Brought to you by
The Booze News
Volume 25
The Black Sheep
Fre e! L ide ike or as f igi rom nal Buz costu zFe me ed.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 9
STUDENT BEGINS ILLICIT LOVE AFFAIR WITH UNIVERSITY DIETITIAN VIA “ASK THE NUTRITION” TEXTS The Gonz wrote this University Dining Services started a new program called “Ask the Nutrition Expert” where students are able to send texts and emails to the resident dietitian for advice on healthy eating. The questions and answers are posted on the TVs in all of the dining halls. Once students realized virtually all the questions are published, the jokes started rolling in. “I’m not sure anyone screens what goes up there,” said freshman Eric Gregory. “I saw someone ask a riddle and the dietitian actually answered it… and still incorporated health facts.” The program is under-supervised, most likely, because the only people who go to the dining halls are freshmen. No one expects unfunny freshmen to make dick jokes; however, the questions were increasingly becoming complaints about dining hall food. Students stopped paying attention after the hundredth “the fries are always cold” post answered with, “Sorry, I’ll be sure to tell the people whose job that is” from the dietitian. After weeks of neglect, the “Ask the Nutrition Expert” gained some recognition when one student noticed a string of questions and answers bizarre enough to create a scandal. “My phone died from too
much Yik Yak and the TV was the next best thing,” said freshman Carl Hershel. The texts on the TV that day were a collection of sexts between an anonymous student and the female university dietitian. A look into the history of the dining hall texts shows the affair had been going on for months before someone finally noticed. The investigation into the identity of the student was rather quick, because he used his personal cell phone to send the texts – like a freshman would. University officials were set on expelling the student, who still remains anonymous, until his lawyers countered that he did absolutely nothing wrong. “My client has no control over what’s broadcasted publicly in regards to these texts,” said attorney Liza Hayward. “The university was responsible for screening the texts before they were put on the dining hall TVs.” A shocking turn of events was brought to light when the university revealed the identity of the resident dietitian. Thought to be a professional health advisor, a university spokesperson announced that the dietitian “is just some random teenage girl who’s in health class at Uni High.” Apparently, the University Dining Services never expected to be questioned about
the legitimacy of the dietitian and hired someone off Craigslist at minimum wage. “When a question comes through, I look up the answer in my health textbook and send that back,” said the high school student.
“My teacher is giving me extra credit for helping with the program, plus I earn $1 per answer.” The university has yet to decide what action to take because the scandal of hiring
a teenager to pretend to be a registered dietitian has now overshadowed the original scandal. As pointed out by the anonymous student’s lawyer, “The texts were pretty innocent anyway. They mostly involve vegetables and exercising.”
PAGE 5
PAGE 9
PAGES 20-21
STUDENT FINALLY GETS POINTS TAKEN OFF EXAM FOR SNEEZING
TOP 10: CAMPUS JOBS THAT SHOULD ACTUALLY EXIST
WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?
SERVES HIM RIGHT!
WE HAVE 10 SUGGESTIONS TO BRING UP WITH THE LABOR DEPARTMENT.
FOLLOW OUR FLOWCHART TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC OCTOBER 15th, 2014 - OCTOBER 22nd 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM