEIR LAMEASS KID.
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