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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
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Issue 7
Espresso Royale Unveils Squash Spice Latte Banana Boy wrote this When every fall comes and goes, Pumpkin Spice Lattes do as well. For the average person, this means absolutely nothing. But to a basic white girl, it’s everything. For Starbucks, this pumpkin addiction is extremely profitable, and for companies like Espresso Royale, this time of the year can be a nightmare. In order to counteract against the Starbucks PSL fever, Espresso Royale has unveiled their newest drink, the Squash Spice Latte. “The Squash Spice Latte is our answer to the fall-flavored drink phenomena that has taken the nation by storm,” explained manager Brian Jones. “However, instead of focusing on just the pumpkin, we were inclusive and added acorn squash, butternut squash, and the one that looks like a goose.” Espresso Royale contends that their inclusiveness is what sets them apart from major companies such as Starbucks. “Look, I don’t like to talk trash, I really don’t. But Starbucks is the drink of the 1% and we’re for the 99%,” Jones said. “We like to include every squash there is. We’re a small company with a personalized view on this campus. The Starbucks fat cats can shove their drinks made by Chinese labor workers down the public’s throat all they want, but here at Espresso Royale we see through the charade.” Mallory Stevens, a women’s studies major
and activist for pretty much everything, loves the Squash Spice Latte. “Finally somebody is standing up and saying there’s something wrong with the geography of squash distribution in today’s coffee products,” Stevens said as she choked down the drink with a grimace. “It has been going on far too long that people have been able to say ‘No butternuts allowed,’ the discrimination is truly horrifying.” When asked what she thought of the new latte, Stevens commented, “It’s very thick because there’s so much squash stuffed in it, but I can actually taste the acceptance. Wait, never mind that was a seed.” However, not all the Espresso Royale customers are on the same page. “Honestly I thought that this was going to be a James Bond-themed coffee shop before I walked in,” said confused Jimmy Anderson. While the Casino Royale relation does make sense, Anderson asking for a black coffee – “shaken not stirred” – does not matter in this situation. We asked Anderson if he’d be interested in trying a Squash Spice Latte, and he responded, “I just came here because I heard girls like coffee.” Unfortunately, even coffee lovers haven’t been won over by the new latte. Rachel Wells, a self-proclaimed basic bitch, was disgusted by the new drink. “It literally
looks like throw up,” Wells said disgustedly. “Like, PSLs are super cute and have orange on them, but these are the grossest things that I have ever seen. I even heard that a girl choked on a stalk earlier.” Espresso Royale contends that the thickness and not using artificial flavors is
to show campus that they mean business. “Here at Espresso Royale, everything is real and we’re not gonna try and pull the wool over people’s eyes with fake flavored drinks like somebody else does,” Jones said as he not-so-deceptively nodded at the Starbucks down the street with a line out the door.
While Espresso Royale has made admirable efforts to try and break the stranglehold that Starbucks has on the Pumpkin Spice Latte market, it’s a hard market to break into. Although they may gain customers operating on principle alone, time will tell if people will stand for what the shop believes in.
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PAGES 20-21
POLICE BODY CAMERAS ACCIDENTALLY FILM PORNO
LOCAL BUSINESSES STOCK UP ON FALL ESSENTIALS
NEWS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD TODAY, PROBABLY
THEY BASICALLY FILMED A SUPER BAD VERSION OF SUPERBAD.
FOR ALL THE BASIC BITCHES, NOT THAT WE’RE JUDGING.
MONEY, LAWS, GUNS, SPORTS, IPHONES… IT ALL HAS TO BE HAPPENING, RIGHT?
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC OCTOBER 8th, 2014 - OCTOBER 15th 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM